The title of this post is not some sort of weird euphemism, Internet.
I am about to rock your popcorn-eating world.
I like popcorn. It can be a delightfully healthy snack. But not the way I eat it. You see, I only like popcorn when it’s drenched in deliciousness like caramel or butter.
This is why I only eat popcorn OCCASIONALLY. Because otherwise I would weigh 7,000 pounds.
Anyway, if you are like me in that you only like popcorn drenched in butter, I am about to change your life. For the better, in case that wasn’t evident.
If, by chance, you are about to jump into the comments and say something like, “GUESS WHAT? They sell butter-flavored popcorn! It’s just like real butter! It’s so good, no fuss no muss no extra calories!” I would suggested that perhaps you skip this post. Because NO. “Butter flavor” is not the same as REAL BUTTER. Perhaps it is a good decent fair sort of approximation… But I MUCH prefer the real thing. And I really REFUSE to eat the fake stuff. Yicksters.
My whole life, I would melt butter in the microwave and pour it over a bowl of popcorn. This was a frustrating exercise because the butter would soak some puffed kernels into wrinkled, wet, butter-saturated deliciousness… and leave other kernels dry and untouched.
I tried, Internet. I tried pouring some melted butter directly into the bag. (Oh yes, I only buy the 100 calorie microwave packs because otherwise? 7,000 pounds.) And then shaking the bag vigorously to disperse the butter molecules widely. But still… I’d wind up with dry, unbuttered kernels. NOT ACCEPTABLE.
But I recently just discovered a solution to my buttering needs.
I put a generous tablespoon bit of UNMELTED (but probably rancid) butter into the freshly-popped bag and gave it a vigorous shake. A REALLY vigorous shake, Internet. Now is not the time to be dainty.
The butter would melt and disperse and melt and disperse and I ended up with a deliciously buttery bag of popcorn in which every kernel was nearly uniformly buttered.
Okay, okay. To be totally honest with you, Internet – and I am NOTHING if not totally honest with you, sometimes TOO honest – I will note that a FEW kernels will be all withered and over-buttered. But if you look at your popcorn bowl as a whole, you will be – overall – very pleased at the level of universal buttered-ness.
Um. You might want to add another generous tablespoon bit of unmelted butter to the freshly-popped bag after you’ve thoroughly shaken the FIRST generous tablespoon bit of unmelted butter into the popcorn.
You know, butter away. I’m not here to judge, Internet.
So now that I have changed your snacking life FOREVER, what snack secrets do you have for me?
OMG. Now I have to try this.
I have a popcorn secret for you. Plain kernels, like in a bulk bag, and brown paper lunch sacks, like the kind you used to carry your lunch in to school when you got too cool to carry a lunch box. You pour some of the plain kernels into the bottom of the lunch bag, roll up the top, and then put it in the microwave. Then you have totally plain popcorn with absolutely none of that fake butter stuff and you can butter away however you like. Also, you can totally decide how much to make.
Also, popcorn is a whole grain. It’s healthy.
7,000 pounds, Jen. This is what I’m trying to AVOID. (By which I mean “however much you want” would turn into about 20 bowls full of popcorn.)
I tried this brown bag method once and it burned. Still not sure what I did wrong as I followed the directions but I’m nervous to try it again.
Still the best popcorn we’ve made was in a pot on the stove with a little canola oil and butter. We sneak it into the movie theaters.
That’s a really good idea! I tend to like the kettle corn and hence don’t need to butter the bug but I like your thought.
I went to the comments to say I can’t do this because we don’t buy microwave popcorn (just kernels to pop on the stove), so this wouldn’t work for me, but now I think I’ll have to try Jen’s brown-bag method.
Popcorn tastes best when eaten with chopsticks. AND your fingers don’t get all gross. You are welcome.
I am sitting here, stunned. I just..I have no words. I have even tried the “butter flavored” powder nasty stuff. I could eat BAGS of the extra butter popcorn, but I never let myself. This really will change my life.
If you add a packet of Splenda to an otherwise healthy bag of popcorn and shake it up, it tastes just like Kettle Corn. The really fattening, really delicious kind of Kettle Corn.
I, too, love me some popcorn but would also be 7000 pounds if I ate it as much as I would like. This is a great idea–I’ll definitely have to try it!
Also, if you want a really, really ridiculously delicious popcorn that is so good you don’t need butter (and this is coming from a true lover of buttery popcorn), try Orville Redenbacker’s Naturals Simply Salted. Seriously, the best popcorn I’ve ever had from a bag.
I am trying not to curse at you…it is almost midnight and now thanks to this post I am drooling on my keyboard and craving popcorn. My favorite part is the half popped kernels and then scraping the butter off of the side of the bag and licking my grubby fingers. mmmm. I will have to try your secret sometime
Not exactly a secret, but real popcorn is WAY better than microwave, takes approximately the same amount of time to make, is cheaper, and doesn’t make your house smell like, well, shit. Yes, you have to clean the pan you make it in, but that takes 2 minutes. And it’s much much better for you.
I don’t have a solution for the melted butter part of it, but melted butter doesn’t wilt real popcorn like it wilts microwave popcorn. I pour melted butter over my healthy popcorn all the time, and it generally disperses pretty well. I usually do it like they do it at the movie theater when you ask for extra butter: put half in a bowl, add some melted butter, toss a bit, add the rest of the popcorn, pour the rest of the butter and toss a bit. Mmmmm.
I actually ate popcorn for dinner last night and was planning on doing a perfect popcorn post. So you’ll just have to wait for the recipe.
This reminds me of the time my husband was talking about buttering popcorn at the movie theater. He said that if you put a straw onto the butter dispersing machine and then stuck the bag on, and pulled it away while buttering that it would butter the whole bag (instead of just the top). I wonder if I could get the people at the theater to actually do this for me though. lol.
Mmmmm…I love butter popcorn. I think I just love butter. Have you heard about the deep fried butter sticks they serve at the Iowa State Fair?!! Now that is sinful. I guess you can deep fry anything.
AH! This is genius! I must try this – like, this weekend!
I also only buy the 100-calorie packs otherwise I would eat popcorn all morning, noon and night
Whoa what is with all the microwave popcorn hate that is going on?? I love me some Orville Cheddar flavor. Every single kernal has the perfect amount of cheddar on it. (I prefer cheese on my popcorn instead of butter. I’ve even been known to dump shredded cheddar in a freshly popped bag.)
My husband puts peanut putter on waffles…followed by syrup…it’s another fast track to 7000 lb ville, but it. is. so. good.
Don’t think I’m crazy but you should try Brewer’s Yeast on your popcorn. SOUNDS DISGUSTING, but it’s absolutely delicious and healthy! You can usually only buy it at organic health food type stores like Whole Foods but I promise, DELICIOUS.
Microwave a bag of popcorn and the moment you open the bag, drop in a bunch of Junior Mints. The minty mixes with the salty and there’s that bit of chocolate… Mmmm…. I only get to have it once in a very long while.
Popcorn is one of my late night go-to snacks. I make it over the stove, pour the hot kernels into a bag, and mix it with various herbs or even cheese. My favorites: parmesan cheese, salt & pepper, and even chinese 5 spice. Happy snacking!
I prefer to pop it on the stove, and then I add a couple of chunks of unmelted butter and stir it around in the still-hot pan with the popcorn. The heat from the pan and hot popcorn melts it perfectly, no wilted pieces. Works great and makes the most delicious snack for card club. (I have to share).
Now if you can just perfect the caramel so it doesn’t stick to just 10 popped kernals; we have a deal. I used to love all the flavored microwave popcorn you could buy one package at a time….Now you have to take a chance on a whole box and sometimes; it just isn’t that good.
lol I eat the fake stuff