My in-laws have left and my house is very, very quiet. I can walk around in my jammies again and eat a burrito for breakfast without feeling like my sanity is being questioned and I am hopeful that I will stop feeling quite so hateful toward my husband when I unload/rinse/load dishes. Overall, it was a pleasant visit; my in-laws are pretty amiable and easy, and it is not their fault at all that my husband and I are introverts for whom extended company is very wearying. Most importantly, my mother-in-law is finished with this phase of cancer treatment, and endured it very well, and we are all hopeful that the next phase will go just as smoothly.
I should be cleaning the guest room and the bathroom right now rather than eating toffee and writing, but I am not. Even though I know I will feel better once everything is freshly laundered and scrubbed with bleach, and especially once my daughter can revert from sharing our bathroom to using her own. (We have two sinks in our en suite, and for some reason my daughter refuses to use my husband’s. Even if she and I are brushing our teeth simultaneously and my husband is already at work.)
Okay, during that paragraph break, I put all the towels in the laundry and tossed the bar soap and half-empty hotel-size shampoo and conditioner into the garbage and emptied the trash. If you have a guest room, does it have a trash can in it? Do you expect a trash can when you stay in other people’s guest rooms? I have a trash can in the bathroom, but not in the guest room… but there was a little paper bag filled with trash on the floor by the dresser, which makes me wonder if I should buy one? I don’t have a trash can in my own bedroom; if I need to throw something away, I toss it in my bathroom trash can.
Okay, okay. I have now scrubbed out the powder room toilet and replaced the hand towel, scrubbed out Carla’s toilet, and moved the bathroom cleaning kit up to the hallway outside the bathroom. Baby steps.
Spending so much time with my in-laws gave me ample opportunity to examine the differences between how my husband’s family of origin and my family of origin do things. Objectively, most of the differences are totally benign; both ways of going about things are fine and reasonable and I’m sure plenty of people do them that way. But hot ham is it difficult to see things objectively when you were raised doing things One Specific Way. Here are some examples; I have scrambled them up, so the first FOO mentioned is sometimes my FOO and sometimes my husband’s.
- One family of origin (FOO, from here on out), are cocktail drinkers; the other FOO are wine drinkers.
- One FOO eat mostly at restaurants, with occasional home-cooked meals; the other FOO make and eat the vast majority of their meals at home.
- One FOO divide the household duties roughly evenly (although some tasks take on typically gendered lines, like dusting vs. changing the oil in the car; I would say these tasks break up based on interest and ability though); the other FOO are much more “traditional” in the sense that the housework nearly all falls to the woman, and the man will sit and read a newspaper while the woman scrubs dishes five feet away.
- One FOO eat most dinners together at the table as a family; the other FOO eats together in front of the TV just as often as they eat at the table.
- One FOO wants the food to be HOT when everyone sits down to eat, so you better sit down right away when it is ready; the other FOO doesn’t care a whit about food temperature, and takes their sweet time getting to the table, sometimes detouring to the bathroom or stopping to check on the progress of the jigsaw puzzle, even after they have been WARNED that dinner is about to be served, and then ASKED whether they are READY to eat, EVEN IF they have been married to a Hot Fooder for 10+ years. Bet you can’t guess whose FOO is whose in this one.
- One FOO takes care of almost all household/car maintenance themselves (oil changes, lawn care, appliance/fixture/furniture repair); the other FOO outsources nearly everything (oil changes, lawn care, appliance/fixture/furniture repair).
- One FOO always seems to be in the midst of renovations, with the newest trend in furniture and paint colors and appliances; the other FOO sets up house and only replaces furniture/appliances once it stops working.
- One FOO always has the latest technology (phones, computers, devices); the other FOO buys technology only once in awhile, and then often choose refurbished pieces or older models.
- One FOO accepts that a no is a no; the other FOO believes that it never hurts to ask.
- One FOO gives gifts of money and contributions to college funds; the other FOO gifts toys.
- One FOO buys the things they need and, after research, doesn’t think or talk about the price of the item; the other FOO is constantly fretting about price, and is delighted to find a good deal, and talks openly about how much things cost.
- One FOO buys cars and uses them for decades until they wear out; the other FOO leases cars for a few years and then replaces them with the newest model.
- One FOO says goodbye and leaves; the other FOO says goodbye and lingers for several more hours.
- One FOO are kissers; the other FOO are huggers.
- One FOO prefers personal space and stays in hotels when they visit; the other FOO much prefers being together as a family.
- One FOO is staunchly Pro Thank-You Note, even if you thank them in person; the other FOO feels that a voiced thank-you is completely adequate.
- One FOO is very punctual; the other FOO has a more slippery grasp of time.
- One FOO is a soft-shell taco family; the other FOO prefers hard-shell tacos or taco salads. Why are so many of these bullets food related, hmm?
- One FOO plans things out months, and in some cases years in advance; the other FOO is much more spontaneous about making plans.
- One FOO is a dessert-every-night family; the other FOO is a dessert-on-special-occasions family.
- One FOO is a silence is golden type; the other FOO is the hard-to-get-a-word-in-edgewise type.
- One FOO is a No Devices At The Table type; the other FOO has their phones by their plates at all times, and if the topic is boring to an individual, there is no hesitation in picking up the phone and disengaging from the conversation. (Carla raised her hand during one particularly drawn out discussion and asked, politely but pointedly, “Can I change the subject now?”)
- One FOO is a TV in the bedroom family; the other FOO is a no TVs in the bedroom family.
- One FOO is a church-every-Sunday family; the other FOO doesn’t observe any religion.
- One FOO are Facetime/phone-call communicators; the other FOO prefer email and maybe occasional phone calls.
- One FOO always has salt and pepper on the table; the other FOO trusts that all food is salted/peppered exactly right for every palate.
Like I said, it’s hard to accept one way when you grew up doing things the exact opposite way. But I can see the merits of both sides. At least in most cases (hot food should be eaten while HOT).
Then, of course, it is amusing to see the points where our FsOO overlap, and the family my husband and I have created diverges.
- Both FsOO believe in ironing, and both women iron their husbands’ shirts to this day; my husband and I operate a pro-wrinkles household and refuse to iron.
- Both FsOO are firmly shoes IN the house types; my husband and I are a SHOES OFF household.
- Along the same lines: My husband and I are immediate handwashers; we come into the house, from anywhere, and wash our hands before we touch anything. (Except our shoes, which we remove at the door.) Our FsOO seem disinclined toward handwashing unless they have recently used the restroom or are cooking/eating.
- Both FsOO prefer phone calls to text messages; my husband and I, like the good millennials we are, would prefer to never use a phone again.
Obviously, my husband and I are RIGHT.
life of a doctor's wife 
When we had our very first guest in our guest room, I asked her what she thought we could do to make the room better. One of the things she said was a trash can in the room. We do have a trash can in our guest room. We actually have TWO in our bedroom, one on each side of the bed, mostly because we need someplace to put used tissues. Gross, but true.
I totally get the tissue issue. When I have a cold that requires lots of tissue use, I bring the bathroom trash can into my room and put it by my bed.
Beth comes from an emphatically-always-on-time-or-early family and mine has what you called the “slippery grasp on time.” She has halfway reformed me, but not completely. She shouldn’t be surprised, though, because this is how we met: I was arriving on campus my first year of college and she was dorm staff checking people in. We only realized that was when we met years later when I mentioned I’d arrived to my dorm hours late and she said, “That was YOU?”
Oh, and we named Noah after that dorm.
That is ADORABLE.
I love lists like these! The differences between ‘clans’ can be eye-opening – I always say something along the lines of, ‘it would be boring if we were all the same’, but, clearly, we all think that we’re right in our choices (I know that I am!)!
Bwahahaha – “I know that I am”! Exactly!
Glad her cancer treatment 1st round is done and that she tolerated it well. Also glad that you get to relax after hosting your houseguests.
We do not have a guest room. None of our kids’ rooms have a trash can – only the bathroom. I would think a guest room with a joined bathroom would only need one in the bathroom.
I so enjoyed your bullet points. Some made me laugh. I could go on and ON here. The big things that stand out – my FOO gets dressed up for holiday gatherings, his doesn’t. Both of our parents are very controlling, but his are also legitimately insane so that always presents challenges. My folks have backed off their controlling nature as they’ve aged, his HAVE NOT. My FOO eats a big meal, his FOO leads with a ton of appetizers first. His mom is good with potatoes from a box for holidays, my family would sooner die that offer boxed, instant potatoes to a guest. My FOO saves money and has always invested and gifts stock and other monetary help for college funds, his dad likes to buy showy stuff and they don’t contribute to any college funds. My FOO lives by favoritism and has no clue what equity would look like particularly in regards to child rearing, and his is fairly equitable – especially when they raised their children. We all go to church each week and sometimes more often and we all have a strong faith, but his FOO constantly tries to offer spiritual direction and instruction – totally unwarranted and unjustified. My folks would NEVER give us religious direction. Coach and I are fairly traditional in our clean up the house/mow the lawn tasks. He works really long hours outside the home, but it still gets to me at times.
Not sure if you even asked what our differences are, so sorry for over-sharing. You got me all riled up. 😉
Ha! No, I love reading about the differences in other people’s families! So fun!
We are a shoes off and immediate hand washing family and I also make everyone wash (sanitizer or disinfecting wipe) their hands whenever they get into the car.
Furthermore, you are right.
One of our biggest ones is FOO vacation preferences. One FOO believes vacations are for sleeping in and hanging out in the hotel room. The other FOO believes that we should go out and do the vacation things because otherwise why did we spend all the money and effort to go somewhere? You can lie in your bed at home for free. Guess which one I am.
Yes, hand sanitizer in the car always. And I am also a Do All the Things traveler.
I’ve never thought about a trashcan in the guest room; but it makes perfect sense. I’ve always assumed that since the guest bath is right next door that they would use that one. And, even weirder? I remember specifically that, although we never had a trash can in our bedroom (why would we with the bathroom being right there), Man-Child has always had a trash can *in* his bedroom from the time he was small. I guess a carry over from the newborn days?
FOO differences are always interesting. I remember about 20-25 years into our marriage, The Husband casually mentioned that his mom always bought Colgate toothpaste. I always provided Crest. I tried to switch brands but years and years of buying/using Crest tug was too strong. And I figured if it took him 20-25 years to even mention this small fact that it didn’t bother him TOO much.
I’m so happy to hear that your mother-in-law is doing well.
Oooh yes! Different brand loyalties would be tricky to navigate! What if you were a mayonnaise person and your spouse came from a miracle whip foo???
This is why we get along so well, Suzanne – we also are a SHOES OFF household, an immediate handwashing household, a no-ironing household, and a text message one. Although, since the pandemic, I do call friends more often than before, just to hear their voices. But only if we text first (“do you have time for a call?”) The handwashing thing especially – the boys are trained to do this, and any time their little friends came over I would get them to wash hands, to the point that now when their teen friends come over, there is an immediate lineup to the bathroom sink. Success!
I think it’s interesting/ tricky/ complicated when we get married and blend families together, with different ways of doing things. I have never had either set of parents stay in our house THANK GOD but there are many differences between our families. Neither is “good” but it’s just the way it is. My husband’s FOO is extremely loud and when my FIL was alive, everyone would talk at the same time, louder and louder. My family, very quiet. My husband’s FOO, mostly my MIL, tends to overshare and say every emotion or feeling she had any time it happened, and often after it happened, and it was all very weird for me because my FOO is extremely repressed and never talk about feelings. See what I mean, neither is good, but it’s weird to have them together. My MIL constantly asks what things cost and about money, and my FOO would never speak about money ever. There are so many things and I would say that my husband and I have forged our own way of doing things, but those things stay with you. For example, when I’m upset I tend to become really quiet and not want to talk at all, but my husband will do pretty much the opposite.
“Neither is good but it’s weird to have them together.” YES. Exactly this.
I had to giggle at your FOO differences. I’ve always seen the stark contrast between my husband’s FOO and mine. My people are much more silly and although his people are fun, they’re not really funny. Does that make sense? My people can laugh about anything and everything and do it in private and public. And we will laugh about the same thing for decades. My girls’ have always noted how my side is much more light-hearted.
I do not keep a trash can in any guest room or our bedroom. A bathroom trash can is enough; just what were they throwing away in the ‘guest made’ trash can?
This is brilliant. I relate to many of the points on this list, having learned that families are as different as night and day. Zen-Den & I are a make food at home, eat food when it is hot, shoes on in the house, wash hands immediately, no TVs in the bedrooms, please don’t phone us family. We’ve blended behaviors from both sides. Maybe that is how it is meant to be, survival of the fittest you know!
We are also a family of introverts and company is enjoyable but exhausting. It’s kind of cute that your daughter will only use your sink. It would give me major anxiety if I stayed in a guest room that didn’t have a garbage – not as much as a bathroom that doesn’t have a garbage (WHY IS THIS EVER A THING) but still anxiety. Then again, I have year round allergies so I use a lot of Kleenex.
Wow, the families of origin are QUITE different. I humbly offer our taco style, which is a hard shell wrapped in a soft shell (crunchy but doesn’t fall apart!) as a possible no-man’s land? We are also shoes-off and immediate hand-washers (well, my daughter and I are, my husband and son less so.)
I default to providing a trash can in the guest room as well as the guest bath. Mostly because every time I have traveled, I have had SOMETHING to throw out that is not bathroom trash and that takes up a lot of room in a bathroom trash can, so I don’t like using just the bathroom trash can because it gets overly full too quickly. And sometimes you are sleeping in a room that does not have an en suite bathroom so you have to carry stuff to the bathroom.
I have been confusing my husband by suggesting tacos for dinner when we do not have any taco shells. I have clarified that tacos, to me, means the stuff that goes IN the shells, and can be soft shell (my preference), hard shell (his), burrito, or salad style. This baffles him and is probably being used as further evidence that I am insane.
I am so glad your MIL is tolerating treatment well!