Now that I have broached the Baby Subject with you, Internet, I feel obligated to continue to update you even if there is nothing really update-worthy.
Because, after all, I continue to think about Operation: Yes, Babies May Make an Appearance in Our Future, or Actually Just One Baby SINGULAR Because Thinking of More Than One When I Have Just So Recently Decided That One Is a Possibility Makes Me Light-Headed all the time. Like, ALL the time.
So much so that I have to consciously NOT talk about it. And then I think that it’s obvious that I am studiously avoiding the subject. Case in Point: I was Very Carefully Not Talking About Babies in the car with my dad recently and he all of a sudden said something like, “So, do you have any more questions about becoming a parent?” which proves a) that parents CAN read their kids’ minds and b) that it is painfully obvious that all I can think about is BABIES!!!!
Anyway, I made a point to Discuss Babies with my parents over our vacation. Firstively, because I felt it would be a Big Shock to them, that their lifelong baby-hating daughter was suddenly planning on someday having one of the very babies she spent so many years hating. I mean, I didn’t want them thinking that whatever Future Potential Baby we should be blessed with was unplanned or unwanted. (Not that unplanned babies are in any way inferior to planned ones. Let me be clear on THAT.) (Also, the very thought of my parents considering whether my husband and I had a planned or unplanned pregnancy gives me the hibbity jibbities.)
Secondably, I consider my parents to be Quite Knowledgeable about Many Things. And with such a vast store of knowledge at my fingertips, it only makes sense to take advantage, you know?
Thirdively, it is ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
I mean, I told my father quite honestly that I still don’t really WANT a baby. But, as I explained in my last ridiculous post on the subject, I feel like there are a lot of good reasons to go for it. And, based partly on your thoughtful comments, I mentioned to him that I thought there was a possibility I might regret NOT having a kid, but that there was a much SMALLER chance that I’d regret HAVING a kid. This worried him, Internet. He said, “It’s a big decision,” as though he thought I was just having a kid on a whim or to please someone else or something. But then, after seeing me go all goo-goo eyes around some babies (there were a surprising number of babies at the ski resort), he acknowledged that perhaps I did have It, It being Baby Fever.
— TANGENT —
By the way… I have been skiing since I could walk. So I know that babies have their place on the ski hill.
BUT I saw two separate people skiing with a baby on their back in a little backpack type thing (this MUST have some sort of name) and I was… surprised. I mean, actual parents know a lot more about these things than I do, OBVIOUSLY, and I am trying very hard not to be judgmental about something I know NOTHING about… but it seems rather unsafe to strap an infant to your back and go swooshing down a mountain. (In one case, the skier was wearing a helmet but the infant was not. Which seems… weird.) I mean, accidents happen. (And yes, I know, accidents happen ANYWHERE, you could be sitting in your living room and an elephant could crash through your wall and trample you. I GET IT.) But I guess I am big on Not Inviting Trouble. And strapping a baby to your back while hurtling down a steep, snow-covered incline as dozens of idiots rocket past you on all sides seems like the definition of Inviting Trouble. But that is JUST ME. I do not ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING, let’s all be clear.
I suppose I should become a parent before I start worrying about the act of parentING, right?
— END TANGENT —
After my last post and all your positive feedback, I got really excited about Operation: Baby. I rushed out and bought The Book and I thought about all these questions for my parents (which turned out to not be all that many, oddly enough) and I braced myself for The Big Conversation with them and then… I realized that 2013 is still kind of far away.
As we discussed last time, there is no perfect time to have a baby yada yada yada. But a better time to have a baby – for my husband and me – would be during his second year of fellowship. Just to recap: He is a third-year medical resident. He has one more year of residency. Hopefully – if all goes well (and we won’t know if all is well until June 15) – my husband will match into a fellowship program that will begin in July of 2012. By his second year of fellowship – beginning in July of 2013 – we will (hopefully) be settled in whatever city we live in… My husband will (hopefully) be settled in his program… And we will still have a good two years of fellowship before we have to potentially move again, either for a year of even more specialized fellowship or so my husband can join a hospital/practice.
So. 2013. Even when you take into account going off BCPs for six months and then 10 months of pregnancy and even a few months (and listen, I KNOW things don’t always – in fact, rarely – go as planned. I KNOW it could take months or years or it could not happen at ALL. I get it. This is Best Case Scenario we are talking here.) for, well, you know (DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT), we don’t need to really think about Operation: Baby until January of 2012.
That’s, like, almost a YEAR.
So that gives me a lot of time to sit here, thinking about babies All the Time and not DOING anything about it.
I mean, I think it’s clear I need to get into shape. And I need to take more vitamins. And take the vitamins I ALREADY take more regularly. And I should probably go visit my OB to… I don’t know, honestly. Assess the situation? (Dear lord I don’t even want to THINK what “the situation” means in this context.) (Insert Jersey Shore crack here.)
Possibly I should read more? Aside from The Book, is there anything I need to be reading?
And what else? Shouldn’t I be DOING something? To PREPARE? Or whatever?
Perhaps I should just shut up about the whole thing so I a) don’t scare my husband too badly and b) don’t annoy the crap out of everyone.
Of course, there’s the Other Issue. Which is, Now that I’ve brought All This up to you and my parents, do I need to, you know, keep everyone apprised?
I have already expressed my distaste for the term “we’re trying.” I honestly don’t mind if OTHER people say it, because I am nosy. But it creeps me out to apply that term to myself. My husband and I spend all our time working, watching The Office, and playing Trivial Pursuit, okay? THAT’S IT.
But even more than my general barfingshudderness for “we’re trying” is my fear that others knowing about Operation: Baby puts a certain amount of pressure on the situation. (This is a whole other “situation” than the one referred to earlier. At least, I think it is.)
I mean, what if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason? Is it going to be annoying to have people saying, “So! Where’s the baby?!” I suppose some people would say that anyway, as some people firmly believe that having babies is What Married People Are Supposed to Do. But I think telling people about Operation: Baby would invite more of those questions.
But then again, maybe it would be nice to have the support? I know of some bloggers who have shared their fertility struggles, and while I haven’t really read those blogs because they didn’t apply to me at the time, it seems to me that they are helpful for both the blogger and the blogger’s readers who are going through similar situations. Not to mention the heartbreakingly real possibility of other problems. I think it might be nice to be able to talk about those things, should we have to endure them. But then again, what if I don’t FEEL like talking about them? And what if my husband, suddenly faced with Something Terrible, decides – as is his prerogative – that he doesn’t want me talking about it?
But then again, again, do I really want my mother or mother-in-law or best friend or blog acquaintance checking in on The Situation (is this a third situation? Or a reprise? I don’t know anymore.) and making me all uncomfortable about them being all up in our private personal business? But maybe I will LIKE having people all up in my business?
I just don’t know, Internet. I just don’t know.
I suppose, with January 2012 (i.e. The Earliest We Need to REALLY Think About Operation: Baby) being quite a ways off yet, I have a while to get things all straightened out. Once I figure out what those “things” are, natch.
For now, I just know that I feel WEIRD. The same sort of WEIRD I felt when I just got engaged… or when I just got married. Like something in my life was fundamentally different. Like I was Changed in some dramatic and remarkable way. That everyone around me would look at me and do an instant double take because I was emanating WEIRDNESS.
That’s how strange it is, to have decided that I am no longer a Non Baby Person. That, instead, I am a person who is planning for Operation: Baby in the not-too-distant future.