“You look tired.” That has to be one of the most irritating sentences ever uttered, no? I mean, it’s not HELPFUL. And if you ARE tired, which you probably are, it just makes you ALSO feel like you look like a used dishrag, which is not the look anyone is trying to achieve.
A family member used to say that to me almost every time we got together, to the point that there became a need for A Conversation. Fortunately, the commentary has since stopped.
It’s a good thing we are not planning to see this family member anytime soon, because the commentary would be ACCURATE. These days, I feel like I just look SO TIRED. This is probably because I AM tired, even though there is no real reason for being so tired. I lead a low-stress life; I typically go to bed at a reasonable time and rise for the day at a reasonable time; I should be perky and well-rested.
The thing is, I am NOT. This is in large part because I am a terrible sleeper, and I am trying to work on that. I read a really fascinating article recently, about why so many of us are waking up at 3:00 am every night. You do this too, right? I do. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I can be pretty sure it will be at 3:00 or 4:30. Sometimes both. The aforementioned article has some insights and potential fixes that I plan to implement, but right now I’m more concerned with the aesthetic impact.
I have always sported dark undereye circles; that’s just how my face is designed. (This is why the Tula Rose Glow cooling balm is one of my longtime favorite cosmetics.) But lately, I feel like the tired look has become exponentially worse.
For one thing, my eyes are super puffy for the first few hours of the day – like my eyelids have decided to provide their own cozy comforters for the night and are declining to put them away once I wake up. Plus, the crows feet at the sides of my eyes are SO aggressive these days. I keep thinking that they are sleep wrinkles, from pressing my face into one position on the pillow for too long. But… I am beginning to realize they may just be WRINKLE wrinkles.
Also, I have developed wrinkles across the bridge of my nose, that extend over onto my upper eyelids, like my body is etching its own goggles onto my skin.
Listen, I want very much to be able to wholeheartedly embrace Nicole’s pro-aging philosophy. And in general, I do. But when it comes to whatever is going on with my eye area? I am a fan of NONE of it. Not one thing.
We live in 2024. There MUST be products that can address these problems and, if not improve them, at least make me feel like I’m Taking Action. (I do wear sunscreen on my face, and I have been moisturizing with Bag Balm, per recommendations from, I think, Birchie and Elisabeth, so I am taking some preventative action already.)
I recently read about these silicone anti-wrinkle patches and they are at a price point that makes me feel pretty strongly about giving them a try. They have options to address forehead wrinkles and mouth wrinkles and undereye wrinkles and hand wrinkles and more, but nothing for the crows feet area.
From a brief foray into wrinkly eye area remedies, it really sounds like retinol is the best option… but I’ve had Issues with retinol in the past, so I’m reluctant to give it a try.
I would give some eye masks a go, though. These undereye gel patches get good reviews and have peptides which are supposed to help moisturize and smooth fine lines. Maybe a cooling eye mask would be good, too, especially because I am more self-conscious about my upper-eye puffiness.
Beyond those things, it looks like the only options are more invasive, like lasers or Botox or fillers. And maybe I need to explore those ideas… but the thought of doing so makes me even more tired.
What are you doing to keep yourself from looking like you haven’t slept in ten years? Tell me all your secrets – even those that involve retinol or Botox.
I am definitely going to do Botox BUT I think it needs to be REALLY EXPENSIVE otherwise you get that face that women of a certain price point just get, you know? I want to look like ME but refreshed. Specifically, refreshed without the weird line between my eyes. Maybe. I don’t know, There’s a point where your shiny bloated face and forehead just makes your neck look terrible, you know???? Also retinol is awesome.
I also think (and I know this is unpopular) that you really get what you pay for in terms of beauty products. I splurge **shrug** I know lots of people will say this cheap one is great or that cheap fix is awesome, but that has not been my experience.
WATER.
Laniege lip mask.
Loved the sleep tips in that article— I think the early am walk is the one that works best for me, and it makes sense- same thing we say about babies when have their nights and days mixed up.
Let’s start with etiquette. I’ve been told that I look tired many times…I have NEVER EVER NEVER told anyone else that they look tired. Like WTF? I guess it’s a reminder that if you want to comment on someone’s appearance and the words are not “you look great” then not saying it is the right thing to do.
I’m really skeptical about retinol. Yes “everyone” says it’s the thing but I’ve had terrible experiences with it and it’s the last thing that I would ever want to put near my eyes. The other products you’re looking at? Why not? IMO the ice roller does “something” as well, so note to me to use it this morning after I wash my face.
Don’t laugh but my eye appearance bothered me…wait for it… “when I was your age”…Nicole and I are the same vintage and I believe we’re in the same camp of doing the best with what we have and not stressing over it.
“You look tired” is the worst comment EVER. It sounds like concern but really it is not. Or maybe it is, I shouldn’t judge before I’ve had my whole cup of coffee. I do wake up at 4 but that’s when I get up for the day – my sleep schedule is kind of shifted so typically if I wake up in the middle of the night it’s at 1. With a hot flash. The worst thing is that I actually feel fairly rested these days – Christmas aside – but I, um don’t look rested? Which is why I watched an IG video about a cosmetic for “older women” and now my IG is FLOODED with sponsored posts. Ah well, perhaps I’ll try one of the items, how bad can it be. I like the Neutrogena undereye cream at night – it’s a retinol that I do think works, but I also think it would not be appropriate for you, given your checkered retinol past. I use the Ordinary caffeine serum and I do think that gives me a little boost. HOWEVER, I am very tempted by my IG ads – THIS IS HOW THEY GET YOU, I AM BUYING INTO THE MACHINE. I will report back!
“You look tired” is right up there with “You have your hands full” when I would be out with lots of little kids. Um yeah, wanna help? Otherwise stay in your lane and stop pointing out the obvious.
I would love to try botox (and my sister is a dermatologist) but I’m too scared about having a bad reaction of getting face paralysis. I think the age we are (though I may be a wee bit older than you) is a weird in-between of feeling young but starting to look old. Once we cross into the more advanced age, I think I will be fine with looking older, but at 44 I am trying to hang onto youth.
Ug, I wish there was a magic cure, but I think besides Botox, which I will most likely not get, water, fresh air, exercise, and friends who don’t tell you that you look tired are the answer.
There’s an employee at Disney Springs at the Star Wars store (Alex and Ryan go into the Star Wars store a lot) and every time I see him, I say “hey, there’s the guy who told me I look tired.”
What are you doing to keep yourself from looking like you haven’t slept in ten years? Dare I say I’m doing nothing. I look tired most of the time, too. I don’t think I’d go the Botox route, but a product with retinol in I’d try. Maybe.
Yes to waking up at like 3:00 or 4:30. So frustrating.
I was looking through a lot of People magazines while sick, and I found it comforting to see that even actors with absolutely buckets of money, and specialists of all sorts, and excellent make-up and lighting—they, too, show signs of age. The wrinkles at the eye corners, the crepeing of the neck; money can’t make it not happen.
Less comforting is a friend of my mom’s who has gotten a fair number of minor treatments done, of the sort I had been thinking I could get if things got to the point where I was too unhappy with how I looked. And—they didn’t make her look better. If anything, worse, like when you see younger celebrities who got their lips puffed up, and the thought is “Oh, honey.” I had been using those treatments as a Coping Thought: “Well, I can always ______.” And now I no longer have that Coping Thought.
I wonder if we should take the Vaseline and smear it on the mirror as well as on our faces. That might do the trick.
(Most) Men aren’t spending ridiculous money on face spackle and don’t really care to. There aren’t marketing campaigns to make men feel bad about how they look so they feel the need to buy such products. So there’s there’s that.
I think some complexions are more susceptible to under-eye circles? I seem to have that complexion. I use an under eye brightener from Ilia but I don’t know that it makes a HUGE difference. I am firmly against botox for myself. It’s totally a you do you. In a group of 4 college friends I see regularly, ALL of them have used botox. I’m just not interested in it. I think I look fine for an almost 43you women with young kids that may wake me during the night (it’s kind of 50/50 lately – we are in a weird stretch).
I am sure my skin care regime could be improved but I don’t know if I care enough to do all this special stuff? My grandma is almost 101 and she looks amazing and she didn’t get botox and she didn’t use retinol or anything. She probably used ponds face cream. She was also of an era where sun protection was keen – I know she did NOT like it when I got super tan in the summer (and often I was super tan because I was mowing our 3 acre lawn plus my grandparents… but ok, I also laid on the dock and put that oily coconut crap on my skin… but mostly I was tan because I was outside mowing). So I kind of think – do I really need to research all the face creams and retinols, etc etc. I am going to a boogie derm today for laser hair removal along my bikini line (finally taking the plunge and doing this…) and I can see them trying to suggest some other “improvements” that can be made.
The only answer to any “you look tired” comments is a totally unsmiling face as you say “thank you.” Then just let it sit there. If they feel awkward and uncomfortable, well, they should. Why say that to anyone?? What does it achieve??
Add me to the list of folks that wake up at 3 am – and thank you for the article, it was very interesting!
I’m older than you but have been battling the same dark circle/baggy eyes issues for many years. I’ve done research on using makeup to minimize it, etc. since cosmetic procedures are not in my budget. Unfortunately, it sounds like this is just how the skin around the eyes reacts to aging. I hate it though because it just makes me look SO much older. I don’t mind wrinkles, but the baggy eyes make me nuts.
One thing that helped me is elevating my head when I sleep. I stack pillows, enough so that my neck isn’t bothered but I have a bit of elevation so that any water I retain isn’t so inclined to pool under my eyes.
I’ve never found a product that actually works for this area. But I *am* fascinated by the videos on Instagram of people using some kind of cream that they dry with a fan, that instantly pulls the undereye skin taut. Maybe one day I’ll pony up the bucks for it and see if it really works. 🙂
Oh interesting! I am definitely going to read that article. It happens to me at 2:00 am, but I go to bed early, so maybe my 2:00 is other people’s 3:00.
I hope you sleep better soon and that the products help!
I intend to do nothing except continue to drink lots and lots of water. At my age (67) there aren’t really any beauty “fixes” that I want to invest my time or money in.
ice your eyes in the morning. take a frozen bag of peas, wrap in a dishtowel, and ice your eyes for 5 minutes. oh, and give up alcohol and drink LOTS of water!
Adding that Tula Rose cooling balm to cart…
I wish I knew. All I can offer is solidarity. I consider myself a rather pretty person, but I am SO self conscious about my eyes. I have the EXACT SAME ISSUES as you do, especially the extreme puffiness upon waking. I’ve always had hooded eyes and at this point (I’m younger gen X, for reference) I think I just need to own it. I refuse to do injectables; I just don’t want that in my body.
I can tell by looking in the mirror when I’ve had SUCH little sleep. I wonder if the world sees that too. My eyes look ‘funny.’ When I’ve had a good night’s sleep, my face looks totally different. I do an Oil of Olay moisturizer in the morning, but otherwise I do nothing. I don’t think I look crazy old and when I look tired, I’m usually really tired, and the only thing I can do about it is hope that I get better sleep . . . soon.
I think you look tired is a horrible to say to someone unless they are under the age of 4. I interact with a lot of folks in that age bracket, so I label them as tired looking from time to time. I’m glad no one has ever told me that I look tired. If they did, I’d probably tell them why I look tired and then they’d probably wish they’d never said a thing because I have non-sleep stories that are rather unpleasant.
I also have always had dark under eye circles. My mom told me that in 3rd grade my teacher reached out to her to see if I was getting enough sleep because I had circles under my eyes. Yep, just circles… lol. Lucky me. I basically am NEVER without some concealer under my eyes. Also, while I do not have actual crow’s feet or the eyebrow wrinkles you are referencing, my under eye skin (like directly below my eyes) wrinkles SO BAD when I smile. No smile- fine. Smile- wrinkle town. I hate it. I have not yet found any under eye cream that does a thing for it. And it’s weird, because like I said, when I’m neutral faced, they really aren’t there. I did a lot of tanning/ beach vacations as a teen and young 20 something and I’m pretty sure I ruined my skin then. Sigh. I DO feel like maybe I got on the retinol train just in time though- I’ve been using Tretinoin for several years now. I know you haven’t had luck with it. I will say that it was a rough adjustment for me too- peeling, redness, increased breakouts, etc for a good couple months. I read a lot about it and watched You Tube videos and learned this is pretty common. You can minimze the reactions by introducing it realllll slowly, and in a low concentration. But, now after all that, my skin now tolerates it perfectly fine and I have ZERO reaction to it anymore. I use full strength every night and no problems. I am not sure that super thin skin under the eye is ideal for retinol use, but I would think the thicker crow’s feet area would be. Also, I know Botox is supposed to be amazing for Crow’s feet. I have never had Botox anywhere (and unfortunately I don’t think the under eye area is suitable for Botox). But I know some people swear by it, and also I think it would be find for your eyebrow area and/or forehead for sure too.
Oh, one other thing- when I wake up early, I like to mist this Oil of Olay Vitamin C mist on my face. I will not claim that it “actually” does anything, but it’s cheap and lasts a long time and I just find it very invigorating! It makes me “feel” awake and refreshed, even though it’s probably just orange scented water. LOL. It’s just a nice little morning treat. https://www.walmart.com/ip/Olay-Energizing-Face-Mist-with-Vitamin-C-and-Bergamot-3-3-fl-oz/685693957
Telling someone they look tired is awful! The things people say just blows my mind sometimes! My trick for covering forehead wrinkles is bangs! Ha! Ha! It really does work though! Sometimes I trim my bangs too short and I’m shocked by all the wrinkles I see! All the other wrinkles though…I just let them be.
I’m with ccrinma–when someone tells you that, make them feel your stony irritation. Perhaps say in return, “Oh, thank you. And you look…constipated.” After all, it’s just as complimentary and helpful.
I don’t have the same wrinkly or puffy areas you do; I think genetics have an enormous amount to do with all that. I will say that I hydrate incessantly, in part due to a migraine medication that makes this necessary. And I never did wear a ton of makeup besides a basic foundation and a light blush. But my father had rather olive, swarthy and oily skin, and I take after him. And my mother, at age 93, still has beautiful skin. Genetics!
I swear by Oil of Olay moisturizers in the little jars–red, yellow, and blue. And cold water to wash my face.
Do people actually stop and think before they let words fly out of their mouths? Of course not, otherwise they’d realize that isn’t exactly what someone wants to hear.
I don’t have circles under my eyes but I have suitcases. Nothing seems to help. I think the eye and lip areas are pretty much unfixable (without a procedure of some sort). So I hide my suitcases behind my glasses and just try to smile widely in an effort to “hide” my lip area wrinkles. Does it work? Who knows; but I tell myself it does.
I don’t mind wrinkles, I actually want them- thanks in large part to this John Williamson song that played in my house incessantly when I was growing up- my dad loved that CD. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GPyZrtdfZS as long as my wrinkles are from smiling I’m okay- so crows feet are A-OK in my book.
It’s the puffiness that sucks- and I find doing a lymphatic face massage helps to a RIDICULOUS degree on this front- I do it when putting face moisturizer on first thing in the morning. As does using a satin pillowcase that I change twice a week- doing that has cut down on my breakouts too!
I’m older than you…the picture by my comments is from when I started my blog in 2005, at my 40th birthday. I have a lot of sun damage from tanning in the 80s, I’m sorry to say. I’m not really interested in any procedures, though my friend had very good results with both Botox and dermaplaning. I just spend too much money on products and try to sleep enough, and drink more water. I will say that I’m doing dry January, and my skin feels a little better already. I tried those silicone pads for my chest area, and the skin FELT better, but I didn’t really notice it looking any different.
I do have one friend that gets Botox that isn’t super-expensive and it looks good – not extreme, not fake, just disappears the line between her eyes. I do use an inexpensive retinol cream from Amazon a friend suggested – no idea if it has any effect. And a few years ago I started using Rodan and Fields eye cream because Eve’s friends grandmother (by marriage) sells and uses it and has gorgeous skin. Again, can’t really tell if I’d look even worse without it.
I seem to be in the vast minority in that I don’t think that someone telling you you look tired is automatically bad, but I don’t think anyone’s actually said it to me – is it something that people typically say that makes it sound like they actually want to say you look bad? I can imagine if it’s sake in a fake, overly-sweet way it must feel insulting rather than sympathetic.
I think we all need to stop commenting on appearance for things people can’t change. Period. If you say to me “your hair looks nice today,” I don’t take it as a compliment. I worry about what my hair looked like LAST TIME we met. It’s FINE to say that my shoes are rad or my dress is amazing because those are things I’m in control of, but HOW DARE YOU SAY ANYTHING about my wrinkles, hair, undereye circles, or weight. HOW DARE YOU?!
I’ve taken to grudgingly accepting compliments in the manner in which they were intended. But if someone says something about my weight or wrinkles or my GREY HAIR, I call them out. “Did you hear yourself? How embarrassing.” Ugh. I KNOW it’s grey, yo.
So. Yeah. Hey, Suzanne, I like your shoes.
I don’t have any suggestions but am here to commiserate with that unhelpful comment about looking tired, weird wakeups, and skin problems. I get little sleep and find my zit breakouts are brutal lately.
I’ve heard about putting spoons you’ve previously stored in the freezer on your eyes, but IDK if that works. I’m a sucker for anything “rose” so am looking at that Tula balm RN.
Yes, “You look tired” is a HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE comment. I’ve gotten it and it does not feel good.
For the eyes… I have no good advice, but I have been reading over the comments here. I’ve realized that it’s my eyes lately that make me look old. They’re wrinkly and is it even possible that they’ve gotten smaller over the years??? Or maybe my nose is getting bigger… I don’t know. I definitely need eye help.
That article is really interesting; I have had sleep problems for years. First because of having so many kids and then menopause really destroyed my sleep. I have a lot of relaxation strategies + supplements I use that help a little but know I often look tired. As well, I have always had dark under eye circles/shadows due to allergies. Nothing I have found helps with them! Saying “you look tired” is so unhelpful – why not just ask how things are going. Also at the ripe old age of 68 I have wrinkles. It doesn’t help that I was a marathon runner for decades so that’s a lot of sun exposure! I just try to embrace the pro-aging belief and am happy that I am still more active than many 20 years olds. I do use high quality skin care; I believe that reducing toxins is one of the most important things we can do – but that’s just me!
I believe the biggest pharma blockbuster ever would be a pill you could take between the hours of midnight and 4 am to go back to sleep without making you unfit to drive a vehicle by 7am.
This would save more marriages than Viagra! The GDP would go up! Why is big pharma not working on this import breakthrough? Probably because insomnia impacts women at twice the rate of men.
Ooh, that article was super interesting. I was actually just talking about this topic with my psychiatrist this morning. We’re forever trying to hack my sleep, haha. She said that our body’s temperature starts to rise between 2am-4am (which I think has something to do with rising cortisol, like is mentioned in the article) and that’s why we tend to wake up. My problem is that I wake up around that time and start panicking that something terrible has happened and my body KNOWS and that’s why it woke me up. UGH.
I would like to get Botox, but I just don’t think I want to pay the price for it. So I’ll just keep slathering on sunscreen and retinol and hoping it works.
I hate it when people tell others they look tired. It’s very rude, isn’t it?
I do love that we are all waking up at the same time in the middle of the night.
By the way, you always recommend the best products. I always love the items you share. 💕
Oh I feel you with the tired look and the tired feeling even though life is relaxed. So mean.
I can tell you one thing. I will never get BOTOX. Had it done once for migraine prevention and it was the most painful thing I ever had to endure. I am beyond understanding how anyone would want to undergo that procedure willingly.
Anyway that said drinking water is supposed to help. And I think I will start doing some face yoga in order to keep the in shape.
Now excuse me I need to read that article why I wake up at 3am.
I so appreciate all the comments about how mean it is to comment that someone looks tired. How does that EVER help me? The stony silence is a great response. I have not tried but kind of want to try “What is your intention with that comment? Because now I feel bad.”
A few years ago, I was told You Look Tired THREE times in one week. I no longer speak to those people. 🤣
It’s the worst thing to say.
Suzanne, I think you need to address the sleep part, and other things will settle down.
I’ve started taking CBD gummies that include a small amount of melatonin and THC. (Such a tiny bit) and it really helps me. I occasionally wake up, but I can get right back to sleep. It’s been a game changer for me and I wish I’d had them ten years ago.
Water, sunblock, washing my face, and moisturizer are the things I have been attempting.
It is not going super well, to the point that I am debating some of the things that Haldi suggested to me. But then I read reviews of the products they suggested and some people SWEAR by something and other say it destroyed their skin and I wave my hands and give up. Which is ironic, since I decided to see what Haldi suggested because I wanted someone to confidently say HERE, TRY THIS. And they did and now I am waffling over the suggestions a full month later.
Oh, I hate the “you look tired” comment… it feels like concern, but hits like a gut punch. Why would you even say that? If someone looks tired, they probably know it and they are. No need to rub it in. Why not say something nice about their smile? 🙂
I go back and forth about skin care and anti-aging. I have some wrinkles/forehead lines which I do think are at least partially hereditary, so I don’t know how much creams can change that, but of course I try to do the usual… cleanse, moisturize, use sunscreen, drink water.
If they don’t have anything nice to say… sigh. Apparently, not everyone learned that very basic kindergarten-level lesson. 😛
I’m just going to float something I haven’t seen here: Have you had your eyes checked recently? Do you wear glasses and/or contacts? The reason I ask is that your eye puffiness could be due to dry eyes (perhaps due to straining to see your laptop, etc.). And, your wrinkles could be due to squinting. So, just a thought, since they seem to be creeping across your nose and all around your eyes. Might be worth a check.