Through a combination of targeted approaches over the past six months, I feel like I have effectively reduced my overall anxiety level. I notice some anxieties no longer really bother me at all – they only linger in expectation form, like a phantom anxiety that I expect to bubble up but never does. (Perhaps this is a brand NEW anxiety, although it doesn’t ACT like anxiety.)
Other anxieties remain. I think it is impossible to live a life 100% free from anxiety; even the most laid-back people in my life, after all, have their Things. But sometimes the things I stress about are so SILLY, worrying about them seems completely inexplicable… and yet I cannot stop bumping up against them, like a ring I twist unconsciously on my finger or a mosquito bite I can’t help but scratch.
I am going to share the current mosquito bite with you, in hopes that a) putting it into words acts as a sort of soothing salve and b) I am not the only person who angsts over things that are ridiculous yet nonetheless persistently irritating. Please. Please. Tell me all the ridiculous things that keep you awake at night.
A bunch of my loved ones are gathering to celebrate A Momentous Occasion and I cannot join them. Out of some sort of mishmash of FOMO and Wanting To Show I Care, I suggested to the host that maybe I could supply breakfast for one morning when everyone is together.
The host responded with positivity and gratitude. Yes, my overture would be welcome and appreciated.
Almost immediately, I regretted giving in to this generous impulse. Because I am NOT GOOD AT THIS KIND OF THING. This is a task that requires phone calls and guessing what other people might want in terms of quantity and flavor. This is a task that requires, possibly, using DoorDash or UberEats or one of the many food delivery services I have never once used in my life. This is a task that requires evaluating, based on online information, whether a caterer/restaurant/café is going to provide good food and good value.
The Occasion is taking place in a state I have never visited. Everyone is staying in an Air BnB together. It seemed, in my head, like it would be fairly easy to order donuts or bagels or breakfast sandwiches for everyone to be delivered to the house. But I was wrong!
My first thought was to use Goldbelly to order something. I’ve used Goldbelly for various food gifts in the past, and it always seems to work out. (Unless my parents and sibling are shielding me from the awful truth…) But a) I couldn’t find what I wanted for under $250, which was more than I intended to spend, and b) my husband thought I was a huge weirdo for choosing that option when I could just order from someplace local.
Oh. Okay. Right.
So I researched some local places. Is it reasonable to put all my faith in online reviews and personal reaction to company websites???? Reasonable or not, that is where I put my faith.
The first place I called took a message and never returned my call. When I called back, they said they were in the middle of a busy period and could I call back later. The second place I called rang and rang and rang. The third place I called was an on-site caterer, and they apparently only cater to their specific site. The first place, which I called a third time, once again took my information and never called me back.
I decided I would order from Panera, which has a simple online order form and would deliver the food for me. And also, Panera isn’t, like, special or anything, but it’s decent. However, I mentioned this plan to someone whose opinion I trust. The response was an instantaneous and very firm, “Don’t do that,” and a quick google search to locate a fourth place (well, fifth, if you count Panera, which I am not counting so I’m not sure why I’m typing this parenthetical) for me to call.
If I could have had this friend call the fourth place for me and place the order, I would have. I was Done, Dee Oh En Ee, with this task, except I wasn’t because the only thing worse than calling yet another breakfast place was telling the host I was reneging on my offer. Don’t think I didn’t strongly consider it.
The fourth place answered the phone! They could put together a breakfast that sounded good! And they could deliver! They quoted me a price, although they “didn’t have the price sheet in front of them, so they were just estimating” and I said let’s do this.
I emailed the host of The Occasion and let her know what I was planning, and confirmed the correct date and time and location. She responded with a thumbs up. (Not a literal or emojical thumbs-up, but with an affirmation that I was doing something that worked with her plans.)
It seems to me that Other People have no problem with tasks like this. Either they would call Panera from the get-go, or they would quickly and easily find the exact perfect place to order breakfast from and order breakfast from that place, or they would tell the host “sorry, it’s not working out, can I contribute another way,” or they wouldn’t offer to provide breakfast in the first place, like a chump. So part of the anxiety stems from feeling like I am making a big messy ordeal out of something that should be SIMPLE and STRAIGHTFORWARD. And the other part of the anxiety stems from fear that I am going to fuck it up somehow.
Today, the fourth place called me and took my credit card information. The price they charged me was quite a bit higher than the quote, but at that point, what could I do? I was already locked in. The date of The Occasion is too near to go back to the drawing board, and I am too worn out from calling all these places and thinking about this for WEEKS to contemplate doing anything else.
And now I am waiting, very anxiously, hoping that the delivery goes as planned, and the food I ordered is good, and that I ordered ENOUGH FOOD, I am not even going to TELL YOU how much I ordered or for how many people because I am so stressed about it and so worried you will say OMG SUZANNE THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH/TOO LITTLE FOOD.
I even texted a family member who will be in attendance at this Occasion, and let her know that I’d placed the order and it was all set to be delivered at a specific time and directed to the host… even though this family member did not ask for this information, or volunteer to help in any way, and I do not want to make her feel like it’s now, somehow, HER responsibility.
Also: let me be clear. I fully realize this is not about me. The Occasion is… A Momentous Occasion for my loved one, and there is a whole big to-do going on that has nothing to do with my measly breakfast contribution, and a crappy breakfast is not going to make or break an entire long weekend of celebrating. I GET THIS. My brain understands. But my body is not on board! It is all riled up. The My Breakfast Contribution aspect of The Occasion is all I can think about! What if the food is terrible? What if it feeds only half of the guests? What if everyone gets food poisoning?! (Food poisoning could break a weekend, I suppose.) Why am I worrying about such a small slice of the overall pie of The Occasion? WHY?????? Whatever it is, it will be a blip at most. (Unless food poisoning.) (Please, God, let there be no food poisoning.)
My husband says, “It’s the thought that counts.” And. Well. Sort of? But also… I don’t want to be The Person Who Sent Shitty Breakfast (or diarrhea, which is an entirely different kind of shitty breakfast).
I should have just kept my dumb mouth shut! I should never have offered to do anything! I should have simply offered to send cash to help fund An Event!
This is the kind of thing that is itching and ITCHING and I cannot scratch it. I want to moan about it to my husband. I want to text about it to my friends. I want to call the host of The Occasion and triple check that I got all the details right and get her to tell me that it won’t even matter if it’s crap because everyone will be drunk on mimosas, or have her tell me that a third of the guests suddenly can’t make it, or have her assure me that there’s tons of other food in the house just in case I didn’t order the right amount (HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT AMOUNT TO ORDER OMG). I want to call my family member who will be on site and ask her to text me photos. I want to FLY TO THE STATE AND BE AT THE OCCASION AND HANDLE THE WHOLE THING IN PERSON OMG.
At least The Occasion will be over soon and I will no longer be troubled by the possibilities; I will know the outcome (because you know I am going to pester my family member until I get a report), and hopefully the reaction will fall somewhere in the range of “meh, that was okay” to “well, that was a pleasant little breakfast spread!”
At the very least, I hope no one thinks, “Wow, we should have just gone to Panera.”
I am Just The Same about things like this. And I can tell you for sure, from the outsider perspective, that what you did is going to be ABSOLUTELY GOOD.
I HOPE SO. (Thank you.)
Hi Suzanne, I’d say the first thing to do if you’re anxious is make sure you’re well-rested. Also, do listen to what your intuition tells you without second-guessing yourself much. I get that when you’re anxious you get many thoughts at once, but try to start a new day with a good feeling and then when your mind goes to this task just listen to your intuition. If your intuition doesn’t like one of the options, call and cancel without worrying too much about it. Just my humble opinion. HUGS. And remember that part of your anxiety also means you care a lot, which is a GOOD thing.
Thanks, Mira! ❤️
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You and my sister would get along well! Her husband once told her that she should have lived in the Soviet Union, where people had no choices. I agree this would seem like a daunting task, and would cause me some stress. Like I wouldn’t know how much to order either, and be confused about that for a while. But I think I would have just said “Panera it is!” and placed the order. I’m still not exactly sure what’s wrong with Panera, but presumably what you did end up ordering will be nicer. So you deserve a lot of credit for caring as much as you do, and wanting to make it extra-special. I hope we get an update on how it all worked out (with maybe some pictures of this sumptuous breakfast spread!)
I have NO IDEA what’s wrong with Panera. But at that point, I think I just wanted someone to tell me what to do, you know?
Laughing at your BIL’s suggestion to try living in the Soviet Union. Okay, okay — too much choice, for sure, but there are more challenging things!
I am so touched that you thought to send breakfast and I am not even invited to this occasion. I think this will be lovely!
I’m scratching my head over the person who basically turned up their nose over Panera. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, people. Sheesh. It was very kind of you to offer to do this. I am sorry it turned into such a pain, though. But how generous of you!!
I have all sorts of things that I turn over in my head over and over and over again so I can so relate!
I hate making decisions. Hate it.
This whole post IS ME. It’s ME SUZANNE. I am anxious for you and this would have been me to a “T”.
I have a way of making even the simplest things (not that this is simple – the logistics of this seem anything buy simple) much more difficult than they need to be. It’s my superpower.
This type of thing would keep me up for weeks, to be honest. I’m so impressed with your tenacity through the phone calls and estimating and just all of that! The thought is so kind and that’s without the mental lift. The Panera thing is oof to me (it’s a pretty good breakfast!), but how nice of you to continue the course when someone nixed it. I hope they love the breakfast, but more hope that it’s soon so your mind can move on.
I don’t know if I would overanalyze that particular situation, but I have plenty of other things in my life that I overanalyze! I remember first learning about analysis/paralysis and being offended that someone had suggested that I had it, and then later realizing that I DO have it! Dang it. I am sure that everyone appreciated your actions, and I think if it were me, I would be fine with whatever you picked, no matter the quantity. Free breakfast, yay! You should be proud of what you did, and it really shows that you care a lot that you put so much thought into it.
oh gosh, I would not be good at this either. Phone calls, trying to guess what people might want to eat, unfamiliar location… sounds like you did the best you could!
That does sound like a challenging thing to organize from a distance. Just getting cupcakes to Noah at college on his birthdays and half-birthdays felt like a logistical challenge that I solved by picking a bakery and sticking to it for his entire college career. (And skipping the tradition the semester he was in Australia because trying to do business many time zones away and with different currency? No.)
If it weren’t a momentous occasion and if you had more control over the outcome, I bet you wouldn’t be as anxious. Those feelings are normal under the circumstances; at least, they are for me!
That is so sweet of you to send breakfast! What is wrong with Panera though? I am a person who LOVES when people send food and basically appreciate all food for any events. I’m glad you found someone to do food but it sounds like way more effort than expected. I am sure everyone will be appreciative when it all arrives!
Oh this would have sent me in a tailspin for sure. BUT, when dealing with catered food, I would definitely rely on the caterer to know just how much food is needed for how many people. I mean, that IS their job; after all. So rest assured, you will have ordered plenty of food. And it will be so appreciated; particularly since you took the time to deal with it and you aren’t even going to be there!
And holy cow, what is wrong with Panera?!
This is definitely anxiety talking. It is a lovely gesture but also, no one is going to really think about it much at all besides saying OH THAT WAS SO NICE. You did a great job, and it’s going to be excellent.
Eeeeek anything food-hosting related gives me serious anxiety. Like if I hear that someone is having anyone besides maybe their own parents staying with them, I IMMEDIATELY think- oh gosh what will they serve to eat all those days? Or sometimes in Mexico we’ll have relatives or friends who want to come stay with us (but people I’m not personally super close to) and I immediately start worrying about IF they come, what will we eat?! Haha. I actually like cooking but I find cooking for others or even providing food (as in your case) to just be really stressful. Like I think I have an abnormal phobia of this. I feel like other women/moms have some gene here that I’m missing.
You don’t have to be perfect to be good.
I have never ever, ever gotten flowers from someone and thought- huh. Those gerbers are a little weak and the roses are bit off color. They should have ordered these from a different flower shop in town.
I have ALWAYS only ever thought- gosh how thoughtful of them to think of me, and send me something so tangible to show they care!
You did good. And you know what? You did good and ALSO chose an option that was harder and more involved than just sending cash- AND that freed up their own headspace from having to do it. That is so incredibly thoughtful of you to have done.
And feel free to Ask your relative for a picture just to confirm what was ordered was what showed up- that isn’t burdensome and will help quelsh your anxiety here a bit!
As an outsider looking in my thoughts are:
I think this would have stressed me out too. The idea of sending a breakfast is SO thoughtful. I think I would have sent money or flowers and that would have been that, but breakfast is above and beyond and so much nicer.
I regretted giving in to this generous impulse. I relate to this idea and have done the same thing. The positive side of me thinks I’ll be doing my part, but the anxious side of me then finds it stressful to do it. As for your difficulties with Panera, this would be me too… while my husband would make one call, never think about it again, and it’d work out for him. Different people, different personalities.
I’m sorry this was so difficult, because it was such a nice and thoughtful and generous gesture. I am confident that it was lovely and that everyone enjoyed it. I did get a chuckle out of the various angles on ‘shitty breakfast’. I am the worst at deciding how much food to prepare. the WORST. I am not allowed to order pizza for our family. I would have enough to feed the entire neighborhood.
I have NO IDEA how much food to make, ever. It is a serious problem!
First, hooray for working on your anxiety! That’s amazing progress, friend. Doesn’t it feel good when we start recognizing that things that used to make us spiral don’t feel that way anymore?! LOVE IT.
Second, I AM THE SAME WAY SUZANNE. I got this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when you said you volunteered to help with this. I would be spiraling, too. All that to say: I understand you and you’re not the only person who would spend so much mental energy on this simple (“simple”) task.
Not a silly thing at all to be stressing over — and I also don’t understand the aversion to Panera breakfast?? It was such a sweet gesture and I know it will be much appreciated.
I’m also so glad that despite these kinds of pesky things popping up, you’re finding better ways to manage anxiety in general. It’s useful when it can be harnessed to help make good decisions but not when it becomes overwhelming!
I am terrible at figuring out how much food to serve. This is why I don’t offer to entertain anymore.
I laughed at the last line. What IF someone says, “you know, I was really craving bagels and cream cheese!”
I”M KIDDING. 🤣
I recently had to go to a new place and instead of being excited about the new things, I was worried about all the logistics. Where will I park? How will I pay? What door do I go in? And it’s dumb because EVERYONE ELSE FIGURES IT OUT and I’m a smart person and presumably if it’s clear for everyone else, it should be clear for me, too. But, you know. Anxiety going to anxiety.
I tend to angst over little things like this too, only because I want to PLEASE the people. 🙂
My friend, I would have gone straight to Panera after hitting one or two local walls. But it does come down to: It’s the thought that counts. And well YOU DID A LOT OF THINKING. XO
Oh, it’s so dangerous to make “offers” at the spur of the moment that people actually take you up on and I can definitely relate so much to your anxiety around the whole thing.
I also don’t know what is wrong with Panera though? They have decent coffee and good bread/pastries and a round of bagels or croissants would have been very much appreciated if this was my party.
I think it’s fantastic that you care so much that you wanted to contribute in some way and make it special for your family member. I am sure they’ll appreciate whatever you sent their way!
Yes yes yes YES YES. Yes, I worry about small weird things. Yes this is the kind of exuberant offer I would make and then agonize about fulfilling. Yes, feeding a group of people is HARD, even when it’s at your own damn HOUSE, never mind in another place entirely.
YES.
I had a birthday party for my husband and a friend who is his near-birthday-twin. Agonized. We had my parents over for takeout for mother’s day. My mom didn’t want to say what she wanted to eat, she wanted to ‘be surprised’. SERIOUSLY?
Rest assured, you will never duplicate the brunch that we paid ninety dollars for at my husband’s last Science School Class Reunion. The vegan brunch. Ninety dollars. And not GOOD vegan. We will forever be bitter and I will never agonize over being bad at feeding people again. That’s a lie, yes I will.