I was lucky enough to have a couple of drinks last night with two people I love and respect.
These are people who have achieved amazing things in their careers. People I feel like I can learn from every day. People I adore.
Somehow, the conversation got around to past experiences.
Turns out, both of my friends have done and experienced some horrible things in their pasts.
Does this change the way I feel about them? No. I know them NOW. I am not going to judge them for the people they used to be. In fact, I’m proud of them for conquering whatever demons they encountered.
But they started giving me a hard time for not having had those kinds of experiences.
I was missing out, they said. They’d had to overcome things that I hadn’t. They implied that they have a better grasp on the human condition than I do, simply because I’ve never been subject to poverty/substance abuse/what have you.
On the one hand, I kind of get what they mean. I understand that having to stand up in the face of hardship… to struggle against it… to be beaten down… to bring yourself up by your bootstraps… Well, that creates a kind of strength that I do not know.
But on the other hand, I was offended.
Yes, I have been fortunate in my life. I was born to a good family, a family who had enough money, who taught me about morals and work ethic and making good decisions. I have not had to encounter job loss or poverty or abuse of any kind. For these things I am grateful every day.
But I also made good choices. I decided to take paths that led to higher ground. I turned away from drugs and abusive relationships and immoral people.
While I am a firm believer that we are the sum of all our experiences, good and bad… And that bad choices, negative experiences, tragedy can all make us stronger, better people…
Well, I don’t believe that I am LACKING because I “missed out” on those things.
Should I regret NOT HAVING regrets?
That seems ridiculous.
No way! I’ve actually had a similar conversation with my best friend from high school. I stand firm that I am (and you should be) proud of my decisions in my past that have gotten me to where I am today. Just because you don’t have regrets from your past, doesn’t mean that you haven’t learned from the things you’ve done (at least that’s my experience)!
As someone who has also experienced some of the things your friends have, like substance abuse and abusive relationships (despite being brought up by a good family with plenty of money and basically everything I wanted – what can I say, I sought out adversity), I can say you’re not missing much. While I sometimes think I needed those experiences to ensure I didn’t turn out a spoiled, selfish, sheltered brat, I certainly don’t think that everyone does. I think sometimes those of us who have gone thru things like that tend to want to rationalize them and turn them into positives… so take what they told you with a grain of salt 🙂 Be proud that you did the right thing!
I think that is ridiculous. Of course you admire people who learn from their mistakes. But I have just as much admiration from people who learn from OTHERS mistakes.
I don’t think you should have any regrets…regardless of how you grew up or what experiences you had/didn’t have. I think that is the beauty of friendship.
I don’t know about you, but I have a pretty diverse group of friends. Each one of them has had different life experiences and for that I am grateful. We as individuals are not going to have the same experiences – all good or bad. I found through the years that although I may not have the same experiences or past as my friends, it doesn’t make me less of a human (or “better” if I’ve had better experiences). I think by sharing and learning about each others pasts I have in a way “experienced” what they went through. Sure, I don’t know exactly how it felt, or what it was like but I like to think I’m a pretty understanding person and I’m capable of walking in your shoes to an extent.
So no. You shouldn’t have any regrets. I think learning about their pasts allowed you to experience something you didn’t actually experience in real life and allowed you to learn more about them. I don’t think it should make you feel bad at all!
Does this make any sense? haha I’ve reread it a few times and what I’m thinking in my head just isn’t typing itself out. (I need some of your mad writing skills, please)
People who make stupid decisions when they’re young aren’t better than people who don’t. Additionally, and unfortunately, most people will probably have the opportunity to overcome adversity at some point in their lives, whether they make bad decisions or whether certain circumstances just cause bad things to happen. But you certainly shouldn’t seek out bad things!
I don’t think you should have any regrets. I grew up in some not-so-great circumstances and yes it made me stronger, but I don’t think that means that I’m any stronger than you or someone else. ALL of our circumstances and life experiences SUM to make us who we are today – not one single experience. So, who cares if you haven’t been in circumstance A or B… you’ve been through other circumstances such as making a marriage work while your other half is working crazy hours and you hardly get to see him at “normal” times. I think that makes you a strong person. Screw your friends! 🙂
No you shouldn’t regret, not having those kind of regrets! I beleive that if you were blessed and had a good life, than that’s Great! I think things that are worth regretting are things that you didn’t do like when you skip class to run off with a boy or friends just to have some fun, or the day you got busted for taking your mom’s car, or when you sneaked out the house to hit the near by club down the street, haha those are things that I would regret if I didn’t do! But since I did, I laugh, and say “Wowser, Good Times!;)
There’s no way that you should have regrets that your life didn’t end up as difficult as others, you should only be grateful. I’ve had some hardships that some would call pretty intense, but by other standards are molehills. What’s important is that we, collectively, realize that people who have experienced more difficulties than we have did not necessarily end up there due to poor choices, and that it wasn’t only because we (again, collectively) made better choices. Some situations make the wrong choice seem more attractive than it is, and it’s tough to say what you would have done if you haven’t been there.
I try to remind myself daily how lucky I was to be born into a comfortable middle class situation with parents who loved me and protected me to the best of their ability.
I think most people have faced some sort of adversity in their lives. Mine was/is my mom’s debilitating MS (and also my parents’ divorce, but that’s too commonplace to make me special). I do think I have a more mature perspective of the world having had to face some big challenges and questions the vast majority of people my age haven’t had to face because of my mom’s failing health (how will I be able to support my mom in a nursing home when I am 26 being one of them?). I think I have a very firm grasp that IT (whatever “it” might be: loss, cancer, etc.) COULD HAPPEN TO ME, and that helps me live my life as best I can(as opposed to most people my age who (broadly speaking) feel somewhat invincible until something does happen to them.
BUT, to say that having made BAD DECISIONS makes you a better person? I don’t think so. It means they are a better person than THEY USED to be, but it doesn’t mean they are a better person than YOU or ANYONE ELSE.
When people try to make you feel like you’ve “missed out” because you had an easy life what they are really doing is alerting you to their insecurity surrounding the topic.
In you not having a similar story they might deep down feel judged, or ashamed, or jealous of your easy situation, and instead of admitting that, they try to pin it on you as your fault.
There is no shame in an easy life.
What they meant to say was, “I wish I had what you had.”
It just came out wrong.
That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! I’ve done enough stupid stuff in my life that I’ve had to learn from and pay for and I would NEVER wish those mistakes on anyone.
“Gee, you really missed out by not marrying a couple of assholes when you were younger and being divorced! Think of all the experiences you missed!”
So no. I don’t need anyone else’s mistakes, I’ve got my own! I don’t need to deal with drugs or addictions, I can see without trying them that they are a bad deal!
So ya, don’t regret that ever.
Oh, that’s just crazy! Just because you didn’t have *their* experiences, doesn’t mean your experiences aren’t just as important or integral in making you who you are, someone who your friends clearly like and want to be around.
I do think a lot strength is born of pain, but pain is pain is pain.
Also, like Janssen said, learning from others is just as admirable (and just as real!). I watched a friend go through a horrible divorce 5 or so years ago and I’d still rate that as one of the worst things *I’ve* gone through, and also one of the experiences I learned the most from and it wasn’t technically “my” experience.
In my high school creative writing class, we had to follow the “write what you know” mantra and so everything written in class was nonfiction. My friend and I were always like, “I wish I had been kidnapped and lived to tell the tale!” or “DANG, why didn’t we grow in Communist China??” These were stupid things to wish and, unfortunately, both of ended up facing plenty of crappy situations down the line that had nothing to do with being victims of crime or chanting Communist slogans in a school playground. Like a lot of commenters have already said, we all end up facing adversity at some point in our lives, even those of us who grew up in stable households with supportive parents. It’s absolutely true that you do not have the same perspective as your friends who who endured abuse or who struggled with substance abuse*, but that’s not to say you have never dealt with difficult situations of your own. We’re all different. That’s just the way the world works.
(*not saying that’s what happened with your pals, just using that as an example.)
Me too. I never did anything wrong and I think it makes me MORE awesome.
Yes, adversity builds character. But that doesn’t mean you are lacking. BUT you are saying bad things didn’t happen because you took the high road. Are you saying that bad things happen to people because of the choices they made? not circumstances? For example we have had to deal with job loss because the government lost Q’s visa paperwork and he couldn’t work. It was TERRIBLE, but it wasn’t because I “chose” a lower path…? I’m sorry your friends said that you were “missing out.” I honestly pray that only the BEST happen to people…unless they cut me off and make me late…then I prefer to believe in karma!
I absolutely don’t think that bad things ONLY happen to people who make poor choices. In the situation I described above, the “adversity” my friends experienced was due to the choices they made.
Oh my. Well…. that sure is a way to make you feel small. As someone who has had to overcome some really tough stuff, all I can say is that I’ve been in your friends’ shoes. Sometimes, when your life has been hard you resent people who have had it “easy” (even though you should NEVER assume someone has had it easy-you never, ever know their struggles) because it seems unfair that you’ve had to deal with all of this heartache in your life. So, we think “Well, at I’M building character and I’M going to have this wonderful, mature, and unique outlook on life because of my painful experiences.” And that’s kind of true. Facing true heartache and loss does do something to change a person. But here’s the thing– EVERYONE has heartache and loss. Yours may not be as “bad” as mine, but it’s still yours. It has still shaped who you are. And for you, your heartaches are the worst you’ve ever experienced. You’re blessed that you feel like your life has been fortunate.
And you have made awesome decisions that have allowed you to create a wonderful life for yourself. Be proud! Have no regrets. Because I can guarantee you that if your friends were given the opportunity to not have to experience the hard stuff in their lives, they would jump at that chance. Losing my brother absolutely made me a better person, but that doesn’t mean I’m proud of it or that I like it or that I look down on someone because they haven’t experienced that kind of heartache. Your friends, like every other human being, are just trying to make themselves feel better about the stuff in their lives. Don’t take it personally and be proud of your life and the woman you are. Oh wow, I have SO MUCH more to say about this, but I’ll stop eating up all of your comment space 🙂
The poster who said “most people will have adversity at some point in their life” is brilliantly mature.
Also, one woman’s adversity is another woman’s cakewalk.
What if you are hiding something like an abusive parent or something? They have no idea. Look at Liz Smart — she looks very well-adjusted for all she has been through.
Another point — people who are willing to share their adversity or lack thereof are only opening themselves up for judgement by someone. You can’t please everybody.
The best part of this post was said so simply: “But I also made good choices.” Right on. I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments.
I know exactly how you feel. It’s such a weird dichotomy (I originally had a whole lot of writing here, but then decided it was stupid and repetitive, so I’m sticking with my agreement and dichotomy statement. Feel free to thank me.)
Ugh – I hate judgers….really, really hate judgers!
I think it’s really tacky of your friends to give you a hard time for not having certain “experiences.”
Sounds to me like they are a little bitter…..don’t let them get you down 🙂
I agree with pretty much everyone else, not just because I am yet another Nice Girl With A Fairly Boring Background. I also think everyone has a Thing, and it’s not always visible or knowable or even out there yet, but everyone has a battle they’re fighting whether they chose it or not. You can become a better person from living and dealing through it, and you can make better decisions than others, but I don’t think that makes you BETTER… if that makes sense.
I think we often experience things through the lives of people around us. I think our ability to love and care for each other is deepened when others share past experiences with us, or we are there to strengthen them while they experience them.
I have a completely wonderful background also – but I have also been nearby when friends have experienced horribly wrenching trials and challenges – and, honestly, sometimes I feel like I have experienced them in a small way. I think the most important thing is that we love and care for people around us – and not judge – you know?