Step 1: Renounce carbs.
Step 2: Plan week’s meals with husband; discover that pretty much every meal you like includes carbs in some form.
Step 2a: Commence weeping and rending of clothes.
Step 3: Make tacos for dinner.
Step 4: Ignore husband when he asks, “You know taco shells are carbs, right?”
Step 5: Contract raging case of Bagel Craving.
Step 6: Forego a package of Lender’s bagels (what? I LIKE them) for a single bagel from the grocery store bakery.
Step 7: Respond to husband’s question, “Isn’t a bagel pure carbohydrates?” by saying “I’ll show you a carbohydrate… right to the junk!”
Step 8: Decide to eat bagel.
Step 8a: Discover that, unlike Lender’s bagels, this stupid bagel is not pre-cut.
Step 9: Commence cutting bagel in half.
Step 9a: Stab self in middle finger with tip of knife.
Step 9b: Do not look at blood do not look at blood do not look at blood.
Step 9c: Hold bleeding finger under ice cold water; feel grateful for the first time ever that the water is so goddamn cold.
Step 9d: Wrap a bandaid around frozen finger, effectively cutting off circulation.
Step 9e: Inspect knife for errant blood spatter.
Step 9e1: Determine that errant is not the word you mean; keep it anyway.
Step 9e2: Poetic license, y’all.
Step 9f: Resume cutting bagel in half. Carefully this time.
Step 10: Place half of bagel in toaster oven.
Step 11: Place other half of bagel back in bagel bag.
Step 12: Put honey in the microwave.
Step 13: Briefly consider asking Twitter if butter that’s been left out on top of the toaster oven for three weeks is okay to eat.
Step 13a: Decide, Naaaahhhhh about asking Twitter. The butter’s fine, man.
Step 14: Hear a pop from the microwave.
Step 15: Open the microwave just as the honey bottle tips over and squirts honey all over the microwave door, the stove, and the floor.
Step 15a: Briefly consider closing the microwave door and moving.
Step 16: Turn on the hot water while mopping up whatever honey has not immediately congealed into a sticky, impossible mess.
Step 16a: Chant new mantra of “at least it’s not sugar” whilst mopping.
Step 17: Run a paper towel under the hot water.
Step 17a: The goddamn water is still ice cold.
Step 17b: BLARGH.
Step 17c: Run paper towel under lukewarm water.
Step 18: Clean up remaining honey mess.
Step 19: Place toasted bagel on plate.
Step 20: Slather with “butter,” if you can call it that.
Step 21: Sprinkle buttered bagel with salt. (YUM.)
Step 22: Squirt honey onto bagel.
Step 22a: Miss bagel entirely and instead squirt the Giant Crevasse of Doom that lies between the counter and the stove.
Step 23: Is this really worth it?
Step 24: Clean up the honey as best as possible.
Step 24a: But obviously you can’t clean anything inside the Giant Crevasse of Doom.
Step 24b: So just leave that alone.
Step 24c: Consider fashioning some sort of “Welcome, Ants!” banner to affix to the honey inside the Crevasse.
Step 24d: Decide, Naaaaaaaahhhhhhh, ants don’t read so good.
Step 25: Sit down.
Step 26: Eat bagel.
Step 27: Endure hours of mild stomach discomfort, possibly related to the “butter” substance smeared all over the bagel.
Step 28: Vow to never eat a carb again.