Friends Through Writing and Bloggers vs Non Bloggers

I have some bloggy questions for you today. But what inspired this post is a little interaction I had with my husband, who is a Non Blogger. As in, he doesn’t blog and while he may read a few blogs here and there, he doesn’t ever comment on blogs and sees them purely as informative. 

Earlier this week, I had the absolutely delightful thrill of connecting with a longtime blog friend. That night, when my family sat down to dinner, my husband asked how my day was, and I went on at length about how fun it was not just to interact with this person, but to see each other’s faces and hear each other’s voices. 

“You’d never met in person before?” Carla wanted to know. 

Nope.

“How did you get to know each other?” my husband asked.

Just… through the internet. 

But that wasn’t enough of an answer for either of them. They were super curious about not just how I’d met this person, but how we’d built a friendship online. For reference, my husband is Not Online; he doesn’t have any social media presence at all. And my daughter is a baby*, so, same. 

If I go back to the very beginning of bloggy time, which for me was 2009, I think the possibility of friendships is what prompted me to start blogging. At the time, I was working remotely from my apartment, and I was the primary breadwinner for our household. My husband and I had just moved to a new city for his medical residency. I didn’t really know anyone and I didn’t have the temperament to go meet people in the wild. But I had spent two-ish years reading a bunch of wedding planning blogs, which led to finding and reading people’s personal blogs. I was a lurker and never commented, but I could see in the comments how people were getting to know one another. This was very appealing to me and my personal situation. 

So I started a blog, and began commenting on other blogs. Slowly, and despite the fact that I was semi-anonymous online (I am shy and pretty private, which may or may not surprise you), my online community grew. 

Speaking of anonymity: My husband knows I have a blog; my parents do as well, and one college friend. (And now Carla, whose primary knowledge of blogs is via really terrible sitcoms.) But that’s really it. If the topic comes up, I may share with offline friends that I have a book blog, but I try to keep my online world private from my offline world. WHY this separation is important is something I have never fully been able to articulate. Maybe something about feeling freer to be myself online when I know I’m not being observed by people I might see during a playdate or around the holiday table? This blog is a space where I can talk about only what interests me, whether it’s weird interactions at the UPS Store, or too many words about shampoo, or rants about stupid rules, or fretting about the great unknowable job of parenthood. I don’t have to discuss politics or make intelligent commentary about world events or craft beautiful prose. It’s my space and I can fill it with mundanity and silliness and whining. The people who read it are here despite – or because of? – the subject matter, so it feels comfortable to keep going in this vein. I don’t feel any pressure to Write Important Things or be succinct or have fewer rambling sentences. 

I admit, I have sometimes felt a little weird about posting certain things with the knowledge that my mother or husband could be reading. Not that I am in any way different online than I am off, with the possible exception being that perhaps I try a little harder to be funny in my posts than I do in person. Also, I talk a LOT more when the talking is via words on a page rather than verbal utterings. But it’s not like there’s anything secret going on here. I’m not a covert Flat Earther or anything. 

All this is beside the point, which is community. I blog for the community. To keep in touch with people, and learn about their dogs and their kiddos and their aspirations and their frets and their passions and their own everyday putterings. And I feel like I’ve found that community. Twice, now – once before the days of Twitter, which I blame, perhaps unreasonably, for the sharp decline in blogging in the later half of the last decade, and again in the past few years, with a handful of stalwart bloggers who’ve bridged the distance between the two. I love that some of those friendships have bloomed beyond the confines of our separate blogs.

But even though I have had this experience, I found myself really struggling to explain to my husband and child how I’d developed a friendship with people I’d never met. How could I KNOW such a person? How had we made the leap from blog reader / blog commenter to friends? 

I don’t know. Maybe it seems strange, to a non-blogger, that you can develop a real relationship with someone purely through written communication. That you can come to know a person, simply by what they choose to post online. That you can form a relationship that’s as genuine as any friendship formed offline. 

Maybe some of us simply communicate better via the written word. I feel so strongly that this is true for me. When speaking with people in person, I trip over my tongue, or the words cling together in a way that changes my intended meaning and I end up kicking myself later for not getting my point across accurately or well. I struggle to keep up with the flow of conversation, to take part in a way that doesn’t feel lagging or stilted. There’s none of that in writing. I can think things through. Usually I can go back and revise and make sure I’m saying things the way I want to say them. When I respond to your post, or your comment, there’s nothing distracting me or making me nervous. If there’s more to say, or things to clarify, I can follow up in an email. 

One of my dearest offline-world friends is also a friend-through-writing, even though we have also met many times in person. He and I worked together at my last full-time job. While I was in the home office, he worked remotely, from a different state, and it was several months before I met him in person. My first introduction to him was via a series of long emails he wrote me, outlining things he thought I might want to know, describing the position as it had been before I’d arrived, and laying out some things he thought we might work on together in the future. It was informative and provided such insight into the way his mind works, the way he approaches things, the meticulous and thoughtful nature of his personality. And, although we did talk on the phone and in person many times over the years, our primary method of communication was email. Even though we have both since left that company, we have remained good friends. We still communicate a LOT through email, although we also have regular Zoom chats. 

Meaningful, real relationships can grow through writing alone. I’m sure people had similarly strong friendships back in the days of letter writing – and how much more slowly those friendships must have formed! (Can you imagine pouring your heart out in a blog post, aching for commiseration or advice, and then having to wait for the postal service to deliver your post and then wait even longer for your correspondent to respond?) But I imagine it does seem strange to those who have never experienced it.

I don’t know if I fully addressed my husband’s curiosity about blog friendships. But his interest made me wonder about you, and your blogging experience. Would you share your experience with me? Here are some questions to get the words flowing. (The first few questions are for bloggers, but there are some questions in there for non bloggers as well.) Also, please do not feel the need to be succinct in your answers. I am a huge fan of novel-length comments; never hide your wordiness light under a bushel around here. 

Questions for Bloggers

1. Do you have a blog, and if so what is your blog url? 
2. How long have you been blogging?
3. Why did you start a blog? 
4. Do people in your offline life read your blog?
5. Do you tell people you have a blog?
6. Have you ever met a blogger in the offline world?
7. What do you like best about blogging?

Questions for Non Bloggers

1. Approximately how many blogs do you read?
2. Do you comment on all the blogs you read?
3. Why do you seek out blogs (vs or in addition to other, more formal sources)?
4. Have you ever met a blogger in the offline world?
5. Would you ever consider writing your own blog?
6. If you at one time had a blog (especially one I loved reading), what made you stop posting and how do I persuade you to start blogging again?

Okay, I want all the deets.

And, in case it isn’t clear, I love knowing you. I appreciate your reading the nonsense I post here, and the support and kindness and advice and commiseration you offer. Thank you so much for being here and making this blogging thing such a satisfying, meaningful part of my life.

* Not a literal baby.

I am kinda sorta attempting to complete NaBloPoMo, with the full expectation that life will make it impossible any day now. If you want to follow along, or join the fun, check out San’s blog here. 

Read Full Post »

An Introvert Whines (Again)

Recently I read one of those tweet round-up articles that was something like, “things millennials love to say.” One of the tweets was something like, “Millennials love to talk about what it means to be an introvert.”

To say I felt attacked…

Well, today I am going to WHINE, and possibly (knowing me) at GREAT LENGTH, about being an introvert because I AM an introvert and I am at my breaking point! I am a frayed wire! 

My volunteer event is nearing completion, and the lead up is the time when little things go awry and things arise that we didn’t anticipate. I have had ten separate phone calls in the past two days to discuss various facets of the events and two Facetime calls. I spent 205 minutes on the phone calls alone. That is more than an hour and a half on the phone! I do not like talking on the phone!

I have also had a very lovely, very friendly worker in my house for the past four days. 

This is my limit on human interaction. I have reached it.

I was already nearing my limit, what with all the houseguests (yes, they have been gone a while now, but I am still recovering). But now I am all topped up, thank you.

I am not being a good friend, I know this. I have a friend I have had to say no to multiple times over the past few weeks because I am either previously engaged (yuck) or because I just cannot bear the idea of spending even an hour with even a very dear friend. I backed out of attending a Moms Night that has been in the works for weeks. I have been ignoring phone calls from another friend. We finally chatted today while I was in the car and she wanted to plan a time to get together when things slow down.

“Let’s get drinks as soon as your event is over!” she said. 

I told her I didn’t think that would be a good idea. 

“You should just tell your family, ‘look, I’m going out!’” she told me.

My family would be fine with that (because then there would be one less person for THEM to deal with; we are all introverts), but going out with a group of friends for a fun night of drinks and talking is the last thing I want to do. The. Last. 

That kind of thing does not energize me. It does not feel like A Break. It feels overwhelming and anxiety-producing on the best of days, and if I did it now, it would have the added flavor of feeling like Just Another Thing I have to endure until I can be alone and quiet.

I want to go to a cabin in the remote wilderness BY MYSELF and sit in silence BY MYSELF for a month. That’s what I want to do. Then, maybe I will feel up to going out with one or two people. Maybe.

It seems as though I am doing NaBloPoMo this month, which is 30 blog posts in 30 days. (Will I make it??? Only time will tell.) Details at San’s blog here.

Read Full Post »

Not Quite a Friend, Not Quite an Enemy

Great, now I have early-2000s Britney Spears stuck in my head. 

I need a word for something. Well, for someone, really. 

The word is for someone who is more than an acquaintance – someone you see fairly regularly, like a coworker or a Sunday school classmate or a person you volunteer with or a brother-in-law. 

But they are not a friend, because, well. They just aren’t. Maybe your personalities clash, or you have wildly different feelings about politics/vaccines/childrearing. Or maybe you have tried to be friends, but have learned that this person doesn’t share your morals or any of your interests. 

And yet you are constantly thrown into situations with this person, because of work/family/church/volunteering/school. Whatever. So you must interact with and be civil to this person. Or, at the very least, tolerate them. 

And it’s not like they are AWFUL, or anything. They have good points, along with the ones that make your eyes get very wide. They’re witty, or charming, or generous, or good at connecting you with others, or skilled at what they do. 

They aren’t an acquaintance. They aren’t a friend. They aren’t an enemy. (And, for purposes of this post, let’s say that works like “coworker” or “sibling-in-law” or “classmate” do not apply.)

What is the word for this person? 

The word I’ve used most frequently for this type of person in my life is “frenemy.” But that doesn’t feel quite adequate. It implies more of an edge, I think. I want a more neutral term. Like “acquaintance” but with more intimacy.

Do you have a person like this in your life? 

It seems as though I am doing NaBloPoMo this month, which is 30 blog posts in 30 days. (Will I make it??? Only time will tell.) Details at San’s blog here.

Read Full Post »

Untimely Death (the Topic! Not an Actual Death!)

Listen, I know literally NONE of the kind, lovely people reading these words right now is concerned with my untimely death. (Disclaimer: Am not dead, nor near death.) (Disclaimer to the latter half of the previous disclaimer: As far as I know.) Anyway. You KNOW about Life, and how it Happens, and also you are (likely) a blogger as well, and know many of the infinite reasons that keep a person from blogging. Also, I have taken MUCH longer blog breaks than A WEEK, get a grip, Me. But ALL WEEK I have had this little voice in my head saying, “Update your blog. We are in pandemic times. People will fret.” And I have countered that by saying, repeatedly, as to a child who has selective hearing about getting their socks on omfg, GET A GRIP, and yet here we are, metaphorically sockless. Well, now I’m not even sure how we got here, to bare feet. Seems I have lost the thread. 

Let’s start again. 

I think the pandemic has made me a bit panicky about… well, many things. But this week, at least, I am (gently, musingly) panicky about what if someone I care for but don’t know (YOU) should suffer something awful – too awful to make blogging possible? Is there some sort of blogging phone tree (or, PLEASE, email tree) that we need to subscribe to? I suppose the blog is as good a central messaging system as any, as long as someone remembers/is directed to post there.

In the case of my untimely somethingsomething, if and when it should occur, I feel confident that a) a few bloggers know enough about Me In Real Life that they could find out what happened and report back and b) when I was freaking out that my husband and/or I would die during our tenth anniversary trip to Europe, I did put a little note in A Place That People Would Find, and it included my blog password and a request to post a note about my death. I did not include anything about updating social media, but I have Real Life Friends on instagram who could potentially let people know, and I never post on Twitter anyway, so I don’t think they count in the same way. The point is, presumably, someone at some point would let you know. This is all assuming anyone would care if I suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, but I am assuming YES, you would care, because you are kind and lovely and also because thinking otherwise is the path to madness.

But what about YOU? Do you have such a plan in place? Most importantly, please don’t die. But also, I would CARE and I would WANT to know. 

Oooh… now I am really ramped up on this topic. If you are unprepared to get even MORE MORBID, then I suggest you skip this post. I will post something more cheerful tomorrow, I promise. 

Here is the more morbid part:

I would want to know details. Listen, that sounds ghoulish, I know. But I’m not saying, like, ALL the details. Just… details. 

My husband and I watched an episode of Shark Tank the other night, and it featured this really great entrepreneur who was an ex-Marine and who just gave off this vibe of Niceness and Sincerity. He and his partner got a deal for their product. But then at the end of the show, there was a note on the screen that said the show was dedicated to that same man, and then listed the dates of his birth and death. It was shocking! I was shocked! 

I immediately went online to find out what happened, and from what I could tell, he’d succumbed to cancer. One or two articles implied that he had perhaps been sick for awhile. But I wanted MORE details. What kind of cancer? How long had he been sick? Was he sick while on the show? Was his death expected? I guess this is morbid curiosity, right? Wherein you feel that if you know the details of someone’s undoing, you can somehow avoid them yourself? I don’t know. 

And I FULLY understand that he and his family have a right to privacy. Fully understand. That makes total sense. 

However, he is a total stranger to me. YOU are not. And I would want to know – not all the details, of course, because you also deserve privacy. But maybe like, the cause of death, and was it sudden or expected? How is your family doing? Is there something I can DO, like buy a meal for the family or donate to a favorite charity?

Maybe I need to write an In Case of Death blog post, with some fill-in-the-blanks so my husband or whomever can fill it in. Like, how is Carla doing. And is my husband taking time off work. And if there will be a funeral/memorial service. And if my parents/in-laws will be coming to help take care of Carla. And maybe my state of mind, toward the end. “She keeled over doing what she loved, eating nachos” – something like that. 

Perhaps what I am suggesting is the reinvention of the obituary. But in my head, it would be somehow different, for the blog readers. 

It would be ideal, I think, if there were some person who knew me enough to know the details, but who wouldn’t dissolve into tears writing about them in a blog post. (You see that I am assuming tears, as well. Not that I am assuming everyone has to be stricken with unbearable grief, or anything. But I would appreciate a few tears.) I wouldn’t know how to go about setting up an arrangement like that, though. Presumably the dispassionate blog poster would have to interact with one of the teary-eyed family members, to get the appropriate information. Maybe the pre-written post is truly the best plan. I can put it in a prominent In Case of Death folder on my computer desktop. There. Now you know the plan.

Belatedly, in that I have already mentally and wordily COMMITTED to this post, I see that Swistle wrote about this very topic years ago (much more concisely, and less morbidly). That makes me feel better (although accidentally derivative), that other people have similar concerns. 

Okay. If I were to take the big sleep tomorrow (again: no PLANS to do so), what would you want to know to feel satisfied and like you had Closure?

Read Full Post »