Saturday Superlatives: Thanksgiving Edition

For my outside-the-US friends, is your country’s celebration as food-focused as US Thanksgiving seems to be? I feel like it seems lower-key in Canada, and much more relaxing. Then again, maybe I’m one of the few who find Thanksgiving stressful. (I seem to find a way to make everything stressful.) 

If you celebrated this week, how was your Thanksgiving? Are you sick of leftovers yet? While I could happily eat a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast until Christmas, I avoid all other Thanksgiving foods until next Thanksgiving. Turkey is something I eat one day a year. My husband is a big fan of leftovers though. This year he has even vowed to make the infamous turkey tetrazzini that people swear by for transforming leftover turkey into something new and fabulous. 

This was a week of highs and lows, emotionally. But it was also overall a nice, low-key week. As the Holiday Table staffer at Whole Foods said when I told her we were down to three from seven people, “Nice! No stress!” And then quickly and ruefully added, “Well, there are pros and cons to all things.” 

Here are some of the superlative moments from this Thanksgiving week.

Worst Moment: When we had to tell Carla that her beloved cousin was no longer coming for Thanksgiving. She sobbed and sobbed. Hopefully we will find another time to get the families together. 

Sweetest Moment: Carla and I sat on the couch one day and watched movies together. Then after dinner we watched Jeopardy! together and she held my hand the whole time. All the heart eyes. 

Most Uncomfortable Moment: I think I mentioned previously that our real estate agent gave us a free apple pie as a thank-you for using them when we bought (and sold) our house. Carla and I were doing Thanksgiving prep work at the house when my husband texted me to remember the pie. So we dashed out to pick it up from the realtor’s office. I was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt under my winter coat (outdoor leggings, of course; not my bedtime leggings) and Carla was wearing a flannel shirt and shorts. Why yes it was only 40 degrees outside but PYB, people, PYB. It was pouring rain and we wore masks even though we’d both tested negative, just in case. I expected to run in, grab the pie, and run out, but no. There was a PARTY being held at the office. People in dressy casual clothing, milling about with drinks. A long table set with drinks and pastries. A special room set aside for children. A fire in the fireplace. My realtor was wearing slacks and a nice sweater. I was in leggings and a mask, dripping wet, my hair plastered to my makeup free face. Once again, Carla was wearing shorts. All I wanted was to get my pie and escape. But my sweet realtor wanted to chat about the house and our Thanksgiving plans. OMG. It was so horrifically awkward. Nearly as bad as those dreams where you go to school naked or you show up for your wedding without your dress. Also… I feel like this is probably rude of me to even ask, but do my realtor’s clients… enjoy parties like this??? Our orthodontist throws a party every year, too, and… it’s nice to do something festive for your clients, but… I don’t know any other orthodontia clients? And it’s not like a bunch of my friends and I all bought houses together. Are people who buy homes in the same year expected to form a club together? Maybe we’re supposed to be schmoozing about lawncare companies and the best place to buy lamps… but I just can’t imagine doing that on purpose. Is this what it’s like to be an extrovert? You just… go to parties purely to socialize with strangers? 

Most You-Win-Some,-You-Lose-Some Moment: The kind people at Whole Foods were so understanding about our change in holiday plans. They refunded me the cost of the green beans and asparagus. While I was standing in line at the Holiday Table waiting to “check in,” with shoppers pushing past us on both sides, and Carla asking if she could please buy a watermelon and what about the chocolate Advent calendar or maybe could she go look for some hot dogs? and what about buns, she really wants to try buns with her hot dog this time, I noticed a display of Ramona Ruby Grapefruit Wine Spritz. I glanced at the label which I thought said $8.99, which seems like a reasonable enough price for four bottles. (My husband and I had Ramona this summer and loved it, and I haven’t seen it anywhere before.) We checked out and it turns out that each four pack is $18.49. OMG. I mean, yes, you could buy a bottle of wine for $18.49 and probably wouldn’t bat an eye (although I am more of a $10-a-bottle kind of gal), but. OMG. Good thing we saved all that money on green beans and asparagus so I could turn around and spend it on booze. (It really is delicious. But still.)

Most You-Really-Should-Be-A-More-Careful-Reader,-Suzanne Moment: Turns out that every single box of Covid tests in our house was expired. And, while several of them had expiration dates that had been extended to nowish, I thought it would be prudent to get some new unexpired-in-any-way ones. I looked up my options at the local Target. The top results cost $35! That seemed like a lot, when I was used to getting them free (I just ordered the latest batch of free ones). I scrolled down a bit in the results and spotted a pack of four tests for $12.99. Much better. Carla and I put on masks and drove to Target for their drive-up service. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized I’d purchased drug testing kits. SIGH. 

Funnest and Funniest Moment: This year, Carla helped me with a ton of the Thanksgiving food preparation. She made the cranberry sauce pretty much independently, cut all the cornbread and French bread for the dressing, and helped chop mire poix for the various things that required mire poix. Most helpful was when she helped me deal with the turkey. I am very squeamish about touching raw meat and have used a variety of kitchen tools in past years to prevent me from touching the turkey. This year, I just powered through and touched it with my bare hands. *Shudder.* But one thing I will not do is touch any part of the turkey’s innards, and that’s where Carla came in. Like a champ, she removed the neck and giblets from the turkey cavities with kitchen tongs, while we both squealed in disgust. It was the most fun I’ve ever had dealing with raw meat. (Less fun for her, because I made her wash her hands about 80 times and then gave her a mini lecture about salmonella as I sprayed down the counter with antibacterial spray.)

Favorite Blog Comments: While I adore every comment you leave, sometimes they feel like they’re just for me, you know? Which is fabulous. Other times, they are full of GOLD that I want everyone to read. It was an utter delight to read everyone’s take on pets and pet names. But I think the GOLD this week is in the comments of this post. If you haven’t added your own thoughts, I would love it if you took the time to add your own thoughts about blogs and blogging. And if you haven’t scrolled through to find new bloggers to follow, please check it out. 

That’s it from me, Internet. Now I need to go scour my house clean after having my (ravenous and less-than-tidy) child home with me for eight days straight and prepare (again) for my delayed houseguests. 

Any stand-out moments for you this week?

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join the fun, check out San’s blog here. 

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Things I Wish I Loved (or at Least Liked)

I am shamelessly borrowing this post idea from Elisabeth. 

Tomatoes. Tomatoes are everywhere, in everything. Life would be so much easier if I liked them.

Speaking out loud in groups of more than two people. Most people seem capable of speaking up in groups – whether out at coffee with a few friends or in a meeting or standing in an elevator. NOT ME. My heart pounds and my head swims just at the thought that I might open my mouth. And if I do manage to say something, my words come out all wrong and sometimes I stutter and my face gets all red and I rush through whatever it was I was trying to say, eliminating key context that would help make my point. Oh how I wish I could have even just a LITTLE CHILL when speaking to more than two people!

Dogs. *HEAR ME OUT* I hope you know that I love YOUR dog. I do. I want to see all the photos of your dog, and hear all the anecdotes, and if I visited you I would pet and snuggle your dog. I show my daughter pictures of your dog so often she can now differentiate them: “Is that Rex?” “Oh, is that Hannah?” “Charlie is so cute!” I have a soft spot in my heart for all animals, cockroaches excluded. And maybe snakes. But I don’t love dogs. I can appreciate them, I can admire them, I can enjoy them through their owners’ eyes or the eyes of my dog-crazy child. But I don’t love them. I don’t like licking. I don’t like wet noses. I don’t like drooling. I don’t like the idea of an outside creature bringing the outdoors into my home. I don’t like the idea of picking up poop. I think when you love dogs, these things become part of the package. And I just don’t love them. But oh, how I wish I did. If I loved dogs, we could own a dog and I would be happy about it. 

Pedicures. I think pedicures are such a fun, luxurious indulgence. But I find them so uncomfortable! My feet are very sensitive, and pretty much everything except the warm water soak and the warm towel wrap are verging on painful for me. Plus, I find myself worrying all the time about dangerous bacteria and whether I’m going to develop gangrene or pick up a flesh eating bacterium or something equally horrific from inadequately cleansed tools. 

Group events. Most people I know love parties and gatherings. But I find even smallish groups to be thoroughly exhausting. I overanalyze everything about them from what I will wear to who I can talk to, to where to park and whether there will be food. And then I spend the whole time feeling like I’m on the fringe of conversation, that no one wants to talk to me, that I have nothing interesting to say, that I look weird and stand awkwardly and can’t move my arms in a human manner. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed and have no idea how to keep up with the pace of conversation. It is awful. And then afterward I feel drained and reeling and want to crawl into a cave for days until everything feels calm and safe again. 

Letting other people cook in my kitchen. I am a control enthusiast in the extreme and prefer that things in my kitchen happen MY way. I am insufferable, I know. My kind and generous mother-in-law, for whom “making food” is a love language, will be eternally baffled by this facet of my personality. “Just let her make you dinner!” you may be thinking. But the very thought of it fills me with anxiety.  

Sharing food. JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD and neither do I. And people who do share food find this personally offensive. It would just be easier if I didn’t care. 

The beach. Sand adheres to me like a persistent infection. Everything is hot. The sand and ocean stink. Too many people. Things lurking unseen in the watery depths. NO THANK YOU times a million. But the beach is such a quintessential summer experience, and it would be nice if I didn’t feel angry and grumbly every time it’s broached.

Bridgerton, Yellowstone, and West Wing. Since this list is rapidly devolving into a catalog of my anxieties, I will switch to TV. These shows are universally beloved, and I just cannot get into any of them. I have total pop culture FOMO, and would love to love these shows.

Do you and I share any wish-I-liked items? What’s one thing that would make your life easier if you liked it?

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join the fun, check out San’s blog here. 

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Five for Friday

It’s Friday! We are chugging right along through November. Here are five things I’m thinking about today. 

1. Falling Back: Changing the clocks has messed me up. I hate it so much. I mean, I guess I don’t mind driving to school in the daylight again. But give it a few weeks and we’ll be back to driving in the darkness. In the meantime, I am going to bed at a NEW normal time and waking up at the OLD normal time, which means I am getting less sleep than I was before. Plus I am still waking up each morning at three or four, full of existential dread. GOOD TIMES. My poor kid is so far on the exact same page. Why could she not have inherited her father’s ability to sleep anytime, anywhere? We are both wandering around, exhausted and cranky. She keeps draping herself over furniture and moaning about how tiiiiiiirrrrred she is. I cannot stop yawning. People keep talking about how maybe this will be the last year of Daylight Savings Time! And I keep thinking, yeah, sure, whatever. But I also think it’s kind of amazing that we all collectively (except Arizona and Hawaii, I think?) agreed to just move everything back or forth an hour twice a year. That’s BONKERS. I feel like there’s no agreement on ANYTHING AT ALL, and yet we all do this???? No thank you. I would like to abstain. 
2. Flu Shot: I finally got my flu shot. I was at the pharmacy and thought to ask if they administer flu shots; this is a newish-to-me pharmacy, and I’d always gotten my flu shot at Walgreens. We no longer live within walking distance of a Walgreens, so I’ve been putting off the flu shot until I had a reason to be near one. Anyway, I realize this is a very long and circuitous way to the point that yes, the current pharmacy DOES offer flu shots. The pharmacist came around the counter which was the first difference between it and Walgreens; there, you wait until the pharmacist calls you back, and you go into a little room with a door. This pharmacist was a cheery woman who seemed impossibly young. She was much friendlier than the old pharmacist, whose entire body seemed weighted down with regret and drudgery. And then she gave me the shot right there in the middle of the pharmacy! There was another client, sitting behind me, while I stood at the checkout counter. It was a tiny bit alarming. She was very sweet, but then asked me what I did for work. I told her I work from home and she gasped and said, “Well why are you even getting a flu shot?!” That threw me, I’ll admit. My answer in the moment was that I have a young child, but also… shouldn’t everyone get a flu shot? You can get the flu at the grocery store. She then chatted with me for a few minutes about having kids (she has a baby). It was a very pleasant interaction but also kind of weird. 
3. Flannel Time: We have reached the flannel sheets portion of the year. I don’t normally love flannel sheets, because I sleep hot. But our regular sheets are feeling a little chilly lately. I’m a little apprehensive though because our house heats very unevenly. The house will get colder and colder until you’re shivering even under the covers – I have been wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt to bed, when I much prefer a T-shirt – and then the furnace will decide it’s time to take action and it will WHOOSH to life and churn out an intense fog of heat so that you’re kicking off the covers and stripping off layers – and then it will turn off, exhausted by its efforts, and the cycle begins again. Will flannel sheets be pleasant or unbearable? Time will tell.
4. Forwarding: We continue to receive mail for the previous owners. It’s not quite at the level it was – at first, we got boxes and season tickets to sports games and multiple cases of wine in addition to catalogs and letters and paychecks and things. But we still get some mail. We have been here since September 1. Is it time to start writing “return to sender” on the mail we receive? Obviously the nice thing to do is to keep holding the mail for the previous owners, and texting them occasionally, and asking them what they’d like us to do with it. (They always come to pick it up, and have ignored my suggestion that we could drop it at their new house.) I keep thinking about how mortified I was to learn, from the people who bought our old house, that they’d been receiving mail for us. My husband had been so diligent about setting up mail forwarding and systematically going through all of our bills and regular mailings to make sure our address was changed. And yet some things slipped past the gate. I also keep thinking about how, at our old house, we continued to get mail for the previous owners even though we’d lived there for twelve years. Not a lot of mail, but one or two pieces a year even at the end. Is mail forwarding really that tough? Are we all really that unclear about ALL the places that have our address?
5. Fear of Friendliness: I saw one of our new neighbors outside and said hello and asked if she worked from home. When she said she was home most days, I said I was too and would she want to get a coffee sometime? She said sure. But now that I’ve made the overture, I don’t know what to do! Do I… have her over for coffee? I don’t actually know how to make coffee (although my husband could probably teach me). And if she comes for coffee, do I need to offer food as well? What do people eat? Do I live on this planet because I don’t feel like it. Do I suggest going for a walk? What if we have nothing to talk about? What’s a normal thing for people to do when they are trying to get to know other people? While I really, truly would love to get to know my new neighbors, I am kind of berating myself for suggesting anything. I know it wasn’t, like, set in stone or anything, and we could probably just never follow up. But… I want to follow up. Even if I also vehemently do NOT want to follow up. 

That’s it for today, Internet. What are you thinking about on this fall Friday?

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join the fun, check out San’s blog here. 

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Saturday Superlatives

Did you do that thing at your high school where seniors were awarded superlatives at the end of the year? We did – things like Nicest Smile or Coolest Car or Most Likely to Attend an Ivy League School or Cutest Couple. Then you got your picture above your title in the yearbook. I was never awarded a superlative; were you?

In the vein of Elisabeth’s Happy Things Friday, but also totally in a different vein because I am nowhere near as lovely and optimistic as Elisabeth is, I am going to award some superlatives today. These apply only to this week and I may never do this again. 

Biggest Accomplishment: I attended FOUR SOCIAL EVENTS this week. Four. That is too many, by the way, but I went and I endured and I didn’t die. In addition, I managed to achieve the goal I discussed with my therapist, which was to “talk to three new people.” I am going to go ahead and count “hi, I’m Suzanne, what’s your name?” as “talking” to someone new. I did try to strike up a conversation with a couple people, with limited success, so that feels like a good step. I am also exhausted. After the fourth event, I retreated to my house and had a glass of wine in the quiet dark by myself. I still have not recovered.

Most Freeing Moment: Now that there are no painters in the house, and an interval during which I have no one at all in my house during the day except me, myself, and I, I feel so much freer. But the most freeing moment was definitely when I forgot that my towel was in the dryer, after I had already disrobed, and walked across the house au naturel without a care in the world.  

Best Baking Project: This is a little bit of a stretch, because the actual baking happened more than a week ago. But I am including it here anyway: I made both pumpkin bread and pumpkin cheesecake bread, and they were both delicious. The cheesecake bread was (Mary Berry voice) a little stodgy but once I refrigerated it, I liked it more. It was not particularly breadlike… it was denser, like a brownie that hasn’t quite been cooked through and has gone all fudgy in the middle. But it was easy and tasty, if not ideal in the texture realm. What I REALLY loved was the pumpkin bread, though. The texture was perfection, with a nice tender crumb (I realize I sound ridiculous right now, but the crumb! the crumb!), and the flavor was warm and rich and autumnal. (I was really concerned about the enormous amount of cloves the recipe called for, but it did not taste overly-cloved!) I don’t really enjoy pumpkin anything, and I really liked this bread. I would definitely make it again. If you like pumpkin things, I would HIGHLY recommend it. 

This is the only photo I took of the pumpkin breads, probably because I was too busy eating to be bothered with photography.

Most Frustrating Interaction(s) of the Week: Someone from the title company let us know that they hadn’t received our final water and sewer bill from our previous house, which meant they couldn’t release the funds we’d held in escrow to pay for it. My husband dug up our last bill, I scanned it and emailed it over. We got an email from the title company saying, thanks but no thanks; this doesn’t say “final bill.” So I heaved a great sigh and called the water/sewer company. I hate calling the water/sewer company because a) the wait times are always laughably long and b) everyone who works there hates their jobs, their lives, and me. But there was no other way, so I dialed the number. My call was important to them, the water/sewer company automation assured me, after I picked from an alarming number of options offered via a very lengthy set of menus. However, there were a few callers before me, and the wait time was 137 minutes. One hundred and thirty seven minutes. However! There was an option for the company to call me back once I reached the end of the queue! So I gratefully chose that option and went about my business. The water/sewer company called me back after the time had passed. An automated voice asked me to press 1 if I was available to take the call at that moment, and then said, “We are experiencing higher than usual call volume and cannot take your call. Goodbye.” AND HUNG UP ON ME.  

Highest Volume of Phone Calls: On Monday, I made eight separate phone calls. EIGHT. I did not want to call any of these people and several of them required multiple phone calls and one will require me to do it all over again (cough cough water/sewer company), and I only managed to schedule ONE THING. This is why I hate phone calls. They are awful and they don’t seem to accomplish anything. 

Most Charming Moment: This honor goes to the adorable checker at Trader Joe’s, who, when I handed her my reusable shopping bag, exclaimed, “Oh and it’s cats! How wonderful!” She then told me that she is a “bonafide cat lady.” I said, “I love cats too. Do you have a cat?” And she said, “YES. Would you like to see pictures?” Here is where I tell you that I always want to see pictures of a cat. Or any pet. Or a baby or child of really any age. Or your granny. Or your parents doing something cute or weird or just sitting in a chair. Basically, if you thought it was worth photographing, I would like to see it. Consider this an open invitation to email me all the pictures. (Disclaimer: Aforementioned invitation does not apply to genitalia.) Then she showed me her cat, and her sister’s cat, and told me their names, and it was wonderful. Can’t do THAT at a self-checkout! 

Any superlatives jump out at you from this past week? 

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join, check out San’s blog here.

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Five for Friday

It’s not only Friday, it’s the first Friday in November. I am not ready for the pell-mell can’t-catch-my-breath of the last two months of the year (and I don’t even want to THINK about the holidays; I am pretending they don’t exist), but ready or not, they’re here. 

• We had our first snowfall of the season! I love snow and it was such a pure delight to see big flakes falling from the night sky, and then to wake up to a good two inches of snow on all the exterior surfaces. Especially because the roads were blissfully bare and dry. I did realize that a) I’d purged Carla’s snow clothing prior to the move, because she’d been wearing them for two years straight and they were sprouting holes and showed an inch or two of ankle and b) I’d never replaced them. Fortunately, Lands End is having a sale so I was able to order her new things. And new snow boots. 

• Speaking of Carla, and snow, and clothing: she has extremely specific fashion tastes these days. And those fashion tastes are not always compatible with the weather. But she’s TEN, and I’ve grown weary of negotiating with her about whether shorts over tights counts as appropriate winter wear. Also, at what age does a child realize that it might be wise to put on a sweatshirt if you are cold rather than complaining plaintively about it to your mother? It’s not age ten, that’s for sure.

• Halloween was fine. There was a neighborhood gathering, at which I felt completely overwhelmed. People were nice but not friendly, and there were so very many of them. I brought the wrong thing and used the wrong container (this group seems to lean quite Fancy), but at least I know better for next time. On the good side, Carla seemed to have a BLAST. There were tons of kids. Twenty? Fifty? I couldn’t keep track of them because they didn’t stay still, and sometimes they had masks on, and sometimes they didn’t. But Carla got to run from house to house in a pack of children and that made me feel very happy and relieved. We bought WAY too much candy and now have an entire grocery bag full of leftovers (on top of Carla’s haul), which I am itching to donate as soon as Carla’s school accepts donations. I wasn’t missing candy – so why am I unable to ignore the siren song of a fun size Snickers? None of my favorites showed up this year, either in the candy we bought or the candy Carla brought home; I’m partial to Milky Way Midnights and Sour Patch Kids. But I’m making up for it with the aforementioned Snickerses and a fairly obscene number of Reese’s peanut butter cups. 

• Do you put outgoing mail in your mailbox, or do you take it to the post office? I am having a bit of a disagreement with someone about the appropriate course of action. Some context: One of us grew up in a country area that wasn’t served by the postal service; mail was delivered to a post office box in town. One of us grew up in the suburbs of a large city and had access to a mailbox at the end of the driveway. One of us believes that you put outgoing mail in the mailbox, and, in fact, this is part of the purpose of a mailbox; why else would there be a little red flag on the side of the mailbox meant to alert the postal worker to the presence of outgoing mail? One of us thinks that outgoing mail should be handled at the post office only, or perhaps at one of those once-ubiquitous blue mailboxes that used to be on every street corner but have all but disappeared in the wake of 9/11. Who is right? Where does outgoing mail go? If a person wants to utilize the home mailbox, do they have to call the post office to make sure it’s okay, or is lifting the little red flag alert enough?

• I recently read the newest Robert Galbraith book, The Running Grave. It was truly gripping, despite the fact that it seemed like no one had really edited the thing, and despite the fact that the will they/won’t they storyline has been grating on me for about three books by now. In fact, reading it made me want to reread the series from the beginning, so I waited until we had unpacked all the book boxes to find the first book… and it wasn’t there. Neither were the second and third books in the series. My husband thinks that I may have started reading the series on my kindle, which sounds plausible. But for various reasons, I don’t want to read it on kindle again, so I am contemplating buying a copy. But then I will want to own ALL the books in the series, and that feels like a commitment I’m not ready to make. So. Here I dither, not reading the book I want to read, not buying books I want to buy, and not complaining about it on the book blog, but here instead. What would you do? I suppose I could check it out from the library, which would address a whole host of issues, some of which I started to discuss here but then deleted. However, for some unknown reason the library option isn’t appealing to me. What would you do? Have you ever bought a book you’ve already read just to own the complete series? What if I DO buy the rest of the series and the hardbacks are no longer available so half the series is in hardback and the other half is in paperback? Will that drive me book bonkers?

That’s all I have for today, Internet. Hope your Friday is sunny and that your weekend starts early!

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join in the fun, check out San’s blog here. 

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On Justification

Here’s a disagreement my husband and I have a few times a year: He will ask for advice in getting out of something – like beers at an old college acquaintance’s house or going to a patient’s sister’s open mic night – and I will suggest he simply say something like, “Oh thanks so much for including me, but I’m unavailable. Maybe next time!” 

This is a method I employ successfully in my life. But he says he needs A Real Reason – that if he goes with something vague, there will be follow-up questions. 

I prefer vague in the follow-up instance too. Something like, “Oh, just a family obligation.” or “Oh, I have a prior commitment.” (Apparently, I say “Oh” a lot when I am making vague sorry-I-can’t statements.)

He never takes me up on it. He wants something unassailable, like dinner plans or a weekend trip. He thinks people will keep poking at him until he says something specific. I think people who do that are rude or unable to read social cues. Also, I have never once encountered the level of pushback that he anticipates! (To be fair, I have a pretty strong case of RBF, while my husband has the sweet face and warm eyes of someone who would never snap at you for asking too many questions. So maybe people just know not to push me?) I honestly don’t know that he has ever encountered the level of pushback he anticipates; it may be largely if not entirely in his head! 

Do you feel the need to justify things on a specific level? 

I mean, I get that sometimes specificity is important. It can give context, right? Like if your boss wants you to staff a client event and you can’t, you might feel like saying, “I have to prep for surgery the following day” or “it’s my only night with the kids that week” will give you more credibility than going the simple “sorry, I can’t” route. And if you can’t make your sister’s wedding, it probably would go over better if you could blame your absence on something more specific than “a prior commitment.” 

Also, I understand that the phenomenon of canceling or “we totally should”ing plans is poison to a friendship. Also also, I realize that are probably different levels of “need to know,” and you might feel more comfortable sharing specifics with a good friend than you would with a coworker or your dental hygienist. I am well aware that there are exceptions.

But in general, I feel like we are all allowed some reasonable amount of privacy in our lives. And we are allowed to make decisions about how we spend our time, and shouldn’t feel like we have to have A Real Reason to skip out on something. We should be able to opt out of opt-out-able commitments for the simple reason that we don’t want to do the thing, and we shouldn’t have to feel bad about that or worry about hurting someone’s feelings by saying it straight out or deal with the discomfort of coming up with a believable lie. 

It seems like I may be in the minority of people who feel that way, though. 

I am part of two separate groups, one an email chain and the other a text chain. This past week, both of them were active and there was a similar experience in both groups.  

In both cases, the group leader requested a headcount of people coming to an upcoming event. She specifically said, “If you can be there, let me know.” Nothing about “everyone needs to respond,” nothing about “let me know if you cannot be there.” 

In each case, the first person to respond was able to attend. (I know this because they both replied all, which is another thing I cannot stand but which seems to be an unavoidable part of the culture here.) Then the responses rolled in, nearly identical in both situations – even though one situation was a volunteer event and the other was a social gathering. 

It went something like this: The second person responded in the affirmative, too. Then the third person said yes, and she was sorry she forgot to reply all. (SIGH.) Then the fourth person said she couldn’t and then gave a specific reason. Same with the fifth. Then the sixth replied all and gave a rather personal medical reason for not being able to volunteer. (Seriously! The personal medical reason happened in BOTH CASES.) (Which then leads to another thing that makes me feel uncomfortable, which is that everyone in the group replies all to extend their well wishes/condolences/etc. Which is nice, but results in too many texts/emails and also both feels performative and sets up the expectation that everyone needs to respond. What if I want to email the person separately??? What if I have never met this person and don’t feel I should know the details of her nosehair removal procedure????)  

Dude. We should not feel like we need to JUSTIFY our inability to show up to things! If you can show up, do it; if not, DON’T. But I feel resistant and a little flaily, to be honest, about the unvoiced and totally unnecessary expectation that you need to have A Real Reason to bow out of anything, especially a social event or a volunteer position. What if my reason is, I don’t want to? What if my reason is, I don’t want to drive an extra half hour that day? What if my reason is, that day was my only free day all month and I just want to lie on my back on the couch and stare at the cobwebs gently undulating in the air currents? 

My manager at my previous job was really good about this kind of thing. He’d email me (his subordinate) and his manager simultaneously and say, “I’m taking a personal day today.”  That was it. I might find out later on that his kid had been sick or he’d had a dental appointment or whatever. But it wasn’t something he shared and it freed me from feeling like I needed A Real Reason to take my own personal days. It showed that he trusted me – an adult – to manage my own time. I’m sure if I’d abused the policy, he would have addressed that. But I didn’t and I was so glad that I didn’t have to say things like “Carla was up all night cluster feeding and I’m so tired I can’t think” or “I have a therapy appointment today.” I’d just say, “I’m taking a personal day” or “I need to leave early this afternoon” and that was that. 

I wish we could all have that kind of privacy in our lives! That freedom from explaining ourselves, or fretting about whether our excuses are good or “real” enough. The knowledge that others aren’t judging us for saying no because they trust that our reasons are our reasons and that’s sufficient.

Listen. It’s not that I don’t empathize! When the reasons start flying, it makes me feel like I need to have my own reason for opting out. Like people won’t believe me, or they will grumble about me behind my back, or they won’t invite me in the future.

Obviously, I am feeling super guilty lately about my lack of involvement in anything other than the endless appointments associated with Moving And Getting Settled and my impulse is to make sure that the people I am flaking on know I am doing something else, and it is Not Fun. So truly, I get it. I am a people pleaser. I don’t want people to think I’m shirking any sort of responsibility, or taking my friendships or commitments lightly. But I think – I hope – I show that, by making the effort and showing up when I can. And I hope we can give people grace when they say they can’t do something, and realize that we all juggle multiple priorities, and sometimes one necessarily takes precedence over another. 

Even if that priority is lying on the couch, wondering if cobwebs count as Halloween décor.

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Dinners This Week

The thing is, for all my Big Dinner Plans from last week, I think I ended up making dinner twice. And once it was tacos and the other time it was pizza. The rest of it was convenience food from the freezer or from a variety of restaurants. 

We’ve had a pair of painters in the house for going on three weeks (this should be the last week, thank goodness). They are lovely people – quiet and friendly and good at their work. But I am deeply uncomfortable with strangers in my space. Additionally, the painters have been entering and exiting via the garage, which means they go through the kitchen semi-frequently. I find myself feeling Very Awkward about making food, including lunch, and have been unable to bring myself to prep anything for dinner while they are around, because they are either traveling right through the cooking space or working in/near it. (To allay at least some of the awkwardness, on my end at least, I have been bringing in occasional treats – donuts or some other pastry-type thing for breakfast maybe twice a week, cookies a couple of times, and last week I brought them lunch from a local shop.)  (Should I be buying them lunch and/or breakfast every day???? Sometimes I’m not here during those parts of the day, and what if they are just eating what I provide out of politeness???? Also, feeding two additional people one or two meals a day for 15 days seems… excessive???? Or am I being selfish and cheap???????) 

ANYWAY. I have not been making dinner with any sort of regularity, so the list below is highly aspirational. Especially because this is a Call Week, and my husband is unlikely to be home before 8:00 or 9:00 pm on any given day.

Dinners for the Week of October 16-22

• French Onion Soup: I already possess all the ingredients for this soup, so making it should be easy. But I was planning to make it yesterday and then got too tired from errands/football watching, so it didn’t happen. Hopefully I can drum up the enthusiasm to make it soon, though, because the leftovers are good and easy to heat up. (I do have some minor anxiety about whether my house will smell oniony once I make the soup, and whether that will bother the painters, even though logically I know they probably don’t care at all and just want me to make the occasional muffin available to them and then render myself invisible for the rest of the time they are in my house.)

• Sheet Pan Chicken with Zucchini: I grabbed some zucchini the other day, thinking it was such an easy vegetable to cook, and I already have chicken breasts in the freezer, awaiting their time in the sun, and having the ingredients to SUCH an easy meal on hand would give me NO excuse to resort to takeout. And yet the zucchini and the chicken remain unprepared and uneaten. Just move the chicken from the freezer to the fridge! Just wash the zucchini! That is 40% of the work right there!

• Oven Baked Pork Chops with Steamed Broccoli: Pork chops were on sale so I bought some because apparently Me In The Grocery Store is a totally different and much more with-it person than Me In My Well-Stocked Kitchen. I also have broccoli in the fridge I was supposed to eat last week. This is another extremely easy meal that I may still be unable to persuade myself to make.

• Some Sort of Curry: My husband and I had a date night recently during which we went to a massive Asian market a few towns over. We had so much fun wandering the aisles and picking out fun things to try (my favorite were the wasabi flavored Lays potato chips – yum!). Among the many things we bought were a few tubs of curry. I have some assorted veg in the fridge and plenty of meat options. Maybe I’ll try out one of the curry mixes. 

Time will tell whether I make any of these things, seeing as my intentions are even more halfhearted than usual.

If you meal plan, about what percentage of the meals on your list end up Made And Eaten by the end of the week? 

If you were to go on a food shopping and preparation date, what type of food would you shop for and what would you want to make?

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Mayday, Dinners This Week

It seems impossible, and yet this is pretty much the last week in May. School is nearly done. Camp is on the horizon. My parents’ move is imminent. All sorts of good things – and yet instead of happy and light, I am feeling scattered and overwhelmed. 

A lot of this is due to the fact that May has been cram-jammed with social events. In the last week alone I have attended: THREE school concerts, a playdate, a skating party, a birthday dinner, and a school event. Plus I went out to an impromptu lunch with a newish friend. Plus I got my hair cut and colored, which is wonderful but also involves more than an hour of chatting. Even chatting with my very lovely and hilarious hair stylist is exhausting. Plus it was a call week.

Up next, I have: a parents association event, my twentieth college reunion, a visit from my grad school best friend, and my parents’ arrival. Quickly to be followed by Carla’s birthday and subsequent party (which I still haven’t planned yet, because Carla has been dithering; I think we FINALLY have the details set, now I just need to book the place and send out invitations). 

Like I said earlier, this is all good stuff! Happy, fun, wonderful things I am excited about and have been looking forward to! And yet, THIS IS TOO MANY THINGS. 

One of my gentle aspirations this year was to get together with two friends a month, if you need a sense of my typical level of social interaction. This is so far beyond the typical that I am I am waving the white flag. I am standing on the prow of the ship, shouting “Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!” into the storm.

What do you do when you have too much going on? I am coping with walks – ALONE – when I can, and by sitting on the couch – ALONE – and watching episodes of Jeopardy! and reruns of Psych when I can. So far, these strategies are not helping a huge amount, mainly because my alone time has been severely limited. Because, of course, these Fun Extra Events are all being squeezed in and around Carla’s continued roster of activities and my regular duties of attempting to be a human. So I feel like I have little to no time to sit in a quiet room and decompress before bravely facing all the people and the talking once again.

Well. There’s no way out but through. Let’s think about food instead of about making small talk with a million more people. Yes, that’s right. Meal planning is the less onerous option here.

Last week was a sheet pan success, even though I only managed to make two of the meals I planned, so I’ve got a couple of sheet pan items on the menu again as well as a couple of leftovers. (The sheet pan tandoori chicken and cauliflower was my favorite, by the way. Very similar flavors to my old shawarma standby, but in a different and delicious form.) (Instead of sticking to the things I had planned, I also tried a balsamic chicken and veggie bake. It was okay, but the balsamic sauce ended up overpowering the meal. I might use the sauce only for the chicken if I make this recipe again.)

Dinners for (practically) the LAST WEEK IN MAY OMG:

• Summer Chipotle Chicken Salad with Cilantro Dressing: I did not manage to make this last week, but I have been thinking about it with longing. So back on the meal plan it goes! The only issue is that it calls for strawberries, and the berries on offer lately haven’t been particularly appealing, especially because they are also wildly expensive. To be fair, I don’t think it’s quite strawberry season. But maybe I’ll swap in blueberries? I haven’t decided if that will taste right with the cilantro dressing. Follow Up: This was underwhelming. The cilantro dressing was fine, the blueberries were fine (or, at least, I couldn’t see how strawberries would have been better), but the whole dish was kind of one-note. I think it could have benefited from some chunks of fresh mozzarella. When it comes to chipotle chicken, I VASTLY prefer this recipe.
• Chicken Fajitas: A couple of people mentioned sheet pan chicken fajitas last week and I built up quite a craving. 
• Mediterranean Chicken and Veggies: I think this was a backup for one of my options last week, and I didn’t make it or the meal for which it was a backup. But I have lots of cauliflower leftover from the tandoori sheet pan meal and I have some zucchini ready to go, so I think this is a done deal. Follow Up: This was delicious! I used cauliflower, zucchini, red onion, and chicken. The recipe doesn’t make a huge amount of marinade, but it was just right. The tahini sauce was fine, although nothing special. If I’d had hummus on hand, maybe thinning that out with some lemon juice would have been better (and quicker). I did drizzle the veggies and chicken with leftover cilantro dressing from the chipotle chicken salad, and combined with the tahini sauce, it added a delicious zing.
• Sheet Pan Sausage and Veggies: This is my reach meal for this week. Sarah recommended it, and it sounds delicious, but maybe more importantly, it sounds different from what we normally eat. Here is where I admit that I have never once cooked a sausage in my life. I’m not opposed to sausage. We ate kielbasa semi-regularly when I was growing up. But it wasn’t my favorite. I guess I feel about sausage the way I feel about meatloaf: totally something I am fine eating, but not necessarily something I would choose. But maybe that’s why it is the perfect choice! Maybe I will realize that I have been missing out on a delicious and easy protein source! At the very least, it will be a pleasant novelty compared to all the chicken we eat around here. If I can get past the abundant variety of sausage options and just CHOOSE one, I think I can make this happen.

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Being Social

I am feeling stricken with social anxiety, Internet. STRICKEN.

Here’s the thing: At the beginning of the school year, a group of parents from Carla’s school decided to get together semi-regularly. Varying numbers of these parents have met several times already and I have been unable to attend a single event. I have been sad, but also relieved because OMG dealing with people. But I have also been getting more and more anxious because I realize that the more this group meets, the more cohesive it becomes, and the harder it will be to join. I already feel like I am on the fringe of any group, and my inability to attend any of the events so far has already pushed me further to the edges of this group. Does that make sense?

Now, finally, the group is getting together on a night when my husband can watch Carla! So I took a deep breath and responded that I could go. And now: stricken. 

I am Not Good in groups. I mean, I am barely okay in one-on-one situations, but in groups I just flail. I have never mastered a non-awkward way to squeeze into an already-going conversation. I feel like my small talk game is poor. I am not adept at discussing current events. I am not an interesting storyteller. Not that I even have anything interesting to say. I become overly aware of how I talk and my tongue fumbles all over itself. If more than one person looks at me expectantly, my face will burst into flames. You know how it is. (Maybe you do not, in which case can we exchange personalities for a night please?) 

HOW do I do this? My 100% serious plan is to make a (mental) list of topics I can turn to in a pinch, but… what are those topics? I feel like I am pretty good at asking people about themselves, and since I don’t know a lot of these moms very well I can ask them who their kids are and what activities they’re doing and how their holidays were and whether they have anything exciting planned for our upcoming four-day weekend seriously we JUST had two weeks off and what their kids think of their teachers and what books they’ve read and whether they saw any good movies over the break… but I don’t necessarily know how to move from “bombarding a person with questions” to “real conversation.” I have a hard enough time carrying on a conversation with my hairdresser, and she’s just one person, and I am fairly comfortable with her. I have a hard time responding to the emails without feeling like I am dumb and everyone thinks I’m dumb. Going out to dinner with multiple people is like… more than that. Ugh ugh ugh. 

And if it’s a sit-down restaurant, where do I sit? And what do I wear? And and and…? 

There are a couple of parents I do know fairly well who are in the group, and I could probably try to hang near them. But I don’t want to be a GLOMMER-ONNER, you know? Plus, it would be nice to get to know new people. 

I don’t even know what I am asking you. I am just nervous. And determined to go anyway, because it is good to be social and it is good to meet new people and presumably most of us will know each other and each other’s kids for the next eight years at least and it is good to push outside one’s comfort zone now and again… but I’m also really nervous.   

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Out of the Food Fret Frying Pan and Into the Fire

I DID IT. Based on your supportive comments and gentle nudges toward action, I talked to my neighbor about her lovely lunch invitation.  First, I resolved to talk to her about it. Next, I cobbled together a script from several commenters’ suggestions, and I practiced it in the car and in the shower. Then, I waited for the Right Opportunity.

Carla provided me with a very nice segue – she was playing with the neighbor’s dog, and I needed her to come home to eat lunch. So I walked next door to fetch her. The neighbor came out and said hello, and I told her the reason for my appearance. Then I made my little speech: “Speaking of lunch, I was thinking about your kind invitation that we have lunch together, and I was so delighted by the offer that I said yes without thinking, but the truth is, Carla and I have so many silly food restrictions between us it’s not really worth getting into, and I was wondering if we could do something a little simpler, like afternoon tea or lemonade?” When I practiced it, I was Breezy and Casual and I had a little self-deprecating laugh in there, plus I also had a line about how of COURSE we wanted to spend time with her… and I also wanted to offer to bring homemade cookies or something… but it all came out in a rush and I forgot some of it. Oh well. At least I got out the important part which was LUNCH WILL NOT GO WELL.

Her immediate reaction was, “Oh no, sometimes I give Carla food when she comes over!” and so I had to reassure her that I didn’t mean allergies, but rather that Carla is the pickiest person on the planet. (Deftly trying to put the bulk of the blame on Carla’s food restrictions rather than my own.) Here is where Carla chimed in and informed our neighbor that I HATE tomatoes. So I am clearly not blameless. 

Once I had assured her she wasn’t doing something egregious by feeding my child cherries and red peppers, she seemed to relax a bit. She asked if something like tea and biscuits would be fine and I said that would be lovely and we discussed possible dates (though didn’t settle on anything specific). I am… so relieved. THANK YOU for helping me figure out the right way to handle this sticky situation. 

Now I can turn my Food Frets toward camp. 

Carla is attending a new camp this summer, and they don’t offer meals. So we will be packing a lunch. This is fine. 

Now that she is nearly NINE (which is nearly TEN, omg), I am looking forward to forcing encouraging Carla to make her own lunch (with supervision). We discussed some potential ideas for lunches, and her Ideal Lunch is a Lunchable. She only eats the ham Lunchable, and she only eats the ham, the cookies, and the crackers. She refuses to eat the cheese. If I pack her slices of other cheese – specifically cheddar that I have cut for her – she will eat that. 

So I was banking on sending her with Lunchables each day, and that if Lunchables become unavailable (again), or if she gets sick of them, we can pack a bagel and cream cheese with some pepperoni.

To round out her lunch, I would add other things she eats, like pickles and grapes and berries and grape tomatoes and red peppers and sugar snap peas. 

So I felt pretty good about our options. 

Then we got a note from camp that said NO PORK PRODUCTS. 

AHHHHHHHHH 

What now???

I suppose what we have to do is revert to PBJ. The camp is not a nut-free campus, so peanut butter is an option. Carla also enjoys eats sun butter, so she (and I) can make sandwiches every day. Carla eats sun butter sandwiches at school all year long, so I know she WILL eat them. But the last time I tried to make her one, she complained because my sandwiches weren’t the SAME as the ones at school. 

Weary sigh. 

I suppose I can just send her with the equivalent of Snack Dinner, but for lunch. But I am just not sure what the protein situation will be in that case. Snack Dinner usually has pepperoni or a couple of chicken nuggets or two.

I wonder if she would eat cold chicken nuggets (hork)? 

The reason that I am fretting about this is two-fold.

The first fold is that the camp really made a Big Deal about ensuring that we sent a LOT of food with our kids to camp. They emphasized that we should send MORE than we think – like, enough food for a week rather than a day. The kids work so hard and are so active, they are ravenous when they get to lunchtime. So I want to a) comply with the rules and b) make sure my particular kid is getting enough sustenance. 

The second fold is that Carla already eats next to nothing for lunch. I assume she eats something at school each day, although her reports are sporadic and often sound like, “Oh yeah, I ate a hamburger bun and a slice of American cheese.” So I am already facing an uphill climb when it comes to getting her to eat. I want to stack all the odds in my favor by ensuring her lunches are full of things she LIKES, not just things she tolerates. 

Well. I am not really asking for ideas, because I feel like it will be an exercise in frustration. (You, reasonably: “Send her with some chickpeas! Or beans! Or hummus! Or tuna salad! Or turkey! Or a protein drink!” and I will cringe at you while shaking my head because she will not touch ANY of that, and the list is endless.) (I am going to buy some turkey pepperoni and see if Carla will deign to try it.) I am just whining. New camp, new frets. 

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