Yesterday we had a Parent Appreciation Luncheon at Carla’s school and I am still reeling from the experience. Reeling may not be the right word. Perhaps “steeped in self pity” is more accurate, I’m not sure, I am destined to fail at all things including appropriate word choice.
At the top of the luncheon, all the kids in the entire grade got up and did a little song and dance routine. It was very cute. And then they got to usher us to our seats in the cafeteria and then we all ate lunch(eon) together. There was a lot of down time at the beginning while the teachers corralled all the kiddos and got them pointed in the right direction. Which meant that there was plenty of time for me to be SUPER socially awkward and inept and anxious about it.
Let’s just get one frustrating thing out of the way right up front, which is that my husband wasn’t able to make it to the luncheon. And yes, he’s on call, and yes, I’m sure there were single parents in the mix, and even in the case of two-parent households, I’m sure that other parents weren’t able to make it, and/or they have been at their jobs longer than my husband has been at his and feel more comfortable taking off in the middle of the day and/or have spouses who were more persistent about reminding them to find some way to take the time off, but it SEEMED like every child there had two parents except Carla, including two other physicians, which at baseline made me a) feel guilty and b) feel lonely. If my husband had been there, I could have at least talked exclusively to him, instead of sitting there mentally rending my garments as I tried desperately to gather the courage to go talk to someone.
While we were waiting for the kids to set up, I saw another mom that I have been friendly with in the past. If I’m being honest, I wish she were my best friend: she’s so lovely and put together and smart and friendly and kind. She started talking to me, which was nice. But then one of her friends came up to us, and the two of them started talking, and I started to panic. Was I supposed to join in the conversation, about things they have in common and about which I know nothing? Was I supposed to excuse myself and go… stand in a corner? I ended up doing neither, and just stood there silently with what I hoped was a calm, friendly, I’m-a-good-listener smile plastered on my face and nodded along with them. They were nice about it, making eye contact with me occasionally as though I were part of the conversation. It’s not like I was entirely mute; I tried to make interested-sounding noises even though I was much too panicked to focus on what they were saying. And then another friend of theirs came up and joined in and I just kept standing there, my anxiety flinging itself against the inside of my brain like a fish trying to escape its tank, and I tried to ask questions where I could – but they were obviously “I am making conversation” questions and not “I’m part of the conversation” questions, you know? – and tried to laugh and continue to make “I’m totally taking part in this discussion” noises. And the cafeteria was super hot and I started sweating and I became uncomfortably aware of the inside of my mouth and how my breath could not be great even though I definitely brushed and flossed before I came. And I didn’t know the other moms at all, or who their kids were, and – as is always the case anyway – I couldn’t figure out the rhythm of the conversation well enough to interject with a new subject or a related anecdote or a pertinent question. Not that I could properly follow along with the conversation anyway; as I mentioned before, I was too focused on all the THINGS going on in my head to focus on what they were saying.
Finally, a teacher called us to attention and we got to watch the kids’ little performance, which was a nice break. The ladies I’d been “talking with” drifted off to find their spouses and I stood by myself, clutching my sweater (why had I brought a sweater when clearly I’d entered one of the flaming hottest circles of hell???) and my purse and my desire to leave immediately and/or melt into the floor.
And then it was “luncheon” time, and once again I had to navigate the extreme horror of talking to a parent I don’t know that well. This time, across the table. Unfortunately, this parent was either as shy/uncomfortable as I am, or she had already written me off as no use to her. So my lame attempts at conversation were met with single word answers and apparent disinterest. You’d think this would be a good thing! Lets me off the hook, right? But instead, I kept trying to make lame small talk because I wanted her to like me. Obviously she wasn’t talking to me because she’d written me off as Not Worthy of Her Time, right? Okay, okay, so possibly she was having her own inner freak out about having to talk to me and fending off similar worries. Either way, I don’t hold it against her.
Fortunately, Carla was with me at this point, so I could direct most of my attention to her. But as we lunched, I was very aware of all the other parents in the room, laughing and chatting and having a great time. I mean, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only person in the room who doesn’t like groups/crowds/forcible mingling. But it never FEELS like there are others. Instead, it feels like everyone else finds social interaction super easy, and, not only that, but fun, which I find incomprehensible. I long for “easy.” Fun is a pipe dream.
Finally, when I was able to escape, I ran into a couple of familiar couples on the way down the hall. They are all super nice and friendly, but they were in couples, and seemed to be talking to each other, and plus one of the women was the woman whose friend-group I’d horned in on earlier and she was almost certainly done with conversational babysitting, so I tried to smile and make nice friendly noises, but then I motored on past to leave the school and get in my car and go far far away. And as I was doing that, I was mentally chiding myself for avoiding them instead of trying to interact with them. You can’t make friends with people if you dart past them every time you see them! Friendships are not built on awkward smiles and waves and “have a great day”s tossed over your shoulder! (Why not, though?)
And I DO wish I were friends with more of the parents at Carla’s school. So many of them seem great! But the way you get to know people is by talking to them during these school events, and I get so flustered and self-conscious that I just can’t do it. It’s moderately okay one on one, but when there are two or more people, I stop being able to think. I have no idea how to join the flow of conversation. I have no idea what to say. I often walk past little clusters of moms in the hallway after drop off and wonder what in the hell are they talking about?!?! I have no clue, absolutely none.
And then I go home and feel horrible, as I did yesterday. And the bad feelings remain. I feel lonely and isolated, which are terrible feelings to begin with. But then I also feel culpable, because it’s my own fault I don’t have friends. It can’t be THAT hard! Other people do it all the time! There must be something wrong with me that I am always and forever on the outside.
Hence the pity party.
We have a big Parent Breakfast coming up, as part of the kids’ transition into kindergarten. (KINDERGARTEN. Let’s reserve that panic attack for another post.) So I anticipate more of the same sweaty awkwardness and wallflowering and self-loathing to follow in a few short days! Yay!
life of a doctor's wife 
I can tell it didn’t FEEL good, but it sounds like you did very well! The “Yes, I am certainly part of this conversation, can’t you see me smiling and listening and nodding” is way up there with Useful Social Skills and I use it OFTEN. It’s so much better than standing all alone trying to look really interested in something on the wall. And, I don’t think people ever hope you’ll leave: they are just passing the time and forgetting their own social skill of “tailoring the subject matter to the group.” How many conversations about softball/football/cheerleading have I been part of? SO MANY. I nod, I smile supportively. It’s perfect, actually, since like you I have trouble focusing in such situations; if it’s a subject I don’t know anything about, I don’t have to fully listen or participate.
Also, greeting people breezily is huge: over time, it really does lead to more comfortable relationships. It takes anxious people a lot longer than other people, but we get there. One of my other mad skillz is Prepared Questions, which get easier as the grades get higher, because you can ask things like “Is anyone’s kid doing track this year?” or “Has anyone heard anything about the new Spanish teacher?” Preschool is sucky for this, but middle/high school is great. See if you can latch onto anyone who has a kid Carla’s age AND an older child or two: parents seem to love telling other parents What’s Ahead.
Anyway, I hate school social events like this. I always feel out of place. But you are doing just great. And next time you won’t bring a sweater. There’s a commercial for almond milk where the narrator praises every small progress in this delightful enthusiastic tone of voice: “There’s salad in the children! Someone is reusing a bag!” Imagine your own life narrator: “She’s joining a conversation group as a Listener! She left her sweater at home! She’s greeting others in a casual friendly manner as she breezes by! She’s ASKING A QUESTION!!”
I was also going to suggest having some questions ready to ask. Such as “What does your child enjoy most about this class or teacher?. Does he/she have trouble making friends? Isn’t it fun to listen to them talk about their day at school? Where do you get such beautiful clothes for yourself and/or your child?”
It’s like dating…put the center of attention on them and they will talk away.
Leave it to Swistle to have the perfect answer! And Terri is spot on about offering a sincere compliment – that is always a sure fire way to start a conversation. As Carla gets new friends, you will get to meet the parents – that is how met some friends. As for the woman you want to be friends with get into a conversation with her and ask to meet for coffee sometime or suggest a play date for your kids.
I am totally sympathetic because I always have a hard time around people – even if my husband is with me.
‘Flaming hottest circles of Hell’. Hilarious. Sorry that felt so awkward but like swistle I feel like you did great!
Coach rarely attends any school stuff. We switched from catholic schools to public 6 years ago. I was so comfortable at the catholic school bc we were there forever. Starting over was tough. I remember my first curriculum night. I knew peoole, but didn’t have a group and people weren’t overly concerned with including me. They were too busy conversing with their peeps to notice me wandering around on my own. I don’t generally struggle to chat with people, but I remember going home feeling lonely and feeling sorry for myself. It was awful.
There is so much happening beyond preschool. I am confident it will get easier. You will click with people and the flow of conversation will be more natural. Carla will help too as she builds more friendships and you have more to converse about, ie ‘ carla told me about your upcoming vacation,’ etc.
Hang in there!
I always hate it when it seems like people (besides me) are already friends. No fair! They got a head start! But maybe they’re neighbors or go to the same church or country club or something. I usually try to remember that, and… it doesn’t help me feel better. I still feel like it’s unfair.
BUT! It sounds to me like you did GREAT in this situation and should stop fretting over it. When my son was in K5, there was a woman JUST like the one you mention, with whom I desperately wanted to be BFFs immediately. And I was brave and said hello and complimented her adorable hair, and it turns out she is not only put-together and friendly, but now so dear to me, 9 years later, that we are planning to cry our way through 8th grade graduation together this week. We really did end up besties. So have hope, and keep being your friendly, sweet self — be yourself!! Even if you say, “These things always make me feel a little awkward, haha,” — because then you’re relatable! Believe me, everyone feels the SAME — and then it will all work out and you won’t believe how fast the time flies and how sweet the friendships turn out to be. 🙂 (((hugs)))
Awwww, all I can think of is that I wish you were at my school, I would love to hang out with you! I do not ever think that people involved in a Circle Conversation are just hanging on or whatever, I think it is wonderful to meet new women, particularly in school settings. The more the merrier, and I bet that is what those ladies are thinking too! The breezy hi and just nodding and looking interested are really great social skills to have, I think it sounds like you did great. Also, copy everything that Swistle says because she is SMART!
I think a lot of people were probably feeling exactly the way you did. Social anxiety is so common. And Swistle gave excellent advice, so I won’t add any.
Recently my younger child and wife started going to church, at the kid’s request. My older child doesn’t go and I do only occasionally, but I sometimes go to special events so my wife won’t have to mingle alone because neither of us is comfortable in that kind of situation and I know how much worse it is alone. The next one is a Memorial Day picnic and I told her I might go. I’m inspired now to say I WILL.
Aw, I’m sorry it was such an awkward. I’m sure you did better than you think – that’s the usually case of things. Granted, I have social anxiety so I understand how it can be not really knowing people or having someone to talk to/be with the entire time at an event. It just makes you feel like you’re standing around doing nothing or not part of the overall conversation. I hope the upcoming pancake breakfast goes better for you!
-Lauren
http://www.shootingstarsmag.net
I can relate to paragraph 4 so well! That’s basically me in any social situations where I don’t really know anybody well (…which is why I don’t attempt any social situations unless I know one person very well, and then I attach myself to them and don’t let them leave me alone, haha. I’m very fun to be around at parties.)
I also feel like that could have been me sitting across from you at the luncheon, offering one-word answers and not contributing much to the conversation. Because it has BEEN ME. It’s this really awful feeling of wanting to talk to this person and contribute to the conversation, but my brain has just completely shut down and it’s like I forget how words work, much less stringing together multiple of them to make a sentence.
Anyway, I feel like you’ve gotten some really great advice already, so all I want to say is that I completely, wholly understand where you are coming from and I hate that feeling of loneliness and feeling like I just totally suck as a person because I can’t be social when I come home after a bad event. You are not alone in this, even when it feels you are.
I can relate to all of this so much.Thankfully with my daughters going to the same preschool as many of the kids they now go to school with I know a lot of the moms in the neighbourhood and life has gotten easier but I still panic a bit when going out to… well, anything really. With my first child I had to really force myself to physically LEAVE THE HOUSE but all it took was one good friend for me to have somewhere safe to go to lessen my social anxiety (but then she moved away! Cry!) My husband can rarely take time off during the day to go to school things either so I’m on my own for those. I don’t really have much advice except that it did get easier for me as time passed because I got to know people better. I still feel like I’m on the outside a bit, like, I’m not invited out much when the other moms decide they need to have a wine night – but maybe that is just because they know I would rather stay home with my husband than hang out with pretty much anyone else in the world?