Friday Interview Anxiety Plus Attempt to Be Positive FAIL

My husband and I have spent approximately 24 hours in one another’s company since last Friday.

It’s been a long, lonely week. And the heavy ceiling of grey clouds that has settled permanently above my apartment is not doing anything to lift my mood.

But! I am trying to be positive because today is my husband’s first interview for fellowship.

Quick recap: My husband spent four years in medical school, is in Year 2 of a three-year residency, and will (hopefully) match at a three-year fellowship program that he’ll begin in 2012.

If getting into medical school is tough, matching at a fellowship is ridiculous. His medical school class was made up of about 100 students. Most of the programs offering fellowships in his specialty have just one or two spots. (And 200 or so applicants for those positions.)

He has several interviews lined up, which is great. There have been a couple of rejections amid the interview invitations, and one instance of being wait-listed. But there are a few dozen (I am not kidding) programs he has yet to hear from.

Today is the first interview, and I am anxious.

For one thing, I want my husband to do well. I know he’s a very strong candidate. But presumably he’s up against a dozen or so of the strongest candidates in the nation. That’s stiff competition.

For another thing, this is a situation I have ZERO control over. I’ve referred to it before as the Physician Uncertainty Principle. It’s not a new thing (see: applying to med school and residency). So you’d think I would be able to simply accept that fact, sit back, and let the cards fall where they may. But oh no. I am anxious.

Anxious because I want my husband to get into a top program – a program that will make hospitals and private practices froth at the bit to hire him after fellowship. Anxious because whatever program he matches at will be our home for at least three years… And I have preferences. Anxious because it’s possible that he won’t match at all. (I wrote and erased that sentence three times. It seems like a bad omen to leave it on the page. But it’s the truth. A possibility we have to acknowledge.) While not matching would not be the end of the world, it would be a hitch in the road. It would mean rethinking our goals for the next few years. It might mean going through this anxiety-producing and expensive interview process again.

And that’s another thing I’m anxious about. The whole process kind of sucks. My husband has to travel all over the country (not cheap) for these interviews. I would obviously like to go with him – especially to cities/states I’ve never visited before – and will try if it’s feasible. But that’s an additional cost. Plus, in order for my husband to be able to attend all these interviews, he has to get his colleagues to cover for him at work. And that means that he’ll be returning the favor. A lot. So that means even less time we get to spend together. Blargh.

The other other thing I’m anxious about is my husband’s top competition: Our good friend.

He’s my husband’s colleague, and he and his wife have become our good friends over the past year and a half. He’s an EXCELLENT doctor. Very smart. Very talented. I’m sure he is as kind and considerate to his patients as he is to his friends.

Of course, these are all qualities my husband has. But they are competing against each other for these limited numbers of spots in a lot of the same fellowship programs.

It’s very hard to look at a program that has one opening… A top program, where they both have interviews… And not want my husband to succeed more than I want our friend to succeed.

YUCK.

(Fortunately, my husband doesn’t have this problem. He has a very genuine “may the best man win” kind of attitude, and I know he would be sincerely happy if our friend “beat” him for a spot.)

(This is just one example of how my husband is a better, kinder person than I am.)

ANYWAY. This whole process is giving me a headache.

Well. Looks like I did a very poor job of being positive. So let’s end on some good things:

-          My husband comes home tonight, so hopefully we’ll get a few hours together before he’s on call tomorrow.

-          I painted my toenails pink, which makes me feel spring-y and beach ready.

-          I have a new stack of good books to read.

-          I found a package of chocolate chip cookie mix in the pantry and miraculously had eggs in my fridge, so now I have cookie dough to keep me sane (if plump).

-          My mom sent me this picture a few days ago and every time I look at it, I smile:

Blue skies, mountains, a goofy dog atop the drifts. That’s winter done right.

Happy Friday, Internet!