A few summers ago, my then-fiancé and I were visiting my parents out West. We were driving home from dinner. The road back to my parents’ cabin is narrow and winding, lined with tall, thin evergreens – lodgepole and Ponderosa pine, tamaracks – and a few silvery birch trees.
When the deer jumped out in front of us, my dad was able to slam on the brakes and miss her. We all sat there in the car, breathless, staring at this deer who stood frozen in the middle of the road.
And then we saw headlights coming toward us over the crest of a hill.
I screamed at my dad to flash his brights at them – warn them there was a danger ahead. Someone yelled at him to floor it – the deer was right there, and the other driver could see it at the last minute and swerve right into us.
He was just gaining speed when we heard the impact.
It was so clear – that sound… The other driver had hit the little doe head on.
The accident didn’t even faze the other driver. He just kept going.
I watched his taillights disappear in the rear-view mirror.
* * * * *
My little brother got a divorce.
I’m just going to say that here because it’s a fact. It’s over. And it’s not like there’s anything out of the ordinary about divorce. According to the CDC, 35 out of every 10,000 people will get a divorce. (The CDC statistics were confusing and, yes, BORING, so I stopped trying to figure out the percent of marriages that end in divorce. It’s something like 40 to 50 percent, according DivorceReform.org.) So it’s not an unusual or unheard-of thing. Happens to millions of people. Life goes on. Blah dee blah.
Anyway, I’m not going to talk about his divorce because a) it’s none of my business and b) it’s not my story to tell. Suffice it to say, it came as a surprise to me.
And ever since, I’ve been feeling sort of precarious… Like I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff.
I’ve been obsessing… Reading articles and blog posts about marriage and marriage problems and divorce… Worrying over my marriage, wondering if I’m doing everything I can to ensure we stay together forever… Crying about how fragile marriage is and how I never realized it until now.
Any little teasing comment from my husband can tip me over into tears… Any movie or book or blog post that talks lightly about marriage or divorce can drive me into a fury…
And last night I had this horrific dream where my husband decided it was over and I was literally on my knees in front of him, begging and crying for him to take me back.
I guess what I’m saying is, marriage and divorce have just become this Huge, Inescapable, Serious Thing for me these days.
* * * * *
I’ve probably already said it in this space, but I think marriage is idealized to an absurd degree in our country. Television, books, movies… They all paint marriage as the happy ending. The goal. The finish line.
You find your soul mate. You get married. Then you ride off into the glorious sunset forever and ever the end.
But that’s not what marriage is.
I know this. I know that marriage is a starting point. It takes work – like any relationship, like any worthwhile venture. It requires nurturing and attention and dedication and perseverance.
For me, the “goal” was never marriage… The “goal” is to create a loving, mutually supportive, mutually respectful partnership – one that lasts for the remainder of our lives.
And listen… I KNOW that sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes you can pour your heart and soul into a marriage and it still ends. Sometimes there are other reasons to dissolve your marriage – abuse, addiction, infidelity.
I don’t think that people who stay married for life are BETTER than people who get divorced… Maybe they were luckier. Maybe they had different values. Maybe ten thousand different variables just lined up in the right way.
(Although I DO think that SOME marriages – and resulting divorces – are the result of lack of planning or forethought… And I DO think that some people don’t respect marriage the way I do… So there’s that.)
(But if you are reading this and YOU are divorced, please don’t take this as judgmental. I couldn’t pretend to understand what you went through or why you chose that path.)
(GAH. This isn’t making any sense at all.)
(Lucky you, to have the JOY and PRIVILEGE of reading my incoherent ramblings.)
* * * * *
The incident with the deer traumatized me. Right after it happened, I got sort of hysterical. I was crying and screaming about the other driver – how could he DO that? why didn’t he STOP? – and my mom and my then fiancé were patting me and soothing me and I was inconsolable. (Which seems ridiculous, in retrospect.)
And for years after it happened, I couldn’t be in a car without being hyper-vigilant about watching the trees at the side of the road. Panic would pile up just beneath the surface, and if I saw the bushes sway or if I saw a very deer-like fence post, my heart would start jack hammering and I’d get all shaky.
Once – driving to my in-laws’ house for a weekend of wedding dress fittings – a deer leapt over the guardrail on the side of the freeway just in front of my car… and paused there before turning a 180 and leaping back into the woods. I nearly passed out, right there in the driver’s seat.
I’ve thought a lot about why the deer incident bothered me so much.
And I think it goes a lot deeper than just the physical danger.
There’s the fact that you can be minding your own business… doing the right thing… and something can leap out and cause so much devastation. Sometimes you can swerve away… take a moment to breathe… and then get back on course…
But sometimes there’s broken glass and crushed metal and blood and even death.
There’s also the fact of that other driver. The one who didn’t slow down, who plowed right through that poor little creature, who kept on going as though he hadn’t just destroyed a life.
* * * * *
Holy cats, Internet. Could I get any more melodramatic or hyper-sensitive?
I just… This has all been weighing so heavily on my mind.
I do my best. I try very hard to put my marriage first. To work at it. To think about the future. To become a better person and a better wife.
And I do believe my husband and I are happy. That our marriage is strong. That we’ve got a good solid foundation built on shared values and goals… one that could withstand any metaphorical deer that are hiding in the shadows.
But I want to know for certain. I want to be sure that whatever happens – illness, job loss, children, tragedy – we will face it together. That we will always put our marriage first. That we will hunker down and press forward, even if we have bad weeks or months or years. That we will never consider divorce as an option. That death will be the only thing to part us.
But the fact is, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in store for us. And I don’t know how we’ll handle the hardships we encounter.
That terrifies me.
* * * * *
We’re on this journey, driving down this tree-lined road together, with beauty all around us.
I know if I’m constantly scanning the trees, I’ll miss out on treetops flaming in the sunset or the way the snow glitters in the starlight.
So I can only hope that we travel safely. That we are able to spot the deer before we hit her. That we’re able to steer safely around anything that leaps into our path.
“I’ve probably already said it in this space, but I think marriage is idealized to an absurd degree in our country. Television, books, movies… They all paint marriage as the happy ending. The goal. The finish line.”
Could not agree with you more and I think the reasons people get married these days can be really damaging from the get go. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case with you though and I think in many ways… loving someone is about choice, determination and perseverance and in the end… if you have that, I think you are way ahead of most of the world. Sorry to hear about your brother
(1) my sister in law hit a deer in my mother in law’s brand new car on the way to the lake house on Sunday. She’s fine. Car isn’t.
(2) It’s always very scary to be in a transitional spot in life, whether relationship, career, living situation, etc. It puts extra stress on our bodies and especially our minds, which carries over into everything we do–including relationships. It sounds like you have a really strong hold on everything and will be just fine!
I couldn’t agree with you more – on everything.
I ended my first marriage. ME. It was hard, we were fighting a lot, we were both young, and it wasn’t the fairytale that I thought it should be. So, I just up and left. No trying to work things out, no nothing.
Now, I look back and realize how horrible of a person that made me and how much that hurt and probably scarred my exhusband. Lord knows it scarred me – and I’m the one who left.
Now, I think, what if my husband (I remarried) just gives up on our marriage just like I gave up on my first marriage? Since it’s my husband’s first marriage, I’m constantly wondering if he thinks this is more like a nightmare than the fairytale he imagined. Which, honestly is stupid, because this hasn’t been a nightmare. It’s been dang HARD, for sure, but not a nightmare.
Then, a few weeks back, he called me out on it – he said it seemed like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop (or the deer to jump out in front of me). It’s true, I am. I too obsess over the “what ifs” and wonder if we’ll make it till death do us part.
So, all of that to say, I completely understand everything you just said and feel the same way.
I’ve seen divorce from a different angle – my parents.
They had the WORST divorce in history – court battles, restraining orders, fights (physical and verbal). My mother left but had good reason. The icing on the cake was when she learned of his mistress (not his first) when she was 7 months pregnant with my sister.
I believe that some divorces are inevitable. I am almost at the age my mother was when she was married to a deadbeat, mother to a 6 year old, and pregnant with another. I often think about her life, and how it was to live in her shoes.
If I were her, I would have killed him, and the mistress. How she found the courage to live through it, support two children on her own, and keep on breathing EVERY DAY is beyond my understanding.
Going through my parents never-ending divorce (it took years) was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.
When I chose Brian I made sure I was choosing a man that was the complete opposite of my father……
So I originally had a point to this comment – but I forget what it was……I think I’m trying to say that the man you married is a wonderful man and you chose him because of the man he is. You’ll be able to swerve around any deer or issues that come your way 🙂
Well said.
Umm…thanks for making me cry in my office…at least it was in my office and not in a library or something.
I’ve hit 2 deer in my lifetime. 2! They were both unavoidable and both left me crying tears. 1 totaled my car, the other didn’t.
My parents got a divorce when I was younger. I’ve had quite a different life from those who have gone through divorces (my Dad picked up and left everything-family, friends, job, LIFE-in Italy to move to the US so my sister and I wouldn’t grow up without a Father). THAT’s love.
I realize that during my relationship right now I have an extremely high standard…and I think that’s harmful to an extent. “issues” and “ruts” come and go…I think I worry too much, and stress over the small things – I want things to be perfect (I realize that’s impossible). Also, going from beginning as a long-distance couple to living together makes for some tough situations at times.
I thought I was going somewhere with this…but I guess it’s that I loved this post because I felt it really made sense to me today…on a day when my relationship isn’t on the top of the mountain but rather at the bottom of the valley.
This sums up pretty much exactly how I feel about the whole thing. And this made me close to tears. I’m one month away from the wedding and I’m a bit of an emotional wreck 😉
You have a real talent for conveying emotion in your writing, my friend. You make me smile and cry both at the same time. And that’s a skill!
I have so much to say about this. SO MUCH.
1. I totally agree with you about marriage being idealized. It starts with the whole wedding industry, making brides feel like they have to have this Cinderella-type wedding. Marriage sucks sometimes. There. I said it. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes you wonder how you’re going to get through it and sometimes you wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to walk away. BUT it is so worth it. SO worth it. I agree that some things just aren’t meant to last. But I think a lot of people give up way too easily. As flippantly (is that a word? Probably not.) as some people get married, they get divorced. A lot of marriages could probably be saved if people were willing to do the work.
2. Your paragraph about wanting to know your marriage is strong enough made me cry. One of the first thoughts I had in the hours after my brother died was “I don’t know if my marriage is strong enough to withstand this.” And throughout the subsequent years and all of the other hardships we faced, I had that thought many times. But we stuck with it, and we did the work. And we’re better for it. We know now that we can get through anything.
3. When bad things happen, you just both have to be willing to do what it takes, even if it means counseling or time apart, or whatever. You just both have to agree to not give up.
4. Please quit making me cry. 🙂
First- It’s comforting to see that someone else thinks marriage just plain sucks sometimes. (And is just plain amazing other times)
Second- When my brother passed away my husband and I had only been dating for a year. I was so worried our relationship wouldn’t survive the grieving process, but I think it made us stronger, too.
Is it just me or do those feelings of loss and sadness over your brother sneak up again when you are having a serious argument with your husband??
(maybe I’m just weird)
Wow, that was moving. Your post today really resonated with me. I’m heading towards a huge transition in my life, entering into marriage myself, and I do have that fear that you’ve expressed here. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I want T and I to have as solid a foundation as humanly possible and understand that there will be obstacles in the way but know that we can stand by each other through them. And we should never give up, no matter how hard it gets.
I really appreciate your honesty here. I have too many friends who have entered into marriages too quickly or for the wrong reasons only to have them end less than a year later. I couldn’t agree with the statements you’ve made in here more.
EVERY time I hear about a divorce or even a separation I get nervous and upset and stomachachey. I question everything. Oh, and if I READ about the divorce/separation on a BLOG it’s almost worse. Because you think you KNOW! But you don’t! It’s awful! And every single time I have to park my husband on a couch and say, “ARE WE OKAY? ARE WE OKAY?”
wow. i won’t tell my story here- that’s what i have a blog for.
suffice it to say that i am, unfortunately, an expert on this topic.
i think that what i will say here is that as hard as it is, particularly in the face of a failed marriage that hits close to home….
your best insurance against divorce is forcing yourself to enjoy the scenery and immerse yourself in the present moment.
because the truth is that no one know what the future holds, but it is easier to navigate and survive any future hardships or trouble with the most solid foundation of love, trust and honesty you can build.
and you can’t concentrate on your love if you are focusing on your fear.
fear is the antithesis of love. love is the antithesis of fear.
so, as someone who never in a million years thought she would be divorced at thirty, i’m begging you…
when you are afraid, love harder. love until there is no more room for fear. not in a clingy, hypersensitive, melodramatic way (which is, btw, one of my specialties!). love in a true, genuine, confident, grateful manner. chasing the fear away is a struggle, sure, but focusing on your fear means that you are concentrating hardest on the one thing you want to avoid the most.
love until there is no fear left, or at least until you’ve pushed it to the dark recesses.
let love rule. 🙂
I really like this line: “when you are afraid, love harder. love until there is no more room for fear.” Thank you for sharing this with us.
I think the only thing that will keep me from having those same worries, the worry that I’m not working hard enough to keep it together, will be to be in couples therapy.
It sounds scary, but after being in individual therapy I realize how powerful therapy is, and how healing. And if this can be so good for me, then I know it will be great for a relationship. You don’t have to be in a bad place to have a therapist, they just work to keep you both on track through good and bad.
You put this beautifully. Especially about people taking marriage lightly. Too many of the people my age are with someone a few months get married and then soon after split up. I know someone, who when questioned about getting married after only knowing the guy 5 months, said, “if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just divorce him. no big deal.” I almost flipped out.
I think because you are worried about wanting to make sure you are doing everything you can, you know the potential for problems, and will be able to work through them. Just make sure to also enjoy the time now.
Reading this post, I have no idea what to comment. Anything I write will just be sitting here, contrasted to your so well written words, and come out looking stupid.
So I almost didn’t comment.
But I wanted you to know that I read it.
And it’s thought-provoking, and well done.
So, thanks.
I agree so strongly with you. I feel like the divorce rate is so high because people have unrealistic expectations. You have to know that sometimes it’s not going to be as blissful as the wedding day (it might even be miserable)…but to share your whole life with one person is amazing and worth the struggle.
Don’t doubt your marriage. I think the mere fact that you dread divorce is a sign that you didn’t take those vows lightly.
(our pre-Cana instructor said “Every marriage can last forever, you just have to put in the effort.”)
Yet another thought-provoking post, Mrs. D.
I only have one friend going through a divorce right now but, as much as I hate to say it, I expected it to happen and I am SO happy for her because her soon-to-be ex was/is a DB. I think my friend — and her ex — felt that marriage would solve their relationship problems. This is more concerning to me than people who are happy while dating, happy while married and then just throw in the towel for no apparent reason. But who am I to know what really happens? The cliche is true: You never know what happens behind closed doors.
If I were in your position — with a sibling going through a divorce — I’d probably start (irrationally) questioning my own marriage, too. Things like this hit so close to home that it’s scary. But you just have to focus on the strength of what you have. That said, I worry about “deer” sometimes too — moving to a new city, him starting a brand new career, kids one day… how will this affect our cozy, snug relationship? So I feel you. But I’d also like to stick my head in the sand and enjoy what we have in the right now 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about that. The statistics are so scary…but in the end they’re just statistics and we can only focus on our own relationships which will, hopefully, end in happily ever after!
Marriage is hard. I love my husband and he loves me, but this marriage thing is WORK.
When I was engaged, I quite frequently had a dream that my then-fiance died and his family wouldn’t let me in to the funeral and I had to sneak in the back. I sometimes still have this dream. I think it’s just my way of reminding myself to remember how much I love him and to make sure I show him that.
There’s a wonderful short movie starring Robin Wright as a nurse (It’s called “Room 10”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YfAZTLk-OI). She has a late night conversation with an older man who is at his wife’s deathbed. Robin’s character is sleeping in her car rather than going home to her husband. During the conversation the older man tells her that his wife taught him what marriage was all about. He’d gotten fired and then depressed and ended up leaving the family for two years. When he came back, his wife told him, “No matter what, you got to stay in the room.”
Marriage is hard (but worthwhile) work. If you can find someone else committed to staying in the room with you, no matter what happens, you can make it work. That’s true on a practical level, but even more true on an emotional level. If a spouse has an affair, they were looking for fulfillment outside. If your husband gets overwhelmed and withdraws, but then chooses to reinvest, he’s choosing to stay in the room. It’s as simple and as hard as that.
I’ve definitely seen from a personal level how fragile it can be. We had a day where I literally was trying to figure out who I could call for a place to stay. I chose instead to remain in our house and to read a book next to the man I hated that day. I read and I cried and over time and later marriage counseling, we both “remained in the room”. And now, 13 years later, we have this amazing peace together of knowing that we ARE known and yet still loved. It’s been about hundreds of choices that have added up to a well-earned contentment.
Watching for danger makes so much sense, but it’s the wrong focus. As you hinted at the end, keep your eye open for the things to be grateful for and the places of joy together.
I think you’ve got the right idea about marriage. It’s work, a whole lot of work and worrying about it isn’t going to do much change to the end result. All we can really do is put in our 110%, the rest is up to God or fate for those who don’t believe in God.
I remember when I was about 16 a friend of our’s was found shot in the head. It was eventually ruled a suicide (though he died from a gunshot wound to the head-not sure how he inflicted that on himself) He was the most awe inspiring perfect real person, open and caring, one of those people who when you hear the news, the shock just takes your breath away. I remember thinking that if he could be in a dark place enough to do such a thing, then how much more fragile must other people be who I was close to…siblings, friends, parents. That worry stuck in my mind for years!
I can’t predict the future, but I can be almost sure you, your husband, and your marriage will be fine. You’re focused on it. Never become complacent in your relationship. Use it as a tool to grow, individually, and together. Change is a good thing, as long as it is good change. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I hope it does.
And I freak out about deer too. My dad once hit one because it was night, on a street with no lights, and it just jumped out in front of him. The deer walked away just fine, but my Dad’s car was pretty beat up. 😦
Thanks for writing this – it was brilliant. Your idea of marriage is an inspiration for me, so really, even though you had different intentions while writing this, just know that I really appreciated it so much. And while I’m greatly sorry about this whole situation for you, your brother, and your entire family, I hope that it was therapeutic to get it all out.
You sound like an amazing wife to your husband, and he sounds like an amazing man for you. Thanks for being such a great example of a deeply in love couple.
Loved this. Just…LOVED.
I feel EXACTLY like this. When my husband started law school, all I ever heard about marriages in law school was DIVORCE, DIVORCE, and you know, more DIVORCE. I read everything I could get my hands on, which, at least in regards to law school marriages, is not much. There’s tons and tons of anecdotal evidence (“Everyone in my section who was married at the start of school was divorced by the end of it”), but that was about it. (Although lawyers do have a higher rate of divorce than doctors, and of doctors, the group with the highest rate of divorce are psychologists, the next highest are female doctors who married during med school.) (Doctors who marry other doctors have higher rates of success.) (There seems to be a lot more research on medical marriages than legal ones.)
We’re participating in a three-year study of newlyweds, and every six months we fill out a 50-page packet. I can’t remember exactly how the question is worded, it’s something like “my marriage is fragile,” agree or disagree, but I can tell that if I answer it honestly, it will be considered a negative response. Even though I feel like every single day that passes, our marriage grows stronger, I become more and more aware of just how fragile this life, this trust, this bond is. I still don’t know how to answer that question.
I think we are stronger than most, more grounded than most, respect marriage more than most, but I have no disillusions that it could fall apart if not carefully nurtured, and is why I am so careful to fight fair. We disagree plenty, argue our fair share, but we do it fairly. There is no door-slamming, no crying (if I feel like I’m going to cry, I go to the other room and get it together, I’ve learned once I start crying our disagreement escalates into a full fight), and keeping it calm helps us avoid saying hurtful things, things we regret the instant it comes out of our mouth. Because those tiny things you say in the heat of the moment? I think it’s like a tiny crack in a jar. One tiny crack will not hurt the integrity of the jar, but over time, over dozens and dozens of fights and dozens of hurt feelings, the jar will shatter.
*I hope this comment isn’t going to be too personal to where you think I am weird.*
When I read this post all I could think about was my only deer experience, and it wasn’t even MY experience. It was my good friend’s. So smart, graduated college in 3 years and while were all spending our senior year together she was off doing Teach For America and saving the world. Then, one day, she was driving down the road and a deer ran out in front of her. She swerved to miss it, because that is who she was, that was her gut reaction. Unfortunately at that very second a semi truck was coming the opposite direction and neither of them could stop in time. The deer lived. My friend did not.
And for years all I could think about was how selfless she was to not hit that god damn dear. She didn’t even think about herself and the semi coming right at her. Her first instinct was to save the deer.
I think my obsession with marriage is the opposite. I fear losing myself. I fear trying to miss the deer and then losing myself in the process.
Its all about balance, you know?
Lovely, thought-provoking post.
I think that watching my parents’ divorce as a child led to our extra-long courtship/engagement. “I just don’t want to get divorced” is something I have said, to myself and out loud, many times. I do think that just by virtue of worrying about such things, and thus putting effort into preventing a potential divorce, you’re on the right track. Nothing is wholly preventable, though, and in some cases (my parents’ case included) divorce can be a good thing. I’d rather get divorced than suffer in an unhappy marriage, but most of all, I’d like to keep my marriage happy!
What a post, and somehow I missed it! bah. I’m blaming it on teething. Marriage is WOW. I love it. Currently Q and I are listening online to a sermon series on marriage and divorce. It is amazing! I do let Q down, and he lets me down, we are HUMAN. We vowed before we were married to never use the word divorce in regards to us, it just isn’t an option. I’m not judging your brother, I’m so sorry that this is happening, but I am saying that we can all do things to make our marriages stronger.
Wow. What a great post. I wish I had something eloquent to add, but I don’t… I just wanted to let you know that your writing really touched me today. I feel the same way.
I totally get what you are saying. Someone close to me is going through a divorce and does kind of change your perspective on everything.
This is a great post.
I’m glad you gave me the link to this post, I loved it! So thought-provoking. There really are no guarantees.