Working from home can be an isolating experience. Especially if you are shy and bad at making friends like someone I know. So for a while now, I’ve turned to the Internet for “help.”
When I got engaged, I found gazillions of blogs dedicated to wedding planning, dozens of which I followed faithfully. After I got married, I turned to the blog world again for advice on wifehood and nesting. So when I had the Big Realization that I am now a Doctor’s Wife and finally acknowledged the implications of that life change, I started looking for blogs that could help me through it.
Slim pickings, my friend. At least so far.
But what I did come across was something I hadn’t really thought about (see my first post about being a total idiot and thinking life would never change) – which was the stereotype related to being a doctor’s wife.
I get it, stereotypes exist and they’re not going anywhere. Putting people into neat little boxes of “You Are the Same” can be a big help as you navigate life. (Accepting the fact that Freshly Cleaned Apartments Will Not Actually Be Clean When You Move Into Them is one such helpful stereotype. It made me pack the vacuum cleaner and the bleach spray last in the moving truck, so that I could unload them first and give the place a thorough cleaning before we moved all our stuff inside. Plus, it prevented me from fainting dead away when I saw someone else’s hairs PAINTED into the baseboards of the bathroom.)
But if you discover anything useful as you get older, I think that Stereotypes Are Not Always Right is right up there with Flossing Really IS Important.
But I was a little surprised to discover that being a doctor’s wife comes with its own set of stereotypes. I guess I never encountered those stereotypes growing up, since my mom is a doctor’s wife. Or maybe I let them slide in one ear and out the other because they didn’t fit my own experience.
Anyway, it seems that doctor’s wives are supposed to be snotty, snooty, high-society types who don’t work and instead spend all day heading up charities or shopping at Gucci or directing the household help to wash the dishes. At night, they get all gussied up in their Valentino gowns and play the gracious hostess at fancy dinner parties or schmooze the other doctors at fancy galas.
Then there’s the other stereotype. (Talk about a 180 from stereotype #1.) Apparently, from my very extensive perusal of the Interwebs, doctor’s wives are also supposed to be frazzled moms who can’t control the household on their own, who resent their husbands and their jobs and the hospital and the patients, and who wind up losing their husbands to some big-knockered nurse who tends to him at the hospital.
Wow. Sounds like fun.
Now, in my real life experience, neither of these stereotypes is true.
But what freaks me out? Is that I can understand why they WOULD or COULD be true.
First of all, if you’re lucky enough to be wealthy (Note: Not all doctors are wealthy. Certainly not first-year residents.) you probably do have the luxury of not working if you so choose, and perhaps spending your days ordering “fall jewelry” at Cartier or getting massages at the spa. I don’t see a problem with that at all. And if you’ve got a gala event to attend, OF COURSE you need an amazing ballgown to wear. Plus, sometimes people who have less just assume that you’re snotty… or would prefer to believe that you’re snotty than admit to being envious.
Then there’s Stereotype #2…
My parents raised me to be independent. For the most part, this is true. I can spend time alone, I can entertain myself, and I can pursue my own interests. My happiness isn’t dependent on my husband.
But still… I adore my husband. I love spending time with him. And I do get lonely – more often than I like to admit. So I could definitely see the potential for resenting the thing that takes him away from me.
Plus, consider me the top candidate for Frazzled Housewife. Internet, I am NOT neat. Clean, yes. But sloppy as all get out. (Which explains all the boxes even though we’ve been living in our new place for over a week now.)
And – while this makes me feel a little vulnerable and silly and pathetic to admit – I do worry a little bit about the nurse thing. Not that my husband would ever cheat on me. He is a good and loving husband, and I truly believe that he would never do something like that. Nonetheless, I know that working closely with someone can create Deep Feelings. And even the kindest, most loving husbands can be affected by that.
The fact is, being a doctor’s wife brings up worries that I am not quite sure how to handle.
oh my gosh – the stereotype that i hate the most is “your husband must lead a more stressful difficult life than you” I mean, I’ll give him that he’s got a lot on his plate but right now, he’s just in med school and it’s NOT that hard. we’ll see how residency goes…
I think that both of these stereotypes can be applied to all kinds of jobs though. Growing up in the military there is such a strict ranking system that these stereotypes are tenfold worse. I guess being a doctor IN the military might be harder? lol.
Stereotypes are there for a reason, people don’t just make them up – it comes from experiences. So your job, if you feel you don’t adequately fit in to one of these neat little boxes, is to set your own standard, and change things. The Dr Wives that I’ve known have all been really down to earth people – one of them was even married to the head of pediatrics. My mom always said “you’re married to your husband, not his job.” and thusly, she never took any credit for my dad’s achievements. It would’ve been easy to brag about him, but I think that’s were stereotypes start.
Good luck navigating the world of being a Dr’s wife!
great post! its true that stereotypes do exist… and usually there is a reason they exist. but like you said, they’re not always true.
i’m a nurse, and no desire to be a doc’s wife (ever!)
Finding blogs to relate to is interesting, as that is what I do MOST of the time. But, I’m not married to a doctors wife, but I keep coming back to your blog because you are so awesome. I just had a mommy play date with a doctors wife and she was lovely. She didn’t meet the stereotype EXCEPT she had a FANTASTIC house. Um wow. And a nice care, it seemed very doctors wifish. At least the stereotype I have, sorry Mrs. D!
I am so glad I just found your blog. I am married to a 4th year medical student (and have been with him the whole way through) and he happens to also be in the military. The stereotypes are tremendous all-around. From hearing things like, “Ohhhh, married to a dooocteeerr? He’s going to make the big bucks!” (neglecting to acknowledge the fact that he isn’t even a doctor yet and whose to say he will make big bucks at all?!) or from my own brother, “Sis, we should split the cost of taking care of mom and dad when they are old 70/30… you know, since y’all will be the ones with money and all.”
And then there are the ones that come with the military and the doctor thing, “Now Lauren, you know that you are married to a military officer. You WILL be entertaining for all those doctors/officers and their wives, so you need to know how to do this.” (my mom) and my personal favorite, “Hey, you know that if he goes for career military and becomes a Colonel or General that you will be the face of whatever he is in charge of? Like, the General’s wife is expected to entertain and be pleasant and know everyone at all times.”
I am glad someone else out there recognizes these stereotypes. And really? I find that being married to a medical student/alllmmooossst doctor is not all that different from other people’s lives… it’s just that your husband is gone a lot. Anyway, glad I found you!
I met my husband when he was a 3rd year medical student. At that time I was a ER nurse. Not planning to have any relationships. I was comfortable with my life the way it was and just wanted to enjoy it and raise my 10 year old daughter. He ask me out at least 3 times every week for about 3 months until I finally said yes. He was very persistent. I thought no harm in just one dinner date. We went on that date and instantly fell in love. One year later we were married. We now have a 6 year old son as well as my daughter who he claims is now his daughter as well. I had many friends and some of them were nurses. After I was married to my husband and our life began to advance my friends became envious of me. That is very hurtful because I would not be envious of my friends. I love unconditionally. So I have noticed in the last 10 years or so that it is getting more difficult to make friends because of my husbands status. I am from a family of 6 children and 4 of siblings are also envious to the point that they don’t even speak to me anymore. Help me understand why are some people like that. I have also noticed that when I work (I still work casual) I am treated as a outcast. Comments are made
such as “you don’t need to work you are married to a Doctor.” It hurts my feelings because I am still the same person. Just living a bit differently now. But I still have a heart and feelings. So how does a Doctor’s wife find good quality friends in Minnesota?
I also find it hard to make friends do to my husband status.
We are very humble people from humble backgrounds, but it does not matter when people put labels on you.
I have always tired to keep my husband position as a doctor out of the limelight. I’ve noticed too that once many people find out that your a doctors wife, they tend to treat you differently and you are the outcast. I’m a nurse who works part-time. A CNA had found out from someone else that I was dr____ wife, so she approach me and was saying how she respect me because I was a doctors wife and she was amazed at how humble I was.
Yes people talk and it is so hurtful to assume because of a status that one would be pretentious. People wonder why I still work etc. I guess it really is true that you have to limit your friends to people like you. I was told from another doctor’s wife to join the medical spouse club/group (a local group in town).
I’m also a nurse who works casually and I get treated like an outcast too.
My husband and I are very humble people and do not take anything for granted. I do not care about people status in life…. I also love unconditionally. I am the same person as well, however many have put labels on me simply because I’m a doctor’s wife. Once people find out that I’m married to a doctor, Im treated differently. Or if it’s the first thing they find out about me, that label comes up and tell them what I’m about (snooty, snotty, etc) and many steer clear of me. I often try to avoid the question about what my husband does. I thought about lying because I’m tired of the labels and feeling different. Early in my husbands career, another doctor’s wife wanted me to join a club for spouses of doctors. I brushed it off because I wanted to surround myself with people from different career/job backgrounds. Unfortunately, Im now starting to believe that my friends have to be affluent too. I have tried for so long now to find quality friends…..I’m exhausted! In my experience, many are jealous. Many wont talk to you about financial problems because they feel some how I would not understand. Some make fun of me…jokingly (“there goes the doctors wife”). Finding quality friends who will see you for you is extremely hard. I only have two.
Rita
Great stories from the “wife’s” prospective. I was hoping to find a comment or two about a gay person who is in a committed relationship with a doctor.
Hi Lee,
I understand your feelings. Being with someone who
is going to be a doctor is difficult. I was in education for years before meeting a resident/fellow who will shortly
begin practicing.
Never imagined it could be so difficult.
I am strong normally, in all aspects of life.
This is the hardest thing emotionally, esteem, ego,
etc. that I have ever faced.
I want to believe that I can bear through all this
but have my doubts.
Lets hope for the best and share love, compassion,
and care while they share sleeplessness, lack of communication, lack of emotion, and lovelessness with
us…. kind of a rough trade…. don’t you think?
Hi Lee,
I understand your feelings. Being with someone who
is going to be a doctor is difficult. I was in education for years before meeting a resident/fellow who will shortly
begin practicing.
Never imagined it could be so difficult.
I am strong normally, in all aspects of life.
This is the hardest thing emotionally, esteem, ego,
etc. that I have ever faced.
I want to believe that I can bear through all this
but have my doubts.
Lets hope for the best and share love, compassion,
and care while they share sleeplessness, lack of communication, lack of emotion, and lovelessness with
us…. kind of a rough trade…. don’t you think?
I have found some people to be very nice and respectful, but others to be very envious and a few to be flat-out furious. I do make new friends easily, but I have been shocked and put off by the few who are literally furious at me based on stereotypes that do not apply to my life and assumptions that are not true.
I still don’t know how to respond to these people. Sadly, one of them has been one of my closest friends for the past 21 years and I might lose her due to her increasing jealousy and fury. I dress normally and live in a normal condo and drive a regular car that is 8 years old and works fine but doesn’t stand out at all. My friend and I do not have noticeably different lifestyles, but she does have to work two jobs whereas I do not currently have to work, but I have 2 chronic health conditions otherwise I would be working, so I cannot understand any jealousy when I am literally in the bathroom for up to 75% of my day.
I am proud of my husband but I do not feel the need to brag or to put it out there right away that my husband is a doctor (many people know me for months without knowing that, but if someone asks what my husband does or if it relates to the conversation in some way, then I will tell them).
Fortunately for me I do not worry about the nurse thing at all. But my husband always says sincerely that I am the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen, and that I am his epitome of beauty.
So that helps. It also helps that his personal nurse is unattractive, overweight, and 20 years older than him, not to mention negative and annoying to him. I kind of like her. Haha.
I’d just like to say that I just started reading your blog this morning…and I will continue to read it over and over for my future. I am the girlfriend of a newly accepted potential medical student. He starts next month. I am 24 and going into my last semester of college, graduating in December. He is 29. We have been dating for a year and have talked about marriage. I’m pretty sure he will propose when I graduate, but I don’t want to expect it for the fear of being disappointed. We love each other so much and everything feels so easy and manageable when I’m with him. I want to marry him, and he wants to marry me. I am willing to move to a different state for him, leaving my friends and family and finding work. In fact, I am so excited to start a new life with him! But I fear I am being naive… I too, analyze everything! When you wrote about the fact that you are clean, but messy I hear myself, haha, I relate to your posts. What advice do you have for me? Your posts give me such hope and inspiration. Is giving your life more slack to fit his ok? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, but he tells me constantly that I need to find something I love to do so that I’m happy and not just sitting isolated at home waiting for him to come home from school. I would love to talk to other women in my situation, or that have been here.
I have been married to a Dr for 20 years this January. We met when he was already out practicing. I do not work now but did work up until 2009. I am an RN and I worked in a non bedside capacity, prn ( as needed). It amounted to anywhere from 0-20 hours per week depending on what the needs were. I too was stereotyped and considered a non-serious employee because of my husband’s profession and the fact that I “didn’t really need to work”. I finally got sick of all the balony and quit on a whim. It felt really good at the time but now I really regret acting so impulsively.
My Dr. husband and I have two children, ages 16 and 12. The youngest is slightly special needs. I say slightly because she looks totally normal but does not have a normal IQ. She demands so much from me that some days I am so physically and emotionally exhausted and I do not know how I can go on another day. I love both of my kids though. Since quitting my job I have really enjoyed staying home and focusing on being a wife, and mother. Sometimes I feel like everything is dumped on me because I am “available” to take care of anything that might come up. It gets annoying sometimes and I always wish I had more help with the bills, ect. I do not have a housekeeper but I need one. I do have a yard service which I am thankful for .At this point in my life I have experienced what a lot of the bloggers have mentioned as far as losing friends. When I first got married, my sister would not really speak to me for quite a while. We were very close growing up so that hurt. I felt like I was always the one calling her with her never calling me. We live in different cities so it was difficult. After we both had children, it got even worse. Just now, we are starting to reconnect again, but it is difficult since it has been so long. I have a whole lot more to relate but will have to get back to this later. I am glad i found your blog.
Just a word of warning to all you clueless blissfully ignorant wives of med students,interns and residents…I met my (now ex) husband in college when he was a pre med major and fell in love…at least that’s what I thought it was. I thought our life goals were the same–he would graduate, get into med school, get the residency he wanted, we would have kids, etc…the American dream,right? Until he became Dr. and apparently every female at the hospital from unit secretaries to nurses started throwing themselves at him. Dr. A hole decided to cheat on me until after a few months –with me having no idea what was going on — he came to me and said he “needed to be by himself for a while” and within 2 weeks was living in an apartment near the hospital. He told me months later about the slut unit clerk he cheated on me with. As I said the important point of my story is that I consider myself intelligent with common sense and the old stereotype of being dumped for a newer,hotter model still came true. Don’t think it could never happen to you.
I have been a wife of a doctor for 26 years. The reality is that you will spend most of your life alone. I believe a marriage is supposed to be a union. Two people coming together with some shared interest and just generally bonding through life’s trials and situations that come along through years of being together. I have found that shared interest and bonding through life’s situations do not happen because you are rarely together. Communication is desperately lacking and any time together is often coupled with an exhausted, irritable and hopelessly sleep deprived husband. Husbands love affair is with his patients, medicine and co-workers. Marriage with a doctor is not a union, but rather it is a working relationship. He spends most of his waking hours doing what he loves best while you take care of all the other significant stuff that comes along with living life. I have been with my husband through medical school, internship, residency and of course way beyond. Since we did his schooling through the military, he also had his military duties to tend to as well. No one could have prepared me for the life ahead of me as a doctor’s wife/military wife. You think it’s going to get better, but it won’t. As the years go by, you find out that his greatest joy will always be his medicine and you’re not going to be able to compete with it, nor will the children. The fact is, is that medicine is all time consuming and the study of it never ends because the medical field is vast and always discovering new diseases and the cure for them. The study of medicine does not end after medical school. Having said this, it is surely a noble and great high calling for anyone who has the perseverance to get through it. I just don’t think it should be coupled with a spouse or children. I think it should be a ministry all of it’s own. My advice to anyone who is thinking of marrying a doctor is not to. For young wives who are already married to one, get your own life now while you are still young. Have no expectations from him. Try to live around family if you can( I did not have that support, but I think it would be helpful). Or some kind of support system if that is possible. God bless doctors, but just as much, God bless the wives.
Was so happy to have come across this blog..i am writing in desperation to connect with other doctor’s wives who are going through a similar situation. So a big wonderful hello to all the lovely ladies in this forum
I am Sri Lankan, 27yrs, married to a doc who’s an oncologist/trainee consultant. I have been married for nearly 3 years now and have a 11 month old baby girl.
I am currently doing my doctoral studies, completed my Masters while i was expecting and 4 months with very bad morning sickness.
I love my husband…but i lead a very lonely life….he almost never sleeps, mostly working, and when ever he gets some time he resorts to studying since he’s doing his post-graduate studies and is very ambitious.
He is an absolutely brilliant doctor and a very committed husband and devoted father. I am blessed.
Sadly, the reality of my ‘emotions’ gets the better of me sometimes…
I miss attention, and intimacy in my marriage.
I feel lonely too. I am educated and hold a top position as a manager in a multinational…but still, i feel emptiness inside…
Hence, i decided to connect with networks (blogs/groups) such as this one, to help me connect with others, for support and advice.
Really, am hoping to make some lovely new friends…and be a sister and sound board to someone when needed too.
Would love to heard from you for comments, advise and experiences…
I am currently reading the book ‘The Secret’…
If anyone out there can hear me out..i would be so greatful
My love to all
Sincerely
Sj
I am a gay male who is a Nurse Practitioner. I am 28 years old and have been with my partner since I was about 19. My partner is a 33 year old M.D. Anestesiologist. We have always dreamed about when we would finish school we would be enjoying lots and lots of time off and spend more time with our friends and family. Our life style is a little different we spend almost all of our time working. Occasionally we will go on a date to the cafeteria and try to enjoy lunch before one of our pagers goes off. As for wearing Versace or Gucci that doesn’t happen. Our closet isn’t very full. We both work in the OR so we are required to wear scrubs. So people who think being married to or being a physician is glamorous than think again. It is hard work and can be very emotional .
Making friends out side of work is hard and keeping old friends around is even harder. It’s hard to explain your day to Simone who has no idea what you are talking about. As for people treating you differently well you betcha. People are scared to approach you or even smile at you. My partner is very companionate to everyone and has no ego what so ever, but people don’t get that.
Stereotypes arnt a problem because we don’t tell people what my partner or I do. I have w
I guess my experience is a little different than most people because I work with my partner or am at least able to see them often. We try to make our schedules as similar as possible so that we can spend one on one time together. What do we do on our glamorous days off? Well we sit at home or go grocery shopping. I bet you guys are windering if we ever argue or disagree. Well we argue about everything working together can be a dream, but it can also be a nightmare. Heated arguments go on and sometimes you come home I a home full of silence because we neglect to talk to one another. Lol well it is what it is.
Overall it is a quite life for anyone I know including my self. My partner works all the time, and I’m always in call so it’s just that “quite”. I chose my partner before he was a who he is today, but my advice is that if you are gonna merry a physician make sure you are choosing a person you love and a person you will stand by. Because you are gonna have to be ok with him leaving for work at any time of the day. You are goin to need to be able to wake up at anytime of the day and make them lunch (because hospital food doesn’t change) eating the same food over and over can become boring.
I apologize for my poor grammar it is three o’clock in the morning and my coworker showed me this blog so I thought I would add in a tweet
Great blog! Thanks for your advice. I’m 29 and dating a 4th year resident who wants to go into medical missions or possibly be a pediatrician here in the states. I’m a professional nanny and am slowly learning about the demands of the doctor life. We are likely going to get married (he’s hinted at a Christmas proposal!), and I would love some insight on whether being a pediatrician would allow him more free time than, say, working in a hospital or any of the other alternatives. My boyfriend is an incredible man, but I am realizing it’s very lonely to be the one planning our social life, running his errands, making dinners, etc and being disappointed when he’s late or misses special events altogether. It’s so hard having to answer friends when they constantly ask, “Where’s Tom? Isn’t he supposed to be here?” I know it’s not his fault and that he really WANTS to be spending time with me, so then I feel guilty for being hurt. It’s very hard emotionally for me, since I’m used to dating men with all kinds of free time (freelance artists, etc). There’s a temptation to feel as though I’m not wanted, not loved, and not valued. I have to be incredibly selfless, since the time we do spend together is usually spent talking about his patients and his day, and when he asks about my day, I feel it’s not as important as his, so I feel guilty again, as if he’s only asking out of obligation. Anyway, I just wanted to find some hope here that maybe things will get easier once he’s done with residency…? Will a pediatrician be able to get out at 5pm for his kid’s graduation, etc? I don’t want to marry a man who won’t be able to share life with me…I love him very much but I fear this lifestyle is more than I can handle. Thanks for your advice!
Why is every site dedicated to support of doctors wives? The statistics show that there will be as Many female doctors as there will be males. Being a doctors husband has different challenges than being a wife
1. Your spouse that had many men that dominate administrative positions.
Your wife feels like she has to be strong and does not show the same level of affection that a non doctor would.
2. Your sex life becomes non existent at times. She’s tired, sore, and frustrated(most like due to the above). And usually translates to nothing in the bedroom.
3. She has on call and charts to finish, which usually means that you aren’t spending any quality time together.
4. The time that you actually spend together is rushed with stuff that did not get done during the week.
Being a doctor’s spouse can = finding oneself single too often. I find that activities help, going to the gym, working around the yard, having a job. This all helps me. I maximize the time we have together as much as possible. I don’t usually share that fact that I’m married to a doctor, at least not up front.
I’m currently with a 3rd year medical student. I remember when he first told me about perusing a career in medicine, I thought to myself, “I hadn’t the slightest idea you applied!” At that time it had been one year that we were dating, and he would always assure me that I was strong enough to cope with the reality which was soon to be my new life. Two years later, I find myself in a roller-coaster of emotions, torment, long-distance relationship, not knowing how I should pursue my career, if I should even pursue one, and no one to talk to who can relate and fully understand what I’m facing.
This Blog has helped me realize that perhaps I’m not the only one who’s having a hard time coping with my feelings, emotions and lack of enthusiasm of which has now become my reality. I feel distant from family and friends, and worse of all, I dread the day that I will have to pick up and leave to God knows where.
I love my boyfriend irrevocably, and I wonder at times if love is enough to keep what we having going strong!