Awhile ago, I wrote about The Thing.
Here – you may read/re-read it if you like.
If you prefer NOT to read/re-read, I will summarize: The Thing is a TOTALLY NORMAL fact (or facts) about you that you prefer to avoid in conversation because it evokes a Judgmental Reaction in other people. It shouldn’t be a big deal, because it isn’t a big deal, yet it changes the way people see/talk to/interact with you.
We all have The Thing. Or many Things.
Things that we prefer not to discuss. Or we prefer to discuss only with a certain subset of people. Or we reserve for those who know us the best.
Things that we prefer to reveal – when we feel like revealing them – on our own, to the people we choose.
Let’s pretend that my Thing is owning 16 cats.
(Listen. I do NOT own 16 cats, or ANY cats. The cats are a PLACEHOLDER.)
I would also like to say up front that I WISH I could own 16 cats (or ANY cats) and that I certainly wouldn’t pass judgment on anyone who owned cats, 16 or otherwise.
But knowing that I own (I do NOT) 16 cats might set off a Judgmental Reaction in some people.
They might think things like, “Oh, I bet she has trouble getting a man.” Or, “I bet her house smells.” Or, “Man, she is headed straight for that Animal Hoarders show on TLC.”
And because I am (but I’m NOT) a cat owner, and I’ve had YEARS to encounter these reactions and I’ve spent YEARS explaining myself and enduring questions about “What’s wrong with you?” and statements like “Dogs are way better than cats. You should get a dog.” I will likely prefer not to reveal this information about myself until I’ve assessed whether the person with whom I’m sharing the information is a Judgmental Reactor or not.
I may decide to wait to reveal this information until I know that person very well.
I may, in fact, choose to NEVER reveal this information about myself to certain people.
And that is fine. Because it is my Thing (it’s not) and it’s up to me whether to share it or not.
But there is one problem standing in the way of Proper Thing Revelation Making. And that is Other People.
I mean, it’s bad enough that you have this Thing to begin with. It’s worse to have to figure out how to bring it up with people who don’t know.
But worst of all is when someone else bares your Thing to the world without your permission. (“Bares your Thing.” Heh heh. Dirty.)
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been “outed” by other people. When that happens, of course, there’s nothing to do but grit your teeth and listen to the inevitable judgmental questions and statements and un-funny jokes and strained awkwardness.
I think this makes me particularly sensitive to revealing information about others. If you tell me something, I will probably not pass it on. Unless it’s something that seems, on the surface, to be very benign. Like the fact that your favorite cookie is the gingersnap, for instance. Or that you enjoy boating.
Of course, you can argue that ANYTHING could be another person’s Thing. And that they hate the long, boring conversations about the relative merits of speed boats vs. sail boats and they absolutely dread the lectures about the unforgivable inappropriateness of a non-Christmas gingersnap.
So I think that we should stipulate that The Thing is typically something about you that is unusual in some way. Something that makes you stand out from most other people. Maybe you have a third nipple. Maybe you won the National Spelling Bee at age nine. Maybe you only eat purple foods.
Those things would merit reaction, no? Questions. Wonder. Awe.
Now, maybe you find this knowledge irresistible. Maybe it makes you feel inferior in some way, and it’s all you can think about, and all you want to do is blurt it out so others can feel inferior, too. Maybe you have a very strong Judgmental Reaction to this Thing, and you want other people to echo your feelings. Or maybe it simply delights you and you want to share that delight with others.
But let’s agree that when it comes to those kind of unusual delightful little details, you should allow the person to share it with others him/herself.
Now, of course there are exceptions!
When it comes to my Thing (the real one, not the “16 cats” Thing that I MADE UP for this post), my mother and father have free rein to share it with others. I can’t explain why. But… they just CAN. Same goes for my husband, although I have to say: he would only share it in an appropriate situation.
Also, if you know two people who share The Thing, then it does seem okay to introduce them to one another, using The Thing as a point of commonality. (To the other person ONLY, not to a large group of people.)
Maybe, for instance, if The Thing is that your friends both climbed Mount Everest, you could say, “Alicia, I wanted you to meet Greg because you both have such a fascination with mountain climbing. You may have even scaled some of the same mountains!”
Or instead of saying, “Alicia! Greg has 16 cats just like you do!” you could say, “Alicia, you and Greg will have so much to talk about – you are both cat lovers!”
Or you might not come out and say, “Alicia, you and Greg are both vegans!” But it would be totally acceptable to say, “Alicia, Greg just told me that Vegan Palace is his favorite restaurant, too!”
Of course, some Things are a lot easier to introduce than a lot of other Things might be.
You probably wouldn’t say, “Alicia, you and Greg both posed nude for a national magazine!” or “Alicia, you and Greg both had cancer as kids!” or “Alicia, you and Greg are both adopted!”
Anyway. What I’m saying is that:
a) We ALL (well, at least MANY) of us have The Thing.
b) Knowing that, we can and should be sensitive to the fact that people we meet may ALSO have The Thing.
c) Knowing THAT, we can and should try to avoid sharing information that might cause the other person discomfort… which may take some empathy and a little bit of mind reading and a big dose of mind our own business.
Now, let’s be honest: we will ALL slip up. It is IMPOSSIBLE to know that sharing a friend’s love of astrology is going to put him in the middle of a terribly frustrating and insulting conversation about how astrology is hog wash and people who believe in astrology are stupid and so on.
But if we are in general AWARE that some piece of information we know about another person may not be ours to share… Well. Then the world will be a better place.
Of course YOU know all this, Internet. I know you. You are kind and thoughtful and non-judgmental to the max.
So please don’t take this post as me scolding YOU or saying YOU need to change.
I am just frustrated at the person who outed my Thing the other day. She did so without MALICE, I’m sure. But it was a totally random and inappropriate situation, in which she’d introduced me to a brand new person I’d never met – a person on whom I’d like to leave a favorable impression – and then IMMEDIATELY and OUT OF THE BLUE she threw my Thing right out into the open.
It wasn’t an accident. It didn’t naturally flow from the conversation. I was asking where the new person was from, and my friend blurted out: “SHE HAS 16 CATS!” (I do not have 16 cats. PLACEHOLDER.)
Of course, what followed was typical:
“Oh, how interesting.”
“16 cats? I could never have 16 cats! They would drive me crazy!”
“Oh I’m terribly allergic to cats – I better stay away from YOU, you’re practically one of them, HAHA.”
“Hahahaha – I thought only crazy old ladies had that many cats!”
“Do you ever worry that you’ll fall down and not be able to move and the cats will eat you?”
SEE WHY I MAKE CAREFUL CHOICES ABOUT WHEN AND HOW AND TO WHOM I REVEAL THE THING?
What miffed me the most is that my friend has The Thing too. It took her a very long time to share The Thing with me. So even though she told me it wasn’t a secret, per se, her reticence in opening up about it means that I would never share with someone else. Because it is her Thing to share.
(And okay, okay. You could argue that her Thing is much more clearly A Thing than mine is. But STILL. We are not going to get into levels of relative Thingness here!)
Anyway. I am not lecturing YOU, Internet. I am pouting in a lecture-y way in an attempt to clear out all the lingering frustration I have for this girl for outing me.
HOWEVER, please do not suggest that I simply talk to her about it and explain how I feel and tell her not to share my Thing with others. Because one aspect of my Thing is that most people seem not to understand why it would bother me. (That’s because it isn’t their Thing.)
And yes, I know we should EMBRACE our Things and be PROUD of them, because they are part of what makes us who we are. We are all unique snowflakes and besides, I shouldn’t care what other people think blah blah blah self-confidencecakes.
That’s all well and good. But I still get to choose the people with whom I embrace my Thing.
Well. I am getting CRANKIER the more I type and it seems that I am starting to veer into Sexual Innuendo Territory, which is not my intention. So I am going to stop here.
The last time you posted about this, I talked about how my Thing is my brother. And that’s true, but do you want to know my Real Thing? The Thing that I’m more uncomfortable sharing with people than I am the fact that my brother died?
*Deep Breath* I don’t like chocolate.
Now before you start, I know, I know. I don’t know how it happened either. And here is where I clarify, as I do like some chocolate – as in chocolate chip cookies or brownies or chocolate ice cream. And I will occasionally crave a Snickers. But plain chocolate like a Hershey’s kiss or M & Ms? No.
I hope we can still be friends.
I DON’T LIKE CHOCOLATE EITHER!
I mean, like you, I like it SOMETIMES. Like chocolate chip cookies. And Reese’s peanut butter cups. And brownies. And chocolate ice cream. But chocolate is SO not my go-to sweet. And I haaaaaaaate Hershey’s kisses and M&Ms and Dove bars and my husband buys these Ghirardelli chip things and NO. No thank you.
As if I needed another reason to like you …
You’re really not making me less curious about your thing. (That sounds dirty.)
I’m also a little self-conscious because I can’t think of A Thing I have. Which obviously means sometime today someone will blurt out something about me and I’ll be like ohhhhh, THAT’S my thing. THANKS FOR SHARING IT.
Oh! I’ve come up with one. I was about to say I wish you were coming to PJs@TJs next week (internet meet-up thing, if you’re not familiar), because I’d love to meet you. Which made me realize I don’t really want to bring up in everyday conversation the fact that I fly places to meet people I know from the internet. It was somewhat uncomfortable describing where I was going when I missed meetings to go to the Blathering in 2010 and 2011. It’s not that I’m ashamed or think it’s weird…just that I don’t want to answer all the questions or have people *think* I’m weird or worry I’m going off to be murdered by internet crazies.
YES. This is definitely one of My Things: the whole Internet stuff. Like, only a very few people in the whole world know I have a blog. And it’s not something I tell people. Same goes for Internet friends. There is just such a STIGMA. Or, if not stigma, at least UNBRIDLED CURIOSITY. And it’s annoying.
(I would love to meet you too! I hope you have a blast!!)
Yes! The whole blog business is another Thing. I am getting used to it but I was at dinner last night and we were talking about me as a Blogger and it was…weird. And uncomfortable. And yes, I am dying to know about your Thing.
Ha, Jessica, I told everyone I was going to an informal reunion of my college friends!
Kristina- maybe you don’t like Hershey’s or M&Ms because they are crappy chocolate? Get your hands on the good stuff!
I know you said not to suggest that you talk to her about it- but your reasoning for that is most people don’t understand why it’s a Thing. However, you said she’s had the same Thing! So, she should understand.
Ah – sorry about that: Her Thing is different than mine. And hers is… severe. Like A Thing that most reasonable people would probably think, “Oh, that is not my news to share.” While mine is A Thing pretty much just for me.
Hehe – I wish that was the case, because chocolate is obviously divine for some people, but nope, even the good stuff is totally yuck to me
I have discovered people are relatively oblivious of the things that come out of their mouth when talking about someone. What we find to be personal or sensitive in nature they might think is fascinating or noteworthy. Mostly it is unintentional, but sometimes it is malicious. My Aunt for example LOVES to tell perfect strangers that my husband and I are pagan, and she doesn’t do it in a polite way, she always says it with this snide disdain AND WE ARE STANDING RIGHT THERE. “This is my niece and her husband. They are…pagan ” Not that I am ashamed of what I am, its just a topic that is not well received by a lot of people. I have been spit on for it in the past, and I typically like to avoid all situations where strangers (well anyone really) spit on me.
My big thing though, the one I try and avoid talking about with anyone at all costs, is the fact that I don’t eat seafood or drink tea. I HATE having to tell people that because it is always then and endless string of “Well you just haven’t had good seafood/tea…” and suggestion after suggestion. People my father is a general manager of a national seafood chain and my husband is a Cajun seafood chef, I promise you I have had ‘good’ seafood. I have also tried every tea imaginable. I just don’t like the stuff. Leave me alone.
And I totally ranted there in my comment and didn’t even mean to. Oops.
Anyways I understand your frustration. People are dumb.
The spitting thing? Oh, you poor dear. That is horrible.
And yes – people DO try to convert you! I hate tomatoes, but I always get the, “Oh, well, you’ve just never had a really GOOD tomato.” Wrong.
OK, so is your Thing really something akin to not like chocolate or seafood? In that case, give the person a break. If it’s something like you have a webbed foot, then that lady had no business sharing and a convo is in order.
My thing is that when I wrote a book this past year….my husband would tell people and if they read it; he would ask them if they liked it….usually right in front of me….OMG!……how embarrassing….. and he does the same thing with my blog….”did you know my wife writes a blog…it’s called…..xxxxxxxxxx, you should read it.
How interesting – and what a great title! Having multiple relatives who are entirely tactless and oblivious to normal social rules like these, I greatly appreciate your post and all the comments. I have traveled a long, occasionally difficult road by unintentionally setting people off on their Things. Innocently, but I would have known better had I been taught better. I apologize right here and now for any past misdeeds I may have unwittingly inflicted on any of you!
I myself am rarely embarrassed or offended, however, having decided as an adolescent that it wasn’t worth my trouble and only made me look bad to react in any negative way, particularly since even then I knew I had a propensity for offending people unintentionally. For the people who try to ‘convert’ me in whatever it is – say religion, I smile and nod and say I appreciate their comments. And share common beliefs to calm them down. For other more personal details, say health, I may consider it appropriate to let them blabber on without response even though they have no idea what I really feel like or what my problems really are since they don’t show on the outside. For other visible problems (say children) I smile bravely and let people judge the tantrum tyrants for themselves while seeing I am bravely unaffected and maintaining my composure. And no one is hurt because I choose not to be hurt, myself, even if these things are annoying. If despite this, I did actually get hurt, I would probably tell that person in private and tell them why or how I got hurt. And work to mend the relationship as needed.
But, to each his own! If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time on earth, it’s that everyone is different and that that doesn’t need to bother me (even if sometimes a difference will evoke a moment of discomfort as I adjust). We solve our own problems, we learn at our own paces, we enjoy doing different things and have different Things.
This has revived my Thing Curiosity that had finally died down after the LAST post!
I have several Things. One is blogging. One is my divorce. One is that I used to be a Christian. One is that I don’t like mango.
I think my last favorite CATEGORY of automatic-response is: “Psssh, you don’t know what you’re talking about; the problem is that you THINK you don’t like X, but actually you haven’t tried enough TYPES of X to have made that decision. If you tried REAL coffee, a GOOD exercise program, zucchini the way _I_ cook it, a GOOD church, a REAL patchouli scent, etc., THEN you wouldn’t say you didn’t like coffee, exercise, zucchini, church, patchouli!”
BUT WHAT IS THE THING?????????????????????????????
That’s all I actually got out of this post.
Hahahaha I am also ridiculously curious about your thing. This reminds me of the time Emily from Not That You Asked shared some secret Thing she does hygiene-wise that she is super self-conscious about / her husband doesn’t know about. I’m STILL thinking about her damn Thing and that was YEARS ago, so it would be super awesome if you outed yourself so I don’t have to comment about you AND Emily the next time a blogger tortures me with their seeeeeeecrets.
I so want to know what The Thing is. My mind is going crazy with the possibilities!
I hate it when this happens. My Thing gets outed a lot. And it frustrates me because almost everyone in the world has a very judgmental view of my Thing and so even if they don’t judge me to my face… they are judging/have judged people with this Thing in the past. So it’s annoying when it’s just thrown out there without my awareness that it’s coming or a chance to prepare for it. Grr.
For the love of Pete could you pleeeeease put us out of our misery and (make up something) tell us what your Thing is! It is eating at my brain.
And I have heard that it takes 2 weeks (or four, depending on who is doing the saying) to change your taste buds (reason to give children 10 chances before they can decide they dislike something) and so I wonder if anyone who dislikes chocolate above could eat some every day for two weeks and then let us know if their taste buds changed? I am curious, but unwilling to try the experiment with mushrooms. (blech.)
My grandmother swears that if you don’t like olives, all you have to do is eat seven of them in a row without taking a drink in between. I hate olives and she’s told me this all my life. My question, however, is why–if I truly dislike olives and olives are not necessary to my nutritional intake–I would eat SEVEN disgusting olives just to possibly like them in the future. Just, why?
Although, I am extremely curious as to whether or not this really works.
My thing is that I am a recovering hoarder. I’m not putting that out there for just anyone.
I am afraid that I have an opposite problem. I out myself. Too frequently, I’m guessing. There must be a happy medium. I walk into a room and after a few minutes of small talk, I blurt out some random and likely unnecessary information about myself (I struggle with depression, I am terrified of roaches, I have OCD, I am a germaphobe, I don’t care for animals, I am worried that my kids are going to step in poop…the list could go on for a long time) (sometimes all of these things come out in just a few minutes time…you may want to avoid conversation with me). I will say that we were somewhere (where? I can’t remember right this minute.) and my oldest stated loudly and matter-of-factly,”My mom hates dogs.” I was a tad embarrassed. Note to self: Homeschooling lessons this week-tact and socially appropriate behavior.
I currently can’t sleep, and am one day over due. SO, it totally makes sense that I would find your blog at 4 am. MUCH easier to read without Gooner’s assistance! I find this post WAY TOO TRUE to be “funny.” Like I LOVE going to a pig roast and a friend decides to announce that this is one of my vegetarian months and oh SHE DOESN’T EAT PORK. Oh thank, thanks, now I have to explain to EVERYONE why. And argue about it. And defend myself and my family. When it COULD have been swept under the rug and I would NOT have offended my hostess friend. I guess most folks don’t understand???
This? Is a genius post. Someone did this to me JUST YESTERDAY while introducing me. And, The Thing she threw out there is NOT a big deal, but she made it seem as if it’s a big deal to ME, even saying that because of The Thing that I think of myself “as [My Town Name] Royalty.” GAH.
I am glad I came across your blog! Hello!
I have some relatively minor things, but things that I don’t actively bring up in conversation.
I used to have severe anxiety about death and dying, and my husband and friend outed me at my bridal shower in one of those “how much do you know about Saly” games. Mortifying.
Aw man – that is just SO UNCOOL. And I would totally feel bad for you and the fact that your THING is just out there now, being judged by a person who barely knows you….but the fact that your place holder is 16 cats made me laugh out loud! Which, of course, is inappropriate in an office.