The biggest thing that happened over my birthday weekend (seriously, will I stop talking about my birthday EVER?) was not the amazing dinner or the cheesecake or the uninterrupted time with my husband or the crappy hotel or the even crappier hotel or the better hotel or the awesome massage or the delicious Thai food or the second volume of the Hunger Games trilogy or the box of chocolates (now gone).
Oh no.
It was the conversation my husband and I had on the way to Interview Location.
[WARNING: if you are a parent or don’t care about babies, then I suggest you look away or your eyes might roll straight out of your head.]
Anyway, as we were driving along, we had this conversation:
Me: “So, do you think it would be better to have a baby the last year of residency or the first year of fellowship?”
Husband: “The last year of residency, no question.”
Me: “… Well. That doesn’t leave us much TIME then. Should we, you know, get started?”
Now to everyone who ever decided to have a baby, this conversation is probably so mundane as to be downright soporific.
But to me… It was utter crazy town.
I mean, I never wanted a baby. Never.
And I always looked at those people who knew they wanted babies… Who went into marriage fully intending to “start a family” right away… Who consider “having a baby” to be an unquestionable part of the Grand Life Plan… as, well, some species of an adorable alien.
Because I do not possess that part of my brain. Like, at all. It is totally and incomprehensibly unfamiliar to me.
And merely saying the words to my husband – the man who knows all my secrets, all my innermost thoughts – felt so foreign and terrifying and strange that I felt both giddy and horrified. (Much like being delightfully drunk on Champagne and then barfing all over the shoes of your boss.) (I WOULD IMAGINE.)
It was the same experience I had when he proposed to me, really – the feeling that I was some actress participating in a play, reading my lines and hearing them bounce off the walls of the theatre and the faces of the audience. Knowing what I was supposed to say, but not quite believing it, somehow.
It was strange and unreal and oddly formal.
Now, before we all get ahead of ourselves here, let me tell you this: We decided – after a couple of mini panic attacks slash hysterical giggling spells from both of us – that the SECOND year of fellowship would really be even better than third year of residency. (Which, if you are not paying attention, is NEXT YEAR.) (Hence me feeling immediately all panicky and thinking, “ACK! If we want to have a baby during third year we are SCREWED.”)
And really, this is not all that different from the Original Vague Plan, which was roughly to have a baby (dear god please don’t make me say “start trying”) the last year of his fellowship. Which, if all goes as planned, would be 2015.
So really, we have moved up the Super Vague Theoretical Timeline of Baby Production by just a single year.
Not such a big deal, snore snore snore.
The thing is, over the past yearish I have gone through a complete 180 when it comes to All Things Baby. From no baby ever to maybe possibly someday to yes, this is something we should do. (A position I do not maintain 100% of the time, of course. Sometimes I think, “Babies? Me? HA!” and I scoff at the idea. Because if we had a baby, when would I sleep? Or work? Or spend time with my husband? Or watch episode upon episode of CSI?)
But I have realized several things recently.
a) I am not getting any younger. Yes, plenty of people have kids in their mid and late 30s. But there are risks involved.
b) My parents and my in-laws would make fantastic grandparents. And I want my kid to know his/her grandparents as well as (or hopefully better than) I knew my grandparents.
c) The more I get to know my husband, the more I realize he would be a wonderful father. How can I – for what I freely admit are selfish reasons – prevent someone from having such an amazing dad?
Everyone tells you that there is no perfect time. I feel like the next couple of years will DEFINITELY not be perfect. I mean, my husband will finish residency and (hopefully) go on to a fellowship program, which may mean moving away… And fellowship is three or possibly four years… And then he will have to find a Real Job at a hospital or medical group somewhere… And by the time he has steady work at an office, we are 35 and everywhere we look are risks! risks! risks! (And yes, I know that doesn’t mean the end of the world blah blah blah not interested. STILL RISKY.)
So it seems like, if I’ve resigned myself to doing this, we might as well get on it rather than delay.
I did ask my husband, “Is it okay to have a kid if you aren’t 100% sure you WANT a kid?”
And he said, “Well, ideally I think they’d happen at the same time.”
But I am just not sure my body can wait for my brain to catch up, you know? There seems to be a strong biological pull in one direction, while my brain full of Logic and Reason and Desire to Veg Out in Front of American Idol Episodes is standing firm in its own corner.
Listen, this is all really embarrassing to be writing about. And I would be avoiding it and directing your attention elsewhere if I could think of ANYTHING ELSE to discuss, which I cannot. (Yes, there are other topics, but this is what comes out when I touch my fingers to the keyboard.) (Seriously – ask my husband. This is ALL I THINK ABOUT lately.) (ARRRRRRRGH!!!)
(And it doesn’t help that half the Internet and approximately 82% of the people I know are pregnant.) (I mean, Congratulations!) (No really, my total confusion and panic has nothing to do with how truly happy I am for you.)
So let’s turn the spotlight on you.
I want to know things about you, Internet.
If you are a parent…
– How and when did you know that you wanted/needed – or did not want/need – to have kids?
– Was your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board?
– Is it true that there’s REALLY “never a perfect time” to have a kid?
– Does it really live up to the hype? I mean REALLY? Sometimes I worry that it’s all a big conspiracy… And you put so much time and money and energy into a kid that you feel obligated to say it’s so worth it when maybe it really wasn’t. You can tell me the truth. I won’t say a word.
– Is there anything you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path?
– If planning for a child in roughly 2013, bearing in mind that we all know PLANS ARE NOT CERTAINTY, what would you suggest, if anything? Or is this too personal? GAH.
If you are not a parent…
– How and when did you know that you wanted/needed – or did not want/need – to have kids?
– Is your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board?
– If you are planning on kids, when are you planning to do it?
– Did/do you ever feel like some people just KNOW they want kids… and you are somehow… lacking that part of you?
– If you are not planning on kids, what clinched that decision for you?
– Is there anything that you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path?
Oh really those are mostly the same questions.
Internet, I just really need you to talk to me. Tell me anything, really. PLEASE. Because I feel like I’ve just set foot in the Chinese embassy and I don’t speak a word of the language and I’m about to head up to the stage to give a big speech to the whole assembly.
What would you tell You, if You were in my current state of frenzied bewilderment?
(And why oh why does this seem like the Craziest Thing to Happen Ever when really it happens to millions of women every day without thought, without question, with simple thanks and acceptance and gratitude?)
And this post is disjointed and crazed and idiotic and you deserve better. I deeply apologize.
I will try to get it together by tomorrow, I swear.
I am not pregnant, or a mother, nor, I think, do you know me on the internet (because I started reading your blog, um, this morning), but I do wish to offer hugs. What I would tell me is that thinking about having a baby is not the same thing as having a baby and there’s plenty of time to get used to the idea and a lot of people really like it when they do it. In other words, everything is probably going to be just fine.
I had to delurk for this post! I love your writing and blog.
I’m in a somewhat (well, not really, I’m engaged & not marrying a doctor-thank god! contemplated med school until thought of babies during residency & memories of my mom trying to juggle med school with 2 kids dissuaded me) similar situation.
We’re thinking babies in 2-3 years ( & we’re in our late 20s) and while I love the idea of children someday, the thought of actually parenting, having a child is terrifying.
You’re asking all the questions I have. Can’t wait to see the answers!
We have similar conversations at least once a month! I love kids, I’m just not ready to give up our life together yet and I kind of have no desire to ever be pregnant. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a perfect time to get pregnant, but there are better times than ever. With residency coming up we’re fairly certain we’ll wait til the second or third year of residency (Rob’s is a 4 year + 1 year fellowship). I think at some point since we have decided we want kids we’ll just have try, and then hope that we become ready! (Or move as close as possible to my parents so they can help out!)
Just because you said it will be our secret-I believe many, many, many (most) people have kids just because society has convinced us that is what people are supposed to do when we get married. There is no way to really understand all the implications before having children. I had 2 sons and enjoyed it. I am a good Mom. 1 son (26) is doing great, and we have a wonderful relationship. The other son (28) is estranged from the family and has caused us unimaginable heartache.
If I could go back and do it over KNOWING what I know now, I could be perfectly happy without children. There are things you would give up, but there are also things you would gain. You would have the money and freedom to do what YOU want. You can be happy either way.
Sometimes I DO feel as though I want kids because society tells me that is the next step. My husband and I even talked about this a while back, that it’s just sort of assumed that the next level after marriage is kids. And while he was okay seeing it as a natural progression and in turn okay with progressing along naturally… I am a little more defiant, I guess. And I don’t WANT “societal pressure” or whatever to be a driving force behind my Major Life Decisions.
So I guess part of my struggle is determining whether I really want this… Or I feel like I SHOULD really want this. Blech.
And thank you for being so honest. I think some people might be taken aback by the idea that a parent could see an equally happy life as a non-parent… But I like that you put that out there.
I could not BELIEVE all your disclaimers about this being boring or mundane, because this is MY FAVORITE TOPIC IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, and I totally know that feeling of how MIND-BLOWING it is to be thinking, “So…I guess we should, um…actually start trying for a pregnancy?” It’s like “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Here are my thoughts, not in the same order as your questions:
1. No one ever in the history of time has been 100% on board with having a baby. Any thinking, reasonable person has SIGNIFICANT doubts—and unthinking, unreasonable people do too. Just as we have doubts about, say, choosing a college major, accepting a job offer, or even CHOOSING THE COLOR OF A SWEATER. Every decision involves doubt if it involves thought, and this is a huge decision with no return policy so it makes sense it would involve even SIGNIFICANT doubt.
2. There really genuinely never is a perfect time. However, there are definitely times to be avoided if possible. So for example, when Paul was out of work for two years and I was working full-time in an on-my-feet-all-day job with no health benefits, we didn’t think “Well, no time is PERFECT!”—even though it coincided with our plan to have another baby. But in general, I think stuff like “We should pay off our car loan first” and “Well, shouldn’t we wait until we can pay cash for a 4-bedroom house?” and “Maybe we should wait until after another decision is made” is the doubtful part of the brain playing tricks on us out of fear.
3. Some people, I’m sure, are sorry they had kids. But I find it comforting to look at all the people who deliberately had more than one. And all the people who say things like “I NEVER KNEW LOVE LIKE THIS EXISTED” or “EVERYONE WHO SAID IT WAS WONDERFUL WAS RIGHT.” (Though it’s good to take note of all the “Everyone who said I would feel like I would die from sleep deprivation was right,” too, just so it won’t be a shock.)
4. Once the decision to have children is in place (and I don’t mean “100% commitment,” I mean “Well, goodness! Looks like that’s what we’re going to end up doing!”), I think sooner is almost always better than later. It gives you more options, and more time if you think you might like a SECOND child. Might as well JUMP, is my feeling, rather than prolonging the Hand-Wringing Fretful Stage.
5. There is also COMPELLING REASON to not have children. MANY compelling reasons. In my own case, I weighed it out (who am I trying to kid? I was totally driven by baby fever) (but I still possessed use of my brain, and I knew it was baby fever so I also tried to THINK IT THROUGH) and my conclusion was that for MY personality, I’d much rather regret having children than regret NOT having them, so I was willing to take the risk—considering there was no way to know in advance how things would turn out.
I agree. My mom always said if you wait for the perfect time it’ll never come.
The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard is to never fall for blanket statements. Some people will say that there is a right time; some will say there isn’t. What you need to decide is what’s best for you. I also think you have an asset that many women do not–you’re an extremely introspective, analytical individual. While that often makes decisions more difficult, the payoff is that you usually make better choices and lead a richer (not surface level) life. Take some time to let the whole baby thing marinate. See if a friend of yours will let you babysit for the weekend. Then you’ll really know if you’re ready!
While I don’t think this is bad advice, I don’t think babysitting someone else’s kid is at all like taking care of your own kid.
Which opens up the question of leaving one’s child in daycare…….just sayin’.
This is smart, as I have never really been around babies – at least not for many years. But I do not tend to really LIKE babies or children…
I am counting heavily on all those people who say “your kid will be different” being right!
Ohhh, this post speaks to my heart. I have the internal battle of “should we or shouldn’t we” at least daily, if not several times a day. One minute I’m standing in the grocery store watching a toddler run wild or hearing a fresh new baby scream it’s ittybitty lungs out, and I think, “NEVER! NEVER!” Then I’m reading these great mommy blogs like ‘Enjoying the Small Things’ or ‘Becoming Sarah’ and they have such beautiful children and wonderful bonds with them. And I think, “I want that emotional closeness with a little being of my creation. I have a lot of good traits to pass on, and I could teach the little bugger a ton. And that feeling of having a big, happy family… I would be a good mother.” Y’know, or would I?
My husband has grown equally ambivalent. He is wonderful with children (whereas I think they are a little bit strange, I don’t understand them, and when they’re around I mostly ignore them… hell, I didn’t get kids when I WAS one, nothing has changed since) and used to *know* he wanted them. I think now he has grown accustomed to life as we know it, and he fears struggling financially (and emotionally too, probably). Also, we feel very strongly about dogs and would love to spend our lives helping homeless pit bulls and maybe even fostering. We could do that a lot more easily without children (especially since the Mean Moms would be all, “I can’t believe you let PIT BULLS around your CHILDREN” blah blah blah).
“Did/do you ever feel like some people just KNOW they want kids… and you are somehow… lacking that part of you?” – This is like the story of my life, dude. I feel like I’m missing that nurturing, I-want-to-take-care-of-you, motherhood gene. (Is there such a thing? Ask your husband and get back to me – lol.) I feel like if I got pregnant and had the child, then there would be no looking back. I would love that little shit and take awesome care of it and do what I had to do – because that’s what I’ve always done… take care of business. But that’s not my personality, to just jump in and do it and take it as it comes, especially now that I’m in a position to Plan! It! Out!
I don’t think I would be unhappy if we didn’t have children at all. I think we could find things that fulfilled us as people without having little ones of our own to nurture and feel responsible for. But I also know that we COULD conceivably “do the damn thing,” and that’s what makes the decision so dang hard. And why I want it to be my husband’s choice, therefore abdicating myself of all responsibility and being able to say, while pregnant and miserable, “YOU did this to me, it was all YOUR idea, EFF you right now!” Is that unfair, do you think? 🙂
Ugh – I could SO do without the wildly changeable feelings about this. It literally changes from hour to hour – I could be all “let’s have a baby this instant!” and then 45 minutes later think, “no way. never.”
Come on, brain! Make up your mind!
Ok, I’m de-lurking. I couldn’t help it. I had to comment. I have two children. A twelve year old daughter and a 4 year old son. Why the big wait between kids? Well, my daughter is from a previous marriage. I had her when I was 27. Now, let me say this. I have always wanted children, so I guess I fall into the adorable alien category? LOL Having said that, my pregnancy and birth was horrible. Not to mention, my daughter had colic, didn’t sleep well at all, was constantly sick, etc. etc. So, needless to say, I was very doubtful of having another child. I even said in the delivery room that she was going to be an only child. Her dad and I split when she was six weeks old, so maybe that played into some of the drama. But, some kids just aren’t good babies or good kids. Fast forward to my son. I was nearing the ripe age of 35 and I told my new husband if it was something he wanted, we needed to get going. I was either way with it. I was scared because of the first experience, but excited about another baby. We decided to go for it and my son was born. Besides being 4 weeks early and spending a few days in the NICU, he was an angel baby. Slept great, ate great, happy, awesome angel baby. And to this day, he is still a delight. Just totally different from his sister. She’s still a terror sometimes. Do I love them? Of course I do. But, I would be lying if I said I didn’t love them differently. My daughter was a challenge and always will be, but who knows, my son may turn out to be rotten on down the line. I guess what I’m trying to say, is there is never a “perfect” time, but definitely better times to bring a child into this world. There are some days I dream about not having kids and even though it is sometimes extremely hard, I’m still glad I have them. There is nothing like the love you feel for a child. Even when they are rotten. It’s a mother’s love. It never goes away. Besides, who’s going to take care of me when I’m old. LOL
Wow. So…being just a newb to the adult world, I figured that this decision/ feeling would kind of work itself out and I’d have a moment of clarity where I’d finally decide ‘YES! by GOSH I want me some babies!’ or ‘Hells, NO! I want to be the best aunt there ever was but no babies of my own’. Apparently that is not the case. Bummer. For the record, right now, I don’t ever see myself having kids. But like you, I can see myself warming up to the idea and eventually thinking ‘yeah, you know, I think I can do that’. maybe. maybe not.
– Is your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board?
Boyfriend and I are not married, but have been together for 5 years and have lived together for 1.5 years. It’s actually a minor sticking point to us getting married. Right now, I don’t want kids. He does. Though he has not really thought the logistics of it through past ‘well, I just assumed I would always have kids’ I’ve thought so much more about it and am mainly concerned about our careers. Neither of us work in an industry that is conducive to part-time work or taking years off. Does he want a parent home or do we put the child in daycare? It doesn’t really matter to me but if he wants a parent home, is he willing to be that parent? I doubt it. It’s just a ton of questions that I have thought about and he hasn’t. And they are serious valid questions to answer before having a kid.
– If you are planning on kids, when are you planning to do it?
I agree with you that there is no Perfect time, but that are certainly times that are better than others and times that should be completely avoided. I’d prefer boyfriend have a real job (so that sounds funny, he’s getting a PhD, most likely followed by a post-doc, then a job, so we’re talking maybe 30 at the earliest).
– Did/do you ever feel like some people just KNOW they want kids… and you are somehow… lacking that part of you?
YES! But I also find that these people fall into 2 groups. Ones who just assumed they would have kids but haven’t completely thought it through (like my boyfriend) and once forced to really think about it, may decide not to have kids. The other group are gung-ho ALWAYS wanted kids and basically nothing will stop them.
– Is there anything that you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path?
I haven’t talked to A LOT of people about kids, but those that I have all seem to have different opinions about whether they would do the same again, elect to not have kids at all, if it was worth it etc. From what I gather its highly individual and though reading about all these different views is validating, no certain one will give you an answer.
also, have you read Committed? by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book does have some flaws and some people really dislike it (I couldn’t finish Eat. Pray. Love but I really enjoyed this book) but there is a great chapter in there about having children/ not having children. She goes into how not having children allows you to help more families and kids because your money and time is not devoted to your own kids.
So I just wrote a novel in your comments. Whew! That actually felt good to get out there.
So, B and I are obviously childless. I have always had the “I want kids!” mentality (although I also want plenty of time the two of us, I was never in the “right away” boat) and B….was not. Is not. It took a lot of discussion and talks and time before he decided that yes, kids sound nice. In a few years. Etc. Etc.
Time has gone by and we are now in the “at the end of this year, lets talk about next year” phase which seems good to both of us. Maybe at the end of this year we will be 100% ready, maybe we won’t, but the discussion will happen and we will go from there. It is, I believe, an evolution. Good luck!
How and When: We’d been married around six years and doing all the math, we didn’t want to be 75 when our kids went to college. Since we married young, we had the time to get to know each other, and travel some before deciding to tie ourselves down to one place with kids. I think we both always knew we’d have kids, we’re one of those ‘of course we will’ people.
Spouse: Yup he was totally on board.
Perfect time: Nope, it doesn’t exist. Sure you can be financially ready, or physically, or whatever, but after you deliver a baby, they SEND IT HOME WITH YOU. No one is ever really ready for that the first time.
Live up to the hype: Hmmm, yes and no I guess. Children are wonderful and hilarious and sweet and cute…and also loud and obnoxious and rude and sticky, OMG THE STICKY! So it depends on the hype you’re hearing I guess.
Must Know: You will not sleep, your body will NEVER be the same, and YOU KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY.
2013 baby: If you have your doctor check you out and they say you’re good to go, do the math, it could happen the first month you try. I recommend the temperature taking method. Every morning you take your temp, and chart it, before you move from your bed. When you start to see a spike – you’re ovulating, do the deed as much as possible. There are other parts to this, but they gross me out so I didn’t do them 🙂 But it’s a pretty good method if you have no fertility issues. If you do have issues, you may need to try other things to get that 2013 baby.
In other words, I agree with Swistle.
The stickiness is one of the things I fret about the most.
I sincerely adore this post. We went out to dinner with friends last night who toted their three year old and 8 week old along. As soon as we got back into the car, Z looks at me and says “I think we are both ready for that and I think we are going to be good at it”. Talk about melt my heart, ha! It’s hard trying to assume when is going to be the “best” time for kiddos. I am not sure it will ever be perfect, but if you wait until it is–you may never have them! We are a couple of months ourselves from making the big leap which is equal parts terrifying and exciting. We’ve just always known we would want kids. It has kind of gone without saying, I suppose (Crazy Catholics, ha!). For us, the debate is usually more “when, how many and how close together”.
I start my new job this month–ideally, I would like to be there for 12 full months before taking maternity leave. So, I guess that means we will be making some decisions this summer!
Hmm. I am definitely one of those adorable aliens. I blame the hormones. I never wanted kids when I was younger, and then one day, I was single, in grad school (aka broke), trying to figure out what to do with my life, etc, and the urge kicked in and I have been LONGING for babies ever since. That was about….let’s see, 6 or 7 years ago? Now I’m married and my husband is definitely excited to have kids, but definitely not trigger-happy about it. I think he likes the idea “someday.” But he also likes having disposable income, etc.
For me, the struggle is that I desperately want to be a stay at home mom. I have a good career and all that, but I would honestly give it up to stay home and raise babies. At least that’s what I think (constantly) right now. But I am the higher income earner in our household, and the idea of being the sole breadwinner freaks my husband out. So I’m trying to figure out the middle ground there, and that’s the thing that keeps me up at night. I just can’t picture it yet. Sometimes I think we should take the plunge and just figure it out as we go along, but that seems sort of irresponsible. I totally agree with the whole “there will never be a perfect time” thing. I can just seem us waiting and waiting and working toward that perfect time, and suddenly my reproductive organs shrivel up and the door is closed. So I guess I like the never a perfect time thing because it brings me comfort.
Thanks for blogging about this. I think it’s something most couples (and single women too, and maybe single men? I don’t know) struggle with in one way or another, and I don’t think there’s enough discussion out there about the struggle.
Well, I turned 30 last year and all I can add is: I hear you!!!! You are not alone with your doubts/questions/insecurities whatever, I am so there with you.
Oh, but the “disjointed” nature of your post so clearly captures the essence that a majority of people go through in making the decision. We have one child, with another one on the way. And for both times, there was that rush of, “are we really talking about and agreeing that it’s time to have a baby?!!?”. I will say that for me, once we had that conversation, I was really ready to “start trying”.
I was pregnant with our first during the first year of fellowship, born halfway through the first year…never a right time to do it, but it would have been tough to have a newborn around while my husband had first started in on fellowship. By the time our son was born, my husband was getting the hang of fellowship and it all worked out. When I was in your position, I read a couple of “doctor spouse” forums where people discussed when the right time to have a baby was during the medical education years. My take away from it all was to do what seemed right for you and your husband. People have had babies during every year of the medical education process (and have extolled the virtues of each year) and have made it work. So can you.
As for what to do now for a child in 2013, best thing to do is to keep talking to your husband about your feelings about it all (open dialogue will only help you once you have a child screaming at 2AM for several nights in a row) and to take care of yourself. Stay healthy, squeeze in some trips/things you want to do with your husband before a baby comes along, etc. etc.
Take comfort that there are tons of women who experienced this exact same angst/excitement. You’re not alone and we’re excited for you!
I’m pregnant right now, but I think I can answer most of these questions 🙂
– How and when did you know that you wanted/needed – or did not want/need – to have kids?
– Was your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board?
– Is it true that there’s REALLY “never a perfect time” to have a kid?
– Does it really live up to the hype? I mean REALLY? Sometimes I worry that it’s all a big conspiracy… And you put so much time and money and energy into a kid that you feel obligated to say it’s so worth it when maybe it really wasn’t. You can tell me the truth. I won’t say a word.
– Is there anything you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path?
– If planning for a child in roughly 2013, bearing in mind that we all know PLANS ARE NOT CERTAINTY, what would you suggest, if anything? Or is this too personal? GAH.
If you are not a parent…
– I swayed back and forth about when to have a kid. I always knew that I wanted one eventually… but I also wanted to travel the world and do fun stuff!
– My husband has always wanted to have kids, for as long as I remember. When we were in high school (before we dated) we talked about what would happen if neither of us ever married, and he… at 17… at he would eventually try to adopt if he couldn’t have kids. He’s really great with children, and is so patient and calm – I am certain he will be the “better” parent.
– We waited until both of us were done with school. But not on purpose. We started trying 6 months before graduation, but it didn’t happen until a month before graduation. REMEMBER THAT! These things take time. I was 22… and fully expected to be a little “fertile myrtle” but it took a while.
– I always wanted kids, but when it came to actually umm… make one… my heart did constant back flips as to whether right now was the right time. I’m glad it took 6 months to get pregnant, because we are a lot more stable now than we would’ve been had the baby been born… this month!
– Nothing really “cinched” the decision. We just kind of “knew”. But that didn’t stop either of us from being scared, worrying, or contemplating whether it was the right thing to do. Some times I still think “maybe we did this too early” – but I’m also excited. As long as there are positive feelings to go with the negative feelings, then I think it’s okay.
– You are in Dire Need of Knowing that you would make a great mom. Your attention to detail and desire to constantly do things the right way are both attributes that will translate well to mom-hood.
Lastly – be sure that you like yourself, and that you are taking care of yourself. These things get more difficult as pregnancy progresses, and I know that finding time for yourself once you have a baby is challenging too.
And I can’t read. I don’t know what questions I was answering. Lol!
I’m a parent and we had our first kid right after the first year of residency. If I could do it again, I would NOT have been pregnant that year. But now that we’re through it, I’m at least happy with the product, not the process! Our daughter is wonderful. We’re now in residency year 3 and having our second child. To answer your parent questions:
-How and when did you know that you wanted/needed – or did not want/need – to have kids?
I always wanted kids but I was in NO rush whatsoever to have them right after graduating from law school. My husband, on the other hand, being a doctor, wanted me to start right away based upon his desire to have kids before I hit the 35 year old mark. I should also mention that we want more than 2 kids, so it was more a function of getting started with at least one kid before I was 35, so we’d have time to breathe in between and just figure out how many we really wanted… bla bla bla.
– Was your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board?
Yeah, my husband was actually the one who really wanted kids sooner than me. It’s tough, though. I love him dearly, and he’s an amazing, supportive, loving father, but at the end of the day, he’s not a woman and he never will have to deal with some of the things I have to. Other than the obvious act of carrying a child, I will always have a career/child struggle whereas his is less apparent. It’s just tough being a working mother. That’s another whole story in and of itself. So yes, he was all for the babies, but that’s also because he didn’t have as many fears or reservations because he can’t truly understand what women struggle with in this area.
– Is it true that there’s REALLY “never a perfect time” to have a kid?
As others have noted, there is NEVER a perfect time, but there probably are some times that are better than others. Like, not your first year of residency. But you guys are over that year. We knew we’d be broke for a long time with residency and fellowship, so that didn’t fit into our kid timing equation. I think money is probably the number one thing people worry about when baby planning. In our experience, we’ve been really creative with making things work financially, and while it sucks some days, I’m really glad that we didn’t wait until we felt more financially stable. Babies don’t need much, and it’s IS true that you will somehow make it work, even if you can’t foresee how at the moment. I love that due to finances, we have very few things and that we focus on experiences and simple things.
In your case and our case, another huge consideration is the time your husband will be able to spend with the kids. My husband is a surgery resident so he’s never around. When he’s an attending, he won’t be around as much either, but he’ll have a LOT more control over his schedule than he does now. He felt better about not seeing the kids as much now, when they won’t remember as much, rather than later when they’ll know that dad didn’t show up to the talent show or soccer tournament or what have you.
– Does it really live up to the hype? I mean REALLY?
Seriously- YES. Don’t get me wrong– there are days I want to go back to not being a mother, but the good outweighs the bad by a magnitude of thousands. I’m not going to sugar coat it– I’d say every day there is one or two struggles that I hate, like my daughter throwing a fit over something silly. But still, even with one bad parent-related thing a day, I run to day care to get her with the anticipation of a kid on Christmas morning. I am generally a grumpy, negative person, but being a mother is hands down the best thing I ever did.
– Is there anything you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path?
It can take a lot longer to get pregnant than you think. Or it could take no time at all. The scary and amazing thing about being a parent is being totally out of control in certain situations, such as the timing of when you’ll actually get pregnant.
– If planning for a child in roughly 2013, bearing in mind that we all know PLANS ARE NOT CERTAINTY, what would you suggest, if anything?
Start taking multivitamins. You could take prenatals but that’s kind of overkill at this point. Take care of yourself. Make a bucket list of places to travel to that you won’t be able to when you’ve got a small baby.
Oh yes – the motherhood/career struggle. I can’t even begin to think about that. I think my IDEAL would be that my husband would be a stay-at-home-dad. But it’s hard to even contemplate that since he’s spent so many years and so much money training for this career!
For some reason, while it concerns me, it concerns me less than the actual baby/no baby debate. I guess I am ignoring it in hopes that it will work itself out eventually.
We’re in grad school, so its not something we are going for now. But I want to have kids about at 26 which is when I graduate. But looking for a job preggers doesn’t sound like a good plan. ‘Cause I want things like maternity leave. Or the option to through all my education out the window and be a stay at home mom. But I want to work for a years. But I want kids. AHHH. It’s a endless cycle.
My husband is cool if we had kids yesterday.
I’ve always known that I wanted kids. My husband was the same way. I’m a sucker for babies, so while I can’t understand what you’re going through, I can certainly say that even though I was always sure I wanted kids, that did not make the decision to “start trying” (sorry) any less scary. It’s ALWAYS going to be scary. And there are always going to be things that you think you should do before you have a baby, but you’ll never be able to finish that list-something else will always pop up. I agree with Swistle, that there are some times that are definitely wrong, but no time that is 100% right.
Also, I think this part of Swistle’s comment was perfect—“I’d much rather regret having children than regret NOT having them, so I was willing to take the risk—considering there was no way to know in advance how things would turn out.”
Having kids is not, like getting a graduate degree, or moving to Europe, or writing a novel, something that you can “do later”. Unfortunately, there is a window for things to be safe. If there is a part of you that wants to be a mom, I don’t think you should deny yourself that. I think there would be more heartache when you’re 60 and that door is closed forever than if you have a kid who got into trouble or lives across the country.
Also, while I understand that women are having babies later and later and I think it’s great if it’s what works for them, if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a mom it’s that kids.are.exhausting. Wonderful, fabulous and amazing, but exhausting. And for me and my husband, we were of the mind-set that we would rather have kids young when we have the energy to keep up with them and then, when we’re older (and have more money!) we’ll travel and do all of those things we’re putting off for now. For some people, it’s the opposite and I get that. I guess what I’m trying to say is everyone has their reasons and none of them are wrong. You have to do what’s best for you.
I’m going to wrap this up now, b/c I’ve rambled long enough and you can always e-mail me (because there are definitely some things I think that you are in Dire Need of Knowing ), but here is what it boils down to, for me: Having kids is hands-down the best decision I’ve ever, ever made. It’s made me a better person, it’s made me see my husband in a totally new and amazing light, it has made our marriage stronger (weaker at times, but mostly stronger) and there are just no words for what it’s like to hold your baby in your arms. It is worth every single sleepless night, every nervous call to the doctor and every sacrifice I’ve made. I would give up anything to continue being a mom.
“Also, I think this part of Swistle’s comment was perfect—“I’d much rather regret having children than regret NOT having them, so I was willing to take the risk—considering there was no way to know in advance how things would turn out.””
Strangely enough, thats the only part of her comment that I didn’t agree with. I would much rather regret NOT having kids, than regret having kids. There are ways to live a fulfilling life without children even if you realize that maybe you did want them. You can foster, be a mentor, volunteet etc etc. Though this may not replace having your own children, its certainly an option.
Once you have kids though, that’s ‘one deed that can’t be un-did’. You are stuck. And to regret that for the rest of my life? No thank you. I’d much rather live with my own regret than feel never ending guilt that I had and raised a child I didn’t really want.
I totally understand your point Meredith. I guess I was thinking along these lines: If I didn’t have kids and regretted it, there is nothing that can be done about that. You can’t magically have kids at 70 or 75. I guess that would scare me b/c it’s one of the few things in life that once the opportunity passes (at least for a woman, not counting adoption, obviously) it is gone for good.
Not to say that it would be a good thing to regret having kids (which I can’t imagine anyway) but that I would at least want to give myself the chance to experience it. I suppose that logic is kind of selfish and doesn’t take into consideration the possibility of raising children you regret having and the impact on them. I don’t know…. since I have kids and I’m crazy about them and about being a mom, it just makes me sad for people that would pass up the chance simply b/c they were scared, b/c everyone gets scared about it. (And that’s not to say I think it’s wrong when people chose not to have kids, I totally respect that decision, this is just my experience.)
Ok, I’m rambling. But good point all the same, and I would be really sad for someone who regretted having children.
Ok, I will answer your questions for people who are parents. I haven’t read the other comments yet, so hopefully I’m not repeating too much.
How and when did you know that you wanted/needed – or did not want/need – to have kids? I always wanted to have a kid in theory, but I wanted to wait until my career was relatively stable before I had a kid. I never got to the point where I felt like OH MY GOD I MUST HAVE A KID RIGHT NOW. I was just kind of like, huh, I’ve been in my career for 3 or 4 years now, so this seems about the right time. And then we had a kid. I was 29.
Was your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board? My husband was basically desperate to have kids at age 23. He was baby crazy.
Is it true that there’s REALLY “never a perfect time” to have a kid? I don’t know. There are always advantages and disadvantages. But I felt like the time we had our kid was about as close to perfect as it was going to get. I would say when I got pregnant, I still only felt maybe 60% sure that I was ready.
Does it really live up to the hype? It is really, really hard, but I do think it lives up to the hype. For me, the first six months sucked though.
Is there anything you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path? No, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I can’t tell you what will surprise you because I’m sure it’s different for every person.
If planning for a child in roughly 2013, bearing in mind that we all know PLANS ARE NOT CERTAINTY, what would you suggest, if anything? I’m sure some people will tell you to travel now because it gets much more complicated once you have a kid. But it doesn’t become impossible.
The whole being only “60% ready” is very comforting. It seems like a decision that one should be fully behind… but I don’t think I could EVER be fully behind it.
Umm..wow. Reading through the above comments it’s so eye-opening to see all the different ideas and views, some of which I had never previously considered.
Russ and I know we want children and we both know we want to have them while we are younger. Since we aren’t getting married for another 1.5 years, I know that it will be at least 3 years before I even really consider it. But baby fever does make it’s way through our home often – and with both of us.
Sorry I don’t have much to advise on this topic. I agree that there is never a “right” time – I think this will become a question I ask in a few years. I’m also a firm believer that you will make a wonderful mother and that having children is worth it (just ask your parents).
Sorry I have no advice! Looks like you’re getting plenty good suggestions, though 🙂
I have had probably each one of these same thoughts. I still have some of them, even though there’s no turning back now at 17 weeks pregnant. I sit and wonder sometimes “what the hell have we done?” and “Do we really want kids?” Then other times I simply cannot wait for this child to be here and to be it’s mother. I would blame hormones but I was this crazy/ambivalent on the issue before I got pregnant.
I guess I’ll answer your parent questions since I’m headed in that direction:
– How and when did you know that you wanted/needed – or did not want/need – to have kids?
I never really thought about it. We played a game at my bridal shower and one of the questions was “How many kids do you think you’ll have?” I was dumbfounded. I’m pretty sure I answered zero. It wasn’t that I didn’t see myself as a mother, it just seemed so incomprehensible at the time. About 8 months later a switch flipped and I couldn’t get babies out of my head. But I’m an analytical, rational person and kept wondering whether I had baby fever or truly wanted to be a parent for the rest of my life. We thought about it for another 6-8 months and decided we wanted children and a family larger than the two of us. But we were still scared to death when we started…trying.
– Was your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board?
He was on board. He was certain he wanted children. But he also said that he’d wait as long as I wanted and would be okay if kids weren’t in the cards for us.
– Is it true that there’s REALLY “never a perfect time” to have a kid?
If there is, I have no idea when that would be. We’ve been together almost 10 years, married nearly 2 and are both established in our jobs. We own a house with room for a baby and can afford to take this on. I’m still scared and find plenty to worry about. Am I too young for this? Too old? Was it a good idea?
– Does it really live up to the hype? I mean REALLY? Sometimes I worry that it’s all a big conspiracy… And you put so much time and money and energy into a kid that you feel obligated to say it’s so worth it when maybe it really wasn’t. You can tell me the truth. I won’t say a word.
I have no idea yet – but I don’t think anyone’s answer to this question will help you. Some people are meant to be parents – some just aren’t . For some people it’s a dream come true, others a nightmare. SO much of that depends on the parents themselves and has little to do with how the children are/act/behave. I don’t think all people are approach having a child as thoughtfully as you have and just jump in blind. I would guess that those people are much more likely to regret their decision.
– Is there anything you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path?
I would say that it’s okay not to be 100% sure. I’ve never been 100% sure about anything in my life. It’s just not my nature. But so far, I am thrilled that I was 90% sure and took a leap of faith.
– If planning for a child in roughly 2013, bearing in mind that we all know PLANS ARE NOT CERTAINTY, what would you suggest, if anything? Or is this too personal? GAH.
I think a person with children is better equipped to answer this than I am at this point.
Good luck to you as you think about this!
I haven’t commented in ages! But I’m still around 🙂
My husband and I are both very much pro-babies. It is a true life goal of ours-not because it’s “the next step,” or “the thing to do,” or whatever. For us, it’s a deep down longing to be a mother and a father, and I’m kind of embarrassed to say this outloud-but we both feel like it would make us feel more complete. So while we are definitely in the “not now” camp-uh, because we’re realistic that we have no money for a baby, and if we’re honest, still love our childrenless existence together-we’re in the “absolutely, someday” camp. He’s content waiting longer than me at the moment, but I think he will wake up one day sooner than he thinks are be ready to take the plunge-he thinks 28-30, I think 27-28. Just last night we were talking about 26-a little young-but we’d still have been married four years by that point and it would be taking advantage of one very specific (and hypothetical) job scenario. I got serious giggles and butterflies thinking about 26. It feels SO SOON- but it’s about 1.5 years away!
Anyway. Even though we’re very much “YES,” I am really nervous about all of the unknowns-will I have a difficult pregnancy? Will it be a healthy baby/child? What if I develop MS like my mom-would I even want to have children knowing I had MS-or already having a child and develop it? Is that fair to the baby/child? What if we never make as much money as we hope to? (That question has 1,000 implications in my mind from what kind of schools we could afford to if we could go on vacations, etc.) What if I get postpartum depression? What if I can’t lose the baby weight? What if pregnancy makes my big feet BIGGER?!
Our point of contention about the baby thing, and it’s not really the “when,” at least not yet, is about whether or not I’ll stay home or whether or not I’ll work. I do not see myself working. Maybe part-time if I could turn a hobby into a business, and maybe eventually full time if I could get that business to grow. But not full-time like I do now. I just do not find anywhere near enough personal fulfillment in my “career” that I think it would be worth the sacrifices of being a working mom. He, however, does not see me ever staying home, and has doubts if we could afford the lifestyle we want with me not working. So. Good thing we aren’t ready-we’ve still got a lot to work through as far as expectations, etc. and of course, a lot of it goes back to the question we have no way of answering yet-“How much money will we make?”
I really envy you that deep-down longing… The feeling that a child would complete your family.
And yes – the what ifs are ENDLESS!
I feel bad leaving the money issue hanging because, like most commenters, do not believe there is ever a “perfect” time, so it’s not really about having a lot of money. I just mean we want to have some idea of what we think we’ll be able to provide for our kids and a real grip on the lifestyle we think we will have. I’m not so hot on change, so if our reality is not in line with our expectations, I would want to give myself a chance to settle into reality. I hope that clears it up!
Hello from the 18% of people you don’t know who are pregnant! 🙂 OK, so speaking from the “non-parentals” aka “WITHOUT child,” I don’t know when the perfect time will be. (See, I am sooo helpful. Not.)
I’m thinking towards the end of my medical training is what I want, because even though a lot of women can do it earlier, I know that I do not have the stamina for it. The closer to the finish line, the better, I say. I have wanted kids forever and I do plan to have my own. So, I have to work that out somehow.
I do have a friend, though, who didn’t want kids and is now pregnant with her third. She has told me that when it’s your own child, it’s different. She generally does not like kids, but she swears that when it is your own baby, the love just flows and you are happy and you make it work. (I have also seen her with her kids and she is fabulous and doting.) So, maybe your hubby is onto something with the 100% certainty and getting pregnant just coinciding.
I don’t like kids and don’t know if I ever will… but I’m going off of the basis that MY kid will be perfect in every way and I will love it.
Please do not post the stick you pee on. Or I will gag.
hahahaha… now I’m trying to remember if I posted a picture of the stick… but I think it was just of the word “pregnant” on the stick. Is that still gag worthy? lol.
I have a feeling I’ll eventually get to a place where I’ll have to close my eyes and jump, because I could rationalize myself out of children all day long. I mean, dogs are hard enough!
I am way interested to hear how this plays out…
Here I sit, 25 weeks pregnant, still in disbelief and shock and a complete state of unreadiness that I’m going to have a child.
So, no, I don’t think any time is the perfect time and I don’t think we’re ever really ready.
I imagine I’ll be watching this kid at 15 and going, “since when did someone decide I was ready and mature enough to be a parent of a teenager?”
It’s truly an out-of-body, is-this-really-me? experience.
And for a Type-A person like myself, that’s crazy hard to admit.
We got pregnant because we wanted a baby – not because it was totally irrational. But my heart was being pulled one way, as you say, and my head was too slow catching up. It still is catching up, in fact.
My friend got pregnant when I was 26, and at the first view of the ultrasound my ovaries, heretofore silent, sat up and said hello! We are here and ready to get to work! First I had to dump the jerk I was dating and meet my husband. I got pregnant when I was 30. I had baby fever for a LONG time. But its not like my husband didn’t know that when we got married.
My husband was not quite as gung ho as I was to get pregnant, but he was on board. We tried for a while before getting pregnant. I think there is no “good time” to get pregnant–you’ll never have enough money, enough space, etc….although there are certainly better times than others to get pregnant (being unemployed or fifteen years old, etc.) But for the most part, if you are mentally ready, then things will fall in place.
Its funny, we are debating having a fourth child, and it engenders just as much debate and soul searching as having the first one.
Obv I think its worth it since I’m thinking of having a fourth 🙂 Which is not to say that sometimes I don’t lock myself in the bathroom for 3 minutes of peace and quiet.
Prior to getting pregnant–check out the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. It goes into great detail about your cycle, and can help you pinpoint good times to get/avoid getting pregnant. Even if you’re not interested in getting pregnant I think knowing how your body works is valuable knowledge.
THE ONE thing I would say with absolute certainty is THAT BOOK IS WORTH IT’S WEIGHT IN GOLD. If you are thinking at all of getting pregnant, and even if you’re not, it has invaluable information about the a-hem mechanics of it, that my hubby, in the medical field, didn’t know. So….you know, light reading if you will. Good luck.
For most of my life, I didn’t want kids. Actually I didn’t even plan on getting pregnant. Everyone that knows me was surprised when I told them I was pregnant. So there was never a point when I desired to have a child. After having my daughter, though, I have been wanting another baby especially lately as I head into my 30s.
The father was on-board occasionally but he wasn’t the “daddy” type. He has since departed the scene, which makes my life easier.
There is definitely no “perfect time”. I was in my mid-20s, working crappy jobs to make ends meet and hadn’t finished college. It’s been tough but I’ve never regretted having her when I did because it’s completely changed my life… for the better. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t have my daughter.
It’s worth it every day but not in that Hallmark sentimental way… every day. I love my daughter every day but not every day do I want to crawl around on the floor or watch annoying children’s programming with her. The days you just do it are the days you have to tell yourself it will be worth it. The other days you enjoy being in that very moment.
People will always try to convince you of the opposite of your plans. I worked at the help desk in the student service center at college (see above: crappy jobs) and this lady would come visit me every day trying to convince me to have the child naturally… at my HOUSE! She had apparently helped a woman via Skype (or it’s equivalent) deliver her baby by herself.
I love this post!
We both very very much want babies. And we agree that about three children would be ideal. And he is ok that I want to try to have all three before I’m 35 (or at least be pregnant with the third by the time I turn 35). And we agree that it would be better if I weren’t pregnant nonstop for 3-4 years. (OMG I think I’d die!) So we start doing the math and I start panicking.
Ok, I’m 28 now and he would prefer that I not be pregnant until he is at least a fellow (because his one year fellowship will actually allow him less stress and more scheduling freedom than the last 4 months we have left in residency) so that he can be around if anything goes bad. (He approaches the baby thing much more rationally than I do.)
But, then there is the job and money thing because we will be (I hope with every fiber of my being) moving after fellowship and that would bring a very natural termination to my job (which does not have forever potential) and should be able to make do on his attending income minus HUGE student loan payments and free me up to be a stay at home mom and/or find a new job.
And oh yeah, I guess it would be better if we were married than not married (for the children’s sake and both of our conservative father’s sake primarily–his mom and 95 year old grandma gave us the go-ahead on children out-of-wedlock) and his brother is getting married in the fall, so we can’t get engaged until after that and he wants to go on a big special honeymoon afterwards and I don’t want to be pregnant for that. It could involve scuba diving! And it better involve wine. 😉
I want children more than anything and am terrified of waiting even a couple of years and losing the opportunity. But I also want to be ready. We CANNOT afford children right now. We both drive rustbucket deathtraps that there is no way I’d put my beloved children in, but would struggle to afford a safer newer car right now. And if I stopped working it would be impossible. And I have over an hour commute one way. I don’t want to waste time I could have with my family on a soul-sucking commute. C also wants kids like yesterday. So “when can we have children” conversations are not rare in our house. Fortunately, he’s usually not in a must-have-babies-now-at-all-costs mood at the same time I am so one of us can be the voice of reason.
It’s a good thing too. He has this weekend off and was asking me what I wanted to do. The suggestion that was on the tip of my tongue was “let’s go away for the weekend and get married and make a baby.” I think the only thing that stopped me from suggesting that was that I wasn’t sure he would say “no.” I desperately want children like now, but am terrified of having them before we’re ready.
Anywho, after all the panicky math, we usually end up with an ETA for children in 2012/2013. So I’m very interested in the advice people are posting re: preparing for a 2013 baby.
Everyone says there isn’t a perfect time. But seriously, I wish there would be – because I’m in the same boat as you. I have to wait until Husband is through law school and gets that magical real job. Because there’s no money otherwise. But I’ve known for a long time that I want to be a mom. My husband could go either way, but since I want kids, he’s on board. I can’t imagine my life without being a mom. I can’t wait until it’s the perfect time for one! Oh wait…
I never wanted kids and never had any. I guess I was born without a “maternal instinct”. When I met my (now ex-)husband, he said he felt the same way, but shortly after we married he started pressuring me to have kids (“just one!”) – it’s one of the reasons I left him. He went on to have kids with somebody else. I truly hope they’re happy.
This is a really, really personal decision – whichever choice will make you happy is the right one.
And if both choices make you happy? Eh, flip a coin. 🙂
When my husband and I got married, I never wanted kids. And while there are a ton of annoying people out there who say “you will change your mind” (and apparently I HAVE changed my mind, sort of… but that’s neither here nor there – those people are annoying and need to shut up), I was SURE that I would never want kids. And I had many tearful conversations with my husband about it, because he did want kids. But we decided after much heartache that we would prefer to be together. And there was an agreement that he would never try to convert me – because I could NOT deal with that. Which I guess is my roundabout way of saying, I totally get why that’s a marriage-ending issue.
Like you said, it’s SUCH a personal thing… And so divisive, if one person really wants kids and the other really doesn’t.
The husband and I had this discussion a few months ago and I had the exact same reaction. The giddiness because holy hell! I just talked about having babies without grimacing! (Or having an anxiety attack!) However, as time goes by I’ve started to realize I’d like to have a couple of things in line before I bring a child into our crazy world, like um, not living in a studio apartment and getting on my feet in regards to my career. Do I want to be 35 and having my first kid? No, but I meet people who are 30 with their first and I see it’s not so bad. When will we have a kid? No freaking clue but even the husband agreed we need 2-3 (his words) or 3-4 (my words) more years before we consciously decide to um, “start trying” (gag).
Just my experience so far, but like many have pointed out, if you wait until *everything’s perfect* it’ll never happen.
*sigh*
– How and when did you know that you wanted/needed – or did not want/need – to have kids? I always wanted to have kids. Always. So I am not the best person to ask this question to.
– Was your spouse (if you have a spouse) on board? Well, (see next question), yes.
– Is it true that there’s REALLY “never a perfect time” to have a kid? Yes. There is ALWAYS a good reason not to. We started trying the month we did because otherwise I would have had to renew my birth control prescription. Matt was thinking that maybe we’d start trying in another couple of months, kind of abstractly.
– Does it really live up to the hype? I mean REALLY? Sometimes I worry that it’s all a big conspiracy… And you put so much time and money and energy into a kid that you feel obligated to say it’s so worth it when maybe it really wasn’t. You can tell me the truth. I won’t say a word. Yes. Totally. I mean, have you SEEN my kid? She’s awesome. (I suspect your kid would be awesome too.)
– Is there anything you think I am in Dire Need of Knowing before we venture down this path? No, not really.
– If planning for a child in roughly 2013, bearing in mind that we all know PLANS ARE NOT CERTAINTY, what would you suggest, if anything? Or is this too personal? GAH. Yes. I would suggest that you get off any chemical birth control now. I would get the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and I would either use the Fertility Awareness Method (which is totally just as effective, if you aren’t stupid) or a barrier method. Because you CAN get pregnant right after getting off chemical birth control, but you can also NOT get pregnant for a long time too and I suspect that may have had something to do with our problems. Also, even good, easy pregnancies are hard and tiring, so I’d (without going to any extremes) eat well and exercise a little so that you will be in reasonably good shape to get started. I mean, casually and all, but just keep it in the back of your mind. It’s certainly nothing to freak out about (our friends are going to start trying soon and the woman is freaking out) but it doesn’t hurt to get a good start. Oh, and get up to date on all your vaccinations and health stuff. And drink a lot. Drink some for me, okay? I haven’t had a drink in like three and a half years.
And there is a naked toddler in my kitchen right now eating a chocolate chip muffin. Does that affect your feelings about kids at all? 😉 She’s jumping up and down with happiness.
You wrote everything that is going on in my head. I never, never wanted kids. From the time I was in middle school I was telling everyone I was never going to have kids. I love kids, I jest never wanted my own.
But in the last year and a half, I’ve been getting this nagging like I want one. It comes and goes and I change my mind, but the longer I wait, the more I want one. I don’t know if this is what is meant by “biological clock” or if it’s just peer pressure because everyone I know either just had a baby or is pregnant, or maybe I actually want one. It’s crazy. It scares me even to think about it.
Isn’t it awful, both the nagging AND the not knowing whether it’s your own biological clock or societal peer pressure? I hate that. I wish I would just be certain, one way or the other.
I was like you, not sure I wanted a kid, but then one day it clicked and I did. I told my husband I was ready whenever he was and we kind of left it at that, knowing we were on the same page with having one, but not necessarily when. He, too, was in a long program (PhD)…and I actually got pregnant while he was in his last year. I went to his commencement ceremony 9 months pregnant (and waddled everywhere!).
That said, no one exactly sugar-coated the first six months of having a baby, but it was nothing like I expected. Even now, with a 2 1/2 year old, there are days when I just want to go hide in a closet and days when I cannot believe how incredibly awesome it is that we created this fabulous little person.
Good luck. 🙂
Hello!!!
YOU = ME
I have nothing else to add to what you said. We are THE SAME. For reelz.
Sorry about the craziness you’re facing. ME TOO!
PS. I LITERALLY have a pros & cons list. Quantity (length) goes to the cons.
BUT Quality (weight?) goes to the pros.
GAH!
Seems like this post was perfect timing for more than just you! I am about to turn 30 (tomorrow!) and could probably have written much of those questions myself! I always thought I would be happy without kids. No kids equals more sleep, freedom, travel, flexibility, etc… and then I started dating my bf (who is 35). We’ve been together 3.5 years and I know he is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Sometime between year 2 and year 3, I started imaging a future and a family with this man – including babies. Neither of us are too anxious to get married, and when we do it will likely be very low key. but BABIES…holy cow, I can not stop thinking about them. It doesn’t help that everyone I know is having babies either. We’ve had the “what would happen if I accidentally got knocked up” talk and he has said he would be excited…thrilled even. Which just makes me want to just go for it. Who cares that we aren’t married – we have a better relationship than many of our friends who are. and we would be great parents. BUT I am terrified to tell him that I want to for it for fear that he will agree with me. Crazy and terrifying all at the same time…I totally get where your head is at! 🙂
Some things to know-1.you will never be ready, 2. It’s hard as shit, but the most worthy thing you will ever do, 3. Things don’t always go to your plan, so remember that and let it happen naturally.
Ha, I agree I want to barf when I hear, “We’re trying.” That’s awkward. Seriously. I’m going to email you my response because the super long comments are annoying. I had to scroll WAY down to even comment. Hmmmmmmmmm, maybe I’ll just respond if you want my opinion. I mean, I’m SUPER opinionated. You know that. 😉 I might email if my thoughts continue to BURST in my head. I missed your birthday! I pray it was a happy one!!!
This may sound like one of those cop-out smug answers that people who have kids give to those who don’t, but seriously the thing I’ve learned most from having kids is to let go of being in control. You have a lot of disclaimers in your post about knowing that you can’t plan everything and things happen…but I think that it’s hard to really accept how true that is until you’ve gone through it.
As a physician myself, I understand about wanting to be in control and plan things perfectly. It’s good to have a plan but there is no perfect plan or perfect time. And once the kids are here, all bets are off as far as fitting them into whatever box you might want them to be in.
For me it wasn’t about needing kids. In fact I’d say that for us we felt ready when we knew that we didn’t need the kids to somehow be a complete family but we wanted them.
And yes, I’d say it’s all the hype and more. It’s 1000 times harder than medical school or residency or being a doctor. But it’s also much more rewarding. It’s life-changing like nothing else.
Oooooohhhhhh my. The lack of control thing TERRIFIES me.
I have to de-lurk to answer this too. I’m 33 and have a 9 month old baby.
We decided to have a baby kinda because there was no longer any real reason not to. I looked at husband and said hey, let’s try this. And he said ok. And we were of the “let’s try it and see if it works” school and the “if it doesn’t work, we’ll be ok with that too” school.
So, we were both about half-way on board.
There never is a perfect time. If you think you have it perfect, the universe will screw with you and LAUGH. It seemed perfect for us, and I mean absolutely amazingly perfect. And it was perfect. And then we moved across the country for an amazing promotion, and so I left my job and stay at home now, and all kinds of other changes. The funny thing? Is that it is a whole new kind of perfect. Just not planned on.
It does live up to the hype. My biggest surprise, hands down, for having a baby? Is not that I’d love my baby–I knew that. Is not that I would be tired and frustrated some days–I knew that too. But I had no idea that she would be so much fun and such an awesome person. Like seriously–she is more fun to be around than most everyone I know. And I like her. Not just love her, LIKE her as a person.
Don’t think too hard. It just hurts to try and think too hard.
Um, I just starting reading your blog this morning. But my husband is in his first year of med school (so I like reading med-school-wife blogs) and being a stay-at-home mother of 2 (#3 on the way) I just had to comment.
We had kids right away (in undergrad). (On purpose.) Was I ready? No one is. I always wanted to be a mom, but I was only 22 and in a lot of ways I had no idea what I was doing. (Still don’t.) But there are things about being a mother that absolutely don’t compare to anything else on earth. Its hard to describe. Your heart fills with love for someone else. And then another one comes along and somehow your heart fills with love for them too. And there is room for it all. My relationship with my husband has grown and changed and absolutely is better now then it was before we were parents. Seeing him as a father is by far the sweetest sight in the world.
Is motherhood hard? Yes it is. All good things are hard. That’s what makes them so rewarding. And parenthood is the hardest thing of all. It is also the most rewarding. I really believe that. There is nothing on earth like it.
I will tell you one thing: throughout parenthood, make sure your husband is still your number one. So often with children its easy to forget what your spouse needs. Focus on each other still, and it will be such a great ride.
In my opinion, you can debate all of the pros and cons until the cows come home. But, in simple terms, you will never regret having a baby. You may later on regret NOT having one, though. So as a mommy of two, I say just go for it if that’s what you want to do. The first time that little being that you and your husband created, squeezes your finger in his/her tiny hand, you’ll be incredibly glad that you made the decision.
There honestly is no perfect time to have a baby – life will always be full of ups and downs, challenges, risks & rewards. Babies are miracles that will change you, the way you look at the world, your relationships, your entire life. And they are so utterly and completely worth it.
Good luck!
oh wow – you really got some amazing responses to this.
my immediate response is that WE ARE SO SIMILAR. i think that the only difference is that I always knew that I would have kids. It’s not that I “want a baby” or anything like that. it was just sorta, well, i know i’ll have kids. …if that makes sense.
however, when my husband and i started talking about it, he said something about having a baby FIRST year of residency (which is SUPER close) and what did i do? I started bawling. Like tears streaming down my face. (and this was over a year ago) sooo, we moved it.
i once asked my mom, “how do you know you were ready to have a kid?” she said, “you’ll never be ready to have a kid.” so, when thinking about it, I realize that 1) i’m never going to FEEL that biological/emotional urge to have children and 2) i know that I do want children. So, what’s a girl to do? Well, i’ve been relying on my brain to get me through this one. the facts are as follows: we want 3 kids. we don’t want to have any of them while i’m in my mid-thirties (med students/doctors are acutely aware of the risks) and i don’t want to have them rapid fire.
so. logically, we’ve got to start relatively soon. and that’s that. my brain is telling me that this is how it has to be so, i have to let my brain win over my feelings.
Right. there. with. you.
Why do I have all these questions?? Is it normal to have all these questions??
Is it normal to want a baby even though I NEVER wanted one until I saw my husband hold my newborn nephew?
Is it normal to not want a baby as much as I do want one?
Will ambivalence EVER go away?
Will I screw up my kid irreparably? Not dropping them but dropping the ball on morals or education or being a good human.
I have no answers. Zero, zip, nada. But your post made me feel a lot less abnormal.
We’re still settling on our wedding date and this comes up ALL THE TIME. I’m in law school, he’s going back to school, we both want to work for the government. AKA because we will never have a good time to do it.
I had decided I wasn’t going to comment, but then I just kept thinking about it and decided to come back and do it.
I have a few thoughts. First of all, for me, Judah TOTALLY lives up to the hype. Not to say that it is always peachy keen and easy and a blast. Sometimes it’s hard. But for me, the hard times are totally overwhelmed by the wonderful times. I now have this kid who laughs when the dog walks by, laughs when I tickle his legs, and will frantically crawl to me, pull up and hug my legs while he buries his face in them. He gives me the biggest grin whenever I get him up from his nap and loves to feed our dog bits of his dinner. He is wonderful and I feel so blessed.
Secondly, as someone who had to try for 2.5 years or so to get pregnant and had to involve doctors and specialists, you can’t assume that it will happen quickly. Very few people expect that it will take them longer than 2-3 months, but it takes 50% of people about 6 months, and 85% of couples 1 year. Which means that 1 in 7 couples experience infertility. I’m not trying to scare you but I think someone else already commented that it would be good to try to get off hormonal contraception if that’s what you use maybe in 6 months or something. And Taking Charge of your Fertility is an excellent book to help you figure out how to prevent pregnancy until you’re ready to try to get pregnant. Natural family planning kind of gets knocked around in the medical field (at least it did at my med school) but when done correctly is just about as effective as the pill. Once we started doing it I was amazed by what I could learn about my own body.
I don’t know what specialty your husband is going into, but I’m a doctor and had a baby during my last year of residency. It worked out great. I agree that there is always going to be something going on that might make it seem harder to have a baby. I realize that not everyone agrees, but struggling to get pregnant has just made me so thankful for my sweet boy. He was definitely worth all the sadness and anxiety and doctor’s visits. 🙂 My experience with infertility would also make me prone to recommend starting sooner rather than later.
Best Wishes as you think through it all!
We are pregnant now (3.5 months).
I always knew that I wanted to be a parent; never even a second of doubt. My husband was more take it or leave it. If he had ended up in love and married to a woman who didn’t want kids, he would have been fine with that. At first this was unsettling to me – but then he reminded me that I told him on like date 2 that kids was a non-negotiable for me (and he married me 5 years later) and he is 110% on board. Though I’ve always, always, wanted kids – I’ve also known that I do NOT want to be a SAHM and we didn’t have kids the second we got married (I will give birth the week of our third wedding anniversary – which is like 8th dating anniversary).
Let’s see… other questions you asked:
Perfect time? hahaha! I am in my 6th and final year of getting my phd and I’m on my residency. My husband and I live in different states. This is not a perfect time. However, I will finish residency, move to his state so we will live together again finally, and I will nest for 8 weeks then give birth. (We got pregnant on our second try).
Which leads to another question – anything you should be thinking about for 2013 – I timed this baby down to the second. I took an ovulation test every day, and if I was ovulating, I hopped on a plane and tried to get knocked up. It helps to have several months of data (temp, ovulation kit) before you officially start trying if you are trying to time it around a “perfect” time. But in these medical paths – there is no perfect, you just do it.
Live up to the hype? So far, yes! I LOVE being pregnant. (Yay boobs!) I’ve always wanted this and I’m very happy. Someone who was more ambivalent may be better able to tell you what pregnancy may be like. I could imagine that this wouldn’t be so wonderful if I was uncertain.
I would recommend 2nd year of fellowship. It depends what specialty he’s going into, but my husband did oncology at Hopk1ns and I never saw him, he was exhausted, drained and unavailable. NOT who he normally is. He’s gone into research so he has more time now. I’m 39, he’s 42 and we’ve been trying for a while. Long story with private details, but I’m glad we’ve waited. He really wasn’t ready to be a parent and was overwhelmed by life in general. Now he’s finally totally on-board. Trying to get pregnant can feel like a project and it helps if both people are committed to the process.
For trying to get pregnant, I highly recommend the book “Taking Charge of your Fertility”. (http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299253572&sr=8-1) It’s great at helping you get to know your body and understand when you are ovulating.
When I got married I had no intention of ever having children. I was the baby of the family (#6), completely spoiled by much older siblings and was going to continue on the path. I didn’t even like kids and I couldn’t stand being around other peoples children. They just seemed like a huge inconvenience. And the fact that my uterus was oddly shaped wouldn’t make it easy to get pregnant anyway. I was a-okay with that and refused to get off birth control.
Two years later my doctor had the horrible job of telling me I was indeed pregnant. I do remember calling him a liar and ordering him to reconsider. He had a sense of humor, thank God.
Turns out, I absolutely hated being pregnant. I wasn’t “glowing” I was hot and fat and for the first time in my life I had acne. Odder still, I absolutely loved labor and delivery. (You can’t complain when your entire labor and delivery experience is six hours from water break to baby.) After the baby was born I fell in love completely. Four years later his sister was born and three years after that another sister came along.
Never wanting children to having three. Awesome. I would’ve had another but my husband wouldn’t let me. Is there ever a good time or bad time? Nope. Babies come when babies come. I never thought I’d want one and now I wish I had had three more! Or more than that.
The only thing I would offer you is to put your marriage first. Because one day those children will leave the nest and make their own lives and if your marriage didn’t come before the children you’ll be left with two strangers who no longer have a whole lot to say to one another.
Oh my. . .opinions, I have them.
So, we always planned to have children, but I was not at all feeling baby fever. Ever. My husband would have had a baby immediately if I’d wanted to, but he was also happy to wait until I felt ready.
I never felt 100% ready, but I did get to the point where I was feeling like it might actually be FUN to have a child and also where it didn’t send me into a panic attack to consider trying to get pregnant for longer than a day.
Is it worth it? This, to me, is the clincher. I always worried that I wouldn’t think so. That I’d resent having to get up early, to find a babysitter any time we wanted to go out together, to stay home. I worried that I’d be bored at home, that I’d be counting down the minutes until my child went to school and I could have my life back.
I was wrong. I am head-over-heels in love with my baby. I love having her around. When I go to bed at night, I’m all excited to see her again in the morning. I take videos of her and watch them when she’s napping. I am THAT parent. I love love love being her mom.
For all the times people told me “It’s so amazing, etc” I really never believed it. Now I feel like I’m in this secret club of OH MY WORD, HAVING A BABY IS THE BEST THING EVER. I just had no idea.
Also, I was a nanny for a while and I did a ton of babysitting both as a teenager and as an adult. There is no comparison. None.
I love that you talked about the secret club thing, because I am VERY SUSPICIOUS. Still suspicious, but less so, because I just can’t picture you lying even in pursuit of such a noble cause as Convincing Someone to Breed.
I don’t have children and I don’t know if I ever will or if I even want to. I used to think that I had to have children and mostly wanted to have kids with my ex to make things feel more real or better somehow. Absolutely unhealthy way of thinking and I know it and that is why I am not with him anymore and am now in completely healthy, loving relationship where neither of us know what we want in terms of spawn. I feel better than ever about the unknown!
Not to pressure you but I didn’t see anywhere in your baby making timeline when you would write a book. I really love your writing and think you should go for it! All of it! Any of it which is what you really want!
I have two daughters, one is just 9 (born when I was 32), the other is almost 7 (born 3 weeks before my 35th birthday).
When I was younger, I never imagined myself with kids; even now, I’m never totally ga-ga about other people’s kids (so the comment suggesting babysitting would have had the opposite effect on me – it would totally have put me off!). One of the things my now ex reproached me of was that I am “lacking maternal instinct”.
Even now, I wouldn’t say I’m a “baby” person – I much prefer the ages my daughters are now (have done since the younger one turned 3, in fact).
Parenting is hard, and being newly single (and hating it) has made it harder, even though the girls are older. The baby stage was hard, but not unbearable (don’t get me wrong, I loved them to bits as babies, but it’s just that I don’t miss that age AT ALL) and certainly hasn’t left too many lasting trauma memories (some, though: being vomited on, tantrums, not sleeping, not eating… but it all passed (or has become a non-issue)).
I knew I wanted kids eventually, and it was a long, traumatic process (unidentified fertility problems, very late miscarriage, depression, stress, two premature babies…), and I certainly don’t regret it. Sometimes I believe I lack “mothering” qualities and hate myself for it, but my girls are the light of my life, the only good thing in my life to be honest, and I can’t imagine my life without them.
This is disjointed and probably incoherent, as well as making me sound like some kind of monster – I’m not, I swear! I do my best, I work my butt off to give my girls a good life, I love them with all my heart. But times are hard right now and my patience levels are low so there’s a fair amount of conflict. But the love remains.
I say go for it – yes, it’s scary and daunting, but oh, so worth it!
By the way, you can still do a lot of TV watching and stuff, even with kids – I watch Glee and Madmen, I Twitter, I FaceBook, etc., there’s no problem! I just tend to do these things when the girls have gone to bed or school!
I love your sharing! Being a physician myself, I totally empathize with your feelings. Before you even get to thinking about a fertility monitor or such mundane things, first think about nutrition. Focus on eating a diet that is full of the nutrients you need to be healthy in general, not just because of wanting to be pregnant (possibly, definitely, soon, later…). This includes an abundance of fat-soluble vitamins and minerals. The best sources are foods from healthy animals, eating their optimal diet and vegetables grown in nutrient rich soils. Good luck!
Well, I’m pretty much the last to jump on the bandwagon here, but this is how C and I came around to: yes, we shall have children sometime (soonish)(hopefully).
For a long, long while I was terrified at the thought of being a parent. When I say terrified, I mean way too selfish, and I knew it. Like you- if I had a kid, when would I have time to do X, Y, and X, including watching Food Network for a large amount of hours and lounging? I also had this deep, impenetrable fear that I would HATE my own children. That they would get on my nerves excessively. That I would be that baby shaking mom who ended up on the news for killing her child out of frustration because IT JUST WOULDN’T STOP CRYING.
It’s not that I didn’t want to have children ever, because conversely to that, I have held a deeply rooted belief for a long time that it is truly a woman’s responsibility and privilege to pro-create. Our bodies were designed to do this incredibly complex and cool thing like carry around our own offspring for 9 months, and to not utilize that gift ever would be incredibly selfish. You can imagine the inner conflict.
Teaching teenagers and now small children did not help. I looked around at the faces of my students occasionally and thought, “Sure- some of these kids are fabulous. But some aren’t. Some make me crazy. Some are incredibly rude and disrespectful. Some are downright horrendous. Who’s to say that I don’t end up with one of THOSE kids rather than the fabulous kid?! I don’t want to take that risk!!!!!”
Then I started paying attention to the kids that drive me nuts, and their parents. I paid attention to the fabulous kids and their parents. I started to notice that the kids who drive me nuts are an awful lot like their parents, as are the kids who are fabulous. I mean, they are individuals, sure, but they also have a lot of the same tendencies as their parental units- like being a diva, or being incredibly gracious and kind.
So one day I said to my dad, “I’ve been noticing lately, since I have been rather anti-children because I don’t want mine to turn out to be the bad ones, that kids are actually a whole lot like their parents…” at which point dad informed me that, yes, kids actually are a lot like their parents, and if you don’t suck, you’re kids probably won’t either.
That realization right there changed my whole perspective. I started to think about who I am as a person, and really who C is as a person, and it hit me: I might actually make a really pretty good mom, and C? He will be an AMAZING father. And I like to think we aren’t so bad as people, so maybe our kid won’t be annoying either (and my dad told me that sometimes, no matter what, kids are annoying, even your own kids, and that it’s okay to think your kid is being annoying every now and then. That was like freedom to me).
The more I pondered on the above things, the more my desire to have children grew. And grew. And grew. Until all that remained is my desire to have children, and a desperate fear that having children will ruin my marriage. As for the latter, C and I have had numerous conversations about it and what we can do to protect our marriage from falling apart once a child arrives, and to protect our lives in general from becoming baby-centric. That’s eased a lot of the fear, leaving mostly only a desire to have children.
Oh, and the impetus for all my meandering thoughts initially? The cardiologist telling me to have children sooner rather than later because of my heart valve issue. Nothing presses the issue like a doctor telling you to make a decision.
I don’t know if that’s helpful or not, or if that answers any of your questions for us non-parents, but there it is.
And you’re totally normal for feeling the way you do, by the way.
Great post! I am right there with you! Some days I’m 100% gung-ho and on the baby birthing band wagon. Other days I barely have time to breathe so how can I possibly ADD another priority to my already long list of things to do.
I’m still on the fence…..
This is so interesting. I always wonder if that shift in perspective is going to happen for me. Before Dan and I got married we were like “no kids.” Now that we are married we are like “Probably no kids.” But we do often say things like to “Well our kids (insert some psychological babble about how they have to go to private school and play ten sports)” Its wierd, but I have come to the conclusion that I’ll know when I know – and until then I will just keep living. If I am 40 and decide I want to have a child- so be it! Right now, I know I don’t want kids. So my stance is that I want to want kids, someday.
And it sounds like you want kids, so I think you are in a good space to start planning for them! 🙂
I am not a parent, but I AM a nanny. I always just expected I would have kids. The desire to have children kicked in around 23. Started noticing babies everywhere and having dreams about babies, etc, lol. My husband wants kids as well, but he’s more comfortable with waiting than I am. We’re planning on “pulling the goalie” next year. Our plans are to wait until residency is finished. (Him having chose family medicine means I’m still under 30 at that point) I have friends that don’t get the whole desire for children thing. But they say everything changes once that baby is in your arms. I have a friend who is due in June that always said she never wanted kids (as in, right up until she found out she was pregnant). I’ll let you know if she magically turns maternal when the baby comes. Maybe you should try spending some time around babies and toddlers before you decide. Since you know so many pregnant people, that shouldn’t be too hard.
haha its awesome to catch up on blog reading and see this post with 80 comments. It’s definitely a hot topic and I myself have been struggling with this dilemma. Up until very recently I was planning on not getting married… so having kids was completely out of the question. It still terrifies me to no end but now that I’m in a relationship that is heading towards marriage… I know he wants kids and would love to be a dad… it’s hard not to want that for him. I’ve decided that some time in the future I would be willing to have at least one kid but I don’t know if I will ever feel a “burning” desire for kids nor will I ever feel ready. Oh the joys of being an adult… haha
Thanks for posting this and thanks to all those who’ve commented on this post.
i’ve spent the past 2 days here at work neglecting projects by sneaking a few comments here and there bw tasks.
i’ve been in an internal debate for a year now. my husband is currently finishing up his postdoc and like everyone else i just wasn’t sure when the ‘perfect time’ was. after much discussion i think we’re lowering the defense this Fall but definitely in the new year 2012. i say ‘think’ bc my husband just accepted his first assistant professorship position that will begin Fall 2011 and who knows how we’ll be feeling once we get ourselves settled over 1000 miles away from everything/one we know and love.
we married in ’08 and have both wanted kids ‘someday’. my husband was in the camp of whenever and i was in the camp of far distant future…sometime before i’m 35. i’m currently 29.
i still have lingering questions that involve my career (accounting) and whether or not i’m going to pursue getting a job or just sit this one out until after the baby arrives knowing that i wouldnt qualify for a 3 month leave if i got pregnant sooner than later. right now i’m leaning toward sitting out bc i’m not happy in my career and dont think it would be good for any of us to leave the baby to go to a job i don’t enjoy. but what if it takes us longer??? i don’t know……
there was straight out fear in the beginning of our marriage bc i didnt want to ruin the great relationship we have with a baby and frankly i’m tired &/ lazy. i dont feel like dealing with the baby stuff. there was an 8 & 10 year gap bw me and my younger brothers and i spent a great portion of my teens dealing with the mundane tasks of a mother while my mom worked 2nd shift. i wasnt interested. but my feelings have evolved. evolved to the point where i’m mentally preparing myself to take this on. not knowing how long it will take for us to conceive is a driving force bc i do read a lot of bloggers who’ve dealt with/dealing with infertility. though an old classmate got pregnant 2 months into ‘let’s see what happens’…
reading all these comments has been informative and encouraging. i also think i’m going to take the plunge and order ‘Take Charge…’ sooner rather than later so i can get used to charting, ect.
i went off hormonal birth control Spring ’10 due to other issues. so once we’re ready, praying that it doesnt take longer than a year.
Good luck to you guys as you continue to hash it out……
I’m a doctor’s wife too (in Australia)- we met just before he started med school and did the long distance thing for a few years before I finished uni and could move to where he was studying (in New Zealand!). I worked, he studied. He did his Intern year in NZ and then we moved back to Australia (to my hometown) where he started working as a resident. We got married when I was 28 & he was 29. I was ready for kids then, in fact, when we went on our honeymoon but he convinced me to wait until after we’d been on his dream trekking in Nepal trip. This was his last year as a resident and then we started trying – I got pregnant – and then had a miscarriage. We took a break because he was studying for his Part 1 exam (to specialize in a medical speciality you have to pass this exam before you can apply to a speciality program). It was a hell year as I was trying to finish my masters, work full time and look after him. He passed, and two days after he got his results, I found out I was pregnant again. Then I had another miscarriage.
Then I got pregnant again 6 weeks later!! And THANK GOD he got on to his preferred speciality training program in my hometown – because I just couldn’t have survived a new baby without my families support. As much as he loves me and her, and as much as he tries – he is still working hard, still freaking studying and I still can’t count on him to be home (although in the very early days he did a beautiful job taking phone consults from home while soothing the baby at the same time!)
Anyway, I guess my advice is, there is never a good time to have a baby – but there are worse and better times. I was upset we couldn’t keep trying when he was studying for the part 1 – but in hindsight, he was right. Then, it might take longer than you think – there was 3 years between when we started and our baby was born. I’m 34 this year and we’re going to start trying for #2 this year. Honestly, I’d like 3 kids – but I’m not sure I’ll get them…
And finally – have a support system organized! It just never ends (luckily my family is great and I get lots of moral support from my MIL as well- yes, my FIL is a rural doctor – and they had 6 kids! I have no idea how my MIL did it!)
That was a total mind dump!
I did not want children. Ever. But one day when “all my friends” were having them and I wasn’t, I got a little worried. I decided (and my husband agreed) that although I didn’t WANT children, I knew my older self would regret not having them. So we decided to have one. All through my pregnancy I referred to the baby as “it” and was very concerned that I would not be attached to the baby. As it turns out, the moment he came out my whole feeling changed. He is now two and I am pregnant with my second.
You may never be ready to have kids but I’m telling you, you may regret it if you don’t. It may scare you right up until the day you have the baby but you will be glad you did.
I am just now reading this post, how did I totally miss this post?!! I decided to join in and give you my answers since I am a new mom and I adore you and your blog! 🙂
I knew I wanted to have kids when my husband proposed to me. I thought the ultimate gift to him would be to have his children and have little mini me’s running around. He was definitely on board! I believe there is a right time to have kids, like when you are financially stable and can support them and yourself. If you can do that, go for it!
I did not know how much of my time would be wrapped up in my little guy. I took the whole SAHM mom thing for granted. After 4 months at home (maternity leave) I realized that I need help, BAD. I couldn’t do it all alone (hubby travels during the week). I went back to work and I can work from home also during the week. We also hired a nanny and housekeeper. I felt like a failure because I thought I could do it all. Well, I can’t! That is what some ppl do not tell you. You cannot do it all. It helps if you have money tucked away for these things!!
When you do get pregnant, research hospitals for your birth. Some are baby friendly and some just want your money and do not listen to you. Seriously. If you are planning for a baby , take your prenatal vitamins now and get your body ready. If you do not work out, start now. Your body will bounce back quicker and you will be happy you did it!!
Luv ya!!
Oh wow, we ARE going through the same craziness! How did I go from “babies are scary noooooo!!!!” to “Ok, next year we’ll ditch the birth control” in what feels like a split second, even though it has taken me years to get here?
I think you’ll be a great mom, by the way.
Okay so — hmmm. This is coming from an infertility patients point of view.
I have from the time I can remember wanted four kids. Two boys and two girls. I had all their names picked out. And then my body decided not to work like it was supposed to and we discovered there was a problem with my eggs and I would need to give up my genetics and find an egg donor if I were ever to become a parent.
(This is after many many miscarriages – like 9)
So after 17 years of trying, and finally getting pregnant with a pregnancy that would stick around and become a real.live.baby — I discovered the following:
1. I had many many oh shit moments. Like what in the hell am I doing? Holy God I am having a baby, so I really want to have a baby? Am I going to be a good parent? Oh God I am going to screw this kid up.
2. You are never sure. You aren’t sure until the baby is in your arms and then it all becomes very real, very surreal, (if that makes sense), and very amazing.
3. There is never a good time or a bad time to have a baby. Right after I found out I was having a boy, my husband was laid off from his incredibly well paying job. I freaked out many many times but we made it through and he got an even better job.
4. Whatever is supposed to happen is supposed to happen. You can’t predict the future, and if having your husbands child and becoming a parent is something you feel deep inside you want to do, then by all means get to practicing because conceiving isn’t as easy as it looks on soap operas:)
5. Last but not least — I love my son so much that sometimes I forget to breathe, and so yes, having a child does live up to all the hype and then some:)