The Pre-K year, for us, has been The Year of Play Dates. We maybe do one or two a month, but that’s a 53,008% increase over previous years, so I’ve been devoting a LOT of energy to them.
Does everyone find playdates unbearably awkward? Well, I do. My personality – introvert, people-pleaser, awkward in general – is just not suited for focused encounters with other parents and children I may or may not know.
This is not to say I don’t want to do playdates with my child! I do! I want her to have friends. I want her to build the kind of social skills that playdates seem suited for. I want to get along with other parents. Hell, I want to make new friends.
Some of the issue, maybe, is that playdates are relatively new to me. For the first three years of Carla’s life, my husband and I both worked full time outside of the home. So playdates on weekdays were a no-go. And because we spent so much time away from Carla during the week, we typically spent weekends together, just the three of us. If we had anything resembling a playdate, it was a get together with our friends and their similarly-aged children.
But this year, we’ve had many. And by “we,” I mean me and Carla because my husband obviously still works full time outside the home. I cannot tell you how anxious these stupid playdates make me. Well, I’m going to try, I guess, considering I’m writing a post about the topic. Let’s see if I can break down the awkwardness into a few categories.
Initiating a Playdate
I don’t really know how to go about arranging a playdate. I mean, it seems pretty obvious, right? But I am shy and I am deeply afraid that the other parent won’t want to hang out a) with me or b) with my kid. There’s been a little bit of the old, “Oh, we should do a playdate!” kind of thing that never results in anything. And that kind of thing totally feeds my own self-consciousness/despair. When, in fact, the other parent could be feeling just as awkward/nervous as I am and/or could just be BUSY with LIFE as people tend to be. Also, the phone works two ways, Me.
Previous to this year – last year, Carla and I went on a whopping three playdates, two with the same friend – the other parent and I would suggest the playdate. But now, Carla and her friends have figured things out. And they seem to be scheduling playdates at school, without their chauffeurs in attendance to record the details. Once, Carla’s friend’s mom came up to me and said, “Carla said she wanted to do a playdate with my child. Let’s get together!” and then, miracle of miracles, we actually did end up getting the kids together. That’s my ideal, right there. A sort of mutual mention that results in an actual playdate.
But that ideal was a one-time thing. Usually, Carla comes home ALL THE TIME saying she wants to have a playdate with so-and-so and I get overwhelmed. Do I pick up the phone and call them up? What about the moms who have additional small children – will they even be interested in getting/able to get together? And what if I’ve never said more than hello to the parent at drop off? Some of the other parents seem to get their kids together all the time, but it also seems like those parents are friends. Would they welcome a suggested playdate from me and my child? Would they recoil in disgust? WHO’S TO KNOW?
The Playdate Location
This fills me with dread, too. First of all, who suggests where the playdate should take place? It’s the playdate initiator, right? That makes sense to me but… it hasn’t always worked out that way. Anyway, when I suggest a place for the playdate, I am always at a loss. I have gradually come to be okay with having Carla’s friends over to our house (listen, I’m an introvert and having people in my space is always nerve wracking), but… is that too forward? Is it too boring? Should I be presenting an option that’s super stimulating, like a trampoline park or a museum? And, if I DO suggest something like the latter, who pays? Am I supposed to pay for everyone because I suggested it? I am HAPPY to do that, but I don’t know what the protocol is! Summers are easier, at least, because you can just go to a nice, free, stimulating playground. But it is NOT summer and summer feels a million years away and I need to know what to do now.
I do love having playdates at other people’s homes, though. I love to see other people’s houses, and how they decorate, and the level of neatness they have (it is SO refreshing to see some clutter). But then there’s the awkwardness/stress of my child not eating anything they offer, or possibly breaking something, or bothering the dog, or whatever. And I always feel super self-conscious: how should I sit, what should I wear, do I trail after my kid or sit here like I expect to be entertained. Blah blah blah.
What to Do on the Playdate
So far, my playdate experience has been that the kids run off and play, and the other parent and I stay pretty much in one location and chat, intervening with the kids in case of an argument/injury/extended silence. Is that the expectation, universally? I mean, it is pretty ideal for friendship building. But what if you aren’t interested in/meant to be friends? Carla has a friend who is darling and wonderful and whose parent is someone I think is lovely and very nice, but we just aren’t clicking the way friends do, you know? It’s all small talk, and I find it exhausting. The PARENT is wonderful and does a marvelous job of keeping the conversation going, but I find it so terribly draining to be “on” with a person that I don’t feel 100% comfortable around. (This is the introvert thing again, I fear. If you are an extrovert, you may be furrowing your brow right now, trying to understand why ninety minutes of chatting leaves me feeling like I’ve just completed a biathlon.) I suppose I could just tell the other parent they could leave their kid with me but… that fills me with new layers of terror. And do I need to feed people? So far, when we’ve had playdates at my house, I’ve tried to have some kid-friendly snacks on hand and then I’ve offered the other parent coffee or tea. But is food expected? I certainly don’t expect it, when we go to other people’s homes. But that’s because Carla and I are both super picky, so eating at other people’s homes is additionally fraught with anxiety.
What If the Playdate Goes Sour?
And then there’s the other worry, that the kids won’t get along, or that something bad will happen. My daughter’s teacher gave me a Hot Playdate Tip, which I now pass along to you: groups of three are a bad idea. If you have three kids (at least, Pre-K-age kids), one of them will inevitably end up feeling left out. Okay, so as long as I’m the playdate initiator, that’s easy enough to control for (and egads I have enough trouble working up the nerve for a one-on-one playdate, let alone a playdate involving more kids!). But what if your kids start fighting? Or are bored? Or want to do completely separate things? How do you salvage a) the playdate and b) the potential for future playdates? Do you just throw in the towel? Write it off as normal kid behavior? WHAT DO YOU DO?
How Do You Get the Playdate to End?
You know how most birthday parties are about two hours? I tend to go by the Birthday Party Rule for playdate length, too. Carla has a playdate threshold of about ninety minutes. Sometimes she’s good for two hours. Other times, she’s done after an hour. And I can tell she’s done because she starts wanting to be alone and there is an increased level of pouting/irritability. Fine; she knows her boundaries, and so do I. But how do you communicate that to another parent, whose children may have no limit to how long they can be together? I have usually just said from the beginning, “Carla’s good for an hour or two but not much longer than that.” And when I am in control of the planning, I try to say things like, “We’ll meet you at this indoor park for an hour and a half and then we’ll split for lunch.” Or whatever. But sometimes the other parent wants to extend it! Or they’ll invite us for an open-ended playdate! Ack! We had one of those open-ended jobbers at our house recently, and I was able to close it out with my need to prepare dinner. But it can be tricky! Especially if the kids are getting along really well (as was the case at my house recently). (Although, believe me, “getting along really well” can transform into “the world is ending tears” in a matter of moments.) And, okay, sometimes it’s really just ME who needs the playdate to end. I guess this is a lesson for me to always have something to do immediately after the playdate, whether it’s going to the grocery store or making dinner or whatever.
How Often Do You Do Playdates?
I really think two playdates a month is my limit. But I think other parents and their kids are getting together once or twice A WEEK.
Okay, I am back after taking some deep, restorative breaths; the thought of two playdates a week made me a little dizzy. I think that’s my answer right there: two playdates a month. Sorry, Carla.
I do wish I could put less pressure on the whole situation. It’s a playdate, for goodness sakes. The way, for me, to make playdates the most palatable and least stressful is to have them out in the world. My preference is for going to parks in the summer (although, as I noted above: NOT CURRENTLY SUMMER DAMMIT). That way, you can be outside in the fresh air. No one has to cook (although I do bring enough snacks for everyone). No one has to clean. You can take breaks from chatting to push your kid on the swing or the merry go round or the teeter-totter. It’s free. The kids get worn out pretty quickly, so it’s easy to not spend seven hours together. If I could do a playground playdate every time, AND if I could get over my crippling dread of initiating the damn things, they might not be so bad.
I am holding out hope that the awkwardness will fade with time. Either that or Carla will develop a deep and lasting friendship with a mom who turns out to be my Friend Soulmate.
I have really been hoping someone would leave some sage advice here, because I am just about to struggle with this same issue. My daughter is about to turn two, and is NEVER around kids her age. Or, kids in general, really. Her cousins are older and either live more than an hour away, or out of state. I work outside of the home full-time, and my mom and MIL take care of her during the week, so they’re not scheduling playdates often. So, I feel like it’s really important for her to start playing with kids her age. To top it all off, I’m considered “advanced maternal age” anyway, but it’s painfully evident here in Utah, where people regularly begin having kids at 19. Most of my friends who live here have older kids, including kids over 18, OMG. So, at 40, I’m going to attempt to bond with 20-something year old SAHMs – many of whom are Mormon, which can create yet another barrier. HALP.
I HATE playdates. I hate them I hate them I HATE them. I hate them for all the reasons you mention. In my experience, they don’t get any easier until the kids are old enough to make all their own plans and then drive themselves to meet each other. For all the years before that time, I wish for a Playdate App that would solve all these issues.
It’s been a while for me – my kids are at the glorious, glorious age of making their own social schedules and I normally have a basement full of young teen boys eating all my food, playing video games, and shooting themselves with nerf guns. I love it! But I’m remembering back to the old days when we did have playdates.
Here’s my suggestion: unparented playdates. I can’t remember how old Carla is – 3 or 4, I guess? – but this is a good time to introduce them. This makes things so much easier. Say, “Carla and Laura get along so well in class! Would you like to drop her off at my place for a playdate? You can drop her at 1:00 and maybe swing by to get her around 2:30-3:00?” This means you have the control. You have a determined amount of time, and then the kids are at your place. This is great for a couple of reasons: Carla and Laura will play independently for probably close to an hour. This is building very valuable social skills, in terms of sharing her things, finding things for the two of them to do together independently. Then you can serve a snack, maybe have them colour or do a craft or something simple, and then voila, mom comes and picks up Laura. Everyone wins.
Of course, the kids will inevitably disagree over something, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s a good skill for them to be able to work things out, although you’ll probably have to help them (oh, you both want to be Elsa? I have an idea! Why don’t you be Elsa and you be Snow White and then go on an adventure together!). Definitely only ONE KID AT A TIME. Not a group of three, for sure.
I actually found it easier to have kids over because they would entertain each other, which is not to say it was always easy. I had a few crazy ones, I remember one mom dropping her twins off for FIVE HOURS and another little girl being the absolute worst (she went into my room and took all this stuff out of my jewelry box and said she wanted to keep it). But you get through it and vow to never have that particular one again.
That’s my two cents, hope it helps! It gets easier as they get older, that’s for sure. But usually the kids can play fairly easily together and if bumps come up, then bring out stickers or colouring or something. Or a good snack!
This is super helpful — I just need to get over my Pervasive Fear of being responsible for not-my-kid and/or leaving my child at not-my-house!
Oh, I remember these so well. I had several where I had to make hours worth of polite conversation with moms I just didn’t ‘click’ with. UGH. I feel for you – wish I had advice. My go-to was snacks if the kids got bored. Goldfish, fruit and juice. It does finally end, and the moms will drop their kid off, come back at the agreed-on time, and all is well. Now mine have graduated to sleepovers, and that’s awesome, but I’m constantly surprised that my 10-y-o girl STILL kinda needs me to help entertain her and her guest (making slime, making them food, etc.) For the love, kids: GO PLAY and leave Mama to her BOOK.