Great, now I have early-2000s Britney Spears stuck in my head.
I need a word for something. Well, for someone, really.
The word is for someone who is more than an acquaintance – someone you see fairly regularly, like a coworker or a Sunday school classmate or a person you volunteer with or a brother-in-law.
But they are not a friend, because, well. They just aren’t. Maybe your personalities clash, or you have wildly different feelings about politics/vaccines/childrearing. Or maybe you have tried to be friends, but have learned that this person doesn’t share your morals or any of your interests.
And yet you are constantly thrown into situations with this person, because of work/family/church/volunteering/school. Whatever. So you must interact with and be civil to this person. Or, at the very least, tolerate them.
And it’s not like they are AWFUL, or anything. They have good points, along with the ones that make your eyes get very wide. They’re witty, or charming, or generous, or good at connecting you with others, or skilled at what they do.
They aren’t an acquaintance. They aren’t a friend. They aren’t an enemy. (And, for purposes of this post, let’s say that works like “coworker” or “sibling-in-law” or “classmate” do not apply.)
What is the word for this person?
The word I’ve used most frequently for this type of person in my life is “frenemy.” But that doesn’t feel quite adequate. It implies more of an edge, I think. I want a more neutral term. Like “acquaintance” but with more intimacy.
Do you have a person like this in your life?
It seems as though I am doing NaBloPoMo this month, which is 30 blog posts in 30 days. (Will I make it??? Only time will tell.) Details at San’s blog here.
life of a doctor's wife 
Yes I have these people in my life and frenemy isn’t the right word. A frenemy is someone that you actively like and hate at the same time – both the words friend and enemy apply. The nothingburger person who’s just there doesn’t meet either criteria.
As usual I don’t have the answer but you’ve given me something to ponder for the day!
I often call them friendly acquaintances, but also think of them as “friend light” because, not really a friend but I don’t dislike that person.
I just saw a person I hadn’t seen in probably six months; we used to be fairly good friends but after seeing this person I realized why we weren’t anymore. You know those people who kind of deplete you? That. But at the same time, I wouldn’t say she WASN’T my friend.
Ok, I think of frenemy like someone who is sometimes your bestie but also sometimes you hate them. My kids have frenemies for sure. I have this person in my life, and I only call her not nice names, so I am mining these comments for a good reframe 🙂
I second friendly acquaintance. That’s how I think of a lot of people in my life, including most of my Facebook friends.
I know exactly what you mean, but I don’t have a better word either. I generally say: that person that I know. 😳😜
I have this person! He’s on the board of the community center with me and he’s actually quite nice if you’re having a conversation with him, but as soon as we start talking about anything having to do with the center, he’s just…an obnoxious know-it-all? I don’t want to hang out with him and he’s actually made people resign from the board because he’s such a terror. Also, our ED has made it clear that she probably would have stayed on for another year or two if not for him. *sigh* He’s also dedicated, knowledgeable, and has deep pockets. (I also feel this way about a cousin of mine and it’s certainly ME that’s the problem in that relationship because everyone else in the family ADORES her.)
I just discussed this with my husband and he says “acquaintance” covers this type of relationship. There are norms in the language that keep us from flat-out saying we don’t like someone and the studied neutrality of the word acquaintance probably indicates that the relationship is, at the very least, problematic. I do not know if I entirely agree with this point, but I do think if you use the word acquaintance instead of a descriptor of your relationship (co-worker, fellow volunteer, my child’s friend’s father, fellow book club member, etc.), it IS a deliberate choice that reveals something.
VERY interesting question.
It seems to me that Jane Austen would have had a term for this, but it doesn’t come to mind. Could you avoid the noun and say, “She’s in my circle?”
Ah. I have one of these! She’s the mother of one of my daughter’s friends (well, actually the funny thing is my daughter and this girl are more like “frenemies,” but that’s a whole other story.) I don’t dislike this woman, but I also don’t like her enough to truly become friends. But we see each other all the time and our daughters both play flute so we’re involved in a lot of the same events…. “acquaintance” doesn’t work in this case, because it seems like we know each other too well. I’ll be interested to see if anyone comes up with the perfect word!
In Romanian we have a word that’s between acquaintance and friend, probably 60% toward friend. It translates to the English “pal,” even though the latter is much more versatile.
Oooh! What is the word?
Amic, from French “ami” 🙂
Love it! Thanks!
🙂
“They have good points, along with the ones that make your eyes get very wide” – hahaha…
Well, I think we all have these people in our lives and I agree that there should be a word. The German language usually has a good word for everything, but the longer I lived here, the more I felt that the German language is lacking words too (e.g. there is no good translation for pet peeve in German. Can you imagine?)
Anyway, I digress. I think “acquaintance covers this relationship, although I understand the nuance that you know/interact with this person more than with any old acquaintance… the German translation for acquaintance is “someone you know” and I think that is quite fitting.
Now that IS a good question. To the best of my knowledge, there really isn’t a word for that specific person in your life. And yes, we all have at least one of those types of people in our lives.
Hmmm. This post has made me think…a lot. Because I have a range of people that fall into this category and there is a sliding scale of how much they veer toward friend vs. “enemy.” I think I relate most with what Nicole said about someone depleting me. I can think of someone specifically who is very pleasant and energetic, but we’re just so different that our time spent together always, always feels like work/a drain. It feels like we’re oil and water; she wants to make it work and to be friends, but I want to be an acquaintance. And then there are other people where they don’t deplete me as much, but we’re unlikely to ever be very close because of differences in opinion or personality.
I TEND to lump everyone under the “friend” category for lack of a better word. But I was nodding along the whole time I was reading your post because SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT A WORD FOR THIS PERSON because, as Gigi points out, we probably all have this type of person in our lives.
This is a really interesting question. I think I would generally just refer to them by reference to how we know each other.
Hmmm…acquaintance plus the context that you are describing them in would perhaps be enough to paint a picture? Or maybe “familiar acquaintance”? Or even just, “a person I know”?
I recently had to describe someone without belying how little I liked them but still trying to communicate that I wouldn’t exactly hate working with them and I ended up saying that I had a “neutral professional relationship” with them and hope that it got my point across.
Yes, they are neighbors. 🤣 All kidding aside, I think that most neighbors are like this, unless you are quite close with them.
People who fit into this category may also be friends of friends. I don’t become friends with a friend of a friend because I have long-standing issues with betrayal and loyalty. I hope this makes sense.
It would be nice if there were a word to describe this person/relationship — because yeah, we all have at least one person in our life who’s like this. Maybe there isn’t a word because then it might hurt that person’s feelings when described as someone’s “that person”? I usually just say something like “a coworker”, “someone I worked with on such and such”, or “my son’s friend’s mom”.
I refer to people like these as casual acquaintances. I like them, we do things occasionally, but you know you’ll never be friends. And that’s okay.
I know this person you describe and feel like I encounter them more in this post-trump/post-Covid world where people share things on social media. I cannot unsee those things so my view of some people is forever changed. I don’t have a word but it feels like they are a ‘fake friend’. Like you are cordial to each other and can interact and it appears you are friends but given the choice you probably wouldn’t interact with them.
I like Nicole’s ‘friend lite’. I’m trying to think if I have any of these, and I must but none are springing to mind. I guess maybe the vice principal at one of my schools from the past few years (she’s no longer there this year) – she seemed perfectly lovely and was always nice to me, and yet something about her did the opposite of clicking with me. For much of my life I would find it really upsetting if someone didn’t seem to like me, until it occurred to me that I never stopped to wonder if I liked THEM, and that not everyone is going to like you and that is fine.
This is an interesting discussion! I don’t know if I have any of these people in my life, unless they’re specifically a coworker or family member. Maybe it’s more common with parents who have to befriend other parents…? I’m not sure! But I don’t really have a word for it either. There should be one!
I think I, too, default to “someone I know”, trying to keep it neutral. Of course, one’s tone and facial expression can make that… less than neutral. If I don’t do that, I refer to them as being a coworker, or friend of my brother’s, or whatever other “category” they fit into, if that makes sense? I definitely don’t go with friend. And yes, I think you need to invent a word for this. Have at it! 😉
I have no idea how you would call people like that but it would be nice to have a term. I do have a client I really enjoy talking to and have a good connection and then I think last year she said something that totally left me speechless. I just didn’t see her having that opinion. It is been in my head for weeks and I didn’t know what to do with that information. But she was and still is my client so I have to be civil. It is a strange situation though. I think I can relate.