First of all, I want to say thank you SO MUCH for all your kind words about my husband matching. We are both SO excited. And with every happy tweet or congratulatory comment or email, I felt that much more gleeful about matching in this lovely city we’ve both come to love.
But now I have something much less joyful to discuss.
This post may be grosser than the toothbrush one, FYI. JUST A WARNING. It may also contain more cursing.
So on Wednesday my husband and I went out to dinner with another couple who’d also matched at a fellowship program, and then we went to a bar where we met up with a bunch of other residents who’d just matched. It was very fun and festive, and I got to have a margarita at dinner. But I didn’t do too much celebrating because I was the designated driver.
Plus, I had to wake up the next morning to fly out of town for a client meeting. A meeting at which I will have to give a presentation.
I am writing to you from this Southern Venue, by the way.
And I would like to be very clear about one thing, which is that I HAVE TO STAY HERE ONE MORE NIGHT. So please keep that in mind as you read and comment.
Thursday, I arrived at the client’s office and we had some meetings. We went to dinner. And I got back to my hotel room at about 9:00.
It’s a hotel I’ve stayed in dozens of times over the past six years. It’s very old historic and has lots of old-fashionedy charm. And I’ve only ever had four even slightly negative experiences.
1. My first ever visit here, I found a lizard in my room. It was bright orange to match the wall. That was a little weird, since I’ve never lived in a place that really HAD lizards. But the desk manager assured me it was harmless and it stayed in my closet the whole time I was there.
2. One room I stayed in had teeny tiny ants crawling all around the electrical outlet in the bathroom. It wasn’t HORRIBLE, but it wasn’t ideal. So I let the manager know and he set me up in a different room.
3. One room I stayed in was right on the corner of two busy intersections and it was so loud I couldn’t sleep. The manager upgraded my room to a large suite in the center of the hotel.
4. One room I stayed in kept losing power. Which, in the south, means that it got HOT in about five minutes.
But I try to be a rolls-with-the-punches kind of girl when I can, and the manager was always extremely nice and accommodating. In fact, one of the reasons I never mind staying here is that the staff is so friendly and thoughtful.
Plus, even though the rooms are old, they seem pretty spic-and-span.
But now I have to add a fifth experience to the list. And I am shuddering just THINKING about typing it.
Anyway. I came back from dinner at about 9:00. And because I have this presentation to give – TODAY – I was fretting over that. So I stayed up until 2:00 practicing and fine tuning.
Then at 4:24, SOMETHING woke me up. I caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of my eye, so I bolted up and out of the bed and I swore I saw a GIANT BUG skitter off of my pillow into the headboard.
So I frantically turned on the lights and sort of stood there, half asleep, half terrified, half calm, half I know that’s too many halves.
I thought maybe I’d had a nightmare. So I forced myself to flip over the pillow.
I stood there in the center of the floor some more. Staring at the bed, trying to wipe away the fog of sleep and decide what to do.
In any event, bug or imaginary bug, I wasn’t getting back into bed or going to fall asleep. So I decided to just be up for the day and I went into the bathroom to switch on the shower.
And when I came back out THERE WAS A COCKROACH ON THE BED.
Listen, Internet, I am squeamish about many things I KNOW. But cockroaches are UP AT THE VERY TOP OF THIS LIST.
And this wasn’t just some stupid cockroach on the floor. It was ON THE BED. Sitting there, wriggling its antennae and affirming that I hadn’t had a nightmare, I’d been AWAKENED BY A MOTHER FUCKING COCKROACH ON MY PILLOW.
Just typing this out makes me want to run screaming into the sea.
I took a picture of the stupid thing. Since I have an ancient flip phone, I can’t show you the photo. Not that you need to see a photo of a COCKROACH ON MY BED to understand the horror. My hands were shaking so badly I could barely snap the stupid photo. But I wanted PROOF in case the manager didn’t believe me or something.
Then I was in a full on Gross Out Panic. Wringing my hands. Brushing imaginary bugs off my shoulders and shaking my hair and trembling and wondering what to do.
My first instinct was to call my mom. I didn’t, because it was about 2:00 in the morning her time. I don’t think she’d much appreciate her fully grown daughter waking her from a dead sleep to shriek incoherently about a COCKROACH. That was ON MY PILLOW WHILE I WAS SLEEPING ON IT OH GOD WHY AM I NOT DEAD.
After taking a couple of shaky photos, I tried to figure out how to kill it. I have never had to kill one before, primarily because I’ve been very lucky not to encounter them that often. (PLEASE, UNIVERSE DO NOT TAKE THAT SENTENCE TO MEAN THAT I HAVE NOT ENDURED MY FAIR SHARE OF ROACHES.) But also because my husband and I practically have a Cockroach Clause in our wedding contract. Which is that not only is he obligated to kill any and all cockroaches he and I ever come across UNTIL DEATH DO US PART, but he is also obligated to never tell me that he’s seen or killed a cockroach so I can go on living my blissful cockroach-free lifestyle.
But the cockroach disappeared before I could do anything. (My impulse was to wack it with the ice bucket.)
I was done. DONE. So I packed up my stuff – of course, freaking out that maybe the cockroach’s friends had taken up residence in my purse or in my suitcase or on the blouse I had hanging in the closet or in the sleeve of the sweater I’d tossed carelessly on the chair – and dragged my laptop, purse, and suitcase down the hall and down four flights of stairs in sweltering 90-jillion degree weather to the front desk.
“Good morning,” says the desk clerk.
“Good morning,” I say. “I need another room.”
“I need another room. There were roaches in mine.”
“ROACHES. There were COCKROACHES in my room.”
And then she did some tapping on her computer.
“Well, we don’t have any rooms left of that type…”
I just stood there.
More tapping at the computer. Finally she came around the desk and handed me a key and then took me up in the old-fashionedy elevator that has to be hand operated.
I said thank you and came into my new room. From which I am typing to you now, Internet.
Of course I did not go to sleep.
I am pretty sure this experience has ruined me on this hotel forever. If not all hotels. If not SLEEPING and BEDS.
And – as I said earlier – I have to stay here again tonight. How am I possibly going to be able to sleep here? I am contemplating trying to switch my plane reservation or trying to sleep at the airport or switching hotels or something.
Yes, I am also aware that this is not an EMERGENCY. There are much worse things. It’s just gross.
But… IT’S GROSS.
Is it too much to ask that a hotel bedroom be cockroach free? I ask this in all seriousness.
Because I KNOW that these stupid bugs exist. I have seen them before. But I have never had one in a hotel room. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a room and a bed that come without bugs.
Also, I am deeply disturbed that the desk clerk didn’t a) acknowledge the problem or b) apologize. Because that makes me think that this is not anything new and that maybe I’m a prissy princess who can’t deal with a little insect roommate.
Anyway. That is my story. I know it’s a bit much for a Friday. But I had to get it out there.
Now I am going to rehearse my presentation – which I have to give on 2.5 hours of sleep GAH – and see if I can track down a store that sells Raid.