I have about a million words of partial and near-complete blog posts written (fact check: 7,066 words) and yet instead of finishing any of them I am going to write a few words of nonsense.
Partly this is because I spent all day finishing Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. I am in that peculiar funk of appreciation, marvel, and sadness that follows finishing a really good book. It was SO GOOD that I want to take you by the shoulders and force you to read it. However, this novel came out in 2015 so everyone has read it already but me, including my husband. It was a finalist for the National Book Award, for Pete’s sake, and there’s already a miniseries based on the novel. So I’m a little grumpy that it’s done and that I can’t force you to read it and that it’s unlikely you and I can even discuss it because you probably read it so long ago.
After our recent snowfall, we have had very unseasonably warm weather. My mom and I went for many walks this week, with nary a jacket. I took my walk without her. It was pleasant – the air was cool, the sun was warm, neighbors were out in shorts and T-shirts putting up Christmas décor (is this what it’s like to live in Florida?) and mowing their lawns. But it was also a little sad, because my parents left this morning so I was walking alone.
(Also, while I do okay during the walking, my feet are in agony after I get home and sit for a few minutes.)
My father fixed our horribly broken and embarrassing gates while he was here, and undertook some other repairs, and my mother was such a huge help in the kitchen, approaching pie baking and sweet-potato mashing and gravy whisking with such efficient good nature. They are so good with Carla, playing games with her and coming up with sewing and repair projects for her to participate in. They stayed with her overnight so my husband and I could go on a mini-getaway, and the getaway was LOVELY and restorative and too quick. I am feeling so grateful for them and yet behind the gratitude is this shadow of panic, a shadow of despair because I am far too aware that they won’t always be around. There’s no reason to think they won’t continue to be with me for many, many years! And yet the specter of that dark future without them is lurking there in the background and sucking some of the color out of everything.
I am trying to ignore it.
I ate the last of the mashed potatoes this morning, which is good; the potatoes themselves were good, and it is good that they are gone. I am weary of Thanksgiving food, even though all I did was eat it on Thanksgiving and then have a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy for two consecutive breakfasts. I just don’t enjoy Thanksgiving food and am craving something with crisp colorful vegetables and SPICE. Not enough to make anything though; we are ordering pizza for dinner.
We still have remnants of guests: far too much fancy cheese in the fridge, a few sips of eggnog, an unopened bottle of pomegranate juice. I bought a bottle of gingerbread cream liqueur on a whim a few weeks ago, and we each had a glass of that this week; it wasn’t really good enough for a second glass, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw it out yet. The pumpkin pie is long gone (it was delicious, although it made the roof of my mouth itch), and Carla ate the remainder of the cranberry sauce. My husband will continue to chip away at the stuffing and turkey remnants, and I think there’s a tiny bit of gravy left for him as well.
In addition to reading and walking and feeling glum, I’ve been doing laundry all day. We let it pile up over the week. Our bed is already freshly made; I saw my husband trudge upstairs with all of Carla’s clean bed linens, but I am not confident that he made her bed. I really need to strip the guest bed and launder all the linens, so it will be fresh when my mother-in-law arrives in a week. The clothing is still all in piles everywhere; this week will be full of – my favorite and yours – excessive folding.
Today was a nice day, I would say. The three of us interacting only occasionally, otherwise engaged in separate pursuits in our separate quiet areas of the house or neighborhood (Carla spent a fair amount of time in the backyard or out riding her bike). My husband and I each did some gift buying, and submitted our gift lists to his side of the family; my parents brought our gifts when they came for Thanksgiving. And I, being wildly on top of things for the first time ever, had already done all the shopping and was able to send them home with their gifts from us.
We have tomorrow to (dis-)engage in similar activities, finish the laundry, tidy the basement. And then it’s back to normal, until my mother-in-law arrives. (She is fine; just coming for quarterly tests and scans.) I am really, really looking forward to normalcy. It has been too long since I’ve written anything other than a blog post. I am eager to get back to a more moderate and less carb-heavy meal plan. Carla needs to be back in school.
It’s still November, and I have my husband’s gifts almost covered. I have already purchased a gift for each of my sisters-in-law. As I mentioned, my parents are taken care of. Our holiday cards arrived and are lovely, and just need to be addressed and mailed.
All is well. And yet, I have that slumped over feeling of petulant lowness that sometimes follows a really nice vacation or a really nice visit or a lovely holiday.
Hopefully it passes soon. Perhaps some pomegranate margaritas will help, what do you think?
What are you up to this weekend? Does anyone else have a bit of a holiday hangover?
It seems as though I am doing NaBloPoMo this month, which is 30 blog posts in 30 days. (Will I make it??? Only time will tell.) Details at San’s blog here.
life of a doctor's wife 
I am envious of your traditional Thanksgiving food since I had Thai with my mother and younger daughter after several cancellations of meals at various people’s houses. (due to illnesses and a premature baby, so good reasons) I too loved “Station Eleven” and made both my ex and current boyfriend read it. It was such a look at civilization and what is important to humanity when so much has been destroyed.
Oh Suzanne! I want to climb through the screen and give you a great big hug.
I really appreciate posts like this and regularly fall into slumps after holidays/vacations.
Even though it’s not Thanksgiving in Canada, I have felt “slumpy” all day today. It was cold and grey and so bleak. Everything looked very sad outside and once I got cold (in the morning), I stayed cold until I took a shower tonight. I just wanted to climb into bed and hibernate.
I also increasingly feel a sense of panic/sadness/bittersweetness (you name it, I feel it!) when I spend time with my parents. They’re definitely slowing down; more aches and pains and various health complications. Our time together is wonderful! We have a great time, but there is a shadow that creeps into my mind and I feel like I have to grasp tightly onto the moments and never let them go because, what if it’s the last? I want the kids to have deep, layered memories with their grandparents and so I feel slightly frantic about the need to stop/slow time. It doesn’t overwhelm me, but it IS this tiny, ever-present (even if it’s subconscious) thought whenever we’re together now. It wasn’t there even a few years ago, but now I can’t shake it. This summer when we were visiting them at their house on the lake where I spent all my summers growing up…I couldn’t get rid of an ache in my heart.
I think I’m also feeling a bit overwhelmed by the next month. I try to keep things as simple as possible, but we have a busy week ahead and it’s complicated logistically. It’s all good things, which makes me feel worse about lamenting in advance. We have to practice for a Christmas choir. My parents arrive for the winter. All the regular extracurriculars are still running despite the start of holiday events. I know I’m going to be absolutely exhausted and there really isn’t anything obvious to cut out this week.
I think I’ll be feeling fine tomorrow, but after feeling “off” today, it really helped to hear another voice who understands!
I totally get it. This too shall pass, but it’s natural to slump. You don’t have to feel guilty or try to come up with 25 things you’re grateful for at the moment.
I’m so glad you made the space and time for many special moments with your parents, and that Carla was there to bring such joy to everyone and receive love and attention and store up great memories.
And yes, maybe a pomegranate margarita would help?!
Pomegranate margaritas will definitely help.
First, I have not read Station Eleven! I know! But I was going to and a friend who knows my reading taste very well said gravely that I should not, it was not a book for me. I don’t do well with dystopian books, and that warning was enough for me.
I feel your sadness about your parents leaving. It sounds like such a lovely time with them, plus a getaway! And now they’re gone and I understand the slump. My parents are relatively young and in pretty decent health, considering my mom is a lifelong heavy smoker and my dad has had a lot of skin cancer removed. But yet I do worry that time is running out. Hashtag angst.
I think post holiday slump is really a thing, and made worse by mountains of laundry. Sending love and folding fairies! xoxoxo
Oh, big hugs (not bug hugs, stupid fingers, and yet sort of amusing). And commiseration, naturally. I inevitably have post-holiday crash, although not today because, no holiday for us. I am further along in life and having parents than you, and my family is wonderful and love hanging out together and the spectre of my parents not being here has become realer and realer recently, so feeling you on that too.
Also adored Station Eleven, and I don’t know if it’s too soon (because I read it with everyone else years ago, which is very much not always the case), but although I couldn’t get into The Glass Hotel at all, I recently read Sea of Tranquility and it gave me that same rapturous transported feeling, so maybe put it on your list?
I am sad the holiday week is almost over. Thinking about packing school lunches next week does not seem particularly appealing. We just got home from our trip to visit friends and now everything needs to be put away again and the laundry is waiting (sigh).
We got back from the beach yesterday. It was lovely. North is recovering from covid and Beth and I are getting sicker, which is making it harder to tackle all the weekend chores we came home on a Saturday so we could do. But on the plus side, Beth didn’t have to drive sick because we were in pretty good shape yesterday.
I’m trying to figure out my game plan for today. Should I be ambitious and go to some museums or should I burrow in at home and start a puzzle?
Station Eleven has been on my TBR for YEARS. I’ve read other books of hers that I liked very much, so there’s no reason why I haven’t gotten to it yet besides that I just haven’t. And also no reason why it can’t be the next thing on my reading list! Especially since it’s practically a guarantee that I can get it on Libby. There are advantages to being a late adopter when it comes to books.
I haven’t read Station Eleven either, but from reading the start of it, it seems kind of dark? I’m not in a place for that right now; I’ve been doing a lot of comfort reading, light and cheerful. I go through phases like that, you know? But I’m glad that it worked for you right now.
I’ve felt slump-y all of November, truth be told. We had a nice dinner for two on Thanksgiving and now I’m feeling more energized, like I’ve finally accomplished something. I do like your idea of pomegranate margaritas, though– even if I am feeling less slump-y.
Station Eleven is SO GOOD. I rarely say that I wish a book were longer, but I wanted MORE of that book and I also went into a funk after I finished the book. Maybe you should call it a post-awesome book instead of a post-Thanksgiving funk.
*wriggles in her seat excitedly* I have also “recently” read Station Eleven and thoroughly enjoyed it and would be happy to discuss (although “recently” might be a stretch as I would have to thumb through it to refresh my memory before said discussion). Oddly enough, I thought you had recommended the book when I bought it – apparently not.
Christmas – oh hell. I am SO behind the eight ball on this one that I wonder if it will all get done. But, I just keep telling myself that somehow every year it does and hope for the best.
I am posting a review on my book blog Wednesday, Gigi! Would LOVE to chat about it with you!!!
And yes, it all gets done, somehow.
I’ve pulled out my copy to refresh my memory. This gives me the perfect excuse to ditch the horrifyingly dull book that I am currently reading.
First of all, how do you make it sounds like the most laid-back, fun family weekend while at the same time accomplishing ALL THE THINGS?
Second, I didn’t love Station Eleven. It was good, but it was way too hyped up for me (I read it about 5 years ago0 and I had too many open questions at the end.
Third, I feel you… on the holiday hangover and especially on the shadow of panic/despair/sadness every time I spend time with my parents. They’re in good health and will hopefully be around many more years, but in the last few years, I have really felt the heaviness of living so far away from them, seeing them so rarely and spending so little time with them, knowing that one day they’ll be gone and I will miss them terribly. I try not to dwell on it, but hat feeling is there, always, every time I talk to them.
Fully agree and understand the feeling of worry and pre-despair about the parents thing. We see my parents a lot, but they are also 72 now and while currently in great health, it has started to worry me more and more that you just never know. I wish I could just freeze time. Things are so good right now- my boys are at fun ages, my parents are healthy…. every year that passes seems to fly by and while this never used to bother me, it feels like we are being hurtled down this path to somewhere I don’t really want to go! To think that in a mere 8 years they will be… 80…. is mind blowing and freaks me out. I hate the idea of things changing or them slowing down or worse. I have occasional thoughts too about how I will ever manage eventually when they are gone one day- I literally cannot stand the thought. Clearly people go through that all the time, but it seems literally impossible to bear.
I didn’t host so I don’t have that holiday hangover, plus there is so much stuff going on in December that I’m trying to be like a duck – calm on the surface, but paddling like mad underneath. I think think about more than a week at a time right now or I will get stressed – but I’d be getting stressed about fun things! We just came off a very very full holiday weekend so I am savoring a week of work w/ children in childcare. We have things going on every day from Wed-Sat so there is alot coming down the pike. But the work days will be lovely for me!!
I hope the holiday hangover subsides soon. I get that way when my parents stay with us!
Hi! I get total holiday hangovers. This year we celebrated on Sunday which was sad because it was straight to work the next day. I wanted to write more but just came here quickly to say I have been reading and enjoying your blog but haven’t been able to comment because I couldn’t remember my wordpress password. Today I remembered I could reset it. Thanks for all your lovely posts and comments during NaBloPoMo! I’ve really enjoyed following your writing.
A pomegranate margarita sounds just amazing!
There is such a build up and rush before the holidays, then the day comes and goes. It does leave one with a weird feeling. I’ve been in and out of the laundry all day and lets just say: I’m over it. Your visit with your parents sounds just so perfect; making good memories with Carla.
Yes, it’s just like that in Florida, wearing shorts and t-shirts, but we be sweating down here right now.
“I am feeling so grateful for them and yet behind the gratitude is this shadow of panic, a shadow of despair because I am far too aware that they won’t always be around. There’s no reason to think they won’t continue to be with me for many, many years! And yet the specter of that dark future without them is lurking there in the background and sucking some of the color out of everything.” <– God, THIS IS MY LIFE. This is my biggest anxiety. I want to simply ENJOY the time I have with my people. Just today, I was thinking about how there will be a time in the future (near? far?) when I won't get to buy Christmas presents for my mom and my brother. BECAUSE THEY'LL BE DEAD. That's where my brain goes. It is so dumb.
My brother put up the Christmas lights outside my mom's house in shorts and a tank top, and he was sweating profusely. Ahh, Florida!
I really liked Station Eleven! I didn't expect to, but it was so good. And I hear the miniseries is really well done, too.
I haven’t read Station Eleven but I have it downloaded! You can convince me! 🙂
And yes yes yes yes the anticipatory anxiety about my parents not being here is REAL. I can’t even stand to think about it – but it’s bad enough that unexpected phone calls are answered with “What’s going on? Are you okay?” Because I am so afraid that they are not okay. (And, admittedly, they have called from the *hospital* before when I didn’t know anything was wrong! Gaaaahhhh….)
Thanksgiving and Christmas shopping is all over and so I don’t have much to say about it now…
But the book Station Eleven – still haven’t read it. It is sitting on my kindle since 2017! And for two years it’s been on my reading list for the year. Third time is a charm, right? I am putting it down for 2023 after reading your enthusiasm.