Firstly, thank you very much for the kind birthday wishes! That I sort of forced you to leave me! Which made me feel kind of birthday-wish-fishy all weekend and definitely all day Monday and yet I had too much work to be able to do anything about it!
Secondly, I had a lovely birthday weekend that involved steak, cheesecake, a massage, and my husband saying, “it’s your birthday, we can do whatever you want” about three thousand times.
Thrice-ive, I have STORIES about the massage experience and our hotels! Two of the three hotels we stayed at in the course of four days! But I feel a little weird about writing about them because they are complainy. And first-world-problem-y. And some people don’t even GET a massage or a hotel. So I should be thankful. (And I am thankful – truly.) But oh how I want to tell you!
So in the meantime, I have some questions. About questions.
My husband and I occasionally ask one another to do stuff. That was part of our vows, in fact: “I do heretofore pledge to do stuff for my new spouse from now until eternity the end.”
Or something. I really just wanted an excuse to say “heretofore.”
So, in asking one another to do stuff, we usually tack a question mark on the end.
But as with many weirdnesses that somehow don’t come to light until you’re bonded to a person until DEATH, it seems that my husband and I have totally opposite means of asking AND interpreting questions.
This can lead to confusion… Consternation… Irritation… Sometimes, all-out screaming. (I will let you guess who does the screaming.)
So I am wondering which of us is right more typical and which of us is wrong less typical.
I would like to know how you (and your spouse, if you are so inclined to tell me) act in this situation.
There is no right answer! (Yes, there is.)
Maybe even we are simply crazy and no one ever deals with this issue ever. In which case, I apologize for wasting your time!
Here Is the Situation:
Let’s say that you have some things to do – a task list, if you will – and you are feeling stressed out and overwhelmed by the sheer number of tasks on said list that you have to complete before a certain deadline (like, bedtime).
It would help you IMMENSELY if your spouse were to relieve you of just one of these items. And your spouse – who loves you dearly – is more than happy to take over that task for you. (Seriously. Your spouse lives to make your life easier.)
Let’s say the task is something very small, like, I don’t know, taking out the trash.
Something that is small, yes, but still an inconvenience – though admittedly SMALL – for your spouse to undertake.
So how would you ask your spouse to take over this task for you?
Perhaps you would say something like Option One: “It would be a big help if you could take out the trash for me.”
Or maybe you would go with something along the lines of Option Two, “Could you please take out the trash for me? It would really help me out.”
Or perhaps you have a third option – Option Three – that you’d care to share with the class. I, for one, would be interested to hear it.
Now, it is possible that the two options I gave you seem very similar.
And to one person in my household, they do, in fact sound similar. Similar to the point that this person cannot fathom why the other person has a preference.
But to the Person With The Preference (and you don’t know how much it pains me to capitalize “with” and “the ” in the naming of this person, but I feel that, while stylistically egregious, it really emphasizes the emphasis-via-capitalization in a way that two lower case words in a row would not), not only are the two options VASTLY and WILDLY different from each other… but one option is CLEARLY superior to the other option.
It is so superior, in fact, that the WRONG option can make this person somewhat irrationally furious.
To the point that entire arguments have centered around the phrasing of this request.
Now, let us not sidetrack into a debate of the merits of Irrational Anger. Because I am sure – SURE – that each of us has certain weirdo things that set us off like none other. Despite the fact that, to the general population, that thing might seem totally innocuous and benign.
(One of my Irrational Anger-Causing Things is being asked, “So, did you get all your work done today?” I know it sounds like a totally innocent – even friendly – question, but it drives me NUTS. I think because 1. My work isn’t the type where I’m really ever DONE with anything… I mean, I complete tasks, but I stop working at the end of the day less because I’m done than because I have given all I have to give and 2. It makes me feel like I SHOULD be done, in which case I should probably work MORE because I will never be done ever and 3. Because it just really annoys me, irrationally, so I don’t really need a reason.)
(Also, rude service workers. But I guess that’s not so much an irrational anger as anger disproportionate to the degree of the offense.)
Well, it looks as though this thought train has just careened right off the tracks.
Let’s see. Where was I?
Oh yes. Option One vs. Option Two.
As you can imagine, with one of us believing firmly that one option is Right and the other option is Wrong… and the other of us not really getting why the whole thing is Such a Big Deal in the first place… We have a bit of a fracas once in a while. (Not too terribly often. We are not, you know, hurling zucchini [zucchinis? zucchini?] at each other or freezing each other’s underwear in acts of rage-filled vengeance.)
The Person With The Preference, by the way, feels that because one person has a preference and the other does not, that the non-preference person should – out of deference for said preference – simply use the Preferred Option when asking the other person to take over a task.
The logic is sound: After all, if you are asking someone to do you a favor, why not ask in the way that is least likely to provoke that person into a fit of froth and ire?
But the other person – not really understanding the difference between the two options in the first place – feels stubbornly obligated to stick to whatever guns one feels the need to stick to in such a situation.
And while you’re weighing in on ridiculous and inconsequential details of my marriage, let me ask you this…
If your spouse were to call to you from the other room, and ask something like, “Can you please come unload the dishwasher?”
…would you:
a) Assume that your spouse needs you to unload the dishwasher immediately, and either say, “Sure, I’ll be there in a minute” or “Sure” and make your way into the kitchen immediately
or
b) Assume that your spouse needs you to unload the dishwasher at your leisure, and either say, “Sure,” and take care of it when you have a break in whatever it is that you’re doing or say nothing and take care of it when you have a break?
Perhaps there is a hidden option c, which is to respond “Unload the dishwasher your damn self.” If so, you should be very glad that you are not married to me.
(NOTE: I want to point out that I’m not asking you to actually settle anything. In fact, my husband and I are firmly entrenched in our respective positions, and we are unlikely to give way even one tiny inch no matter how much Sensible Logical Logic you throw at us. I am simply asking you to share which option YOU would choose and why, so that I can (hopefully) feel some solidarity and/or get Irrationally Mad at those of you who see things the way my husband does. (Not really. I will love you no matter what.)
If you feel like voting in a democratic way that might actually affect the way a couple does things – or might not, I’m not sure on the Official Rules – check out Temerity Jane’s “Settle This” series. Which is not only more interesting than anything I’ve ever written but also much more hilarious.)
And finally, in conclusionary business, and apropos of nothing, I leave you with this:
I’m pretty much indifferent between both options… but if I had to choose, I’d prefer the second one.
Now the question is …. did I choose the “right” answer?
With respect to helping right away vs. when you’re taking a break or something, it depends. I try to help right away, but sometimes I’m working at home (I’m a grad student) and having some uninterrupted time is nice (and necessary for my sanity).
I ask in the form of option two. Option one, at least to me, sounds like ‘you’ are saying your spouse is not helpful and you could use some help. That’s how I would feel if I was asked that way but I’ve also been called sensitive!
So will you reveal which option you are?
Hm, I think I usually phrase it that “it would be really helpful if you could…” so option one. I sometimes use option 2, though, I don’t really put very much thought into it.
And on the second question, I always say yes, but I take my time doing it – if he doesn’t specify when he needs something done, I’ll just do it when I have time!
Two thoughts: you don’t need to say “for me”… because it isn’t “for you.” It’s for you household, and your family. It is as much to his benefit as it is to yours. If you are worried about the timing of such events taking place, add what you would like to happen. “Would you please take the trash out… on the next commercial break” or “before we need to go to bed.” That way you’ve made it clear that you would like for it to happen in a timely manner. Once you’ve given you time constraints though… it’s in his court.
hm….interesting to ponder so early in the morning. To me, I don’t really care. option 1, option 2, doesn’t matter.
However my boyfriend would vastly prefer option 2 because it’s a question rather than an order and it includes ‘please’. Regardless of how that order is phrased, he doesn’t like being told to do something. He is, of course, more than happy to do whatever I ask, but only if I ask and include please (obviously we’ve had many spats about this, as well). I acquiesce because I am weak. No, jk, I acquiesce because it’s easier than any other option and because whenever he asks me to do something, it is ALWAYS nicely and includes please. Then when I do it, he ALWAYS says thankyou.
All this to say, I can see why option 2 is preferred (though I have no preference myself) and have changed my ways to ask in the format of option 2.
I love “thrice-ive,” and also agree about capitalizing With/The in this case, as well as agreeing that it would cause me pain to do it.
My family of origin is sensitive to word choices, and the ones my parents settled on was “Would/willing”: “Would you be willing to take out the trash?” They consider it superior to Could, since Could implies (to them) a sort of “or are you truly incapable of doing a dang thing around here?” element. “Would/willing” shows, they say, that the asker realizes the askee NEEDN’T do such a thing but is doing so as a favor.
They have another one they use when the asker has NO GOOD REASON for asking—that is, the asker is not swamped with work, but rather would prefer not to have to get up off the couch. In those cases they say “Would you be willing to SERVE me by bringing me a soda?”
If someone asked “Can you come unload the dishwasher?,” I would assume RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND. But I would also resent the question, because it sounds like I’m being summoned to work instead of loafing around doing nothing. I would prefer “Would you be willing to come unload the dishwasher?,” which I would still assume meant RIGHT NOW but which would cause me less bristling.
If the asker meant “at your leisure,” I would expect them to subtract “come” and add “when you have a chance.”
Oh, and if they asked and I COULDN’T come right at that moment, I would assume that required a reply such as, “Yes—I need to finish X first, but then I’ll be right there.”
I have no experience dealing with a spouse, but I’ll give this a shot anyway.
I think that I would use option 2 because it is more direct, and apparently men like/need directness.
I’d like to think that I would respond to either option 1 or option 2, but I think option 2 has a more immediate quality to it.
As for the dishwasher option, the word “come” denotes immediacy. So I would take this request to mean “Could you please come and unload the dishwasher right now.”
I would use option two and I would also put a time limit on it, like would you please take out the trash before tomorrow morning when the trash pickup comes? Otherwise we tend to have the problem of “oh, you meant RIGHT NOW?”
However, in our house (and I realize that we are unique), we really don’t do that sort of thing. If something is my job, it is always my job and if it is his job, then it is always his job. I mean, occasionally we ask “can I do anything for you?” (Matt asked me last night), but for the most part, we kind of already know what our stuff is supposed to be.
I usually will phrase the “request” as follows: “Honey, would you rather clean up the kitchen or give the baby a bath?” Then, it’s his choice (since I really don’t care) and both tasks get done simultaneously – no wiggle room for doing it later or not doing it at all.
And, I’m super-picky about hotel rooms and service, so PLEASE share your complaints!
I don’t have a strong preference for Option 1 or 2, but I think Option 2 is probably more clearly a request.
I think that if you ask someone to come do a chore, they should do it right away. My husband thinks if I ask him to do something like unload the dishwasher, I am actually saying, “Hey, sometime during the next year, could you unload the dishwasher?” And if he doesn’t do it within a few hours and so I remind him, then I am nagging him. But if I don’t remind him, then it is my fault if he doesn’t do it because how is he supposed to remember everything?! So, essentially, I do almost everything myself. Ahem. I seem to have gotten off track of your original question.
This has me giggling – only because i can see exactly how this works into our lives whenever one of us is motivated to do something (clean) and the other isn’t. So trying to convince the unmotivated individual is always a task in itself. So I would probably start with Option 2, but then move to Option 1 with more gumption if said task isn’t completed in a timely manner (which always depends on my mood…wonderful).
And on the dishwasher comment – I always say “yes” but tend to take my time unloading it unless it’s in dire circumstances…
I really can’t wait to hear what your picks are…do I fall on the good/bad side?
In our household, we sort of each have things we just do. I do laundry, he takes out the trash, usually I do dishes but when I can’t seem to get to it, he does it (because he can’t stand the mess any longer). On the rare occasion we ask these types of things, I usually just say ‘will you come take out the trash?’ and sometimes he does it right then, sometimes not. When he doesn’t, if I intend for him to do it right now, I step into his line of sight and say ‘now? please? so i can do XXX’. Otherwise, I just do whatever it is myself. I’ve found, with us, if I can’t find the time to do all the things that need doing…eventually the mess caused by that, will spur him into pitching in on his own. Probably sounds worse than it is, but I hate to be the nag about anything, so I’d rather do what I can and wait for him to catch on to the things I can’t quite get done.
When I was first reading this, I was thinking my comments would be along the lines of “You know I love you right? But I think that there is no difference between Option 1 and Option 2.” BUT then I read the comments and now I am seriously reconsidering my initial reaction.
To be honest, I never really think about how I phrase things, but maybe if I did it would cut down on some arguments Hubs and I have. We argue about each other’s “tone” a lot, because often we would have an option 3 that would sound something like this “Well, I guess if we try to fit one more piece of trash in the trashcan, we will LITERALLY BREAK THE BAG so I guess I’LL take the trash out.” I’m wondering if this post doesn’t get down to the heart of the issue there….hmmm….you’re making me think 🙂
So now that I’ve reconsidered, I think that while neither of your options are necessarily rude, I think that Option Two sounds more polite- and thankful, if that makes sense.
I’ll be interested to hear which option is “right”. 🙂
My boyfriend and I always ask in the form of a polite question. Usually it’s “Would you mind doing *insert thing*? We don’t have chores “assigned” to either of us, so asking him to clear out the dishes isn’t having him take over my responsibility, so there is no guilt of failure to do your “duty” associated with asking. Saying “I would appreciate it if you do this” does seem less polite and could easily be ignored, in my opinion. It’s on par with someone saying “I like cheese.” Ok, that’s nice!
Also, the timing on when that chore gets completed is usually understood to be at the person’s leisure, but before bed- unless the asker specifies that it needs to happen immediately for some reason.
Regarding the “Did you finish your work today?” question- I am totally with you on the irrational anger there. It feels to me like the person is making sure you are on top of your work. Excuse me, but I don’t need someone checking up on me. I am completely capable of doing what I need to do without being checked on. I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. In middle school I told my parents that if they ask me anything about how much homework I have, when I will do it, or if it is done- I will not do it. So, they left the subject alone and I did the work I was responsible for without being harassed about it. Ahh, stubbornness.
I would choose option 2. Option 1, to me, isn’t really asking them, its more just telling them and hope that they do it.
Where as option 2 is a direct question that needs an answer. I would go so far as to say when it needs to be done. i.e. now, just when you get the chance, beforebed, etc. Just so their isn’t any miscommunication about it.
One thing is my mom will ask me to do something but doesnt specify as to when it should be done. She gets upset because it wasnt done right away. If she specifies a time frame things are much better.
I would use/respond to either one, but I agree with the general commenting that option 2 is the “nicer” way to ask. I actually have the opposite reaction as Swistle; I think that I would bristle if someone was overly formal (in my perception) in asking me for something, because I would take it as them being sarcastic about me not doing it unasked. Whereas if they said “Hey, could you take out the trash?” I would either say “Sure” and do it, or “Sure, at the next commercial break/when I’m going outside next/etc” or “I can’t right now; can I do it later?” depending on what the situation requires.
I think that if you ask someone to do something and you don’t give a set time (“could you empty the dishwasher on your next trip to the kitchen?” for example) then you don’t really have a right to complain about when it gets done. Of course that doesn’t stop me from being annoyed about it.
I struggle with this sometimes because I feel like it is OUR house and so therefore he should be equally able to tell when something needs to be done (especially if it is his chore *cough*laundry*cough*), and I shouldn’t have to ask. So it’s sometimes hard to keep the snark out of my voice. I’m working on it.
Okay, maybe I’m misinterpreting the question because everyone else’s comments seem different than what I thought you were getting at. If you’re asking what my reaction would be to that question, it would be option A. If you said that to me, I’d assume you needed the dishwasher emptied right away. If I said that to my husband he’d say “Yeah, I’ll do it later.” And then probably forget to do it. But that’s beside the point. I think the question asked implies you want the chore done immediately.
I often say something like “would my wonderful, awesome, handsome husband like to do me a favor?” and then passively aggressively ask him to take out the trash. He often calls me on the passive aggressiveness, too.
If I’ve learned anything in my years as a teacher, it’s the importance of phrasing questions correctly. Tacking on the word please to a request is important, especially if you mean it. Option two is superior.
Also, if you want the chore done in a specified time frame, you need to put that in the request. Could you take out the trash before CSI starts? probably works better than could you take out the trash soon? Asking good questions is a difficult skill to learn.
I would probably prefer Option Two – it states the request and simply asks the other spouse to help me out, and that’s what I want in the end. Somehow the phrasing of the first indicates that the help is just that – and that it doesn’t offer the spouse doing the helping to be the gallant hero. Which is probably how it would break down in my house. When Hubs is able to save the day, he’s more likely to help out. 🙂
Me? I DEF say Option 2 because it’s very clear. The askee knows EXACTLY what the asker means.
And the dishwasher thing is absolutely a, unless you answer and say sure but let me finish X first.
Oh, and did I mention my husband and I are in therapy right now to iron out our communication differences? HA! It’s really helpful, though!
The trash question: I interpret them about the same and if either one of them was said to me I would say, “Sure, I’ll get right to it,” or “Sure, but can I finish x first?” or “Not right now, but after z,” or something similar. Because of the way my brain works (I like knowing whether help is actually coming or whether I will still end up being the one able to get to the chore first), I almost always answer by giving my expected time of task completion.
My boyfriend, however, does not interpret them the same. I know this because I tend to use option one more than option two. I prefer using option one because C is so busy and rarely gets time to relax and already does so much around the house that I don’t want to impose on him by outright asking him to do something. Because if I ask him to do something, he almost always will do it for me. So with option one, I feel like I am telling him that it would be a big help if he took the trash out and then if he wants to help me out he knows what I need, but if he doesn’t really want to take the trash out, he doesn’t need to feel guilty for telling me no (and if I use option one I don’t let myself get mad if he does not decide to take out the trash). So I feel like option one is a less demanding way of asking for help. My boyfriend does not agree.
Which is why, when I use option one, his response tends to be taking me by the shoulders, looking me in the eye, and saying, “BE DIRECT LILLY, BE DIRECT.” And then I’ll ask him in the format of option two and he will happily agree and all of a sudden the trash is at the curb. He much prefers option two because I am directly asking him to do what I need. I prefer option one when asking him to do something because I am not directly asking him to do what I need. I interpret them essentially the same so it makes no difference to me how he asks, but I think he tends to use option two because he’s a very direct person.
As for the dishwasher question: I feel like a direct question like that, without parentheticals like “when you get a chance” or “after Grey’s” or “before we go to bed,” is an immediate request and would either go unload the dishwasher then or would reply that I will do it and would like to do it at x point in time.
Option Three: “I’ll pay you ten dollars to take out the trash.”
Also, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! I meant to make it over here to properly wish you a happy day, but I FAILED. Sorry
Now I’m freaking out for two reasons:
1. I can’t remember if I wished you a happy birthday. If I didn’t, happy freaking birthday.
2. Oh my gosh I never thought about how I ask questions like that or how I am asked. Am I wrong in thinking there’s no difference? Or maybe it’s that I’m just too dense to appreciate the subtleties here?
Hm… I’m with you about this matter. C and I have been in a number of quarrels over his timing on completing helpful tasks. But it has never been about the phrasing of the request, more so about his timeliness in completing the task.
In my opinion, one phrasing suggests more of an urgency- the direct question: “Hey, can you take out the trash?” Direct questions sound a whole lot less like a pleasant, whenever you get around to it it would be nice if you did this type of request, but more of a “Hey- can you do this (now!)” type of request.
The other phrasing seems less urgent- the “Hey, it would really help me out if you could take the trash out.” It’s a more of a casual suggestion. It’s a- “Hey, if you could get to this today it would be awesome” type of thing, not a “I need this RIGHT NOW” type of thing.
I don’t think it matters HOW you request his help for a task- either way you are requesting it and, as he sounds like a good husband, he should do it. THAT being said, if you expect the chore done immediately, perhaps it would be more effective to ask in the more direct manner. If it doesn’t matter when it gets done, just that it gets done, you might ask in the less direct question type of way.
C and I now have an agreement at this point where we qualify our requests. If he’s working (playing) on his computer, and I need something done NOW, I will request his help directly (Can you take out the trash for me?) and then usually quantify that with (sometime in the next 5 or 10 minutes please?) (or, if I’m feeling irritable, now please?). If I just need it done SOMETIME in a given day, I give a more general request (Hey- sometime today can you take the trash out? It would really help me out.). Notice I still gave the stipulation of TODAY.
Anyway, you totally didn’t need my diatribe on the nuances of spousal requests, but alas, here they are. : )
I like how polite you are in your house. In my house we phrase things more like this – “I swear to god that if you don’t take out the damned trash I am going to leave you for the mailman.”
I’m kidding of course. Sort of.
I try to use option two when asking, or something similar to it. I suppose my phrasing would be along the lines of ‘Darling, while I’m doing X, please will you take out the trash?’ and he tends more towards ‘Please could you take out the trash?’ Or sometimes we have an unspoken trade off between tasks, so it’d be phrased like ‘The washing up needs to be done. Do you want to cook or shall I?’ meaning that one of us will wash up and the other will cook.
With the dishwasher question, I’d assume it needed doing right then and there, and would either go do it right then or express why I couldn’t do it right then and offer a time frame for when I could do it.
I think that he feels it’s more fair for him to do housework if I am also doing housework. He’s more prepared to do it if I’m busy at that very moment doing it too. This feels unfair to me, but it’s how it works.
Um, the options look EQUALLY superior. So emptying the trash is your job? You should remedy that ASAP. I would be really annoyed if he asked me to unload the dishwasher RIGHT NOW. If he wants it done RIGHT NOW he can do it himself. So I take my time, as in, do it before bed. 🙂 This is how I ask Q to take out the trash, “Hey Babe, can you take out the trash?” I don’t worry about SAYING that would help me out, it’s implied because it STINKS and needs done.
Brian has learned to recognize my, “OMIGOD I am so overwhelmed and need help” face. Normally when I’m in this mode, I fly around the house like a crazed lady on uppers. Brian normally stays out of my way for fear that I’m going to plow over or through him. When I’m in this mode my requests are usually phrased, “I NEED you to….take out trash, walk dog, fold laundry…,” etc. He usually answers with an “ok.” He doesn’t not dare say no. I could potentially grow horns and give him a pitch fork to the ass….
When not overwhelmed and looking for Brian to do something other than watch television the conversation normally goes:
Me: Honnnnnnnnnney?
Brian: Yeah?
Me: Will you do me a favorrrrrrr?
Brian: Sure.
Me: Will you unload the dishwasher for me. PLEEEZZE?
Brian: I can do that.
Me: Thanks. Luvvvvvvvvvvv you.
Brian: Love you.
ok, yeah, i can’t even GUESS which option could make someone mad… so, i don’t get it either. But, I’ve learned over the last 8 years of my relationship to pick my battles. So, I would just ask in whatever way was the most effective… but, just to be fair, that means I get to ask for two things instead of just one 🙂 And that, my friends, is compromise!
OMG! This caused an almost-fight last night between me and my husband! I have to ask him to do things ALL THE TIME! Mostly because I am the mom and I know what needs to get done and he doesn’t inherently know what to do. (Even though EVERY morning, I have the SAME requests.) Could you please brush the kids’ teeth? Could you please get the kids dressed? I ask him to do these things while I am busy doing something else that is equally important in getting us out the door on time. If I don’t order him around he will just check his fantasy baseball stuff all morning or even play with the kids…but he won’t get them ready to leave.
Anyway, I never know how to ask him. I used to try and be all nice about it. But he said I was too wordy and needed to just get to the point and spit it out. So, I started just asking in a simple, to the point kind of way. Then he felt like I was barking orders at him. I can’t win. So I told him about this post (and I LOVE Swistle’s solution of would/willing, BTW) and it started this looong discussion that went off in the wrong direction. I think I made him feel inadequate and he made me feel like I am not organized enough to delegate tasks properly….when I just want him to KNOW what he should be doing. Anyway, I appreciate this topic…clearly my husband and I need to work on our communication skills!
My husband is autistic and his communication skills are…interesting. In my family, we phrase requests in polite, passive ways: “The dishwasher needs to be emptied.” This does not work on my husband at all. He’s just like, “Oh, that’s interesting.” I have to specifically ask him and include all the relevant information: “Sweetie, please empty the dishwasher and put away the dishes before dinner at 6 pm.” Otherwise, he will empty it by putting everything on the counter and thinking he’s done or he’ll remember a week later. I have to give him deadlines or he doesn’t think it needs to happen anytime soon.
I feel rude, like I’m being demanding with him, but if I’m not specific enough, he just doesn’t do it. We’ve found what (mostly) works with us.