Now that I have broached the Baby Subject with you, Internet, I feel obligated to continue to update you even if there is nothing really update-worthy.
Because, after all, I continue to think about Operation: Yes, Babies May Make an Appearance in Our Future, or Actually Just One Baby SINGULAR Because Thinking of More Than One When I Have Just So Recently Decided That One Is a Possibility Makes Me Light-Headed all the time. Like, ALL the time.
So much so that I have to consciously NOT talk about it. And then I think that it’s obvious that I am studiously avoiding the subject. Case in Point: I was Very Carefully Not Talking About Babies in the car with my dad recently and he all of a sudden said something like, “So, do you have any more questions about becoming a parent?” which proves a) that parents CAN read their kids’ minds and b) that it is painfully obvious that all I can think about is BABIES!!!!
Anyway, I made a point to Discuss Babies with my parents over our vacation. Firstively, because I felt it would be a Big Shock to them, that their lifelong baby-hating daughter was suddenly planning on someday having one of the very babies she spent so many years hating. I mean, I didn’t want them thinking that whatever Future Potential Baby we should be blessed with was unplanned or unwanted. (Not that unplanned babies are in any way inferior to planned ones. Let me be clear on THAT.) (Also, the very thought of my parents considering whether my husband and I had a planned or unplanned pregnancy gives me the hibbity jibbities.)
Secondably, I consider my parents to be Quite Knowledgeable about Many Things. And with such a vast store of knowledge at my fingertips, it only makes sense to take advantage, you know?
Thirdively, it is ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
I mean, I told my father quite honestly that I still don’t really WANT a baby. But, as I explained in my last ridiculous post on the subject, I feel like there are a lot of good reasons to go for it. And, based partly on your thoughtful comments, I mentioned to him that I thought there was a possibility I might regret NOT having a kid, but that there was a much SMALLER chance that I’d regret HAVING a kid. This worried him, Internet. He said, “It’s a big decision,” as though he thought I was just having a kid on a whim or to please someone else or something. But then, after seeing me go all goo-goo eyes around some babies (there were a surprising number of babies at the ski resort), he acknowledged that perhaps I did have It, It being Baby Fever.
— TANGENT —
By the way… I have been skiing since I could walk. So I know that babies have their place on the ski hill.
BUT I saw two separate people skiing with a baby on their back in a little backpack type thing (this MUST have some sort of name) and I was… surprised. I mean, actual parents know a lot more about these things than I do, OBVIOUSLY, and I am trying very hard not to be judgmental about something I know NOTHING about… but it seems rather unsafe to strap an infant to your back and go swooshing down a mountain. (In one case, the skier was wearing a helmet but the infant was not. Which seems… weird.) I mean, accidents happen. (And yes, I know, accidents happen ANYWHERE, you could be sitting in your living room and an elephant could crash through your wall and trample you. I GET IT.) But I guess I am big on Not Inviting Trouble. And strapping a baby to your back while hurtling down a steep, snow-covered incline as dozens of idiots rocket past you on all sides seems like the definition of Inviting Trouble. But that is JUST ME. I do not ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING, let’s all be clear.
I suppose I should become a parent before I start worrying about the act of parentING, right?
— END TANGENT —
After my last post and all your positive feedback, I got really excited about Operation: Baby. I rushed out and bought The Book and I thought about all these questions for my parents (which turned out to not be all that many, oddly enough) and I braced myself for The Big Conversation with them and then… I realized that 2013 is still kind of far away.
As we discussed last time, there is no perfect time to have a baby yada yada yada. But a better time to have a baby – for my husband and me – would be during his second year of fellowship. Just to recap: He is a third-year medical resident. He has one more year of residency. Hopefully – if all goes well (and we won’t know if all is well until June 15) – my husband will match into a fellowship program that will begin in July of 2012. By his second year of fellowship – beginning in July of 2013 – we will (hopefully) be settled in whatever city we live in… My husband will (hopefully) be settled in his program… And we will still have a good two years of fellowship before we have to potentially move again, either for a year of even more specialized fellowship or so my husband can join a hospital/practice.
So. 2013. Even when you take into account going off BCPs for six months and then 10 months of pregnancy and even a few months (and listen, I KNOW things don’t always – in fact, rarely – go as planned. I KNOW it could take months or years or it could not happen at ALL. I get it. This is Best Case Scenario we are talking here.) for, well, you know (DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT), we don’t need to really think about Operation: Baby until January of 2012.
That’s, like, almost a YEAR.
So that gives me a lot of time to sit here, thinking about babies All the Time and not DOING anything about it.
I mean, I think it’s clear I need to get into shape. And I need to take more vitamins. And take the vitamins I ALREADY take more regularly. And I should probably go visit my OB to… I don’t know, honestly. Assess the situation? (Dear lord I don’t even want to THINK what “the situation” means in this context.) (Insert Jersey Shore crack here.)
Possibly I should read more? Aside from The Book, is there anything I need to be reading?
And what else? Shouldn’t I be DOING something? To PREPARE? Or whatever?
Perhaps I should just shut up about the whole thing so I a) don’t scare my husband too badly and b) don’t annoy the crap out of everyone.
Of course, there’s the Other Issue. Which is, Now that I’ve brought All This up to you and my parents, do I need to, you know, keep everyone apprised?
I have already expressed my distaste for the term “we’re trying.” I honestly don’t mind if OTHER people say it, because I am nosy. But it creeps me out to apply that term to myself. My husband and I spend all our time working, watching The Office, and playing Trivial Pursuit, okay? THAT’S IT.
But even more than my general barfingshudderness for “we’re trying” is my fear that others knowing about Operation: Baby puts a certain amount of pressure on the situation. (This is a whole other “situation” than the one referred to earlier. At least, I think it is.)
I mean, what if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason? Is it going to be annoying to have people saying, “So! Where’s the baby?!” I suppose some people would say that anyway, as some people firmly believe that having babies is What Married People Are Supposed to Do. But I think telling people about Operation: Baby would invite more of those questions.
But then again, maybe it would be nice to have the support? I know of some bloggers who have shared their fertility struggles, and while I haven’t really read those blogs because they didn’t apply to me at the time, it seems to me that they are helpful for both the blogger and the blogger’s readers who are going through similar situations. Not to mention the heartbreakingly real possibility of other problems. I think it might be nice to be able to talk about those things, should we have to endure them. But then again, what if I don’t FEEL like talking about them? And what if my husband, suddenly faced with Something Terrible, decides – as is his prerogative – that he doesn’t want me talking about it?
But then again, again, do I really want my mother or mother-in-law or best friend or blog acquaintance checking in on The Situation (is this a third situation? Or a reprise? I don’t know anymore.) and making me all uncomfortable about them being all up in our private personal business? But maybe I will LIKE having people all up in my business?
I just don’t know, Internet. I just don’t know.
I suppose, with January 2012 (i.e. The Earliest We Need to REALLY Think About Operation: Baby) being quite a ways off yet, I have a while to get things all straightened out. Once I figure out what those “things” are, natch.
For now, I just know that I feel WEIRD. The same sort of WEIRD I felt when I just got engaged… or when I just got married. Like something in my life was fundamentally different. Like I was Changed in some dramatic and remarkable way. That everyone around me would look at me and do an instant double take because I was emanating WEIRDNESS.
That’s how strange it is, to have decided that I am no longer a Non Baby Person. That, instead, I am a person who is planning for Operation: Baby in the not-too-distant future.
When I started reading this post I thought it was from another blogger (it’s 6:30, forgive me) and then I was like… but I only know one person who uses capitalization for emphasis… this is weird. Then I scrolled back up and looked at the name. lol. Gooooood morning!
Don’t start worrying about fertility before you need to. Seriously. Because worrying (stress) is bad for your fertility. Vicious circle.
Also, I went off of birth control and it took me 10 months to get pregnant, and I’d only been on the pill for 2 years. So… things don’t always go as planned, but that is like the motto of parenthood. 🙂
I totally don’t have any advice on the whole waiting front, because I’m looking at waiting at least 3 or 4 more years for a baby and I can feel the beginnings of baby fever beginning to creep up on me right now (awesome!)
BUT I will say that I absolutely agree with your dislike of the phrase “we’re trying” and I think that it’s perfectly fine to NOT tell people that you’re trying. I mean, do they really need to know? I plan to just not say anything about it to anyone and then one day be like “surprise! I’m pregnant!” (NEVER “we’re” pregnant because that’s another one that totally irritates me).
When I told my parents I was pregnant for the first time, I told my mom first and then asked her not to tell my dad because then he would know I had….y’know. He walked into the room approximately 2 seconds later and saw my mom crying so obviously if my GINORMOUS belly appearing in 7 months wouldn’t be enough he would require an explanation for my mother’s tears. Yeah. Am genius.
I never wanted to tell people we were trying either, because I didn’t want the constant questions or someone saying (barf) “Any luck yet?” No thanks, my uterus is not up for discussion.
I agree with Jessica. Don’t worry about fertility until you have to. And I wish I could tell you about some magic book to read but I’ve been a parent for 4 years now and I’m still looking for something to explain this shit to me. There is just no way to prepare. You could read every resource out there and then have a baby and none of it would matter. It would be way more fun for you to look at nursery decorating, think about names, and all that cute stuff. Just enjoy your time left as a married couple (READ: Sleep. Sleep a lot.), hug on other cute babies (you can borrow mine!) and look forward to the future!
Also- I totally get that weird feeling. I felt the same way when I got married/engaged and still sometimes look at my kids and think “Huh. Guess I’m a grown-up now.”
Yes, eventually go to your OB for a “preconception visit” and they’ll probably run one or two blood tests on you, but for the most part, they just kind of look at you funny because most people don’t plan ahead. (I did.)
And no, you are in no way obligated to tell anyone you are trying because EW. I like to pretend that no one I know has sex ever. Of course, the internet is a very different thing, so feel free to tell us whatever you’d like. The internet heard all about my attempts the first time and then when I announced I was pregnant to people in real life, they asked me if it was a surprise. (My response: “no” and internal snickering.)
You can read an occasional pregnancy book or parenting book if you want, because once you actually have a baby you won’t get to read anymore, but honestly it is kind of fruitless at this point. Not that information isn’t always good, but babies are born with a surprising amount of Opinions so until you meet your particular baby, you won’t know which parenting book you need to read. And then you won’t have time to read it. You could try to read all the parenting books ahead of time, but they all contradict each other, so that just ends up being confusing.
And no, I would absolutely NOT ski with a baby strapped to my back.
Hell to the No I would not ski with a baby on my back, and while I make it a point to never judge other people’s parenting (out loud, anyways) I would be silently judging them in my head because you could kill that kid if you got in an accident. Haven’t they ever seen that “agony of defeat” clip from ABC News?
There is no way to prepare for parenthood, other than to spend lots of time enjoying going to the bathroom by oneself without the event being narrated, because that totally disappears for a good five years. Stock up on sleeping in and enjoy some leisurely breakfasts. Otherwise, not much to do to prepare.
As for sharing….when I had baby fever was well before i had a blog, but if I had had a blog, I probably would have been BABY TALK ALL THE TIME on my blog, because it BABY TALK ALL THE TIME in real life when we were trying to get pregnant. Share whatever you like and feel comfortable with.
When I first started reading your tangent (which I loved) about the skiing baby I laughed a lot because I pictured myself skiing down a hill with a baby on my back and all the silly/stupid things I do when I ski (on purpose, of course). Then I realized how DANGEROUS that is (for reals!) and am shocked that anyone would even consider doing that! Even when I calm down and ski “safely”, only for my Mother’s sake, I still feel like I have to be on high alert because of all the others out there! Skiing with a baby = funny vision until you consider the REAL consequences of it.
Also, I will be ones of those people who will NOT tell people “we’re trying”. It seems so…weird. And being a visual person I just get a very unwelcome, awkward and just straight up weird picture in my head. Immature? Totally. But I won’t be able to do it. I figure I’ll tell people when there is actually something tangible in my stomach.
I always say with parenting “to each their own” and try not to judge – but then usually go ahead and judge quietly in my own head. Can’t help it. Sometimes I even judge out loud. Here I go: Skiing with a baby strapped to your back without a helmet sounds pretty dangerous to me. Especially when you’re worried enough about your own safety to put on a helmet.
I think getting in shape pre-baby is a good idea. I wish I had done that. Instead I ate more because I was bummed it wasn’t happening as quickly as I thought it should and ended up 15 pounds heavier than I wanted to be when I got pregnant. Whoops. I am going to hate myself for that when I have to go back to the gym and WW in September.
I didn’t tell too many people because I agree with you, talking about “trying” with other people creeps me out. A few good friends knew though and it was nice to have a few people other than my husband to talk to about it sometimes.
I think we’re all with you on the skiing baby! That sounds like a terrible idea!
And no, you do NOT need to keep us all updated on Baby Watch 2013…unless you want to. In which case, we will gladly listen and advise, but otherwise, mum’s the word!
I suggest doing what you feel is best in the baby making department.
We have been TTC for over 3 years now, with no luck. Failed fertility treatments SUCK. Only a select people really know we are trying, which I appreciate now that things haven’t gone anywhere. I always felt like people would be staring at my stomach always thinking I was pregnant. Haha. I also want the chance to tell everyone in a fun way..IF it ever does happen.
I do suggest going to the OB/GYN & reading up when you start feeling obessed. Try not to worry too much now though. Enjoy yourself & the process for as long as you can! 🙂
Have you read my post on expecting to expect? I felt the same way that you did about the phrase “we’re trying”. http://thatwifeblog.com/2009/07/expecting-to-expect/
Something I think no one else ever says: It’s okay to not get terribly excited about having a baby. Like a helpless infant kind of baby. I’ve realized I’m not a baby person. I think I’ll be a 10-year-old-child person, or somewhere around that age. And a 20-year-old-child person. So I think it’s okay to get a little freaked out by the idea of having an infant. Know that it is totally manageable, and that the experience is largely determined toward your attitude toward it. If you are a drama queen your time with baby will be very dramatic. 🙂
Listening to this terrifies me because I am currently in the NO BABY camp, and here is a fellow NO BABY person suddenly being hit with baby fever and I’m scared. Is this going to happen to me??????????????
All I can say is I get it. If baby fever ever hits, I can only imagine I will be just as confused and bewildered, and I too will probably overly plan the sh*t out of Operation Child Making.
May the baby force, be with you.
I say it is totally up to you to decide how involved you would like the internet to be. If you want to give updates, I would be glad to hear them. If not, I know that you will let me know when something happens. Originally, I phrased this as “we”, but I decided against speaking for the entire internet!
When we started operation Add A Baby, it was all I could think about, and I told a couple of my close friends. I totally understand the feeling you describe. I felt like you could just tell by looking at me that I was trying to get pregnant! When things didn’t go as planned, it was nice to talk to those friends about interventions that we were considering, but the subject was only brought up by me, when I felt like talking about it. We ended up telling our parents when we thought I might need to have surgery (which didn’t happen), and the best thing about that was that they didn’t make any playful hints about grandchildren since they knew things weren’t going well. They also didn’t ask questions, but knew we would update them as need be. It took quite a bit of pressure off the whole situation, and it was also very nice to have them understand why I wasn’t as excited as everyone else when my sister-in-law became pregnant. All in all, it took over three years for me to get pregnant, so that would have been a lot of playful hints about grandchildren to endure had they not known about our difficulties.
My son is now 4, and we have been birth control free for over a year with no results. Our families know that we would like a second baby, especially since we have saved all of my son’s infant stuff, but again, no questions have been asked, and we have not told them what is going on. I have talked to a couple of friends about what is going on, but they don’t ask for updates. It gets a little sticky when people ask if we are having another baby, but I just give a general answer about “Someday, maybe.”
My advice is to think carefully about who you tell “in real life” because once you tell, you can’t un-tell.
Best of luck to you!!!
I’ve never been a big fan of “we’re trying” either, but after almost a year of “trying” there’s really no other word to describe the situation. I chose to share the fact that we’d started trying for baby with my close friends and family because after discovering it wasn’t going to be easy the comments about when you’re going to get pregnant start to hurt and if they know you’re “trying” they don’t ask anymore.
One small piece of advice for you, when you do start trying go off BCP and start trying IMMEDIATELY, don’t wait 6 months or whatever to let your body normalize off the pill because as was the case with myself normal turned out to be not ovulating!
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
Have you ever wondered why doctor’s pound it into your head that if you miss one pill, or you take your pill a few hours late, you will definitely get pregnant? But if you are trying, it takes 6 months off the pill?
Is it just easier to conceive an accident?
In relation to the baby skiing, two words popped into my head when I read that. Sonny Bono! Heck no would I strap my fragile helpless infant to me when even experienced skiiers can get smashed into a tree.
As for the operation baby what if’s… cart meet horse, and I mean that in the nicest way. You’ve made a huge step going from No Baby Camp to the Potential Parent Party, and I understand that that move comes with all sorts of considerations that you weren’t thinking about originally. I get that, but if you start thinking about the minute details about all the What If’s, even the big mean Infertility If, you’ll drive yourself crazy over the next 8-9 months, and trust me there’s plenty to drive yourself crazy with when you actually get to Operation Baby.
From personal experience, I would be very selective about who I tell in real life about the impending Op. We’ve told only a few people, and even fewer know about our struggles, yet we still have to field questions from people. As you go you’ll find your way about who, what and when you’re willing to share. Honestly this is where the internet (blogs and message boards) have been the biggest help for me. I can share what I want when I feel like it, with people in the same boat while still maintaining some secrecy in my every day life, because yeah I don’t want mom, MIL, and great aunt Gertrude knowing all the details.
In the end what I’ve learned is nothing goes as planned and to take things one step at a time. Don’t worry about it too much right now and just enjoy the remaining “just the two of us” time with the husband. I hope Operation Baby is short lived but it can still be stressful on the marriage, so have as much fun as you can now and don’t worry about it more until the time comes.
I read this comment after I posted mine, and just had to say that this was a very rational and calming post! As you can tell from my comment, I’m also trying to figure all of this out and just thought I’d say thanks for your comment!
I agree with you… having also recently crossed the stage of not wanting baby to wanting a baby, it’s hard to know exactly what the next “step” is. It would be easy if, say, we wanted to get pregnant right away. I think we all know what the next step would be. Ahem. 🙂
But since, like you, I have at least the rest of the year before it’s even a bridge to cross, it’s kinda hard. Especially since there are days when omg I want a baby! and then other days when omg I love our life, why would we disrupt its perfection? It’s hard. There are days when I want to talk, talk, talk about babies, and days when they’re the last thing on my mind.
I also want to have EVERYTHING figured out before we even get pregnant. As in, day care, babysitter, pediatrician, staying at home vs going back to work, schools, etc etc etc… And that is not only unrealistic, but also frustrating, because while I want to ask, for example, my friend Nicole if her day care will have baby openings or if she only takes toddlers and up, I don’t really want to say either, a. we’re trying (which we’re not) or b. oh hi, I’m anal, I’m years away from babies.
This is the world’s longest post. BUT I also want to be able to say “surprise!” and have people actually BE surprised when we’re pregnant – and that is hard to do if I talk, talk, talk about babies. Which, as you know, I do talk about a lot on my blog… And then, again, it’s not time yet!!!!!
It is hard. I guess that’s all I’m here to say really, is that I find it difficult too! xoxo
I just have to say I love reading your blog! I’ve stumbled upon it just today and have been spending way too much time (but enjoying it) here getting a sense of your life and goals rather than caring for my three children. The reason I love your blog is a) you’re honest about your life and feelings, b) I am married to a medical student and c) we had our first kid before starting medical school, as in my husband was still an undergrad. It’s possible whenever you’re ready for it. Take it a step at a time, and things will work out. I am so excited to finally be heading for residency and a house (smaller more affordable city) for the first time this summer! But anyway, if you’re ready to consider planning, then plan. If you’re not, don’t. But don’t stress about it. Pregnancy and motherhood will blow you away no matter the preparation, simply because it’s not something you can not possibly experience before it happens. In both good and bad ways – it is what you make of it. The end.
I would recommend talking to your GP about pre-conception (when the time comes). While I’m a Google fiend, it’s nice to have an in-person expert that is aware of your family history, personal quirks, etc.
Also, I went off my BCP and BAM, a month later I was knocked up. While I think most reasonable people would be able to deduce that could happen, I’ve had a few friend who thought they wouldn’t get pregnant for at least 4 months, and their reaction ended up being of the ‘OMG I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant yet,’ like it is a big shocker. While yes, it’s probably appropriate to be a bit surprised, I guess I would just assume once I went off BCP it’s fair game.
I would also recommend a cost analysis beforehand. I wish we would have, even for just 6 months, set aside what daycare costs would be. It would have shown me that we have a lot more wiggle room in our budget than we thought, all while creating a little slush fund in the process. Luckily, I’ve become much more budget savvy in the past year, so yay me!
Oh my goodness, so yah, I totally just wrote a post, schedule for Wednesday on babies! Please read and chime in!!!! I attack the “are you trying?” There isn’t really much you can do but chart, chart, chart! Finding out if you are a regular ovulater will help you decide the best time to actually start Operation Baby Dr. you know?
It’s actually really refreshing to see someone thing so hard about Operation:Baby- and as someone who has been obsessing about “when” since about a week after I got married…I get the feeling. I think there comes a point where you just have to trust your instincts and jump.
I don’t have much advice because I spend all of my time trying to curb my desire to have kids until a more realistic time. But really, you are going to be a fantastic mom because you care so much about being ready.
My Tangent- OMG what the hell is wrong with those people skiing with babies on their backs!?!!?! I would have called DSS…lol…but I’m a worrier.
Do we REALLY have to wait until TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN for a baby? GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.
Haha my thoughts exactly!
2013 sounds far away, but I bet you it will get here before you know it. That statement might not be comforting?
It seems like you and your husband are on the same page, which is good. I want to try for a baby as soon as my husband returns, but he wants to wait a year. I keep trying to tell him not all people can just get pregnant right away, but he does not feel me on that!
Sometimes I wish I knew who you were, my anonymous friend. On to your post…which I found to be so honest and enlightening. I’m on the other end where I knew I wanted kids since I was like 5 years old. I wasn’t sure about the whole husband and stuff but I knew I wanted kids. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there. When I spent the first 27 years trying NOT to get pregnant, I realized that I was terrified to start “trying” to have a baby because I wasn’t sure that I even COULD have babies! Lucky for me, we got preggers in the first month but I know many people who didn’t and struggled and stressed and felt pressured. We chose not to talk about the whole operation baby with anyone until we were pregnant. Also, I didn’t do ANYTHING to prepare…well I mean, we bought a house and cars and trained our dogs. But nothing to prepare my body I mean. And I wish I had. One we started “trying” I looked up some information online and realized how much thought should have gone into it. You know, ovulation dates, when to do it, blah blah blah. Again, lucky for me, things worked out anyways, but I’m just ranting about how you should probably read up at least some kinda info. Like starting prenatals early, which I also didn’t do.
Hmmmm…well I will say this. When I got married, everyone knew we wanted to start a family right away. That was it. I didn’t talk about it with anyone but hubby. I guess the reason is because I didn’t know if I would have trouble getting pregnant. I was 32 when we started trying. I always had a fear in the back of my mind that I might have trouble since I only had 4-5 periods a year. Not normal. However, I knew this before we walked down the aisle, because an entire year before we wed I ditched the pills and I charted so I could understand my body and when I ovulate. Yes, I am that type A. I wanted to have all the information in my hands when I went to visit my OB. Thanks to all the information I gathered, I knew when I ovulated and I became pregnant a month after I visited the OB and got the go ahead!! Planning, planning, planning.
Did I want to share all of this with my friends? Nope. It is stressful enough! Did I share this with my blog friends, yep! I guess it is easier since it is kind of anonymous in a way and there are tons of ppl out there going through it or have been through it. If you need a bigger support system, by all means, spread the word. However, I am kind of private, so I just kept it to myself! LOL. Oh, and one word of advice, if you aren’t familiar with charting, look into it. It totally helped me!! The more information you have, the better!!
We always knew we wanted kids (cause we’re good old Catholics and it is literally in the wedding vows).
Two of my husband’s aunts had babies so now the mister has baby fever. I have ‘can i get my life under control first’ fever.
We got married young, and I was pretty adamant about having a few years of our 20s to enjoy before hitting parenthood. And a huge part of that is “I don’t want to be that stereotypical super Christian person what will everyone think i should just grow my hair out long and wear prairie dresses” but now I’m starting to realize that I can’t worry about what people will think, but I should just do what is best for our family.
Which still entails waiting, ha.
First thing – babies in a backpack whilst skiing is just a bad idea.
A very, very BAD idea.
I don’t have children, but I have enough sense to NOT strap my child to my body while I engage in downhill skiing.
Morons.
Sorry.
Second thing – I understand you sharing your thoughts on having a baby here – on your blog. Especially considering you’re anonymous (well sort of) **WINK** So you’re allowed. You’re not breaking any rules. I actually enjoy reading about your thoughts, because I feel the same way (baby, no baby, baby, no baby). But I agree with you on the “we’re trying” (vomiting in my mouth a little) phrase – it’s just so TMI. The decision to have a family and get pregnant or adopt or whatever just doesn’t seem to be something that would be discussed in general conversation. I wouldn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t understand why so many woman are like, “Hey, how have you been? How’s work? Are you trying?” It’s just such an invasive question.
When people (and by people I mean other woman my age) ask, “so, are you going to start trying after the wedding,” I want to tell them that it’s really none of their business.
And that’s my two cents.
I did absolutely nothing to prepare for either of my pregnancies. I also did not tell a single soul that we were trying. That kind of grosses me out. But if I had had diagnosed fertility issues, I may have wanted to discuss them, I suppose.
I would definitely go to your OB to make sure your body is good to go. I did that and she found a fairly large benign dermoid cyst (like the one in the ladies neck in My Big Fat, Greek Wedding). Anyway, it would have caused problems if I got pregnant with that in me.
After that surgery in March ’08 and six-week recovery, then getting my body back on track, it still took until November ’08 for me to conceive. I miscarried and it took a while for my body to get back on track. Then we had lots of extenuating circumstances before we finally got pregnant again this past January. I’m NOT saying any of this to scare you, just confirming that it can take a while so it’s good to think ahead.
Starting three months or so before you are ready to start trying, you should start taking prenatals to get your body ready. A CRAZY amount of stuff develops in the first few weeks so you want to make sure all your folic acid levels are where they need to be, etc. You’ll start charting soon and you might want to come off the pill a couple months before you start trying to hit THE DAY (no pressure, right?) so that your body has time to find it’s normal rhythm again. Your OB should have good advice about all this.
I didn’t really talk with many people about the whole arduous process. It felt rather private… but blogging seems like a good place to vent and get advice.
I can honestly say that I don’t even want to have to think about the whole “planning” process of children. Sweating begins at first thought. Anxiety quickly follows, during the realization that there will never be a good time, especially for medical couples. For us, it’s not so much as the actual act of pregnancy/birth/parenting that freaks us out (now that I wrote that, I totally changed my mind and it obviously completely does), but even more the stage of leading up to it and the decisions, conversations, pros and cons lists, etc. When we decide that we’re ready to have kids, I think I’d rather just make that decision and wake up the next morning, a happy 8 weeks along. None of that waiting and guessing and anticipating and anxiety and crap.
But we are (probably) a really long way off from even getting remotely near to that place. So for the time being, I’ll just nod along and pretend like I understand. 🙂
(PS-is it weird that I thought of you today as I pulled on my boots to go ride??)
I did not want children for many years – most of my life, I guess. I didn’t think babies were cute – ever. While growing up, and even as a married woman, I noticed that the other girls and women around me always wanted to hold the baby in the room. I never did. Ever. There was not one inkling in me to ever want to hold someone else’s baby. When my husband and I felt like we wanted to have a baby, I worried incessantly that I had zilch of the nurturing, mothering abilities. Then, while pregnant, a woman told me that my mothering instincts would “automatically kick in” once I had the baby. Somehow that saved me. I completely believed her.
Then, it happened. He came, and I did change. The changes were so noticeable. It was so amazing.
But, even now I continue changing. It’s never done, you know? Like a check list. It was so against my nature to want children, but I am so grateful for those crazy strong feelings that moved me to temporarily want them – but long enough for them to find a way here. I’m sure I will continue to learn from my kids, even when they are 52 – if I’m still around then…
Now, with my oldest at eight years, I can see even more clearly the joys of forming families around us. I have loved reading about the relationship you have with your dad. It is one of the relationships you would do anything for and cherish deeply, I’m sure. I love the traits I have in common with my son, the similar interests and weaknesses. I love watching him grow and offering him encouragement and love. It really is magical to see him grow up, and to develop a strong relationship with him.
I think it’s so fun that you are sharing all of this! It’s something we all love to talk about – and you are such a fun writer and so explicit with your feelings – it is so fun to read. Also, you are totally normal, and I’m sure people are benefiting from your thoughts and feelings. Don’t feel weird about it!
Hmm….this is a tricky topic. I’m still in the No Baby camp, so it definitely freaks me out how you’ve changed teams so quickly. But at the same time, I’m kind of weirdly proud of you for thinking it through and investigating what you really want.
Anyway, my thoughts:
-Baby in skiing backpack…well, I’m not a parent, but I would probably be the cautious type. This scares me!
-Saying “we’re trying” out loud is kind of gross. I wouldn’t want or need to hear that from anyone. But I have to admit I sort of despise that phrase and I tend to be private. I think that you can glean whether a couple wants kids in other ways.
-I think it’s nice to share in this blog forum because it’s pseudo-anonymous and you can get all your worries, thoughts and anxieties out there.
-Best of luck with the baby stuff. My biggest recommendation is to look at your finances over the next year and just generally prepare. I think someone else already gave this advice.
-I think you would be a good mother, so if you do go the baby route, I think you will be okay! 🙂
I keep trying to say something insightful, but I’m coming up short.
All I have to say is, I’m having a baby next month and I am NOT READY. (And not in the, “Ahh! I don’t have a crib or car seat!” kind of way. (I do actually have a crib and car seat.))
But! I AM getting excited. So there’s that.
Again, nothing insightful to YOU and YOUR situation, but it’s all I got
I think it is funny how once you have sort of wrapped your mind around the whole “okay, we are going to do this…and we are going to do this at X time”, it becomes nearly impossible to think about anything else. All of a sudden, babies become the subject of conversation with just about everyone {regardless of whether you bring it up or even confess to your future plans}. And the subsequent awkwardness of trying to decide what {if anything} you will say. We are rapidly approaching the edge of the cliff–you know, the one where you just take that giant leap of faith into “trying” or whatever non-barf-inducing moniker you can bestow upon it– ourselves. The excitement is building, for both of us, daily. Which I think is a great thing–it means we are both truly ready. But, with that excitement comes a difficulty of keeping our mouths shut. Do we tell only our closest friends? Do we tell our parents? {And omg, we are currently living with his parents which just brings that to a whole new level of awkwardness!!} Do we just not say anything and grin like little kids knowing that Santa is going to be coming soon to bring them a present? Ha! It’s just all such a weird situation. And, what happens if it doesn’t happen as immediately as we both hope–then do we tell people? “Oh we have been trying for X months now….”. Or do we just keep making jokes about how our dogs are really our children.
I think you just have to do what feels right and embrace it. Or, so I tell myself. For the record, everytime I call my mom now, she answers the phone with “do you have any exciting news for me??”. Clearly I am about as hard to read as size 48 font.
we just said – “we’re flying without a net”. it tells everyone absolutely nothing, yet leave open the possibility of something happening.
When I finally got my husband to agree upon a set date to stop the birth control, I was so excited! Like you, the date was several months away but unlike you, I have ALWAYS wanted children. To feel like I was being productive towards my goal (of a baby), I began going to yard sales on the weekends and “just looking” at baby stuff – ok, and buying stuff too! But since it was at yard sales on Saturdays (when hubby wasn’t home anyway), I figured I was saving money on items I would need (like expensive maternity clothes) while also keeping myself occupied on the long lonely weekends. When we officially stopped the birth control, I had quite the stash of baby stuff….plenty of maternity clothes, several baby outfits, misc items, a baby carseat, bassinet…I know – I went overboard a bit. But I got all these items at sales and paid very reasonable prices ($1-3 each for maternity clothes that were barely used…). I thought this was a PERFECT way to keep myself busy and feel productive towards my goal (babies are expensive afterall – this will save me $$ in the future). And this would have been the perfect plan except that I didn’t get pregnant – at least not yet. This will be the 30th month we have been “trying” (done 6 cycles of clomid, 3 IUI’s and 1 IVF; turns out I have PCOS) – and I have hidden all those items I bought in closets. There are only a very small % of people who actually have infertility issues, but my advice would be not to go overboard planning. At first I would go through the items thinking how proud I was that I had saved so much money – and now I dread going to that closet.
This? Sounds pretty much exactly like what would be going through my head if I were to be married and on the verge of converting to maybe-babies-aren’t-evil-and-I-might-maybe-want-to-have-one. Eerie.