Yes, I took a long and unexpected blog break for no actual reason – I just didn’t blog. And then it got so there was PRESSURE to blog and to say something awesome and also I was tired and watched American Idol during my blogging time and plus I didn’t want to post AGAIN about silverfish even though they are STILL IN MY LIFE GAH so let’s talk about something very critically important.
Obviously, I’m talking about ponytails.
Some Very Important Background Info: My hair doesn’t do so great in a ponytail situation.
I probably wear a ponytail, oh, 99.27% of the time. But it doesn’t look GOOD, is what I’m saying.
Firstly, I have a high forehead and no bangs. Well, I have some layery things around the sides of my face, but those don’t count. Especially when I’m more than two weeks out from a haircut, which is approximately 44 weeks of the year.
This is one of those times when being anonymous kind of works against me. I wish I could just SHOW YOU what my hair looks like in a ponytail.
But don’t worry – I have created Paint Drawings, which are the next best thing I’m sure you’ll agree.
So here, in image 1, you can see the way I look with my hair pulled back.
This is a highly accurate rendering.
Actually, it’s not THAT accurate. I’m not trying to mislead you here, Internet. I’m just not so good with the Paint portrait-making.
You know how Tyra Banks claims she has a “fivehead” instead of a forehead (har har har)?
Well, I have that. Only to the next level.
Okay, that’s slightly more accurate.
But my primary ponytail problem is not the enormous expanse of eyebrow horizon.
The problem is with the hair itself.
The thing is, my hair will NOT stay smooth.
Like so.
Seriously. It REFUSES to stay smooth. I have tried all manner of products.
And really, it is TERRIBLE.
If you were a very generous person perhaps with severe cataracts, you might say the curly frizz that rings my head resembles a halo.
I would say it looks more like a nest of raffia created by birds who are high on painkillers and also have cataracts.
But believe it or not, I suffer from additional Ponytail Problems.
For instance, a normal person might have a perfectly smooth, shiny ponytail.
Not me.
I ALWAYS end up with lumps.
(The girls I went to middle school with called them “dinosaurs” for some perplexing reason. But I never asked about it because my go-to hair style is down and – on special occasions – brushed so I couldn’t really make USE of that knowledge. Plus, let’s be honest, I was afraid of facing that patented You Are an Idiot and Majorly Uncool middle school girl stare.)
PLUS I have some rebellious teenagery type hairs that REFUSE to stay in a ponytail, and then languish on my neck with great defiance. (Can you languish defiantly? Well, my hair can.)
So I wind up looking like this:
And that’s withOUT the frizzy curlies, Internet. My half-assed Paint self looks despondent enough already.
(By the way, I don’t think my Real Life Self looks quite so much like Bert of Bert-and-Ernie fame. Just wanted you to know, in case we meet and you are shocked by how different I look in person.)
So now you know what I’m dealing with.
But… so what?
I will tell you what so, Internet.
I am going to a wedding in a few weeks. The dress I am wearing has a halter neckline and the halter part is ruffly and it REQUIRES an updo. (I know it sounds a little weird, but it is a KILLER dress.)
The ponytail – be-curlified and bumpimous as it is – is the only updo I am capable of doing myself.
Rather, I should say “capable” of doing myself, as it should be crystal clear that I am not particularly blessed in the ponytail skills department.
Anyway, this is where you come in.
You MUST have some help to offer, mustn’t you, Internet? Some easy-to-follow steps for creating a smooth and bump-free ponytail? The perfect product for slicking down those errant frizz-curls?
PLEASE HELP.
Apropos of nothing, as I write this, no fewer than THREE rabbits are chasing each other willy nilly all over my back yard. They are seriously fast, too, which I guess I should have anticipated from that old “tortoise and the hare” fable.
I’m glad (read: not glad) that my back yard seems to be some sort of rabbit safe haven, but seeing a brown blur with a fuzzy white tail rocket past my window every two minutes is very distracting.
I sincerely hope that this isn’t a prelude to MORE RABBITS.
There you go, Internet. Ponytail challenged AND delusional.
First, you need this, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003XFKACM/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=theaccidolymp-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B003XFKACM
This cream added together is also magic, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000BX5FS8/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=theaccidolymp-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000BX5FS8
Back when I actually wore my hair straight I also used this serum by John Frieda, href=”http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0013NE2Y8/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=theaccidolymp-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0013NE2Y8
Then, you need this, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000F1EXIE/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=theaccidolymp-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000F1EXIE unless of course you already have a straightener. Also, after you’ve got it all straight, take some of the serum, put the smallest amount in your hands, and run it over the friz. Then take a blow drier and hold the air so it’s blowing all the little spaz pieces down towards your head — round brushes also help. 🙂
It also helps to use straightening shampoo and conditioner, like Aveda or Bumble and Bumble. Yes, they’re pricey, but they work!
Then, when your hair has been washed with straightening magic, then you’ve added your Chi oil, and then used your straightener on it, THEN you need to put it up and spray the hell out of it with anti humidity hairspray. Dove, hell, everyone makes a non-humidity version. Really cake it on and you’re set!
May the control, be with you!
You know I am buying all these things now, right? (Well, I already have a straightener. And a round brush.)
You need a boar bristle brush and some hair wax if you want a sleek and shinny ponytail. It takes some practice… Good luck!
I have many of these same problems. My frizzy things got a lot better when I switched from shampoo and conditioner and started doing the hippie thing instead.
I could suggest going to the other extreme and going kind of curly and messy on purpose. I’ve never been able to pull that off myself but it always looks nice on other people. I usually do that pull through ponytail thing when I need to be fancy with a ponytail.
I’ve admired that look as well. But it does only seem to work on other people.
I feel your pain very much.
And from me to you, I present: the sock bun.
Boom.
I love the sock bun! Alas, even though I have tried, I have FAILED. Perhaps I just need to try… more.
I have had most success when I do the sock bun when my hair is still damp. Have you tried that?
I also have had unpleasantness with those little fuzzies, and I have found the long-term solution for them: stop putting your hair up in a towel turban after showers. It took me a few months to grow them out after I stopped doing that, but my flyaway hairs have been drastically reduced by not breaking them off by the weight of my wet hair + a heavy towel.
Beyond that, I am useless. I just do my best with a few bobby pins and some natural hold hairspray on the sides above my ears and don’t attend formal functions.
Possibly you could scout local salons for someone who can do a simple updo for cheap. Some sort of French twist would be easy for anyone with any skill. Hah, says the skill-less girl. Luck!
What! This is crazy! I have never heard of such a thing! I will have to stop doing the towel turban thing immediately.
I think my previous post was eaten by wordpress. Grr-umble grumble.
This isn’t a short-term fix, but my flyaway problems got much better when I stopped putting my hair in a turban with my towel after washing it. it takes a few months, but once the fuzzies are grown out, you’re a new woman!
Also, try scouting around local salons for someone to do a cheap updo for you. I imagine a French twist would be easy and/or fast. Luck!
I have until recently been using mousse, thinking of it as “the right thing to use on hair.” And then my hairdresser used gel, with me thinking “Ick, gel—the ‘wet look'”—and it turned out my hair wanted nothing more than gel. So I suggest trying gel, because it is the most recent thing I have found amazing in re hair.
My “daily ponytail” equivalent is the messy French twist: low ponytail twisted up and clipped so there’s a fountain of hair coming off the top of the head. I found I could make this look kind of dressy but doing a small French braid starting in the bangs area, THEN doing the messy French twist, using a clip I’d hot-glued sequines onto. …Yeah, so what I’m suggesting is that you have a hairdresser do an updo. I’d ask for “something that looks like I did it myself.”
You will not be surprised to learn that I do not know how to French braid.
Do you happen to have a favorite type of gel? A non-crusty type, perhaps?
Can you just pay someone to do your hair the afternoon of the wedding? Visit a salon or some such? That’s what I’D do in this case. I’m TERRIBLE at updos and I never attempt them. Best leave these things to the professionals.
I want to, believe me! Especially after reading everyone’s comments! But it’s in another state and in the land of beds-and-breakfasts, so I’m not sure where to look. I may do some Googling, though. It sounds so lovely, to leave everything in the hands of a professional!
I’m voting for the “go get your hair done” wave of advice.
I also have frizzy, flyaway hairs that never stay in a ponytail unless copious amounts of hairspray are used. I usually have the “ponytail in the back, everything falling out in the front” look. I also have the front hair breakage caused by pregnancy, except it has been three years since I was last pregnant and those hairs are still the same three-quarters of an inch they have been for the past three years. Gah. No help here.
OMG I have these same issues. Seriously, your self-portraits could be of me. With the same murderous look and everything. In fact, I hated my ponytail so much that I chopped my hair so short that I can hardly get it in a clip, let alone a ponytail. I can’t wait to read everyone’s suggestions!!
Oh, THE FRIZZ! Being on vacation reminded me IMMEDIATELY why I detest humidity; I could not escape the frizz (or constantly feeling oily) while I was there!
I second the messy French Twist; it doesn’t pull my hair and cause me to have a sore head like a ponytail does. And since it is a Fancy Occasion, you could even apply the curling iron to the fountain of hair.
You could also take a picture of your attempts and email it to one of your fellow anonymous blogger people ;-).
Are we the same person? I have the exact same issues. Big forehead, neck languishing hair, bumps, though I don’t think my hair is quite as frizzy, but still frizzy. And… I’m not very good at hair at all.
I have 2 suggestions.
1. The side part into a ponytail. If I wear my hair down (haha, that’s like a once every 2 month thing), I usually rock the side part, parted on the right side of my head. To the left of the part, take the front portion of hair (imagine you have side bangs, use the hair that would make up the side bangs) and bobby pin it back a little bit, as if to keep the bangs out of your face, but still enough to see that you’re hair really is parted. Some don’t pin and just part and put in the ponytail, but I think that looks funny on me and the front portion of my hair is too short to do that and I’d have to pin it anyway. Then tie it back in the ponytail, but a low pony tail. No neck languishing hair and anything that doesn’t fit in the ponytail can be pinned up. sort of like this front part. http://www.sheknows.com/beauty-and-style/hairstyle-photo-gallery/easy-updos/french-twist-with-tight-side-part-1 I sometimes do the ponytail on the side a bit, so that my hair falls over my shoulder.
2. Similar to above, but a little more complicated. Instead of pinning the front hair back, you can twist it so it follows your hairline, from the part to your ear, then use bobby pins at you ear to keep the twist there. Sort of like #7 here, except instead of the french braid (which I can’t do), just twist it. Not too tight, because that would look funny and not too loose, as it would just fall out. I’m not too good at this one, but my friend is excellent at this method.
If you find something else, do share. Because I am terrible at ‘fancy’ hair.
Yes, we MUST be the same person! I too do the side part. Same side and everything.
I would suggest a bun. This bun looks cute: http://www.bjonesstyle.com/blog/2011/03/09/the-casual-carrie-bradshaw-bun/
Alas, I cannot do it because my hair is not long enough and also it is too curly.
Ooooh! Cute! I will have to try that. I suspect it will look more messy than cute on me though. But fingers crossed!
Can you pay someone else to do your hair for this occasion? Because that is totally what I’d do. Throw money at the problem! Leave it up to the professionals!
I leave my naturally curly hair as-is so my ponytails are always wild looking — I will never have sleek, shiny ponytails! 🙂 However, I agree with Swistle about gel to keep stray curlies in place.
I get this product at Target and it works really well to ‘paste’ the crazy hairs down, smells awesome (like vanilla, despite the name) and adds shine with no silicones or other nasty ingredients. It’s by Curls and it’s called Passion Fruit Curl Control Paste. It’s an amber colored gel and it costs $7.99, so it’s fairly reasonable price-wise.
Another idea — check out youtube videos for ponytail ideas from people with your hair type. It’s amazing what’s out there! Good luck!!
Oooh! I’ll have to look for that!
THE BUUUUUMPS! I get those, too. I *FINALLY* figured out that I get bumps if there is any sort of tangle anywhere in my hair. If I can brush through every strand without a single snag, I don’t get any bumps. Sometimes, though, when I’m trying to “loosen” the pulled-back part so it has a little volume and isn’t sucked flat against my scalp, I accidentally create bumps. I’ve found the best way to avoid this is to use a rat-tail comb to gently loosen the hair instead of pulling on pieces.
I bet this makes zero sense. Sorry about that.
Also, I LOVE these for combatting the frizzies: http://www.folica.com/hair-care/hair-treatments/dicesare-copper-peptide-inchcpr-inch-discs
They are seriously magic.
Yes! It is, as bethanyanddaniel says, the towel turban thing. Just don’t do it. It’s killing your hair!! Also, for special occasions, just go to the salon and have them do your updo for you. Problem solved.
P.S. I just got a hair cut today and I am so excited because it means there are NO MORE PONYTAILS in my life. Just cut it short and move on with your life.
I have no help whatsoever in the smoothing-the-ponytail-thing because mine was always bumpy too. I hope you can get it to work because a killer dress always needs a killer updo. Have you thought about going to get your hair done? That solved my problem when my hair was long.
I, too, hope you can find someone to do your hair, not because I doubt your abilities (in spite of your self-analysis), but because I speak from experience…I had an awesome dress for a wedding and wanted awesome hair, too. I did go have it done (and it was totally worth it). I understand your situation, out of town and all. Who is doing the bride’s hair? Could they recommend someone, since they will obviously be busy. 🙂 Anyway, I hope you find a solution! I do a ponytail a lot too. I can get smooth hair now, but I had major bump issues when I was younger. Having babies + getting grays = very different hair. 😛 And I don’t know what this means, but I often thought I looked like a crested dinosaur when I couldn’t get my hair to lie down flat on top. Weird, the dino thing. 🙂
P.S. Thank you very much for the encouragement you left on my blog…it meant a lot. 🙂
Google sock bun! It’s so easy and looks fancy. Seriously. Sock bun. You’re welcome:)
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are seriously so funny. And a very good artist.
I have no advice for you, but I have the EXACT same problems. I just don’t do ponytails (or halter tops) anymore. I also feel like I look bald in pictures when my hair is up (aside from the bird’s nest raffia)… does anyone else have that problem?
It is too late to leave advice AND I will never give anyone hair advice (haaaa!), but this was hilarious. Truly hilarious.
Oh I hate hate hate when I have the hairs at the back that fall out! That and hair near my ear. It’s a losing battle…