I honestly don’t know if it’s the Jekyll-and-Hyde weather we’re having that can’t decide between beautiful! sunny! spring is here! and grey grey gregagrygreygrey grey… Or if my challenging work project has sapped the part of my brain normally used for being pleasant… Of if it is THAT TIME AGAIN, LADIES, if-yah-no-wah-dye-meeeeeen… Or if I’m merely horrified that, holy cats, it’s already April.
But I am grouch to the face today and since you are kind and sweet enough to visit me on a regular basis and give me compliments even when I don’t deserve them and offer me useful and much-appreciated advice (oh my god THANK YOU for the comments about the book club dinner)… clearly it follows that I should PUNISH you with some excessive caps lock action and bullet points rather than write a real post.
LET THE FUN BEGIN.
1. I turned on my television the other day – the very same electrical appliance that I use Every Single Day – and didn’t know how to operate it. Seems like the cable company came in and switched things up when I wasn’t looking. Where are my channels? How come I can’t fast forward times 4 anymore? I just want to watch Gilmore Girls reruns, cable company! Please stop effing with me! [Edited to add: My husband came home and helped me figure things out. But the DVR? It doesn’t recognize Community and Parks and Recreation as shows. What the hell is up with that? (What up wit dat? What up wit dat?)]
2. When I need to look something up, my first stop is the little search field in the top right corner of my Mozilla web browser. Todaym I typed something in and IT SENT ME TO YAHOO. I do not use Yahoo, Mozilla. What kind of bull shit are you trying to pull here? SEND ME TO GOOGLE.
3. Hamburger buns make me gag. What is the deal, y’all? I mean, bread is bread is bread, no? So why is a Kaiser roll a heavenly vehicle for an oval of grilled cow slathered in cheddar… while a “hamburger bun” – so named, I suspect, because it is specifically intended to cradle a “hamburger” in its bunny arms – collapses in a mushy, soggy, spongey mass the instant the burger touches it?
4. On occasion I go back and re-read an old post I’ve written. And sometimes I find typos. Which I HATE. And it takes all my will power not to go back into the post and fix them. Sometimes the thought of those typos, sitting there, mocking me, haunts me for days. Why no, I have not been diagnosed with OCD, thank you for asking!
5. I made about 29,000 typos in that last bullet because now even my fingers are mocking me. Also? I cannot type “typos” without misspelling it. THE IRONY.
6. Spending money on anything except clothing makes me hyperventilate. I really don’t get this. Why can I easily drop $300 at J Crew… while the thought of spending that same $300 on a plane ticket to visit my family requires Extreme Hand-Wringing?
7. FYI – I do not drop $300 at J Crew very often. Zappos, that’s another story. But only because I have, like, a 1-in-7900 success ratio with stuff I buy from Zappos. So most of the money I spend goes right back on the credit card once I try on a pair of beautiful shoes, cry about them not fitting, and mail them back.
8. Do you think it would be fun to be friends with a bunch of comedians? I love Kathy Griffin, and she often has these wacky adventures with other comedians. Seems like that would either be hilarious or annoying. I mean, comedians, by their very nature, are funny. (Or are supposedly funny.) So that would be good times. But hanging around people who can never be serious? Who are always trying to one-up you with their jokes? Who are always searching for a reason to mock you? Who always expect you to laugh politely even if you are bored or not listening or think they just told a real stinker? Yeah, that would be irritating.
9. Being an intermediary sucks. Always. This is something I wish I could write about, because it is driving me nuts and making me grounchy. But it is, in fact, One of Those Things that I am not going to write about because it involves people I love who wouldn’t appreciate me bitching about them for all the Interwebs to see. I just wish that Some People would just understand that I was not the person who made the decision, and I am trying to smooth things over between you, and you getting irritated at the other person and expecting me to do something about it is Very Stressful and Also Won’t Do Any Good because the decision has been made and I can’t do anything in either direction without damaging relationships. And the only thing I hate worse than being an intermediary is having someone I love be mad at me. See? Grounchy. And passive aggressive, apparently.
10. You are right in that “grounchy” is not a real word. It is, in fact, a typo. But I am saying “screw it” and leaving the “n” in there intentionally. Take taht, typeos!