If you thought that we could return to fret-free normalcy now that the dinner party is over, you were WRONG.
Let’s move right along to the next fretworthy topic, shall we?
My husband and I are going on a trip. Just the two of us. We are not calling it a second honeymoon, although I suppose that’s what it is; it’s our tenth anniversary gift to one another.
We are going to Europe and we are both VERY EXCITED about it.
But.
We are leaving Carla behind.
She will remain in our house in the loving and capable hands of my parents. She will be continuing with her regular routine of school and extracurricular activities. But I am FREAKING OUT about leaving her.
Firstly, the longest I’ve ever been away from her is a week.
Secondly, the longest my husband and I have together been away from her is two days.
Thirdly, I am really worried my husband and I are going to die in a plane crash and leave her an orphan.
Fourthly, I am FREAKING OUT.
So I am hoping you have some advice for me as we prepare to leave our beloved baby behind.
We have mentioned the trip several times, with increasing frequency as we get closer to the trip. So Carla knows it’s coming. I don’t know if this is a good strategy or not; my concern is that we’re making her think/fret about it too much in advance. But I also don’t want to spring it on her. That would be awful and cruel (at least, for my particular kid), to wake up one day and say, “Bye! See you in ten days!”
I have been making a ridiculous number of lists for my parents, so they know everything from the foods she will and might eat to how to walk her into school each morning to what she needs to bring to ballet class.
I have talked things over with her teachers, who seem very unconcerned with the whole thing. (Bless Carla’s teacher: when I told her recently that I thought our being gone would be rough, she immediately said that I can email her or call her ANY TIME. When really I meant that things would be rough on Carla, not on me. She knows me to my CORE, apparently.)
What else can I do?
When my mom went to Russia for a week or two when I was… five? ten? she recorded herself reading Nancy Drew books, so I could play them on cassette tapes at bedtime. What a kind and loving thing for her to do! Maybe I need to do something similar?
When I was in California for a writing conference, and the time difference made phone calls difficult, I made little videos for Carla each morning that my mother-in-law could play for her after school. I think Carla liked those, but it seemed like they may also have made her upset and teary at bedtime? But maybe she would have been upset and teary anyway? I don’t know. I am wondering whether my husband and I should try to Facetime her every day, or if it would make her miss us more?
How else can I make Carla more comfortable about our leaving? How else can I make ME more comfortable about our leaving?
And how are we supposed to say goodbye to her, when she then has to go to school while we prance off to the airport? Do we drop her off and say goodbye in her classroom? That seems awful, but also her teachers would be Right There to distract her. Do we say goodbye at home and let my parents drop her off? DO WE CANCEL THE WHOLE TRIP?
Have you and your spouse ever left your child for a longish time? What were some things you did to prepare yourself/your child? Were there any things you wish you had/hadn’t done?
It’s going to be okay, right? RIGHT?
It is going to be so okay, and one thing that helps me in such situations is knowing we can make changes to the plan. That is, if it seems like Facetiming is great, you can do it more; if it seems like it’s making things worse, you can do it less; it doesn’t have to be decided ahead of time. I mean, that doesn’t help with things that need to be decided ahead of time, like recording books on tape (this idea stresses me out and seems like a lot of work). But with things where the worry is based on not being able to predict how things will go.
The other thing that helps me when I leave the kids is to imagine that someone else left THEIR kids with ME. I feel pretty confident that I could figure things out with that kid even with hardly any information at all, at least well enough to keep the child fed and safe, if not fully equipped for ballet class. And if I picture being the preschool teacher or ballet teacher, and seeing someone not the parent bringing the kid to class, I’d be really understanding about things like lateness or not being prepared or even missing class entirely. I think this kind of thinking reassures me because it means I don’t have to think of literally everything: things temporarily not going exactly as usual is totally fine.
If I wanted a little project to make me feel better and maybe make the child feel better, I would make a paper chain with one link for each day we’d be gone, and I might write something on the inside of each link (though this is getting stressy/workish) like “I love you! See you soon!” or “I will send you a postcard!” or “Give Grandma and Grampa a hug for us!” or whatever. She can tear off a link each day and see how many days are left until you come home.
A similar idea that is potentially more work but ties into my own stress-management technique of shopping, would be to leave a small gift to be opened on each day of your trip. Like, two Hershey Kisses, wrapped in a little packet. Or a book or coloring book or puzzle you would have bought anyway for her grandparents to use as an activity.
Swistle, you are truly brilliant. I love both the paper chain idea and the little gifties idea!
I’m so excited about your trip! (Can I come?) I think Facetime makes things like this sooo much easier, and I did that when I traveled to the UK for business for 7 days. It was a long time. I’m not sure we FT’d every night, but it was certainly helpful when we did, and made us seem not that far apart. Of course my kids are older, but even my 11-y-o has emotional difficulty being without a parent (even though her perfectly capable other parent was there with her the whole time).
I think for your departure, would it be okay for your parents to take her to school late that day? Like, maybe you say your goodbyes, then your parents take her to a special breakfast restaurant or doughnut shop or something to distract? One tardy won’t hurt.
Also, think of the excellent bonding time she’s going to get with her grandparents! It will likely be a week she remembers fondly because of the special time with them (and Grandmas are usually good for spoiling). 🙂
Everything is going to be ok! I love Swistle’s paper chain idea. When I left my son for a full 7 days, we did Skype and I recorded myself reading a few short books for him. I would have the goodbye should be away from school, but if you think it will make it easier for you/her to be together until the last possible minute, then go for it!
Have a great trip!
Swistle, as usual, is brilliant. Paper chain idea is spot on.
That being said, Carla – if I’m not mistaken is still very young – will pick up on your nervousness and react to that. Try to be very matter of fact and calm about the whole thing and I think she will react as if it is normal for mom and dad to be gone for so long.
As for you? You know she will be in the loving care of grandparents who will love and dote on her and she will revel in the time spent with them. Facetime if it seems to help her. But don’t do it out of “guilt” (of which, you shouldn’t have – you aren’t leaving her to fend for herself!).
Enjoy your trip!
We just got back from a 9 day trip (also for our 10 year anniversary) while our children (ages 2-7) stayed with my in-laws. It was the longest we’ve ever been away from them and the first time I’ve been away from the baby. I just want to reassure you that it will be fine. Even if something does go wrong, your parents will take care of it and everyone else will understand and it will be fine.
The following is meant to be reassuring and not concerning, I hope it comes across that way. My kid with asthma got the flu while we were gone. And it was fine. My in-laws took great care of him. Plus I was able to check his online records, talk to the doctors office, and call/FaceTime with my child right after his appointments to reassure myself. I will say that I was very glad that I had left a long detailed document with everything about activities/medications/allergies/doctors/nearest urgent care, etc. for my in-laws. It was….very long and I felt a little self conscious about how over the top it was, but it turned out to be very useful and I’m so glad I did it. Sounds like you’re doing something similar.
I do think it is helpful to have a couple special activities/projects planned for kids to do just with whoever is keeping them to distract them from you not being around. We had the benefit of it being spring break, but it doesn’t have to be anything crazy. Like a Lego set or art project they’ve been wanting to do and now get to do with grandma!
Have a wonderful time! All will be well!
Someone once told me, when I was fretting about leaving the kids for a few days, that this is the most wonderful opportunity for grandparents to bond. It is a gift to the grandparents to be able to spend that time with the kids, and yes, they might do things a little differently but that is the beauty of it. I remember staying with my grandparents when I was small and honestly, it was wonderful. It’s going to be more than okay. It’s going to be a wonderful trip for the two of you PLUS a chance for Carla to enjoy and be enjoyed by her grandparents.
I agree that Carla will have a great time bonding with grandparents and will have great memories. I would leave small surprises for each day and I like the paper chain. Maybe hide the gift and leave a hint to the whereabouts in the paper chain. I vote say good bye at home. Another thought, leave her a journal that she can draw, write, or dictate to grandma a bit about what she does each day. So she will have something to share when you get home.
I used to babysit for a family with 6 little kids and the folks went out of town to Europe for 2 weeks most summers while I was in college. The kids were fine. Really fine. We had a blast. There were no phone calls or paper chains. We kept busy.
Most of all, have a great time! All will be well. Cannot wait to hear about the trip!
I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip- it sounds fabulous! We have gone on two trips without our son, one a couple of years ago and one earlier this month. He is older than Carla, but both times, all was fine. One thing that made me feel better was to have a notarized power of attorney for the person taking care of our son. Also leave the insurance cards.It wasn’t used in either case, but it was nice to know it was there if needed.
We checked in a couple times via phone, but he didn’t seem to miss us much at all. Before we left, he told me that if we didn’t have a good time, he was going to be really mad at us. 😉
My husband and I just got back from a week away while our 18 month old was with my parents (at their house). Our daughter seriously couldn’t have cared less when we left or when we returned (and when we video chatted she’d go “HI HI *give kisses* BYE BYE” and run off to play), so obviously we are dealing with a different developmental stage. I don’t have any personal experience with an older child, that’s the disclaimer for my input 😉
I definitely think your goodbye should be at home and I LOVE the idea of your parents taking her out to breakfast/donuts before school and completely agree that it’s worth one tardy. That’ll give her some time to process the goodbye without thrown directly into an environment where she is expected to think about other things and also signify that your leaving is a special occasion and things might go a little differently while you are away. I also love the paper chain idea. A similar idea I just saw at a friend’s house when they were welcoming their second child was a big wall calendar for their 3yo that showed the days in question with little cut outs of family members faces corresponding to the days they would be visiting, when mommy was going to be in hospital, etc. I can imagine something like that with the different cities or countries you’ll be in. Or if you’ll be traveling around a lot, maybe a big wall map of Europe might be cool to track your progress?
If I was leaving an older child, I think I would try to focus on the concept of stories. Before we left, we would talk about all the amazing stories we would have to tell each other when we got back together. I don’t recall how old Carla is, but maybe give her a camera before you go so she can document the things she does while you are away? That way you’ll both have pictures to show each other when you return. If I was going this route, I’d get my parents in on it, too.
I’d ask them to discuss their favorite events of the day before bed and to maybe pick a favorite story from each day that she’ll share with you when you get back.
And know that things ARE going to be ok while you are away. Like others said, not everything will go perfectly, but the little stuff (and 99.9% really is little stuff) will not matter in the long run. My mom uses what she calls “the 20 year rule.” What will you remember 20 years from now? What will end up being important? It won’t be that she was late to school one day or that she didn’t have all her gear for ballet, but that you and your husband had an amazing trip together and that Carla got tons of love and undivided attention from her grandparents.