You are so lovely and kind and comforting and wise. I adore you, truly. Thank you.
Also, just as an FYI: posting something highly vulnerable in the middle of the night – despite receiving kind, gentle, and understanding responses – may result in searing embarrassment.
Moving on, let’s talk about playdates!!! It’s all playdates all the time over here, folks!
We had two, on consecutive days, and they are now over, and they went okay. I feel more confident about future playdates, and have also reinforced my belief that back-to-back playdates are Too Much For Me.
Like many suggested, I allowed Carla to fill the kids in on our house rules (i.e., no shoes in the house, wash your hands when you come into the house, no food outside of the kitchen). As you predicted, no one complained.
I mainly left the kids alone to do their own thing, but there were two hiccups with this plan during the first playdate.
First, I had to unexpectedly re-do a writing project, so I needed focused time to work while the kids were playing. But of all Carla’s many toys, they seized on her small collection of remote-controlled animals/robots and brought them all downstairs – presumably because they move more easily on the hard flooring instead of the carpet.
After I asked them not to spy on me with the walkie talkie robot, they abandoned this avenue of play. One of my rules is “no screens” – although there is a special dispensation for a movie once all other play options, including going outside, have been exhausted. But during the first playdate, the kids went into the basement and started playing music on the TV in the workout room. Carla does this when she “works out,” by which I mean she sets the treadmill to something like point-five miles per hour and then sings along to Dua Lipa and Ava Max while she walks. Fine, I can be flexible with this re-interpretation of the no-screens thing.
After awhile, I noticed that I couldn’t hear the music anymore so I went to check on the kids… and they were sitting in the dark on the exercise bench playing some sort of “would you rather” game on the TV. They’d found it on… YouTube? Netflix? I honestly have no idea. The questions I saw were pretty tame, but I have NO IDEA what the content of the other questions was so I put the kibosh on this activity pretty quickly.
Well. Lesson learned, and before the second playdate, I re-discussed with Carla my reasoning for not allowing screens, and talked with her YET AGAIN about why unsupervised internet surfing freaks me out, and I specified that even the downstairs TV is off limits.
So. We were all set for playdate number two, and that went very smoothly. The kids played Truth or Dare most of the time, which consisted mainly of them daring one another to run into my office and shout something nonsensical or do a little dance.
All of the other things I worried about – you are going to be SHOCKED by this, so brace yourself – turned out to be non-issues. I had Reasons for being near both of the friends’ houses, so we were able to pick up one friend and drop off the other, and one of their parents did the other half of the interaction. I loaded up on plenty of snacks, and the kids ate the snacks – except for the bananas, which I will now have to add to my already robust supply of frozen overripe bananas. I fed both kids dinner, and that worked out fine, although one of the kids didn’t want chicken nuggets so I had to pivot at the last minute. Thankfully, I had some meatballs in the freezer and she was amenable to eating those with some spaghetti noodles; my kid ate plain pasta.
Because the kids had other activities, the duration of the playdates sort of fell into place organically. They ended up being about four hours each, which worked just fine. Time will tell whether Carla gets invited to the kids’ houses for playdates – although one parent said she was welcome anytime – but after everyone’s accounts of how infrequently their own kids got invited to playdates, I am no longer focusing on that particular worry; I’m sure others will move right in to take its place.
You are so lovely and kind and comforting and wise. I adore you, truly. Thank you.
Also, just as an FYI: posting something highly vulnerable in the middle of the night – despite receiving kind, gentle, and understanding responses – may result in searing embarrassment.
Moving on, let’s talk about playdates!!! It’s all playdates all the time over here, folks!
We had two, on consecutive days, and they are now over, and they went okay. I feel more confident about future playdates, and have also reinforced my belief that back-to-back playdates are Too Much For Me.
Like many suggested, I allowed Carla to fill the kids in on our house rules (i.e., no shoes in the house, wash your hands when you come into the house, no food outside of the kitchen). As you predicted, no one complained.
I mainly left the kids alone to do their own thing, but there were two hiccups with this plan during the first playdate.
First, I had to unexpectedly re-do a writing project, so I needed focused time to work while the kids were playing. But of all Carla’s many toys, they seized on her small collection of remote-controlled animals/robots and brought them all downstairs – presumably because they move more easily on the hard flooring instead of the carpet.
After I asked them not to spy on me with the walkie talkie robot, they abandoned this avenue of play. One of my rules is “no screens” – although there is a special dispensation for a movie once all other play options, including going outside, have been exhausted. But during the first playdate, the kids went into the basement and started playing music on the TV in the workout room. Carla does this when she “works out,” by which I mean she sets the treadmill to something like point-five miles per hour and then sings along to Dua Lipa and Ava Max while she walks. Fine, I can be flexible with this re-interpretation of the no-screens thing.
After awhile, I noticed that I couldn’t hear the music anymore so I went to check on the kids… and they were sitting in the dark on the exercise bench playing some sort of “would you rather” game on the TV. They’d found it on… YouTube? Netflix? I honestly have no idea. The questions I saw were pretty tame, but I have NO IDEA what the content of the other questions was so I put the kibosh on this activity pretty quickly.
Well. Lesson learned, and before the second playdate, I re-discussed with Carla my reasoning for not allowing screens, and talked with her YET AGAIN about why unsupervised internet surfing freaks me out, and I specified that even the downstairs TV is off limits.
So. We were all set for playdate number two, and that went very smoothly. The kids played Truth or Dare most of the time, which consisted mainly of them daring one another to run into my office and shout something nonsensical or do a little dance.
Another unexpected – hmmm… “dilemma” seems too strong a word, but that’s in the neighborhood of how I’m feeling about this so we’ll stick with it – dilemma arose during the not-insignificant car rides to and from the playdates. It’s partially my fault, and I have now Set A Precedent, so it’s something to mull. I suggested that the kids take turns making song requests to liven up the car ride. They really enjoyed this, and I enjoyed hearing their adorable conversations about the artists they like. However, Carla is allowed to listen to a lot of music, even if it has questionable lyrics. I draw the line currently at hard rap and other words with frequent cursing or use of the N-word, but even Taylor Swift will throw out an F-bomb now and again. We’ve talked about cursing and how there is a time and a place, and Carla is pretty averse to it overall, so we feel that it’s okay in music. I prefer the radio edits, honestly, but I’m not precious about it. But… I don’t really know how OTHER PARENTS feel about this. For one of our playdates, I know the parents really well and I think they would be okay with it… but the other kid’s parents are not as familiar to me. She didn’t seem to request, like, exclusively Disney songs or KidzBop songs, so I am guessing her parents let her listen to a range of music, but may be a little more restrictive than my husband and I are on this topic. Anyway, there was a lot of whispering in the car over song selection, and I heard Carla say, “Oh, she won’t mind” about me, and I overheard some discussion about and then a decision not to request a song that had a curse word in the title. And there was a song Carla requested that has the F-word in it, so I very loudly and obnoxiously bleeped that out every time it came up, which the kids found both annoying and hilarious. I don’t know. Curse words exist in the world. These kids are ten and eleven and are aware of that. So I guess I don’t feel too bad about allowing a little bit of cursing in songs we listen to??? But also I feel a little unsure about the “right” stance to take, when I am charged with caring for another person’s kid. Your thoughts are welcome.
All of the other things I worried about – you are going to be SHOCKED by this, so brace yourself – turned out to be non-issues. I had Reasons for being near both of the friends’ houses, so we were able to pick up one friend and drop off the other, and one of their parents did the other half of the interaction. I loaded up on plenty of snacks, and the kids ate the snacks – except for the bananas, which I will now have to add to my already robust supply of frozen overripe bananas. I fed both kids dinner, and that worked out fine, although one of the kids didn’t want chicken nuggets so I had to pivot at the last minute. Thankfully, I had some meatballs in the freezer and she was amenable to eating those with some spaghetti noodles; my kid ate plain pasta.
Because the kids had other activities, the duration of the playdates sort of fell into place organically. They ended up being about four hours each, which worked just fine. Time will tell whether Carla gets invited to the kids’ houses for playdates – although one parent said she was welcome anytime – but after everyone’s accounts of how infrequently their own kids got invited to playdates, I am no longer focusing on that particular worry; I’m sure others will move right in to take its place.
life of a doctor's wife 