I can hardly believe that my husband has been out of medical school for over a year. He’s nearly two months into his second year of residency, which means that he’s IN CHARGE. As in, he makes decisions… And makes sure his interns and fourth-year medical students are doing the right things, ordering the right drugs, and making the right choices for their patients.
CRAZY.
Brittany from Living Life Abundantly asked medical wives to talk about what it’s like to have a spouse in medical school. While I’m a little late to the party, I wanted to add my two cents.
Sure, I was only a medical spouse for six months of my husband’s medical school career. But I was there with him for all four years. Here are three of the biggest lessons I learned from my husband’s experience with medical school:
- Working while your spouse is a medical student brings its own set of issues. I was fresh out of grad school and had just started working when my husband started med school. At the very beginning, I was doing freelance work and teaching college writing classes.
Aside from a few summer jobs, I’d never really worked before. So having a job was strange and new.
But my husband wasn’t working – he was still in school. His classmates still had the “work hard, play hard” mentality of college kids. He got weekends off and had exams to study for and had studying to do. It all felt very strange…
On the one hand, I felt left out… envious that he was still in school, with all the intensity of focus and lack of “real world” responsibility that comes with being in school.
On the other hand, I felt somehow more grown up than he was. I was frustrated with his friends and the way they were so careless – the way I’d been in college. I hated how my husband could still stay up until all hours… How he and his friends could pick up and go out for beers whenever they wanted… While I was ready to fully embrace this new phase of adulthood. It felt like I was moving forward while he was standing still. And I didn’t like that.
We learned to get past it. But it wasn’t easy.
- Medical school – and beyond – is one big holding pattern. On a related note… I have been ready since graduate school ended to move forward.
I wanted to get married… Buy a house… Start saving for retirement. (I know – I am so much fun.)
But a lot of those things have had to be put on hold. We couldn’t get married until Husband’s fourth year of medical school, because that’s the only time when he had a long-enough period of vacation days to do the kind of wedding we wanted.
We couldn’t start really saving until residency. Husband paid for med school with student loans, and in order to keep them as low as possible we didn’t really put much away. We lived on my salary as much as possible.
And we still haven’t felt like it’s the right time to buy a house (or start a family – although that’s a whole other story). Yes, some residents do it… Some med students do it, for that matter. But we’ve never felt like it was worth it to buy a house for three or four years and then have to sell when we move on to the next rung on the becoming-a-doctor ladder.
So here we are… In an apartment… Just waiting. Waiting until after fellowship when we finally know where we’ll end up living… When my husband is no longer in training and can join an actual medical practice.
If you want to count my graduate school, we’ve been in this holding pattern – waiting for our real life to begin – for seven years now. And we’ve still got five to six years to go.
- Your spouse will transform into a doctor during medical school. This, I think, was my favorite part of medical school. (And it continues through residency, on a higher level.) When we left college, my husband and I were on a similar level. Okay, okay… So he’s always been smarter than I am… But we had the same level of education, we could interact about pretty much anything, we had a similar store of knowledge.
But in medical school, it was stunning to watch as my husband’s knowledge base expanded. His vocabulary exploded. His confidence grew. He transformed from a smart adult into a considerate, intelligent doctor. It was absolutely amazing to watch. I don’t even know if I have the words to describe it…
People put so much trust in doctors. And to see them direct that trust to my husband… It’s humbling.
Medical school (and beyond) have been a tangle of emotions for me. Loneliness… Envy… Inadequacy… Frustration…
But above all of those things, I’ve felt so much pride.
When he recited the Hippocratic Oath at his white coat ceremony the first day of medical school…
When he got accepted into residency…
When he donned the long white coat that signifies he’s no longer a student…
When he shares with me his little triumphs… When he makes a patient’s life better… When he solves a problem… When a patient, nurse, or fellow physician remarks on how well he’s doing…
When he shares with me his little struggles as well… The patients who won’t listen… The nurses who don’t yet respect him… The doctors who disagree with him… The patients who have died…
I feel so incredibly proud of my husband and the doctor he’s become.
So incredibly well put. Oh, I can’t *WAIT* to buy a house either. Two more years then OccDoc’s out of the army and we can finally settle down and not have to worry about packing up again!
This is such a great post – the challenges and the successes (of both of you!) are really apparent. And good things come to those who wait, I firmly believe that – hugs to you for getting through it all!
I’m beyond thrilled you joined in on this. I can relate to every dot…but more so the 2nd at this point in time. I get so ridiculously jealous when I hear my friends back home are going out, getting engaged and moving forward in their lives. I moved away (farrr away) and don’t see another “step” in the near future. I know it sounds extremely prissy and makes me seem extremely…snobby? spoiled? demanding? but I’m thankful that I’m not the only one who has these types of feelings.
Oh, and the explosion of knowledge thing – I love. It’s been even more apparent now that he’s out of the classroom and in the environment. I love hearing, “Hi babe, today I saw this _____ and we did this _____ it was awesome!” seriously makes my day.
Interesting to read. My husband is a different kind of Dr. (Ph.D.) and that was an interesting journey to watch, too.
Oo, oo, I have a question! I could just look this up, I guess, but meh. Why do that when I can ASK YOU?
I have always been confused about what the stages are of doctor education. Like, a resident: is that a doctor? What’s the next step after resident? Is an INTERN a doctor? Or still a student? Or both? And what’s the part where they’re paying for it, and what’s the part where they’re getting paid, and is there a part in between where they’re unpaid but not paying either? And…I don’t get it, the whole thing. I think I should have watched Scrubs more.
GREAT question! And one that still confuses me to this day! I will write a post about it. (Because I am long winded.)
So I’m the med student and my husband is the non-med person, but I can answer this question! You do the 4 years of med school where you are paying (boooo) and are a student. After that, you start residency. The first year of residency is considered your intern year and you are a doctor and paid for all years of residency, including intern year. I didn’t get it really until 3rd year!
Reading this makes me glad my husband and I were in law school at the time. I think a lot of these things apply to law school too.
Such a challenge to support someone in such a huge endeavour. Sounds like you’re doing it quite well!
Great post! And it’s so great that your husband had you to support him through all of that. When I was going through law school and the bar exam, it was just me. It’s nice to have that kind of support and shoulder to lean on.
What a great post! I think many of these things can apply to law school, too.
I’ve always thought that if I didn’t want to become a physician and instead wanted to do something artsy like you(very likely because I do have a couple of strong artistic interests), that I’d have severe confidence issues being married to a medical student.
The fact you have overcome it is encouraging and a testament to your character and maturity.
Wow, that’s amazing. As a law school spouse, I feel a kindship to the “constantly waiting” thing. Thanks for sharing!
I almost want to cry with happiness over this post – not for any other reason except that it feels SO good to have someone else going through the same thing.
I thought it was just me that was waiting. Or HATING the waiting. LOATHING the waiting really
I feel like we will never be able to move forward in our life because there never seems to be a good time for anything you know??
Over the past year alone the transformation as been insane… I just love hearing his stories now that he is actually a doctor (scary I tell you!) and is in the hospital.
What an adventure this has been!
Wow thank you so much for posting this, such an interesting read.
As a new law school wife of a new law school students, this waiting game blows. I want to buy a house and have a kid. Not this moment, but 4 years seems like a long time. While I haven’t found a job, I’m like you were. They get to go to class and study, but still have fun. As soon as I get a job, those Thursday night outings won’t involve me. Also, making friends while in school is a hundred times easier than making friends out of school.
I love this post and I hope the next few years go by quickly.
This is so sweet. I hear you on the school mentality. It’s really annoying to me that the big thing in law school is “bar review” Thursday nights. Last year my husband’s small section didn’t have class on Fridays in fall or spring, and they’d all stay out unitl 2 and beyond, and I’d be the lame-o at 11:30 that was like IF WE DO NOT LEAVE RIGHT NOW I WILL DIE AT WORK TOMORROW BECAUSE ***I*** UNLIKE ***SOME PEOPLE**** HAVE A REAL LIFE AND A REAL JOB.
Ahem.
I’m just curious, what field of medicine is your husband in?
Internal medicine
A freaking MEN.
My hat’s off to you lady. I’ve been struggling with him being in an MBA program and it’s not even close to the same thing!
Yes. Your first and last points ESPECIALLY. I had a VERY difficult time during C’s first two years of medical school because of that work hard/play hard lifestyle that I certainly did not get to live as a working adult. I couldn’t understand how or why he would want to stay out/up until the wee hours of the morning on a Friday night with his medical student buddies when I wanted to pass out at 10:30pm. Many, many frustrations during that time. We had to work hard to get through it together.
And, the last part, watching them transform into doctors. I saw this happen at the end of last year and am watching it continue to happen now. The day he went from saying, “I don’t know, we haven’t learned that yet,” to answering- before I had even read the answer choices- “That’s Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever,” after I asked him a question from his Internal Medicine shelf review book was the day I realized he was beginning to transform from medical student to medical doctor. I have never been prouder.
FABULOUS account of what it’s been like so far, at least for me.
Great post! I just found your blog thanks to the Dr. Wife blog tour – we have very similar backgrounds. I completely understand about wanting to buy a house – I want one of my own SO BAD!! But, I found the next best thing…RENT a house. We have rented houses in St Louis for residency (4yrs) and currently in Gainesville for fellowship (3yrs). I would never go back to an apartment – living in a house is wonderful! And houses are usually bigger than apts – room for all your stuff
As far as kids, we are working on that now, in hubby’s 1st yr of fellowship. Waiting til you have money is so HARD, but I have a feeling it will be worth the wait when you can provide all the things you want your child to have – I’ll let you know when I get there 
I’m new to Dr. Wife blogging … what is the Dr. Wife blog tour?
One of the wives that also follows http://doctorwives.blogspot.com came up for a great idea for us to all tell our stories of medical school and residency.
You can see the link to all the other wives/girlfriends stories at http://queseraaasera.blogspot.com/2010/08/life-as-medical-school-wife.html
Great post! It’s always comforting to know I’m not the only one … and given the above comments, we’re not the only two
I’m sooo glad you participated!!! I was nodding my head reading about how you characterized our “holding pattern”! So true!!! Hope you come back this Friday for “Residency”
Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband is currently in his first year of medical school and IT. IS. TOUGH! For both of us! Its hard not seeing him much. Its hard being responsible for every house hold chore. Its hard being alone. I know that things will get better, but its nice to hear it from someone who has lived through it
Thanks!
A long “holding pattern.” How perfect! I can relate to many of these points, although my husband is only 2nd year, so we have a long road ahead.
The apartment, the measly retirement savings, the desire to have kids before my ovaries shrivel … it’s all there. Thank you for saying it so well!
You’re so right about all this! I know exactly what you mean about the holding pattern. We’re still living in an apartment and still waiting to have a family and it’s starting to feel like we’ve been waiting forever! I feel like all my friends are having kids (or already have them) and own houses and somehow feel behind. I know it doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, but I feel like I’m ready for those things too. But I feel it’s best for us if we wait it out and do these things when he’s done with his fellowship. We’ll probably have to move, depending on where he gets a job and I’m not sure I want to do that with a newborn baby and it also means even if we had the money (which we don’t) we wouldn’t buy anything in our current location. Anyway, the good news is that my husband’s completely done in less than 10 months!!! I’m not sure who’s more excited about this-him or me. Haha. Hope you’re doing well!
xo
Valerie
Hi, I came across your blog since I am also a medical student’s wife. I am incredibly encouraged by your post! My husband is having his 1st semester in medschool and I started my first job after gradschool. I am inspired by your optimism and understanding,and of course, the way to cope with jealousy and loneliness! I am having a hard time dealing with the loneliness and the pressure he has brought to our marriage from medical school. Your blog tought me how to be more supportive!
We are Geeks for six years (and even in JHS and HS to grub for grades and SAT so we get into a good school) then Geeks for six years and then slaves for (AT LEAST) six years. Am an attending in IM for 16 years and DROWN in paperwork every day. I put up with the obese the senile the sociopaths. It Sucks!
I just started looking for information about what to expect being married to a medicale student…I have been married for a little over a year to my husband who is in the Army (signal support specailist). I have recently decided to change my degree from vet medicine to humane medicine. He is okay with it I’m just not sure how suppporting he will be…I currently work at a pet hosptial and my hours are anywhere from 10+ hours 5-6 days a week…will med school be the same kind of hours or am I looking at more? When I was attending vet school I would go to school 2-3 days a week with a flex scheduale and my work was accounted for, I guess it would be like human med residency. So in general I spent more time in the hospital and less time in school but it balanced itself out well, I just hope there wont be too much change i don’t know how much change will work with my husband and “the Army.”