While we are not experiencing Snowpocalypse 2010: The White Monster That Ate Baltimore like most of the U.S., it has been snowing here. And cold. Our stupid heating bill was a ridiculous three-figure amount last month, so I have secretly been turning the heat down to keep the cost under control.
(Brief Tangent: I know many people deal with three-figure heating bills in the winter. In fact, when our leasing agent told us it would be upwards of this amount each month, I laughed like it was the best joke I’d ever heard. I have never had a bill like this before, mainly because we are the Luckiest Renters Ever. In college, we lived in the dorms. Which means big bills for the parentals (thank you, Mom and Dad!), but none for us. In grad school, we lived in a place where winter was uber mild. In med school, we lived in a place that included all utilities – and CABLE – in the rent. So. Yes. Lucky. And now – Freaking Out.)
All of this is a long-winded introduction to the fact that I have been watching a lot of TV. Curled up on the couch in a sweatshirt, wrapped in a blanket. And pants. Pajama pants. And I heart my TV, don’t get me wrong. But the commercials are KILLING ME. “But Mrs. D,” you may be saying. “There is an easy solution to this problem. Simply stop watching TV. Pick up a book for Pete’s sake. GO TO THE GYM.”
To you, I say, “Lalalalalalala, I can’t hear you!”
So. Bullets. Again. But this time! About commercials!
1. First of all, I am a big fan of Christmas commercials. But Valentine’s Day commercials make me ultra stabby. Vermont Teddy Bear? NOT A GOOD GIFT. I am not opposed to plush animals. They can be very sweet and adorable. I have a stuffed elephant on my dresser that my husband sent me ten thousand years ago when we were separated from each other during the summer. He sent me a nearly empty bottle of cologne with it, and I would spray the elephant with his cologne and pine for him. Woe!
But the Vermont Teddy Bears, well, they look sort of cheap. GRANTED all I know of them is how they appear on TV. So perhaps they are really cute and snuggly in person. Perhaps, much as the camera adds 10 pounds to humans, it adds a layer of raggedy dime-store reject to the VTBs.
Plus, the commercials are So Unbelievable. Firstly, what kind of office is it that those women work in? The office where they wear lots of makeup and super tight skirts and very low cut shirts? It’s not any office I’ve worked in, that’s for sure. Secondly, if one woman in an office gets a V-Day gift, don’t the other women make fake “aww how nice” noises before pointedly ignoring that bitch whose thoughtful hubby sent her a V-Day gift at work? (I actually don’t know – I don’t work in an office. This impression comes from an episode of The Office where Pam got nothing from her fiance and then had to watch as Phyllis’s boyfriend Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration sent her eight thousands bouquets of flowers and a giant bear. Which would piss me off, too.) Thirdly, it’s not a dozen roses or a diamond necklace or a giant box of Godiva. (All worth ooohs and aaahs.) It’s a Vermont Teddy Bear.
So. To recap. Diamonds: good. Vermont Teddy Bears: annoying.
2. Yes, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is selling jewelry at Kay Jewelers. I think the sentiment behind the open hearts collection is very sweet. What a nice tribute to Dr. Q’s mom. But to me, the end result looks nothing like two open hearts. It looks like a snakey Z. I don’t know about you, but a serpentine Z does not make my heart all ooey gooey.
3. Taco Bell, we need to chat. What the hell are you doing? Charles Barkley is a basketball legend. But he cannot rap. And the “rap” about your “box that rocks” is kind of like a Dr. Seuss book drugged up on sleeping pills. It does not rhyme. It does not make a whole lot of sense. It does not make me want tacos. (FAIL, Taco Bell. Almost anything makes me want tacos.)
Worse, that stupid jingle is surprisingly catchy. Get out of my head, Charles Barkley!
4. Speaking of catchy. The Check Into Cash commercial is a horrible, horrible earworm that plagues me from morning til night.
5. Anyone else looking forward to Valentine’s Day: The Movie with 8,000 People and No Discernible Plot opening this weekend? I am. Because then maybe all the commercials for it will STOP.
6. Worse than the Vermont Teddy Bear commercials is the Pajama Gram commercials. The line, “This is the best way to get your wife or girlfriend to take off her clothes” makes me roll my eyes every time. Also? I don’t know about your husband/boyfriend/whomever… but mine is not about to buy me long-sleeved, long-legged flannel PJs for the Most Romantic Day of the Year. If he were to buy me lingerie (which, let’s face it, he won’t because Victoria’s Secret is terrifying.), it would be of the lacy and/or skimpy variety.
By the way, being that I wear pajamas every day, I love getting pajamas as a gift. From my mom. Or sisters-in-law. Not from my husband. From him, I much prefer JEWELRY.
7. Was I the only one who cried when that Google commercial played on Super Bowl Sunday? Romance in search form. Awwwwww.
8. I am pleased with Toyota’s new apology campaign. It comes across as very sincere. And I think it’s admirable that they are owning up to the Giant Mess that is their products, rather than trying to sweep the whole ordeal under the rug.
9. RE: Cop Out – What was Bruce Willis thinking?
10. My husband and I have not seen the automatic soap dispensing commercial again. He thinks it is because the company has finally realized what an idiotic product it is. I think it is mainly because I have been watching CSI marathons on Spike, a channel that caters mainly to men looking to buy V-Day gifts for their women or erectify their man-meat, not keep their hands germ-free.
Happy Friday y’all. Hope you have a super, commercial-free Valentine’s Day.