It is my fervent belief, based on very little evidence, that even the strongest marriages have points of irreconcilable division.
Perhaps you agree, based on marriages you know.
I’m not talking about political or religious divides, or disagreements on number of children, or financial philosophical misalignment.
No. I’m talking about the little things that don’t matter at all and yet make you so incandescently angry that you cannot imagine how you ever married someone so incompatible with your values.
You know, like how you hang the toilet paper.
Here are the top three things that my husband and I CANNOT AND WILL NEVER AGREE ON. (And by “cannot agree” I mean that he refuses to see any sort of reason or logic.)
1. Speeding Technicality: If you are driving in a car, and the posted speed limit is 35 miles per hour, you are speeding if you go above 35 miles per hour. That means that if you are going 36 miles per hour, you are speeding. The limit is 35. Anything above that is speeding.
I acknowledge that most police officers are not going to pull anyone over if they are going a few miles per hour above the posted limit. You could probably get away with driving at 40 mph – even 42 mph! – in a 35 mph zone and not risk being pulled over or ticketed. I acknowledge this. There is a practicality gap between what the LEGAL DEFINITION of speeding is and what an officer feels is worth her time to address.
And yet, I stand firm: 36 mph in a 35 mph zone is speeding.
2. Don and Dawn: My husband and I grew up in different states. But by and large, we have similar “accents.” And yet he maintains that “Don” and “Dawn” have different pronunciations. Anytime this subject comes up, my husband pronounces each name slowly and clearly for me so I can hear the obvious to him only difference between them. I do not hear any difference. There is no difference at all. I acknowledge that perhaps there could be a slight diphthong that I am not processing, and yet, even so, both names would be pronounced the same.
3. Steak Temperature: I like my steak on the cooked side. This is a texture issue; steak that is not cooked enough is too gooey for me to handle. I like a steak that is cooked through, with a hint of pink in the middle. A HINT. For most of my life, if I ever ordered steak at a restaurant, I ordered it well done. This has never worked out well for me, because there is a bias against people who like their steak well done. Even at very fancy steak houses, most chefs choose the worst cut of meat – like the shriveled end of a tenderloin with the only bit of gristle in the entire cow – and then cook it until it is black. This is not well done; this is a travesty against meat. Because of this, I have trained myself over the past decade or so to enjoy steak that is cooked less well: medium to medium well. It still only works out some of the time. Usually the steak is undercooked and I have to send it back – which is The Worst.
But if I am paying for a steak in a restaurant, why can I not have the steak prepared the way I want it to be prepared? I pay the same exorbitant price for a steak whether it is cooked medium rare or well-done. Why should my temperature choice result in a sub-par steak? I do understand that perhaps – PERHAPS, I say with immense skepticism, because I think if you simply used a thermometer you could avoid any issues – it is difficult for a chef to know exactly when a steak is well-done. (Although again, when my husband and I make steak in our home, we achieve the exact right temperature every time.) But temperature aside, I should not get a crummy, shriveled end piece of steak while the medium rare folk get the juicy, tender, gristle-free cuts.
My husband says it is my fault. He says I am asking for a crappy cut of meat. When I order medium-well or well-done steak, I am implying that I don’t like steak (I DO, very much, I just like it NOT SQUISHY) and so the chefs think they don’t need to give me a good piece. If you like steak well done, don’t order it, is his thought. This is a dumb take, I say. I am paying for the steak, I should be able to ask for it to be prepared the way I like it.
WITHIN REASON, of course. I am not asking a chef to change his whole recipe. And also, if you know that you are going to produce something crappy, then maybe give me a chance to change my order? I feel like the staff should say, “We don’t cook steak to that temperature. Would you prefer it medium, or would you like to order something else?” Don’t just throw an old slab of tire on a plate and charge $56 for it and call it filet mignon.
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Well. Now I am very fired up.
If you are in a relationship, what are your silly but still completely irreconcilable debates? What are the small, semi-ridiculous topics on which you refuse to give an INCH? If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked?
life of a doctor's wife 
I like steak medium-well, too. I only order a steak once a year (we go to a particular steakhouse for our anniversary). I have to say they do a good job, but I am WITH YOU on the hint of pink at the middle.
We both definitely see a speed limit as a suggestion; 10 (km, not miles) over is standard for us both on the highway. So if it says 110 km/hr, I will almost always be driving closer to 120 km/hr.
We agree on toilet paper. Thank goodness, or the divorce papers would have been drawn up years ago.
We don’t really argue about this, but he thinks ANYTHING with raw eggs is disgusting and a death trap, and I would eat raw cookie dough all the live long day.
Hmm. I’m with your husband on the pronunciations. “Don” and “Dawn” are very different. FWIW, I’m from Northwest Ohio.
When my husband and I met, he was living a solitary bachelor life and often made a meal of a can of condensed soup…straight from the can, cold. Not even diluted with a can of water. He maintained that since he was drinking a glass of water along WITH the soup, it was the same thing.
I maintain that it is disgusting to eat soup without heating it up, never mind not diluting it; you might as well be dining on a salt lick. When my husband is home, he heats up and dilutes the soup…but when he’s traveling he just eats it out of the can, with water on the side. *shudder* My oldest son is on a business trip and texted me once that he was having some Chunky Soup in his hotel room (he has a microwave and mini fridge, so he can get groceries), and..I was afraid to ask if he was heating it up. I just didn’t want to know.
Even as I acknowledge the awkward episodes in Season One, I maintain that Star Trek: The Next Generation is, in many ways, superior entertainment over the Original Series. I enjoy both, and greatly enjoy the Original Series as well, but if pressed, I will always choose Next Generation.
I agree with you on all counts. I’m not a fan of steak to start with and squishy steak is not tolerable. I’ve given up on it partly for that reason. There are plenty of other yummy things to order!
Oh my gosh these are really funny. I actually think I agree with your husband on these !!! Can you just be really charming with your steak order and say you want a hint of pink and, like, smile a lot? Ben is a no top sheet guy, and we now have separate beds– that’s how much I need a top sheet.
Around here how to load the dishwasher is an endless debate. He does it his way, the wrong way, while I do it my way, the correct way. Still the man is confused enough to think that his way is the correct way. As if
We have so many pronunciation disagreements in our house that you would think we grew up in different continents instead of both from states in the Midwest (him = Iowa, me = Michigan). Do not get me started on the correct pronunciation of the word Illinois.
We have a number of marital disagreements including what is the appropriate temperature to set the thermostat, how much leeway should the dog be given on walks (in terms of slack on the leash AND choice of walking routes), how much kibble the cat should be given, and what is the best way of packing a suitcase.
But the one that really sticks out to me is the level of imperfection we are comfortable with in paint jobs. We did not buy a house together until we had been married for several years and it was too late at that point for me to reconsider marriage because my husband thinks it’s okay if a paint job is MOSTLY GOOD. MOSTLY GOOD. This came to a head when I took a day off work to do a third and final coat on our guest room walls when my husband was at work because he did not think it was a problem that you could see spots of the old paint color. WHO DID I MARRY? I will spare you the story of painting our porch, but there was a similar disagreement. Home improvement projects and IKEA furniture are true marriage testers.
This is an amazing topic. My husband is from the south and thinks “pen” and “pin” are pronounced the same. NO!
My husband thinks the same! And hill and heel and still and steel. It’s maddening. Windmeel is not a thing!
Oh, I love this and feel so seen (and frustrated, haha!)! My guy and I have lived in our current house for 9+ years now and have a fundamental disagreement on where our large dinner plates belong. I believe they go up in a cabinet with the everyday plates and bowls but he is convinced they should go on a lazy Susan in a lower cabinet (THE HORROR) because we rarely use them. “Where are the plates?” has become the start of a spat for us. We also commit to our disagreements – different feelings about whether or not the space above the fireplace in our first house should be painted a different color than the wall resulted in the space being painted no less than 6x in 3 months as one of us would jump on it when the other left the house.
Ah the little things! Ours are different tastes in foods, different standards of cleanliness and tidiness, and the ongoing argument about kids chores. The hubs just requires any amount of effort, I have a problem with having to wait all day for a kid to empty the dishwasher or having to follow up on a half done cleaning job.
I’ll weigh in on your top 3: “speeding” is a speed that will get you pulled over or is dangerous for the road conditions, so I guess I’m closer to your husband on this one. I’m totally with you on not caring about the difference between Don and Dawn. I like my steak on the rarer side and the hubs is more of a well done guy. The point is that the reason you get a choice is because rare, medium, and well are all valid options.
haha! I think my husband speeds and he thinks that speedometers have all been calibrated to 10% too high so in a 35 he can actually go 38.5 because the speedometer over reads by 10%. I have just decided that whenever we get a ticket for speeding that money comes out of our individual hobby funds so if he wants to play with 10% that’s on him! Knock on wood neither of us have gotten a ticket (I would get one for being inattentive, he would get one for being purposely fast)
I recently went out for a steak and I couldn’t decide between the Rump and Fillet. I knew it was going to be expensive and I ended up getting the cheaper rump and then I felt a bit like I had overpaid for a no super good cut, and maybe I would have been happier paying more for a better cut? Or maybe I just don’t think steak is worth the money?
Also, your “don” and “Dawn” note has a parallel here in Wales. “Sean” and “Shawn” and “Sian” which to me all sound exactly the same but apparently they are very different. I’ve lived here 10 years and never heard a difference.
Ha ha, great topic, and I enjoyed reading the other comments. I have to agree with your husband on “Don” and “Dawn”- two different names with different pronunciations! I’m kind of with Birchwood Pie- my husband and I have all sorts of differences in different standards of cleanliness (that’s for sure) and tastes in food. Pronunciation-wise we’re not on the same page on a lot of things, because he’s from Long Island and I’m from Illinois. There’s only one word I constantly correct him on- “pajamas,” which he pronounces “pajahmas.” Are we suddenly English? Do you eat toast with “jahm?” I know I’m in the minority here and maybe this is just a midwest thing (but we’re right.)
Suzanne, this topic is genius!
I will agree with you that speeding is speeding BUT I feel strongly that five miles over does not warrant a ticket unless you are in an active school zone. Then, you shouldn’t be one tick over the speed limit and even better, if you are going under the limit.
I agree Dawn and Don are basically the same pronunciation.
Steak…well, I like mine medium rare but agree that if you are ordering a steak in a restaurant that you should not be given a lesser cut just because of your preference to cook it to death. (Kidding!)
Luckily, we are on the same page with most things in our marriage – particularly toilet paper placement. But his penchant for clutter drives me insane. Especially, leaving things out on the kitchen counter because “I’m going to use it again anyway.” (it should be noted that he is not going to IMMEDIATELY use it, it might be several days/weeks before he uses it again). And the dishwasher – after 32 years, I have determined that he is physically incapable of properly loading a dishwasher.
Like your husband, I pronounce Don and Dawn differently. I once wrote a geeky blog post about the difference: https://www.mostgladly.net/cj/2013/11/more-about-vowels.html
Don and Dawn are different! I get so annoyed with one of my son’s books that tries to rhyme “on” with “Dawn”. Dawn has the aw sound as in aw, that’s so cute. Don rhymes with “on” and has the ah sound.
And another very popular kid’s book tries to rhyme “on” with “song” and “violin” with “thing”. It drives my crazy, haha.
It must depend on the accent because according to dictionaries and the pronunciation guides I’ve googled, in standard American pronunciation, don and dawn sound the same. In Britain, they don’t. In some places in the U.S. pen and pin are both pin whereas where I live, they are different. Language is fascinating!
Our main point of contention is driving. He is impatient, whereas I believe that inconveniences are placed in our path for a reason. He’ll be the one to cut in line at the last second, while I’ll wait behind a slow car. We are completely contrary. I’m doing everything I can not to yell at him. I mean, I’ve yelled at him before, but I’ve read that I need to pick my battles, so here we are…🤣
Oh, so funny, Suzanne! This was quite a fun read!
I do like my steak medium-rare and my husband likes his medium-well. Don and Dawn sound different to me when I say them but maybe they just sound different in my ears but others can’t detect it?? I don’t know if we ever discussed what speeding means but I used to be an impatient driver and liked to go much faster than the speed limit while my husband was always a much slower driver; I’ve tended to his corner since but I still drive faster than him although I try to stay within 10% of speed limit.
I’m trying to think of irreconcilable debates but after 30+years of marriage, I think we just learned to accept and live with each other’s wrong ways and they don’t register on the radar anymore. LOL
I’m not a steak eater, but I’ve observed what you’re talking about. Most restaurants serve a sad piece of charred meat when my husband asks for well-done. Marriage is a test of one’s tolerance, indeed! It drives me nuts when my spouse says he’ll do the dishes (Most days I cook dinner and he washes up) and then they are sitting on the counter at 11pm. He does them right before bed, but I’d rather have the kitchen tidied right after a meal. Who wants to look a pile of dirty pots and pans all night?
This is very entertaining. Chen we were first married, Coach called the kitchen counter ‘the shelf’. WRONG. It is not a shelf. It’s a counter. Fast forward a few decades – he calls is counter.
He believes socks should just be tossed in someone’s drawer and not paired. WHAT NOW?
He is a kitchen germ freak. While cooking meat, he cannot use the same utensil once the meat is no longer raw. Whereas I brown meat and use the same utensil the entire time.
He practically puts on a hazmat suit if raw chicken has been anywhere near one side of the kitchen vs just dealing with the immediate plate or area of the counter that housed raw meat that was most likely in a container while thawing.
SEVERAL times over the years (much less in recent years) I feel he should have told his parents that something or other was none of their business or that they overstepped or were downright rude/mean, but he refused- saying they can think whatever they want. True, they can but we can also share boundaries.
He will sometimes tell me the dishwasher is done and for me not to touch it, but I CANNOT walk away when there is a pile of dishes in the sink and those will fit IF the dishwasher is properly loaded. I redo it, which only takes a minute- because WHY NOT FIT EVERYTHING?
Wow, what a thought provoking post. I had a lot of fun reading it, plus all of the comments and different things people experience are fascinating. I am a rule follower, so normally with most things, if the speed limit were X, I would go no higher than X, but in the case of speeding, I am with your husband. In fact, I usually give myself a buffer of about 10 miles over, or if the traffic is going in a flow, I will just go with that flow (which is often about 80 mph in a 65 in my neck of the woods). However, in school zones or residential areas, I feel like safety is important and I will go 25 (but not less probably).
I believe that if they do not want to provide you with an option regarding your steak, that should be clearly stated. For example the menu should say — rib eye: choice of rare or medium only. Then you can order or not order accordingly. I was not aware that this was a prejudice in lesser restaurants, although I think it is well known that fancy chefs are very particular about their art. I hate it when they don’t put salt on the table and the server sneers at you when you ask for some. As if the chef makes it perfectly seasoned every time and we all have the same palate.
Re Dawn and Don, I can see your husband’s point, but I think most people I know pronounce them the same. I am from CA, so maybe that makes a difference. I worked in Iowa and they pronounce Cairo, IL like Kay-Roe. I had no idea it was the same place, as I would have pronounced it like the people in Egypt do, Kai-Roe.
First, I have to say that as a word nerd, the cadence of your opening sentence was so satisfying to read. 🙂
This topic is always entertaining to me. I hear absolutely no difference between Don and Dawn (raised in Seattle, lived in Canada for a year, and have been living in Pittsburgh for the last 15 years). I would agree that, based on the letter of the law, speeding is anything above the posted limit, but “real” speeding is more than 10 or 15 mph above the limit and if traffic and road conditions allow, I’m always riding that 9 mph above the limit line (always with the exception of school zones, as previous commenters have mentioned!). I like my steak to be moo-ing but my husband likes his cooked more like you do, and I think we both deserve a delicious, quality cut of meat!
Our perennial disagreements involve putting away the Tupperware and silverware. My system involves stacking similarly shaped containers from largest to smallest, so we have a few different stacks, plus a few different stacks of lids. They nest so nicely if you put them in the RIGHT order. For a man who loves Tetris, he just doesn’t get it (or doesn’t care). I also split our forks and spoons into two stacks based on size, whereas he just plunks both sizes down willy-nilly. I get irrationally angry trying to paw one-handed through the drawer for the smaller sized forks for our kids while holding a plate in my other hand. Then again, he’s great about doing the dishes and putting them away while I fall asleep putting the kids to bed, so…
Oh this is fun! I will weigh in:
1) Speed limits are suggestions, unless I’m driving in a known speed trap area or I see a cop, lol. I am comfortable going 10 mph over the limit.
2) Don/Dawn are pronounced the same to me. My mom used to have a friend named Dawn and she would pronounce her name as “Dooooooowan” with a Midwestern accent so that’s how my mom and I say that name, but more in a joking manner.
3) I am very particular about my steak and used to be a medium-well girl, but my mom convinced me to try a medium steak because she said it’s so much more flavorful and I have to say, she was right. Sometimes it’s a little too squishy for me, but overall, it works.
I asked Beth for an example and she said we disagree about how high to pile the dishes on the drying rack before putting them away and she went on about it for a surprising amount of time and with some passion, so I guess I learned something.
Ha, I love this. I generally do not order steaks in restaurants as it’s generally not cooked to my liking (medium rare) and seems over priced? But I do not LOVE steak. If I never had steak again, that would be fine!
Something my husband and I do not agree on is personality frameworks. He thinks they are all complete BS. He’s a questioner and an enneagram 5, except of course he does not agree with those frameworks. But what we have the most debate around is the subject of moderator v abstainer. I am an abstainer and he is a total moderator. He could sit down with a 1/2 gallon of ice cream and a spoon and eat less than I would if I portioned out a bowl for myself. This fall he got into the habit of buying a gallon of ice cream. I asked him to stop doing this because I would inevitably eat it more than I should. I said that if he felt he needed to buy ice cream, he could buy ice cream with gluten in it so I wouldn’t be tempted. He found this request ridiculous because he just doesn’t believe in the abstainer/moderator framework.
“He’s a questioner and an enneagram 5, except of course he does not agree with those frameworks” – this is hilarious! Does the fact that he’s a questioner mean that he cannot accept that he’s a questioner, because he questions himself being a questioner?
He’s in the camp that there are no such things as personality frameworks – because of course he questions EVERYTHING… while not believing there is such a thing as a questioner. Lol.
Whoo-hoo, we are back in absolute sync! Anything over the speed limit IS SPEEDING. Don and Dawn SOUND THE SAME. And gooey steak is awful, and people are SO snobby about people who don’t want their steak borderline raw. I almost never order steak in restaurants because of this – my husband grills steaks different times for both of us and it works out splendidly. I find that venison or game meats are better to order out because they can be rarer and not be as bloody, or I just go with fish or chicken. But yeah, if my husband can cook a steak medium-well and have it be good, certainly a certified chef who can’t is just choosing not to.
As for stupid things we fight about: my husband often drives with his right hand on the gearshift. For some reason I find this really annoying – it feels like his hand is intruding into my space for no good reason, and it looks like he’s pretending to drive standard, which he can’t do. I sometimes jokingly knock his hand off, or I just let it go, but it bugs me.
When I poke him gently at night to stop him from snoring he always wakes up and says “Was I snoring?” No, dorkhead, I just thought of a joke I wanted to tell you at 3 a.m. When he touches my back, I wake up and move around so I stop snoring and go back to sleep (well, before the CPAP I did). This is probably unfair, maybe he just wakes up dumber, but I am confessing the dumb things, so there it is.
I know you are fired up (much like your steak) but this made me giggle.
The Speeding Issue: My husband doesn’t care to look at or follow the speed limit as those signs are just a recommendation. He goes with traffic. I can’t wait to hear him say that one day to an officer and hopefully it won’t be his daughter.
I know both Don and Dawn. They are pronounced the same.exact.way. You win.
I don’t know why there is so much discrimination towards people who like their meat cooked more. People really need to relax. I agree with YOU (again, you win) that you should get what you want (quality) and have it prepared as you k.
Now what? Is there anything else we can clear up today? 😜😳
This was so much fun to read – particularly as someone who is not currently and does not plan to ever be partnered (again). And it got me thinking about when we move in with someone (roommate/partner/spouse), we adjust our routines to “fit” the other person (and, presumably, they do the same for us, right?). I was thinking back to when I moved in with my now-ex, and trying to remember how, exactly, we came to “consensus” on things like this. The TP (well, I’d NEVER give in over that), how to fold laundry (seriously…t-shirts were a major point of different), responsibility for different aspects of our lives (cleaning, cooking, financial management, etc.). There will always be differences but the enduring arguments you list are the “little” things that just seem to persist past the time when you land on an “agreed-upon” way of doing the bigger things, if that makes sense? Things with less of an impact on daily life, perhaps, but obviously we still have opinions about them!
Don and Dawn are THE SAME WORD spelled differently. Steak is gross when it’s mushy and bloody. Whoo-hoo, we’re back in sync. One kilometer over the speed limit IS SPEEDING (I speed a lot).
Our stupid marital disagreements which, to be fair, are really my stupid marital disagreements because I married an exceedingly good-natured, easygoing man who is really nice to his cranky misanthropic wife for some reason: My husband rests his right hand on the gearshift while driving. This drives me insane, nominally because it kind of intrudes into my space and also because it looks like he’s pretending to drive standard which he cannot. I jokingly knock his hand off it half the time and half the time I try to ignore it, but I sort of seethe the whole time.
No matter how many times I tell him, he forgets when he does the laundry (hardly ever, which is actually the way I prefer it) that you can’t hang something on a hook without putting a hook mark in it unless you use a tag or a strap or something.
Okay, these are less disagreements than me being a bitch. Sigh. He gets annoyed when I point out that there was no year zero so Millennium celebrations are always kind of incorrect, which is unfair because he’s supposed to be the math geek. Also, when he doesn’t do ‘this week’ (the rest of the week we’re in) and ‘next week’ (the week after the one we’re in) – he gets it wrong, I can’t remember how, so we’re always confused telling each other when something’s happening.
Haha… this is so hilarious. Your husband seems to be a bit more aligned with your views so for us its the other way around.
There are some things that are so tiny when looking at it objectively but that just drive one crazy. I guess that is just how it is.