I am having an attack of insecurity. There are (currently) four things I can blame, I think: 1. My husband is on call, and when he is on call we spend less time together and I feel ignored and needy. 2. My primary client, for the first time ever, returned a project to me and asked me to redo it. Not minor edits, but a complete redo because I had so completely missed the mark. 3. I have been ordering cute bikinis from amazon because the summery weather (which has since retreated) has me dreaming of time by the pool, and NOT A ONE has looked remotely reasonable on me and only emphasizes the weird shape of my hips and thighs. 4. My poor kid is homesick for our old house and cannot fall asleep (it is currently 1:11 in the morning egads) and I cannot help her feel better (which I know isn’t always the goal! she should feel her feelings!) or help her fall asleep.
To sum up: I am unlovable, my work performance sucks, I look terrible in a bathing suit and probably in all clothing, and I am a terrible mother.
Should I perhaps be focusing on the fact that my husband is lovely and warm and attentive 6/7 of the time, and that he is not ignoring me but is instead focusing all his energy on the very difficult work of keeping dangerously sick people alive? Should I perhaps be remembering that this client mostly asks for very small edits, if any, and also it seems statistically improbable that I would write exactly what they want every single time and also one miss does not negate all the hits, nor does it preclude me from writing well in the future? Should I perhaps stop pressing my finger into the tender bruise of body imperfection when I have a perfectly good, rear-end covering skirted suit already? Should I perhaps recall the many, many nights when I was a child that I cried myself to sleep over something or other and the many, many nights as a child and an adult when I couldn’t sleep and how none of those nights had anything to do with my parents or their parenting ability?
Should does not equal AM DOING, let me tell you that.
Insecurity can REALLY spiral if I let it get going, so I have been reading articles titled “Top Ten Things Therapists Recommend You Do When You’re Feeling Insecure!” and “How to Conquer Feelings of Insecurity.” The thing is that I know how to stop feeling insecure. I mean, I am aware of the techniques. But most of them are long-term kinds of things (replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk; focus on your strengths; talk to a therapist) and I am working on those things, but I want a quick fix. Is there a quick fix for feeling insecure?
What I really want is to say something negative about myself and have someone refute it with convincing evidence backed by reliable sources. My husband is not good at providing reassurance of this type; he is impatient with insecurity and seems to operate under the belief that there is no need to tell a person something that they should already know about themselves. (I also worry that, if I am too insecure around him, he will stop wanting to be married to me how’s THAT for insecurity catastrophizing, hmmm?????)
Reassurance is best sought from friends, I find. But it’s too late to call or text any of my analog-world friends, so I am writing to you. This makes it sound like I am demanding compliments, which I am not because that would be embarrassing and stupid. (Also, you aren’t married to me, you don’t know my work writing and you don’t know what I look like in a bikini, so, lovely and brilliant as you are, you cannot possibly make an honest evaluation of any of those things.) What I’m hoping for, I guess, is commiseration and solidarity. I would also accept The Key to Real Confidence, if you have it.
Do you ever feel insecure? If so, what do you do when you feel that way? My negative self-talk is so loud right now, even my strategies for combatting it (talking out loud to myself; pretending my concerns belong to my best friend and saying to myself what I would say to her; referring to myself as honey and acknowledging that my feelings are valid) are inaudible over the din.
Gah. Being a person is so stupid and exhausting sometimes.
Well, I suppose the next best thing to writing a blog post about it is going to sleep. Sleep helps most things.
chill up!
Oh, Suzanne, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. Sending all the big hugs your way. This kind of spiral sucks, frankly.
Now, I am not married to you, but I do love you! And having a husband who is on call is HARD. So it’s natural that you would feel off on those weeks.
Bikinis are tricky and nothing is so distressing as putting on an ill-fitting bathing suit and looking at oneself in the mirror. I think we’ve all been there. The only thing worse is doing it in store, in public, under those weird fluorescent lights.
You are an excellent mother. Kids get sad, and then they work through it. This one is hard but Carla is a delightful child and you are a good and loving mother.
I haven’t read your work writing but I have read your writing writing, and you are talented and smart.
I know you weren’t asking for compliments but YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, I’LL COMPLIMENT YOU IF I WANT TO.
I have no solutions to the insecurity spiral. Knowing what one has to do and actually having that happen are two different things. Maybe you just need to feel it and then move through it? I mean, it sucks, and I don’t know, but maybe?
xoxoxoxoxo
That is a lot to deal with when your spouse is less available. It’s always hard when you know your kid is sad. You just want to take it away and unexpected negative feedback on your writing is tough, too– I’ve been there. But the suit thing seems the easiest since you already have one you like. I’d just stop looking for another one.
Hope things are looking up soon!
Your body is there to carry you through the world, so you can enjoy swimming and feel the sun on your skin. It is doing its job. It is going to look different in a bikini than it did twenty years ago; twenty years from now, it will look different again. Looking the same as it did when you were in your twenties is not its job. Right now, you are as young as you are ever going to be. I suggest cultivating gratitude for having a healthy body which serves you so well in all the times of your life. And I recommend an underrated film: Emma Thompson in _Good Luck to You, Leo Grande_. Whatever you might think about sex work, the scene at the end where Emma Thompson stands naked before the mirror is amazing. In so far as you can tolerate it (maybe a little at a time!), I suggest that practice.
And everything else on the list will change too: your husband will not be on call forever, the work will get done to the client’s satisfaction, Carla will get over her fears, and probably on to some other ones! Everything changes; it’s just the way it is.
I actually do have the Key to Real Confidence: Get older. The bad part is that you can’t do it right now, but the good part is that you will be there someday! I was listening to a podcast about womens’ health and menopause, and one of the good things about it is studies have been done that show post-menopausal women are more confident and care less what other people think. While I was listening I was practically shouting “YES! That’s true!!!” So, that time of your life is coming. I suppose that’s not really comforting right now though. Hopefully just writing everything out was therapeutic? Also, things always seem worse in the middle of the night. And, just know that we’ve all been there. We’ve all had work disappointments, marriage woes, etc. It’s hard, especially the parenting questions (I hope she’s feeling better today!). Oh and I do have advice contrary to Kay’s- do NOT spend too much time looking in the mirror! I rarely look in a full length mirror, because I’m post-menopausal which means I don’t have to care what anyone thinks anymore, ha ha.
Seriously… I hope you’re feeling better today. : )
The insecurity spiral is not a fun time. I hope you were able to get some sleep and get a fresh perspective on things. I don’t know you that well yet, but all I can say is this: You’re doing great! And all the insecurity diffusion techniques you wrote about here are so helpful. I love how you said, “Being a person is so stupid and exhausting sometimes.” That made me laugh because it’s so true – and it’s a phrase that could probably bring me right out of an insecurity spiral! I hope you’re feeling better today!
This is really tough as people can tell you all kinds of things, but if you are stuck in your head …well, it really won’t make much difference. I am one of this post-menopausal women who wishes I’d spent less time worrying about what I didn’t like about my body and more time appreciating its strength and what it allowed me to do. I know you are a good writer as I have been reading your blog possibly since you started it. If you weren’t a good writer I wouldn’t still be here! Parenting kids issues is so hard. Looking back at the crap we went through as a kid and realizing that it’s so normal and we just can’t fix everything for them and it will be ok because you are a good caring mother. If I had one suggestion it would be to look for some affirmations to do with Carla. If you say them aloud with her it just may help both of you. Hugs
Sorry that you’re feeling this way! The long term work is necessary, of course. But! Distraction has its place for interrupting a spiral. Physical activity is my go to help me feel better. A long walk, especially in nature, helps to reset my frame of mind. Also, helping others (volunteering, acts of kindness, etc) is a good balm for The Feelings!
It’s a combination of events that does us in. I sometimes seek out stories of those going through hard times to give myself perspective. The old “count your blessings” trick.
I hope that writing this post was therapeutic and that things are looking better in the light of day.
I had a bout of feeling like a waste of skin and space last week, just down down down on myself and my worth and value in the world. It was the middle of the day, home alone. I considered taking the rest of the day off and going to bed, but didn’t want to break my streak on pushups, so started doing those, then lunges. While doing lunges, I noticed how disgusting and dirty our blinds were, so I cleaned them. Then I washed the windows. Then I cleaned up the leaves from the damn eucalyptus tree behind our house, then cleaned up our front yard. Thankfully it was a very slow day at work, I didn’t even take any official time off, I just did it all. Know what? At the end I didn’t feel GREAT, but I felt a LOT better.
Hang in there. Your record for surviving nights like this is 100% success.
I like “your record for surviving this is 100% success”
Will be using that, thanks!
Thanks Kay, I think I got it from a meme, but it spoke to me!
After I left this comment, I thought of you cleaning windows and window blinds at 1am. Probably not the best idea since you don’t live alone! 🙂
My husband once caught me cleaning the fridge at 2am when I was nesting while pregnant with our oldest. Can attest the spouse in this scenario will 1,000% think you’ve gone insane.
I hope the sleep helped and you are feeling better today.
You are an excellent person.
You are a brilliant writer and I’m sure that one miss was more of just one of those things instead of you actually doing something wrong.
I’ve seen pictures of you and I suspect you look great in a bikini. Maybe those bikinis were not the right ones but that is their fault, not yours.
Kids have out of proportion feelings (that are real!) and they don’t have fully formed brains and sometimes those things converge and there’s nothing you can do about it other than to be there.
Oh, my dear friend! I have been there (and figure I will be there again soon) and it sucks.
We are never kind to ourselves in the middle of the night. We try to remind ourselves to be kind during the day (doesn’t always work); but the middle of the night is the worst for these kinds of thoughts.
Tell yourself, from me, that none of those things are true. That you are beautiful, talented and a wonderful wife, mother, friend and person.
Sending all the hugs. xo
I hope you got some quality sleep and already feel better, friend. My thing is anxiety rather than insecurity… but it sounds like you have excellent suggestions (your own and everyone else’s) to work with. And LOLed at “I know you weren’t asking for compliments but YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, I’LL COMPLIMENT YOU IF I WANT TO.” I hope you could too!!
That quote was from Nicole’s comment!
My therapist gave me an assignment that cured this for me, and I’m not really still sure how, but I’ll share it.
Each night she had me write down 3 things about myself that were good or I enjoyed. One sentence each. And they couldn’t be about things I did for other people.
All had to start with “I am a person who…”
Examples. I am a person who smiles at butterflies. I am a person who loves cold drizzley weather. I am a person who could survive for days on end on the soup I made.
Over the course of a very short month or so of doing it daily it rewired my brain. I no longer swing from “the best! To the worst!” In how I see myself based on other people’s responses to me, or need praise and attention to feel good about myself.
It was damn near life changing. I added in one sentence of something from that day I’m grateful for and that took it up a notch too.
And so now when I wake up in the middle of the night with existential dread and self loathing… I know it’s just a chemical drop in my brain of both blood sugar and serotonin- and so instead of suffering with it I get up, drink some juice, tell my brain it’ll feel better soon, and know it’s lying to me about how I should feel about myself and am able to calm down.
I also had to stop drinking wine. Wine made all those issues worse. A beer and liquor did not have the same effect but damn will wine make my brain spiral…
Ug I know I am late to the party, so hopefully by now you are feeling better! I think that insecurity is normal. I remember someone once telling me how confident he thought I was and I had to tell him that I am not. I have doubts about myself and my work and my capabilities but I obviously must fake it better than I thought I did. However, this still doesn’t stop the feelings.
I don’t know your work ethic or your parenting style firsthand, but I know what I read here and I see a capable, smart, well written person! I hope your day is going better and that you have a great Easter weekend!
I’m two days late, but I hope you’re feeling better today. I’m sorry you had a rough night. I have been there. I believe everyone has. I have a journal in which I can rip out the pages, tear them up, and burn them when I am finished. It is therapeutic. 🤣
I am in no position to offer advice, only to tell you that your thoughts are lying to you. You are an amazing mother, wife, writer, human, and friend. Sending you a hug.
I hate it when I feel this kind of way, and the only thing that helps me is HUGE DISTRACTION. Like, I KNOW it would be better to Work on the Source of the Feelings and My Reactions To Them or whatever, and I WILL do that, long-term as you mention—but sometimes what I need to do in the midst of a Feelings Crisis is DIVERT myself, as one might divert a toddler having a meltdown. One does not REASON WITH the melting-down toddler; one DIVERTS, and reasons LATER when things are CALMER. So for me (not for toddler!): horror/thriller/suspense novel; working on an upcoming birthday (choosing gifts! finding The Right Recipe for the cake!); some other shopping project (finding the right postcards for Postcards to Voters; finding a new pair of Christmas earrings; finding seasonal ornaments for my lighted birch trees; researching the right kind of milkweed seeds for our area to save the monarchs); getting caught up on emails I owe to distant friends; watching a riveting movie or TV series (depending on how long a diversion I need); writing a baby-name post; sometimes a decluttering project but in some moods that can be THE WORST so tread carefully.
Also, I am certain–CERTAIN–that you are SMOKIN in your bikinis. Your husband knows it, we all know it, you think we can’t know it but WE DO.
UGH. I know all of these thoughts well. I’m so sorry! Good reframe with the parenting and sleepless nights– I need to let myself off the hook this same way.
Aw man I commented and then shut my laptop, and then found the page was frozen so I think my ramblings got lost. The point that I wanted to make about your client is that if writing was so easy…they would just do it themselves. It’s a really special thing to be able to make money from your words. Granted, it’s a very hard thing as well, which is why it’s so special and rare.
I’m so late to this post – *shaking fists at Feedly* – but oh I feel this. All of it. I am really struggling with my body lately and emotions and all of it.
I hope you’re feeling better my friend.
I feel like I have nothing substantial to add to all the wise words above. This community is just the best, right? So ditto everything above and then some. I love the self-affirmation exercise. I need to start doing this.
I am someone who…LOVES SUZANNE ❤
I am so sorry that you have a bought of anxiety/insecurity. I feel like swimsuit shopping does that for most women sadly. I loathe it and am glad I have found a style of suits from athleta that work – a tank top and kind of board short bottoms. It’s not sexy but it’s not a swimsuit with a built in skirt so it could be worse? 😉
my husband is similar to yours. He isn’t one to shower me with compliments and if I am doubting myself he isn’t one to kind of pepper me with self-esteem raising comment? He doesn’t contribute to it, he just kind of can’t fathom not having self esteem/self assurance and feels like I need to find it in myself? I have made great strides, thanks to therapy. But I still have my moments.
you are a wonderful mom, an amazing writer and you are the glue that holds your family’s life together! But it’s hard to see that when you are feeling beat up and down on yourself. Sending you hugs!!
[…] get out of a funk. Thanks to the reliability of Feedly (*insert dripping sarcasm here*) I only read this post by Suzanne today and I felt seen – not because our challenges are the same but because sometimes I get […]
Being insecure is such a waste of energy and waste of time. And yet here we are being it. doing it. I feel you. Been having those thoughts too.
Since this post has been written a couple of days ago I can only hope it was a blip in the matrix and all is back and fine again.
Sometimes writing out the feelings is doing wonders. Hope that magic has been working or you.
I usually am wallowing in self pity and going to bed hoping to wake up the next morning just slightly remembering the funk.
As for the work issue. I have always wondered if I should make a folder and save all the nice, encouraging words and positive feedback I receive so in case of work related insecurities I can just read through them and having all the voices telling me I am not as bad as I am telling myself right that seconds.
Thank you for sharing this and being completely vulnerable and human! I am going to give the same response my sister gave to me today when I was sharing some with her – you are human ❤ That may only help with the having your work returned one, but that is the one that resonates with me the most because I get my work returned to me often by my husband and it stings and this was a good reminder that we can never 100% know what someone else has it mind. It won’t be a redo next time ❤
I think a lot of insecurity stems from looking outward and thinking others are doing things so much better than us. I am a wholly insecure person, although I do think I have gotten better about it as I have aged. Talk therapy also helps, so I hope you are still doing therapy and can discuss all of this with your therapist!
For the body image issue, I have quit bikinis and now I just wear one-piece swimsuits. There are so many cute options nowadays and I’ve found some of my favorites on Amazon. I feel so much more confident in a one piece than I ever have in a bikini, but that’s just me.
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written here, though, and I’m currently in the brain spiral of, “OMG, things are going so well. TOO WELL? Am I about to get some horrible news?” So we’re all struggling in our own ways.
Suzanne, I realize that I am terribly late to your post and hopefully by now the awful feelings of insecurity have passed but I still wanted to chime in and – like others – tell you, you’re not alone.
I think everyone has these moments, or at least, anyone who is female (although some of us more than others) and I’d also gladly accept the Key of Real Confidence, if it was available. I’d be willing to share and take turns, if there’s a shortage. But wouldn’t it be nice to occasionally feel fully confident in our lives? Just for a minute? Sigh.
I am sorry. I am also a work in progress in this regard, so at least know: we’re in this together.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this! Our negative self talk can totally be the most self deprecating when we are insecure! Let me ask you, what are 5 things you’ve accomplished before that were HARD, but you not only made it through, but did really well on?